No problem. I'll cancel my plans for you
At what point do you stop helping. I'm tired of my life being interrupted to do things for SS8. I'm not talking about doing things with and for him when we have him every weekend, I'm talking about all the things I'm expected to do for him when he is in BM's custody. BM doesn't have a car and hasn't had one in 2 years so she's been mooching off of friends for rides everywhere. She has now burned most of her bridges and her "friend pool" is drying up. DH has been picking up the slack when it comes to picking SS up from school and taking him to his baseball games. DH is out of town this week on business and BM expects me to drop everything when she calls. Twice this week she called me last minute to pick SS and her other kids up from school (they all go to the same school). What was I supposed to do...refuse, leave them stranded and have the police called. Now today DH calls from out of state asking me to take SS and his brother to baseball in one hour because she can't get them there and SS called him crying. Now what? If I say "no", then I'm hurting SS and I'm the bad guy, if I say "yes" then I am helping enable her to continue to be a worthless POS that does nothing yet gets all the credit. How am I supposed to refuse to help out when SS is the one that will be hurt in the end. This poor child has such a f'ed up life with BM I can't bear to see him upset anymore than he already is.
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Wow, that totally sucks. I
Wow, that totally sucks. I think that is why I have so much resentment towards SD15 right now. I don't want her living with us, we've been there, done that it was an epic fail less than a year ago and now here we are doing the same thing all over again. But what am I to do?? Option 1: TELL DH that SD can't live with us? Then I am the bad guy? Then DH resents ME down the road when SD is pregnant, and more fucked up than she already is?
Or, Option 2: I let SD and BM disrupt my household yet again, I am miserable because I have to hide shit from SD in my own home, have to walk past her nasty hole of a room in my nice clean house, have to get totally snubbed by her on Mother's Day but continue to pay 1/2 the bills to support her and a million other reasons I don't want her there.
Both options suck, it's a no win situation for me. Basically like you said, you either stand up and be the bad guy or you bend over... it sucks!
Now. Today. Immediately. BM
Now. Today. Immediately. BM and DH are taking advantage of your guilt about SS. Yes you will be the bad guy, so what.
I've gotten to the point of not caring if I'm the bad guy. In fact when Im treated like the bad guy, thats when I know I'm successfully setting personal boundaries.
"In fact when Im treated like
"In fact when Im treated like the bad guy, thats when I know I'm successfully setting personal boundaries." Very well said.
I would probably not answer
I would probably not answer BM calls. But then DH would call I'm sure. SS and BM kids should ride the bus to and from school. As far as sports go I'm on the fence with that one. I really don't think its your responsiblity its BM and DH. But if the pratices are on DHs time thats different. Maybe you should be out with a friend eating or watching a movie. Every practice and no your not going to stop doing that to take them to the games. Let Bm, she sure can get where ever she needs to go.
How do the kids get to
How do the kids get to school? And seriously, if all the kids are stranded at school on BMs time who is responsible for getting them home? So she gets into trouble. If you were in a coma or in traction she would have to look at other options wouldn't she?
I agree with the poster who said when she is a the Bad Guy she is succeeding in establishing her personal boundaries.
Just say no. No running the kids to baseball. Or you can do it this one last time. Then you give DH and he can pass the word over to BM that you are no longer available to run their kids to and from school, baseball or otherwise. You aren't thanked for it. no one gives you gas money. It ends today. If the kids miss out then this is not your problem because you did not sign them up for games with no way of getting them there.
wow, i feel for you. you'r
wow, i feel for you. you'r either going to keep doing it until you explode and your marriage will suffer or you refuse to do it and your marriage will suffer. i've been there - still am. the bottom line is your marriage is doomed until your dh draws appropriate boundaries around his first family and his current family. no more being bm's personal taxi service. has she been this dependant on your dh the entire time they've been separated? i bet she's dependant on him for more than rides. i think he's coddled her and she never had a need to become independant. you'll know when it's time to tear your marriage apart and either re-build it, or let it go if dh refuses to put YOU first. i'm in the process right now of tearing mine apart limb to limb. it sucks, but it's gotta be done. it sucks ss will have to suffer, but i'd say he was going to suffer regardless. your story is just one example of why second marriages do not work. it's only when the spouses can put their marriage above EVERYONE will the marriage work.