Finances
I know finances can be an issue in the healthiest of relationships/families, but in dysfunctional step-families, they fuel a bona fide s-show. One early red flag was after BM learned we were dating: Suddenly, the "needs" ($) of the skids ramped up (DH mentioned this to me with a bewildered look on his face). It was unusual that yet another laptop or iPad had broken and needed replaced; iPods had to purchased; new cell phones were needed; there were camps to attend; professional photograph sittings*; etc. BM did not have a good job and complained of struggling. DH was doing ok, but by no means well-off. So, I came to believe that BM not only felt entitled to DH's extra money (beyond CS), but wanted to financially gouge him to ensure that he would not have the funds left to enjoy life. Meanwhile, BM was taking the skids on regular vacations, something she tried to keep from us. All of this occurred over a period of time and wasn't quite at the forefront back then (you know how the boiling frog and hindsight are).
After we married, things got worse: vehicle purchases for the skids; out-of-state college tuition; the asinine purchase of a 2nd house where SS was to live and rent out rooms (at 18). DH was not involved in making any these decisions, but BM would demand $$ from him (the skids did take out school loans but DH felt obligated to give them something to support their education). The first few years of our marriage were not only filled with "getting nuked" aggressively by BM, as DH called it, but by financial hardship that I did not expect (doh!). I was furious as I took up the everyday slack--this was NOT what I signed up for. (DH and I have always had separate bank accounts.) It seemed that BM and skids were living the life while DH and I struggled to get away for a weekend. He was back then a serious Dad puppet. He did promise to make it up to me (which he has).
Luckily, we made a couple good real estate decisions and both got better jobs as DH began seeing that his monetary investments in his kids were not paying off in any way. He recognized he was being used. When we moved to a nicer home, SS was visibly upset/angry when he saw it, as if we did not deserve that; they did. SS seriously withdrew from us for a while after that. BM was still playing the role of the suffering struggling single mom, a label she pasted publicly all over the internet. As I've mentioned before, DH did not contribute to SD's wedding to the level most fathers do. He said, "She hasn't treated me like a father; she has never asked for my input on matters that they later asked me to help finance--why would I jump into that role right now?" (I was so proud of him.) Around that time, DH also began taking on most of our bills, which has benefited me quite a bit. Whereas I used to be the one who paid for vacations, he pays for them now. He has more than made up my earlier financial suffering to me.
MEANWHILE, SS will soon be pushing 40 and has not paid off his college loans. He owns little more than a laptop, a drone, and a cell phone. SD has so many kids now (and college loans) that I can't see her ever getting ahead; her husband is by no means a breadwinner. The irony is that had the skids treated us decently--had we had real relationships with them--they would have benefited. They could have also benefited from our advice or wisdom (the house SS and his mother purchased was sold via short sale and SS later claimed bankruptcy). DH doesn't give SS gifts any longer (there is no gratitude; no reciprocation); he does give presents to SD and her kids.
They are all struggling now. We are in a place we worked hard to get to. BM's "plan" did not work out well. She is, we are sure, helping to finance her grown kids (in fact, SS is living with her now). And our wills are wrapped up tight (I don't need to say more).
* I was appalled to see that one professional photo shoot DH contributed to resulted in him receiving a portrait of the skids with A WATERMARK across the image! They printed out a copy for him and framed it! They did not purchase a copy of the actual photograph for him--something he had paid for!
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Comments
At least your DH learned.
At least your DH learned. Better late than never. There's only so much that can be done to overcome the fact that the skids have a horrible BM.
You let it happen
And what did you get for your Money ? You bought dysfunctional. You bought tons of it.
'And it's not your fault.
Worst purchase ever! *ROFL*
Worst purchase ever! *ROFL*
I am glad things have worked
I am glad things have worked out well for you in the end. It is a lot like my story with DH - he had a well paid job when we met and was paying outrageously high CS to BM. She and her kids and her new man lived the high life, with holidays 2/3 times a year, while we could barely afford a UK holiday once a year, and a small house. Go forward 20 years and we are now financially pretty OK. I really identified with:
" When we moved to a nicer home, SS was visibly upset/angry when he saw it, as if we did not deserve that; they did." The first time SD29 came to our current house, which we moved to in 2020, it was like there was a bad smell under her nose the entire visit.
BM, through her fecklessness and failure to save when she had the chance, is hard up. I really feel this is karma working its merry way out.
Thank you. The struggling
Thank you. The struggling while being gouged financially and then becoming aware of their excessive spending was maddening. I am with you re: karma!
Much of The Same
Phones, cars, school trips, events, electric bills, etc etc etc. Money grab every dang week, it seemed. All the while, getting $2000 CS every month. Thankfully, DH wisened up sooner than later or we'd be dead broke, too.
Today, DH and I are fine financially. Not sure of his kids' circumstances but none can brag about doing great in life. Just getting by is more like it. I don't wish that on anyone but rather people prosper and enjoy life. Sad for them....had they just tried to get to know me and be respectful, they'd have found out what everyone knows...I'm a good person and someone you want in your corner. And DHs grandkids....oh gosh...makes me so sad sometimes. I don't have bio grands. Those kids would have been so fortunate and blessed to have a CajunMom in their lives.
Anyway, I carry on in life, bringing my goodness to those in need in my community and the kids in my neighborhood. It's just so sad when you think of how it could have been if everyone would have just practiced kindness. SMH
Mean people are stupid,
Mean people are stupid, pushing kind and generous people away, many times in order to be "right." SD at 12 believed I was going to take her father away from her. Her awful behavior from that age forward made her fear into a self fulfilling prophecy. Of course, all of that was fed heavily by her mother. DH sees SD maybe twice a year. She really doesn't know much about our lives.
I understand this.
This reminds me of OSD; prior to me coming into her dad's life she already had a whole lot of 'ugly' going on, my presence just escalated that 'ugly'. Her fear, immaturity, and inability to differentiate between their father/daughter relationship and our romantic relationship drove her over the edge...she didn't understand they can coexist. The result was truly ugly words and actions, like I have never seen before. I realize she is an alcoholic and mentally ill, but her behaviors can not be excused...especially when she greets me with a smile in front of other people. This indicates she knows what she is doing, her behaviors are calculated and covert. The result, for OSD, is almost no contact with her father. She is also cut off financially and as our wills dictate, it will remain that way.
There's a trickle down effect though. Because of the family's response to the situation, we collectively have a very superficial relationship. I just can't get on board with their denial of the severity of her dysfunction and their need to blame me. I will not accept blame for saying "no" to her abuse. They, too, are sick. I accept them as they are, I place them where they belong, and I am cordial. Right now that is all I can do.
You said your SD doesn't know much about your life. I wish that were true for us too. DH shares with his family and they in turn share with each other. I long for privacy.
The SParent Spouse needs to
The SParent Spouse needs to be smarter than the gaggle of failed family members. Sadly, this often includes the SParent Spouse's mate. AKA the breeder who brought kids to the marriage.
Laptops, IPads, IPods, Cell Phones, Cars, all costs associated with extracurriculars (musical instruments, sports uniforms, equipment, fees, etc...), clothing, food, housing, car insurance, etc... are covered my CS unless specifically otherwise ordered in the CO. No should be the answer to the manipulative crap from the X and the COD spawn. We were the CP side and we learned this this during the years we lived under the CO. Our learning was in billing the SpermClan for SS's school band instrument. The Judge was clear, that is covered under CS which is the NCPs full burden of support under the CO other than half of visitation travel expenses (Each party was responsible for the SKid travel to their location) and half of all medical related costs not covered by insurance (Deductables, Co-Pays, etc...).
Basically RTFCO. Read The F'n Court Order. Do not make decisions with fee fees. One twinge of guilt and the answer is a firm NO!. Rather than wading in the manipulative bullshit perpetrated by the blended family opposition and the kids if they are participating in the toxicity.
We did not tell the idiot opposition to RTFCO, we just told then NO! If they were too stupid to understand the CO that was on them. We would tell them "Nope, not allowed under the court order" with no further clarification. We took the do what we want and stop what we don't want them doing model. Either by rolling up a copy of the CO and beating them about the head and shoulders with it, Figuratively of course. Or, just ignoring them if it was something that was not specifically mentioned in the CO. We took that stand based on the message for the Judge that if it is not mentioned in the CO regarding financial responsibility it is covered. We extrapolated the Judge's clarification and applied it as we wished where we wished. They were terrified of court. We were not.
We also exhaustively researched the Supplemental County (Jurisdictional) Rules and the State regulations and statutes regarding Custody/Visitation/Support. The CO, the Supplemental Rules, and State regs/stats basically put us in an unassailable position when dealing with the opposition. Mainly because they demonstrated zero cognition of ever having read their CO much less the other applicable official docs.
Not our problem.
IMHO if the CP X is broke, not working struggling, etc... tuff shit. The NCP can, should, and has to keep their foot to the ass of the CP to deliver the services the NCP pays them to deliver. regardng the care, feeding, and support of the NCP's kids.
Lather.... rinse..... repeat.
If the opposition CP or NCP is reasonable, then consider some other stance in dealing with them. Or not. It is entirely up to you . IF your mate approves. If the mate does not approve, then the mate needs deliver a clear NOP! The roll up the CO and supplemental and State information and beat their own spouse about the head and shoulders with their own CO while chanting a modified mantra of R(Your)FCO!
Know the CO, live the CO, love the CO. It resolves just about every conflict before it even arises. If the idiot opposition wants to play stupid games, then tell them you will see them in court. Bring multiple file boxes of information to court as subpoenaed by the Judge. If the opposition fails to bring their information, then make the whole day about demanding sheet by sheet the mandatory information that they failed to provide. Push for contempt orders against them for being stupid and not bringing what they were required to bring. Certainly there is an advantage in these things for a CP who is a BM since they are the primary source of the cash cow that is the family law racket including the Judges. But, baring idiot opposition ass certainly helps keep even the bottom 10%ers of the legal profession who seem to sit on the family law bench somewhat grounded.
Though we never lived in SpermLand, because the original paternity and CS order were issued in he county court where my ILs live, the Spermidiot lives and DW lived, the Custody/Visitation/Support actions after that were there. Our comprehensive documentation and far better attorney chapped the ass of the idiot Judge who clearly wanted to favor the locally resident SpermIdiot and SpermClan. Having clearly superior knowledge of the situation and available information pulled the SpermClan's teeth. Our second hearing was with an Admin Law Judge via a telephone hearing. She was orders of magnitude more professional the the first robed idiot we had to deal with.
Facts, facts, facts, documentation, documentation, documentation, NO!, NO!, NO! Lather, rinse repeat.
KISS.
The best thing for CODs is clear boundaries, regular review of the facts in an age appropriate manner, and tolerate no bullshit from the COD's other parent if that parent is not being reasonable.
THIS is exactly how the
THIS is exactly how the Disneyland dad and his money grubbing failed former family was
Another form of B*tch Beck n Call dysfunction....
Not only are the skids demanding every second of his time but they're demanding every dollar he makes (and this is outside of child support plus the extras)
WORSE is one of his kids is a male who is of legal age to work but being raised as a pampered male sugar baby in training
This was so unattractive knowing that after he was done being used as a walking ATM .... he thought I would gleefully be attracted to a shell of a man who allowed his failed former family to drain his resources to the point he couldn't adequately contribute to our shared household expenses
High conflict, bitter, lazy, conniving, jealous exes just another way to control the narritive using her spawns as tools to manipulate and run off any new women