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That Glazed-Over Look

MorningMia's picture

Submitted by MorningMia on Fri, 10/25/2024 - 10:58am

It’s the look the skids (SD much more than SS) always had whenever I mentioned anyone in my family, when any of my friends or family (who were always extremely kind to them, by the way) were around, when I said anything about my job or other activities, when I pointed out where I worked as we drove by. Glazed-over eyes and no comments. It’s the look that came over the skids’ faces when DH showed them something nice I had purchased, created, or anything I was proud of.  ANYTHING concerning me or my life was responded to with no response, the glazed-over look in the eyes and expressionless faces. Yet we just kept on being decent. We showed interest in their  lives, their achievements (though, admittedly, I avoided graduations, but did buy them separate gifts from me), their activities, and we were there for them when they encountered rocky situations (of which there were big ones). 

I guess when you’re just not used to encountering cretin-like behavior, you’re kind of bewildered (even their father was bewildered) and just not sure how to handle it/deal with it, although 5 years in, I finally shut a door. The visits stopped with one of them and became rare with the other. The gifts stopped (from me) altogether. I stopped acknowledging birthdays, too. Today, almost 20 years in, neither skid could tell you my birthday, names of my family members, or whether I’m right or left handed. lol.  

Skids are older now. SD calls DH this morning. DH gets off the phone and says to me, “SD asked if you’re still running.” My response, had I been DH, would have been, “Why don’t you ask her?” I would have come back with that response multiple times through the years when SD asked her phony little pretend questions about me. DH knows in his heart SD feigns a miniscule amount of interest in my life TO PLEASE HIM, to pretend she is not who and what she is and to pretend she doesn’t feel the way she feels. Just stop.

My response to DH was—you guessed it—a glazed-over expressionless look and no words. 

 

Comments

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Fri, 10/25/2024 - 11:18am

I would have been calling them out each and every time they were rude if I were their father throwing in some loss of electronics, writing countless sentences about not being rude. Along with any number of misery inducing consequences.

Grrrrrrr!

Well played in turning the blank stare tactic back on the person who fostered, nourished, and tolerated it from these ass-hat failed family spawn.

Merry's picture

Submitted by Merry on Fri, 10/25/2024 - 12:07pm

My Mom tried to include skids as "family." Nope, neither SS nor SD we're having it. They were marginally polite at least.

When my Mom received a birth announcement for one of SD's kids, Mom didn't even recognize her name (no cognitive issues at that point). When I told her, she said, "Why would I send something to a stranger?" Right on, Mom, right on. 

MorningMia's picture

Submitted by MorningMia on Fri, 10/25/2024 - 4:11pm

It hurts to watch family members on the receiving end of rudeness and aloofness from cretin ingrates. But, yes, right on, Merrys mom! 

Kes's picture

Submitted by Kes on Fri, 10/25/2024 - 12:10pm

I really feel for you.  I carried on trying to buy the SDs gifts I thought they might like, for Xmas and birthdays, for 10-12 years after I met them, while they either got me nothing, or worse than nothing, some old shit from the back of BM's cupboard - I recall a small, dusty bottle of vinegar - that was pretty typical.  They didn't know anything about me,  eg what I did for a living, what my family was, nothing.  And they never asked.  I feel for you that your SD asks these phony questions, feigning an interest in you.  Sad that your DH doesn't recognise this.

Little Type Amy's picture

Submitted by Little Type Amy on Fri, 10/25/2024 - 1:25pm

I used to give  presents to SD too or at least throw some money DH;s way to put towards Xmas gifts for the grands too. Now thats tapered off from me. Not that I ever expect anything in return from SD29 or get hung up on all that. To be fair, she has gotten me little things which was rare. I accepted them with grace and grattitude dont get me wrong, but didnt draw me back in all the way which it ended up being what she had hoped.. Her kind gesttures usually reveal themselve to have been attached to some kind of ulterior motive.This gesture being no different in the end since it was used against me later on .  But aside from that occasion, I cant recall last time she gifted me with anything. For Xmas all these other  years, , DH would get something ( if anything) that clearly only He could use ( a new razor kit..something like that) things that were meant just for him. 

MorningMia's picture

Submitted by MorningMia on Sat, 10/26/2024 - 8:08am

For Xmas all these other  years, , DH would get something ( if anything) that clearly only He could use ( a new razor kit..something like that) things that were meant just for him. 

These were our first few Christmases as a married couple. DH was so (especially) embarrassed and humiliated, as we opened gifts Christmas morning with other family members in our house (he would have been embarrassed anyway), and his skids' rudeness was amplified in front of others. Back then, the skids got presents from us as a couple and from us separately. DH was able to provide more and better for them throughout the year because I was contributing; I'm sure that was obvious. 

DH told the skids if they couldn't recognize us as a couple and me as his wife, to stop giving presents at all. So the sh*** stopped sending gifts to DH during the holidays. A number of years later, SD seeped back in with "pretend" presents for "us," always DH's "favorite cookies" (notes that said that) and homemade crap only for him that she hoped could pass as being for the both of us to pacify daddy (she did this as recently as last year).

DH always nods his head and asks why and how people use the holidays to take jabs at others. I remind him that all people do not do that; just some people.   

MorningMia's picture

Submitted by MorningMia on Fri, 10/25/2024 - 4:18pm

Omg...the dusty bottles of vinegar or dipping oils. lol. I've seen them, just don't remember where. 
My DH knows better. It's that hopium pipe he smokes now and then. 

Little Type Amy's picture

Submitted by Little Type Amy on Fri, 10/25/2024 - 12:44pm

I get where you are coming from, since I have struggled trying to sort out how much of my SD's show of Kindness is actually genuine or fabricated even just a little to try to suck up to me. Usually this sudden love bombing from her ends up coming across as somewhat phony..trying too hard to pretend to have any interest in me. Unless it benefits her in some way. SoPast patterns have revealed that even my kindness has to have boundaries with some people. SD being the main one, since no good deed goes unpunished with her eventually as there are always some strings attached by her and all these favors expected to suit her extensive emotional needs. . Thats why I stay away and I lean more towards her just trying to look all innocent for me and Daddyyyyy to try to get something as in still trying in vain to score some points with me to get on my good side. . The difference is that I am more likely to see through it than DH naturally. 

My side of the family had also tried their best to include her, even if just for the benefif of making things easier for DH and I. Even when they didnt have to. Of course she ended up shitting all over that being so ungrateful and being nasty to them. That was the end of that needless to say.  She burned that bridge no matter how much she has tried to fake any niceness their way. meanwhile my parents couldnt care less. Like me, no one cant say they didnt TRY to be kind to her. Although she throws that back in my face saying I "never accepted her" as if it were all a show on my part too, when she knows efforts were made. Thats why I withdrew my efforts more and more,especially if she has it in her mind that no one tried to do anything for her. Why bother if she is going to either hold it over my head later ( which she has done regarding her "being nice to me" since that means I owe her)  or just deny it all completely.  Thats why I am also been applying my own "glazed Look/ Going Grey Rock method of my own. 

MorningMia's picture

Submitted by MorningMia on Fri, 10/25/2024 - 4:21pm

The glazed-over gray rock method is actually effective. I should have learned it myself much earlier! 

AlmostGone834's picture

Submitted by AlmostGone834 on Fri, 10/25/2024 - 7:56pm

I just said in my other post I got the same look when DH and I tried to explain "the true meaning of Christmas" to LI. Her eyes glazed over, mentally she checked out, and I just got the overall feeling she was thinking "yeah yeah shut up. Show me the $$$"

thinkthrice's picture

Submitted by thinkthrice on Sat, 10/26/2024 - 3:06am

 Naturally friendly and outgoing Awesomeson (DS 37) actually tried to make friends with Chef's 3 ferals about 20 years ago when he was 17 and the ferals were just kids.  

That went over like a lead balloon.  The one time that they were at a picnic  with my grown children, SD whined to Chef "can we get out of here?" 

My daughter actually commented on their behavior the one time she came over when they were having visitation with Chef.  She asked "Mom, were we that bad when we were young?"  And I responded  no because I wouldn't have allowed it.

MorningMia's picture

Submitted by MorningMia on Sat, 10/26/2024 - 8:16am

One of my BFFs lived at the halfway mark from us and the skids. After meeting the skids the first (and only) time, she made an open offer to all of us:  Why don't you all sometimes meet halfway at my house and spend time with us?  BFF has a lovely home, a pool, a boat, and horses, and loves to be active and have fun. 

Although the skids' reactions (glazed-over looks) were extremely effing rude, in hindsight, I'm overjoyed that they didn't want to do this because I would hate to have watched a friend taken advantage of by ingrate cretins.  

thinkthrice's picture

Submitted by thinkthrice on Sat, 10/26/2024 - 9:22am

Got the TEA from you.  Chef's oldest half brother, Seasoned Citizen, who is now 80 or so about 20 years ago offered to have us come over to his little boating camping area.  The 3 ferals ran absolutely wild, left the gigantic mess, andas always, guilty Daddy Chef did not make them pick up after themselves nor did he even attempt to rein them in although one of them almost drowned.

"Seasoned Citizen" was disgusted and told me he would never invite them to anything ever again!

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Submitted by Rumplestiltskin on Sat, 10/26/2024 - 9:16am

I don't think anyone in SO's family knows my last name, and only a few know my first. I've been to every Christmas, Easter, wedding, anniversary, and Thanksgiving every year for 7 years, and i even had 2 nieces stay with me for several weeks due to family drama. If you don't look at someone or acknowledge them i guess it's like they aren't there. 

MissK03's picture

Submitted by MissK03 on Sun, 10/27/2024 - 9:56am

I had a significant person in my life pass away last year... she was like a mom to me.. SS20 and SS21 said nothing. I blame SO fully for this... I asked SS20 (while we were about to leave for her services) if his father even told him and he said "yeah I'm sorry." I have a good relationship with SS20 too. They knew this person and she had come to some of their birthday/graduation parties. 

My grandfather passed a way last month... nothing from SSs... I still blame SO. SD came to the services. 

These are people I live with 24/7 for YEARS. 

SO wonders why I am the way I am... He just makes excuses for them.

I have stopped completely wishing SS21 happy birthday and buying of any gifts. 

MorningMia's picture

Submitted by MorningMia on Sun, 10/27/2024 - 10:41am

I'm so sorry. The glazed-over bs is particularly hurtful when deaths and grief go ignored. It takes a special kind of monster, imo.