Adult children living at home -- what is appropriate?
Just curious what other people think about adult children (I am mainly talking about children 30+ years old) living at home with one or more children of their own after a divorce. Do you think it is appropriate for their parent/s to let their kids live at home for only a set period of time (say six months -- to get back on their feet) or for an indefinite amount of time. Also, do you think a single parent with shared custody should opt out of getting a second job and stay home in the evenings/weekends to be with their child/children or do you think that it is better for someone to get a second job at night or on the weekend so that they could get their own place?
Me personally, as a single mom of two, could never last more than a few months at my family's home. It would have to be a seriously dire situation to even get me to contemplate doing that and if I was FORCED to, I'd be doing whatever I had to do to get the hell out and be in a place of my own. I value my privacy and my own space so much it would kill me to move back in with my family.
Just curious about your thoughts. As far as my own children, if they needed to move back someday I'd let them for a set amount of time post college but not allow them to just live with me indefinitely. My bf, on the other hand, I think would let his daughter live with him indefinitely.
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I've never had to move back
I've never had to move back in with my parents, but I did live in my uncles second house for a while. I refused to stay there for "free" and instead did maintenance and upgrade work until I could get a job and pay rent. I did this because I have seen that if someone gets used to the idea of "something for nothing" then it is extremely hard to get them out of the "entitled" frame of mind and did not want to have that mindset myself.
So I would definitely set limits for anyone who want the "something for nothing" from you!
Well, that is my feeling...if
Well, that is my feeling...if the kid is responsible and working to leave that is fine for a set period of time but do you think it is ok if the kid has a f/t job but isn't really saving for their own place and has no plans for moving out? I guess if the parent is ok with it is would be ok but I couldn't be ok with it. I love my kids to pieces but I think I'd feel I failed as a parent if either of my kids moved back in with no plans of leaving. I know it is hard for single parents -- whether they're mom's receiving little or no CS or if their a dad getting raped by CS from BM but I can't see either scenario being a reason to permanently live with your parents.
Exactly, I've had to work two jobs also in the past and I have primary custody of my kids too. I think me living with my family would also upset the whole parenting dynamic...for they'd feel they could weigh in on my decisions and my kids would wonder where the real power in the family was.
I lived with my parents for
I lived with my parents for only a couple of weeks once when I moved back to the area with a 4 month old (single parent). I never contemplated staying there for a minute. There's a lot of that going around now and I understand sometimes it's the economy but people who want to live with their parents permanently? Not very attractive. Our SD has made no efforts to move out from BMs with her 2 year old. She thinks she going to buy the house from BM some day! Yeah right.
Agree Snickersgal. I think a
Agree Snickersgal. I think a well-adjusted adult would not want to live with their parents. The normal thing developmentally is for children to separate from their parents and for parents to accept it. I agree if it is for a set period of time it could be ok but if it is indefinite there is a problem -- wouldn't it be upsetting to both the parents and the kids to move back indefinitely? You'd think so. The parents couldn't have privacy and neither could the child, and it would be difficult to ever have a relationship with someone or even to parent their own children.
Idk, it seems like so many people live at home. I'd rather live in a shack working day and night than live at home.
When I divorced I didn't have
When I divorced I didn't have kids but I did move back in with my parents for barely a month and then got my own place. That was long enough for me I had to get out of there.
That's why I don't understand
That's why I don't understand why these skids like hanging around their parents and living with them. I love my parents very much but to live in the same house.....no thanks. LOL
Well actually that makes
Well actually that makes sense. My BFs daughter is 17 and is always saying she doesn't have any friends. What teenager doesn't have friends? I don't get it :?
I was lucky enough to have
I was lucky enough to have had a good enough paying job to be out on my own with my 2 girls right after separation. I never lived with anyone. HOWEVER, I had A LOT of help. If not for that, I would have had very little, including no beds for me or my girls.
Being independently able to take care of my kids was a great boost to my self esteem after my divorce. I also agree with Broken Blue Crayon that if you let someone hang out for free, they get use to being taken care of and may not have the initative to get back on their feet. It may also feed depression. One way to beat depression is to achieve something.
I am all for helping someone out of a bad marriage if needed, however, it should have some limitations.
Agree. There's a difference
Agree. There's a difference between helping an adult child and enabling them/being codependent.
I agree with you AlexandraL,
I agree with you AlexandraL, but my DH and I are having a tough time deciding what the line between enabling and helping actually is. I'd like all you thoughts on that ST buddies!
My mom was a widow at age 27
My mom was a widow at age 27 and had me and my brother to support. She never moved in with her parents. She worked 2 jobs to support us three. It can be done, people now are just plain lazy it seems. I understand needing help I am all for that, but 12 years that is insane. What is that teaching the daughter, nothing.
Exactly. The parents who live
Exactly. The parents who live with THEIR parents are teaching their own children a way of life, and setting their own children's future expectations. While BM doesn't live with either parent right now she HAS lived with her mom in the past. Both parents give her money each month, the father gave her his wife's SUV, pays her car insurance...now she is engaged and has a BF busting his ass to support her. And yes, it is true, they don't do without, even though BM has not worked full time the entire time after her divorce. SD always has what she wants, both BM and BF take her on trips, take her out, etc. I don't get it.
It is scary to think about the future if your partner lives at home or the BM lives at home...seems like it is only natural for the skid to think that they should be able to live at home as an adult too.
It's nasty. I don't understand why people of a certain generation don't seem to have a problem with living at home!
I think it is part of the
I think it is part of the deal...working hard to have a place for your kids. I wouldn't want to burden my family with an extended stay at their house. My dad has worked hard and he, nor any other parent, should not need to support adult children and grandchildren.
I do think that some single parents think it is ok for the adult kids to move in because they've spousified the kid. I think this is especially true if the parent doesn't have a good relationship with a partner or spouse. Yes, I think the whole "parent as friend" thing also plays into it.
I will help my kids as necessary, as I am a mom, but in NO way can I finance their adult lives.
Don't get me wrong, I have a
Don't get me wrong, I have a heart and compassion. However, my bio child knows that she has a house and is expected to stay there! We always joke about this, but she knows it's true. She needs to be a grown up and take care of herself. She knows what is expected of her. I raised her well, educated her and gave her the wings to fly. Now, it's up to her to determine how high she soars.
Can't stand the adult skids, so there will NEVER be a question of them living here. One is living off of the taxpayers, in a section 8 home purchased by her mother so that the gov't can pay the rent for "princess" to live in. SS is living in DH's house, sort of a rent to own situation, except DH still owns it and is liable for all of the utilities and insurance and any repairs, SS just pays him rent. (looks like a win/win for SS!)
I never moved in with my parents after I left home, and never would.
It's a big reason I am scared
It's a big reason I am scared of marrying my BF. I've been clear with my kids and they're on the college path but BM never went to college and I am just afraid of Sd's role models...I love my kids but don't want to live with adult children, but I really don't want to live with someone else's adult child.
That depends on the 30yo. If
That depends on the 30yo. If the 30yo is working, contributing to the household, cleaning up after themselves and their spawn and both you and your DH are comfortable with it let them stay as long as YOU want them too.
Even if the 30yo is working, contributing to the household, cleaning up after themselves and their spawn and you don't want them there ... they go .... NOW!
My parents have proposed several times Rags-Fork (a play on the Dallas TV show from the 80's)ranch where we all buy acreage (~20acres) together and build separate houses on the land in a central complex with a pool, garages, etc ... and live there together. My wife, my brother and I are all supportive. My SIL, not so much. SIL was raised in two blended families and has always had difficulty with how close mom, dad, my bro and I are (my wife chooses to be a full share Rags too).
I think multigenerational comunal family living could be a good idea if everyone gets along well, contributes equitably and is supportive of the idea and each other.
Best regards,
Then there is the SpermIdiot.
Then there is the SpermIdiot. His parents, SpermGrandMa and SpermGrandPa, have paid his CS for my SS from the very begining. He lives in a home owned by SpermGrandMa and SpermGrandPa rent free, SpermGrandMa and SpermGrandPa raise his youngest three out of wedlock spawn in their home with no help from him, and SpermGrandMa and SpermGrandPa paid 50% of my SS's visitation travel expenses. My wife and I paid the other half.
When SpermGrandMa calls to complain about how expensive CS is, or travel costs are, or wanting more visitation time, etc.... we tell her to call her worthless POS son to pay his responsibilities for HIS spawn. Her financial issues are not our problem, not our concern and we don't give a crap.
In these situations it is not always the adult deadbeat idiot children that are the pieces of shit. Sometimes their parents get what they deserved by raising such worthless POS children.
IMHO of course.
Rags, you are absolutely
Rags, you are absolutely right. At some point, society has turned around and parents are made to feel guilty if their adult children choose not to function in society. I know soooo many people who are raising their grandchildren because their own kids want to "play" and spend their money on themselves and no one else. I actually know of a mother who only shows up once a month at her parents' house...the day that the food stamps come out. She takes the food stamps and no one sees her the rest of the month. Grandparents are afraid to say anything to the authorities because they want to protect the children.
At any rate, these parents are doing nothing but enabling their children. It's insanity.
I got pregnant while on BC
I got pregnant while on BC when I was in college. I moved back for the summer (long enough to have my son) and was back in the town where my college was that fall. That town was 3 hrs away from where my parents live.
After that, it was me and DS all on my own...and me trying to finish college. Didn't even get any CS until DS was almost 10. It was tough, REALLY tough. But I did it.
My BIL has lived with either my MIL or FIL until just recently. He is 32. MIL kicked him out of her house finally. FIL refused to let him move back in to his place again...
I wouldn't be able to look people in the eyes if I had done that
Skylark, You are an
Skylark,
You are an inspiration. Going back to school as a single mom with an infant was very courageous. My wife had a similar situation. She had SS when she was 16, graduated with her HS class. Moved 1200 miles out of state with SS to go to college and got only $110/mo in CS. She did get VA benefits (her biodad died while on active duty), WIC, Food Stamps and some welfare but she also worked two jobs while going to school.
She and I married at the beginning of her sophomore year so she only had to do the single mom college student thing for a year.
I am sure your DS is proud of his mom for finishing college. My SS is proud of my wife. Of course this causes significant drama with the SpermClan none of whom are educated.
Hopefully SS will finish his degree while he is in the AF. He is a very smart kid but he is a pleaser. I could see him not finishing school in order to not piss off the SpermClan. He has to choose. Piss of the SpermClan by finishing college or piss or his mom, me and more importantly his grandmother (my mom) by not finishing school.
I know which way I would go if I was him. I have had my 5'2" mother pissed off at me for taking 11yrs to finish my undergrad. It was SCARY!
3GM, We have struggled to
3GM,
We have struggled to counter their "school is not important" family mantra for 16+ years. They consistently loaded my SS with the guilt of "we want more visitations and it is Okay if you miss a few days of school to visit longer". My wife never caved on this point and SS knows how important school is to his mom and I and the rest of the Rags clan.
We did get SS through HS on time and with honors though it was a monumental struggle at times.
School means so little to the SpermClan that BioDad actually played hooky for the equivalent of an entire year of school during his HS career. If I had done that my parents would have had my head on a notebook and delivered it to class every day so that I would not miss a thing.
The only members of their family who have ever set foot in a college classroom are SpermGrandMa and my SS's Aunt (we like her, she detests her worthless POS brother) who took a couple of accounting classes at the local CC while my wife was working on her undergrad. SpermGrandMa initiated the accounting classes in a lame and failed attempt to pace my wife. Even after my wife has finished a dual major BS in MGT/ACC, an MBA and a CPA SpermGrandMa asks my wife regularly "you have your associates in accounting right?". My SS would expound on his mom's or my latest degree during visitation. Every time she asks about the AS, my wife corrects her and SpermGrandMa makes some smart assed comment about my wife being snooty.
Oh well, you can't fix stupid and with the exception of the Aunt and my SS it is not looking too good for the SpermClan. Hopefully my SS's also out-of-wedlock half sibs by two other mothers will be able to overcome their highly polluted and shallow gene pool.
I certainly hope the kids do well. If they don't it will break my kid's heart.
im 21 and recently moved back
im 21 and recently moved back in with my mom in June when dh moved to be closer to sd to save money (while in college F/T and working F/T). I was supposed to move with him after 6 or so months, but he lost his job and no good job prospects in that town, so Dh moved in about a month ago and now has 2 jobs. and we help my mom around the house. She isnt remarried either. We talked about that; that if she was remarried that she probably would of made us come up with a better plan about when we would move out, currently we dont know when we will move out. BUT WE WILL! I sure as hell dont want to stay here forever or for more than a year either! lol.
We have a question, if it is
We have a question, if it is appropriate to let your adult child live to with you. The simple answer that is very logic is, does parenthood ends when your child becomes adult? A big no. But, parents should stand firm to decide that's it's time for their adult children now to stand on their own feet. Yes, they can stay at you for a couple of weeks until they become ready to face the world but still we need to push them to do that. A new study reveals that 59 percent of U.S. mothers and fathers provide fiscal assistance for their grown children. The study covered parents of adult kids who are not in college. As reported by the research, the recession is responsible for keeping many of them at home. In some situations, it is pushing whoever has left to move back -- so called "boomerang kids.". Parents have had to take out payday loans just to keep up.