Envious Stepdaughter
My husband and I have been married for 37 years. I have a son from my previous marriage, he as 2 daughters and 1 son from his previous marriage. My husband told me straight up that he has children he is financially responsible for and that he will most likely never be able to support me (and my son) financially. I told him I am not interested in financial support and that I would take care of myself and my son.
We also decided to not have any children together and I had my tubes tied at the age of 28.
For the most part, his children were raised by their mother while he paid child support and did his best to stay in touch with his children. My biological son lived with us.
We lived in a different country for a few years but ensured annual flights w/4-week stays for my husband in the US so he could spend time with his children. Long distance phone calls between countries were incredibly expensive back then, yet we made sure my husband called regularly to stay in touch.
During the course of the years, my husband and I had ~equal income. We each paid 50% for rent/mortage/utilities, etc., he paid his child support, while I fulfilled my son's financial needs.
In 1995, we moved back to the US and were able to purchase a house - thanks to my husband's military service. Family was excited and two of his children, his brother, and his nephew lived with us for a couple of years.
Our finances were still split, not only because of the blended family, but my husband loves to spend while I'm a bit more frugal. I did, however, always help out with no expectation to ever be repaid, whenever he didn't reach his financial goal to i. e. purchase plane tickets, help his now adult children with rent, utilities, medical expenses, courses, etc.
In 2013, while our finances were still split, I was able to purchase a condo in our area by taking out a 401k loan. I first thought about renting it out for additional income but since my biological son, who was the only one who still lived close to us (everyone else moved back ~600 miles away) in a rental apartment, I decided to not rent it out but allow him to utilize it rent free, with the stipulation for him to pay the monthly regime fee, and he agreed.
During our marriage, we were also able to puchase some land with a double-wide (signature loan/his 401k), which we lived in for 5 years. Since we loved the place so much, we kept and maintained it for another 8 years but, since none of our children showed any interest in moving there, we ended up selling it last year and paid off our current residence.
Fast forward, kids are grown, 8 grandchildren were added (step for me; I have no biological grandchildren), we're both retired, finances are no longer split, I used my 401k to convert our screened in porch into a Florida room to create space for when the kids and grandkids come to visit, and life is good, except.....
My middle stepdaughter (4 children from 4 different men), gave up her job to "work" with the last child's father who is also her bipolar, male chauvinist, rasist, verbally abusive lover (mind you, the first 3 of her children are biracial), who supposedly did not pay her for her work and caused her to be 3-months behind on her rent.
During a phone conversation which involved lots of sobbing and accusations (nobody cares, etc.), because neither my husband (who is beyond frustrated with his daughter's choices) nor I offered to help with her rent, she asked me why my son lives in a condo and she has nothing, she can't even pay her rent.
After that question, I saw RED and compteley exploded. I told her to NOT come at me that way, that this conversation is over and that I am DONE! After that, I walked out of the room and left my husband to deal with his daughter.
She called me back at midnight, apologized, but still cried. I comforted her, asked her if she felt better, which was confirmed with "yes, good night, and I love you".
My husband and I believe she might have been under the influence of drugs and alcohol; therefore, the outburst during the earlier conversation.
However, how deep rooted is this envy of what I was able to do for my biological son but not for her? There is no regard that my son was moved to this country at age 11 and that because of that move, I am his only "network", there is nobody else.
While my husband's family is HUGE, none of the family members are close by and I would not even know whom to approach, should I ever need financial assistance. My whole adult life, I made sure that I and the one I gave birth to was taken care of, in addition to helping my husband with his.
How far do my responsibilities go? Is this envy justified?
Even though, throughout my work history, my pay was fair (dental assistant, assembly line work, administrative assistant) but never great, it appears I am being looked at at this money cow who will make it happen, but dare if I don't.
I am done and disappointed. Thank you for listening and some possible advice on how to work through this.
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Comments
Your stepdaughter is where
Your stepdaughter is where she is because of the choices she made. She's an adult who needs to step it up and get her life on track. She's can make rent if she works hard enough and if your husband insists on bailing her out it may be time to split finances again.
From "I can't help you, i
From "I can't help you, i have KIDS." To "Help! I have kids! They are adults and need money FOREVER!"
Classic.
Thanks for the chuckle.
Same here
The detsils are different but I deal with my SD63's envy all the time. She's always been envious starting at age 10 when I met her. I realize it stems from envy of my relationship with her dad. It's part of why she has always stolen from me.
Try to just keep living your life. Nowadays, my SD, like yours, is envious of my maturity, financial stability, and stable marriage. I can't do anything to help my SD make better choices and neither can you.
You sound like a together person.
You say he made it clear when
You say he made it clear when you married that you would have to financially support your son and yourself without any help from him. You paid half of everything while there were 2 of you and (i think 4?) of them. He doesn't get to change the rules now that he is the needy one. If he chose to have separate finances in the beginning, well....tough. ETA it sounds like it was a mistake to combine finances eventually. SD sounds like a money pit.
Rumple for the win AGAIN-
Rumple for the win AGAIN- this is right. When the circumstances served him he drew lines in the sand for YOU and your son. Now the circumstances are different and it applies equally to him. NO CHANGE should be made on your part. I understand why you saw red...it's because you have been fair to keep your end of the bargain all these years. Now it's just and fair for you to keep this bargain the same. His children, his problem. Keep your money to YOU please...you've done everything to be independent and care for you and your own- don't let those rules change now. YARRR does this make me MAD...single woman with child works her tail end off - is responsible, accountable DOES everything to not take resources away from the other family and NOW adult male and his SKIDs are expectant of her after she recieved NO support from any of them. Please woman, hold your ground!
Misunderstood
My husband is not trying to change the rules and is completely with me on this. He despises his daughter's current lifestyle and choices. He does not make me feel bad but tries to comfort.
I was the one who wanted to keep the finances separate because of his honest warning when we first met, and he never had an issue with it.
I'm also the one who is, for whatever stupid reason, guilt ridden because I managed to purchase a condo for my biological son but not for any of his children. My husband does not make me feel that way. He was always proud of my little accomplishments and thankful for keeping him on track with his own finances. Also, neither of us are particularly fond of having any of our children move back in with us, not even my biological son, hence, the purchase of the condo.
Well hell, if your DH isn't
Well hell, if your DH isn't guilting you, you definitely shouldn't be guilting yourself! You earned your money. You held up *your* end of taking care of yourself and your son. Keep up the good work!
I'm also the one who is, for
maybe if he didn't make you pay half the rent you could have stacked more into real estate for anyone else you decided (including his kids) or even if he was as good with his money as you were with yours then .....
your husband seems like a good person to be so upfront with you about finances however I do think he might have been shortsighted with his "I can't provide for you" attitude (didn't realize you're great with money, one day you'd be better off financially, and your financial generosity could have extended to his kids too)
He might be somewhere kicking himself right now
I know I would if I were him
Hubby
Thank you for your feedback.
Yes, there are times when he wants to kick himself for not having listened to the wife, LOL! He is a really great guy though and I wouldn't want to trade him for anything.
Btw, with everyone's help and feedback, I have come to the conclusion that my guilt trip is completely unjustified. Now I want to kick myself for not listening, because hubby told me this three days ago.
Yes, be kind to yourself.
Yes, be kind to yourself. That your DH counseled you to not guilt yourself over his own kid's failures speaks highly of him.
Take care of you.
It wasn't 100% clear.. is
It wasn't 100% clear.. is your husband asking you to help his daughter in some way.. or are you just asking "if you should help her".. if her envy is justified.
I mean.. honestly.. people can be jealous of others.. what they have.. what they don't have.. etc.. his daughter is entitled to her feelings that someone is getting a better deal or hand of cards than she got. But. .. her having those feelings doesn't mean anyone is obligated to make the world "fair" for her.. and yes.. she has had many helps already along the way.
I think it's simple.. to say.. for your husband to tell her. DW's son's situation is 100%% covered by his mother. I don't support him.. never have. What finances my wife has and how she spends them and on whom.. is totally her business. It's not your concern and you don't have a say in it or a right to any of it.
It sounds like this woman has a host of problems.. possibly all or most self inflicted.. perhaps she needs to reach bottom to find the strength to save herself.
Wasn’t clear
My husband is not asking for me to help because he feels in her current state of mind, we'd be feeding bad choices and addiction.
However, thank you for your response. I was seeking for confirmation that my finances are mine to do whatever I want with, without feeling guilty, especially if I do something nice for my son.
My husband does not make me feel guilty and is super supportive. I bring this guilt on myself.
Thanks again for your feedback.
Your finances ARE yours to do
Your finances ARE yours to do with as you wish. It sounds like you worked hard to put yourself in a position where you could offer some help to your bio son.. so you shouldn't feel an ounce of guilt for that. On top of that, it sounds like while you didn't totally financially support his kids.. you did help your DH when he had shortfalls.. so as a partner, you helped your spouse and by association his children through the years.
It's unfortunate that she is in this place in her life and of course, we can all feel pity or empathy for other people when they struggle but we cannot shoulder the world's problems. She is your SO's daughter.. and it sounds like she has gone to the well too many times.. and to be clear.. it would NEVER be your responsibility to assist her.
Please don't feel guilty for being able to help your son.. maybe one day.. you will need the money and you will need him to step up and pay rent.. but if he is able to save more while living there.. and it works financially for you.. there is no problem with it.
However, thank you for your
you've got a great husband on your side it sounds like
its also key to look at things on a case by case basis -
based on your original agreement where you each are financially responsible for your own bios ....
you were in the situation to provide housing for your kid bc it was a priority to you and you planned for it this way.
your husband either was not able or did not want to provide housing for each of his kids that's his prerogative he didn't want to be responsible for
That's simply how it is
and now the adult skids have to be responsible for themselves. Nobody told them they would inherit a house so they never should expect it.
Sad that your sd has drawn 4 innocent kids into her messy life but it will work out. Point her to government resources and career center and she will be fine.
Housing for son
Thank you do much for your kind words.
I have no idea why I felt this incredible drive to provide affordable, permanent housing to my offspring, aside from that I don't suffer from empty nest syndrome and don't want to share our residence with anyone, not even my DS;). However, once I did accomplish this personal goal (which, truthfully, wasn't even in the radar until the housing market crash), I experienced this immense feeling of peace and relief that is hard to describe.
It's almost like, now I can die in peace. Even after my death (I'm a perfectly healthy 61-year old who desires to live forever, but...lol), housing for DS is secured.
Housing was always utmost important to me. Even when I was a single mom, after my divorce from my first husband at the age of 22, a roof over our heads was what drove me out of bed in the morning and to whatever job paid the rent. I thank the universe every single day for my health and for the jobs, no matter how minute (sold snow cones on the side of the road in Texas, lol), and for everything that we were able to accomplish together for us, and I for my son.
The housing - I get it
Like you, I was a single mom working to provide housing, food and everything else for my 2 kids. My ex was a deadbeat dad. The younger ones won't remember but you know and I know that back then, child support enforcement was nothing like it is now. Also, landlord's could legally say things like, "We dont rent to divorcees" and DID to my face. So, yeah, I was hyper about housing, too.
I am also seeing RED for you!
I am also seeing RED for you! Your SD sounds like mine ( 29 almost 30) who still comes off like the world owes her something because she has had a shitty life due to her equally shitty decisions. She is so fixated on ( and jealous ) of others who have the nice things in life that she says she wants too. Things that people earned through hard work and effort, which she fails to contribute in order to obtain these goals. She doesnt want to get it...that no one is coming to save her in this life. Also, anyone she is depending on ( i say Using and Manipulating) to "help" her ( more like Enable) will not always be around.
So take it from me when I say tell you to never fall back into feeling like you owe your SD anything. She has to figure it out someday and its not your problem whether she does or not. Sink or Swim Time!
Yep...and IF you make the
Yep...and IF you make the decision to help her which you really really should NOT - keep in mind she most likely will not be grateful. And it will turn into an neverending requirement on your part that should you ever say no to - you will be cast as a villian. This is a losing proposition- stand your ground.
That is the precise pattern
That is the precise pattern word for word that plays out.. Been down this road more than once for sure with the lack of consitent grattitude or even a Thank You after taking on favors to "help" SD ( that she had dumped on me out of the blue without asking me since my assistance is always just Assummed ) which ended up being for naught.
No way am I going to feel that obligated to sacrifce myself just so she can feel more comfortable with her little feelings, when most of the time, she hadnt much consideration for mine. .
Husband
Where does your husband sit in all this?
I agree with the others that your $$, your A$$ets, YOUR decision and dont fret about it further.
But you may need to look into how to protect yourself in case husband decides that she has a hint of validity in her points. If he starts feeling guilty or feeling like he has to "rescue" her, or "its just for the GRANDCHILDREN", you will need to draw some boundaries and separate finances again.
Husband
My husband feels exactly the way I do and is done helping financially. He didn't even want to send xmas money to any of his children, since they're fully grown, but only send the grandkids a little something.
I don't want to exclude his children because If they were living closer, like my son, I wouldn't exclude them either. So, I still feel that a little something for xmas wouldn't kill us but still make them feel loved and remembered, even in adulthood.
Thoughts?
You can get them a gift
You can get them a gift without it being bail money or a down payment on something. If my SO's daughters, who are similar to your SD minus the kids, come visit for Christmas, i will get them something along the lines of what i get my niece and nephew. I spend $40-50 each but try to make it well thought out.
For these types, even everything would never be enough.
My SIL is one of them. My ILs allowed her to graduate from HS a year early when the people's republic of SpermLand reduced the graduation requirements from HS in the idiot attempt to save money. SIL landed on the year that the with parents approval for those under 18, the could graduate at the end of Jr. year. SIL had just enough credits to meet the new graduation requirement due to a P2P summer she spent in Europe after her Sophomore year of HS. DW begged her parents not to sign the approval form. If any kid on the planet needed that year of maturity, it was... and alarming still is (she is pushing 40) my DW's idiot sister.
When that all unfolded I offered my DW that to intervene and hopefully rescue my SIL from a life of serial out of wedlock breeding dole minion status, if my ILs would agree to allow DW to take guardian ship of SIL (then 17) she could live with and we would pay for her college education. The conditions were, we get the tax write off for SIL, she does the law care, after school care for then 11yo SS, she does basic housekeeping. That offset about $550/mo of after school care and lawn service costs though her tuition, gas, insurance, food and clothing was much more than $550/mo. She would live with us, be a part of our family, we would feed her, clothe her, we provided her with a vehicle, when we went of vacation or out ot eat, she was with us.
A good deal for SIL, a good deal for us. At least on the surface.
That year was hell on wheels. It was a constant battle keeping SIL's class attendance up, getting her to do the lawn and some light housecleaning. The biggest struggle was getting her to do her coursework to a literate college quality work level. DW pulled strings at her alma matter to get SIL in. DW was her Acctg Profs wunder student and they were exceptionally close. The Prof took SIL under his wing. Though it was a battle, SIL actually did decently finishing her first year of Uni was a 3.0 student. After turning 18 and completing that year SIL ran home. Due to her decent GPA she got into a local University. She attended for 10 years until she could not take out any more school loans and the Uni would not let her enroll in any more classes. She owes $100K+, has nothing to show for any of it, and went on to a serially out of wedlock breeding though eventually married family and at last count a dozen+ jobs she has been fired from or resigned just before getting shit canned.
To this day, we were mean, controlling, took advantage of her.... Whaaaaaa!
My ILs are a Christmas list family. They each make a gift list, then have an extended family dinner in mid Oct to draw names and exchange lists. We get a the list from each and every one of them. We do not do the list thing. We buy gifts for each of them. Usually nothing on their lists. My stance is that DW should choose what she wants each of them to have regardless of what they say they want.
SIL's typed list she sends to us always has some handwritten extras at the top of her list. e.g. Pay off our mortgage. Pay off my school loans. Buy us a new car, etc.....
We did the right thing 20 years ago. Though in hindsight I do wish I had not made the offer.
YES on the christmas gifting
Skids are always going to be skids...
Parity
Parity is my stepmom religion so, as far as gifts go, I treat all kids, his or mine, the same. We do money instead of gifts so each one gets the same amount. The same goes for the 9 grandkids and the 4 great-grandkids.
We've slowly lessened the amounts over the years. This year, I stopped the birthday cards and cash for everyone altho I still text to say "Happy Birthday". Side note: I did the birthday cards + cash to maintain the relationships but seldom got a thank you or any kind of acknowledgement. But now that I text, I do get responses so I'm achieving what I want, maintenance of the relationships.
If you want to send holiday
If you want to send holiday gifts to your SKidults, do it. However, do not send them anything that can be turned into money. Get them what you want them to have.
My DW has had her heart broken any number of times when giving gifts to her family. Nice things that DW appreciates thinking that she wants the receiver to have that gift. Nice things. Expensive things that DW enjoys shopping for, for them.
Gifting is not about what the receiver wants, it is about what the giver wants for the receiver.
It has taken years for me to get my DW into the mindset that giving gifts to my ILs is about DW's joy.
IMHO of course.
With this Skidult, I would give her fliers for rehab.
Self assigned victims are not
Self assigned victims are not worth listening to. So, write her off. Yes, she is your DH's failed family spawn. That even he is not biting on her victim-hood and crying, says more than enough about her than anyone needs to know.
A huge congratulations to you and your DH for such a long successful marriage in the challenging blended family world. Considering you both have prior marriages, your marital success is even more notable. Again, congratulations. You and DH have figured out how to be your best together.
You and DH chose to be partners who were separating resources so that each of you provided for yourselves and your own children. This whiny, likely crackhead, failed spawn is living the life she has created for herself. Her choice to partner with an abusive racist POS is on her.
Not your problem. Not even daddy's problem.
So, celebrate your retirement, you and DH get on with living your best lives.
Loving kids does not mean having to support them as adults. As for your Condo and your son living in it, that is none of this serial breeder drug users business. Stay the course on that. Hopefully DH will not buckle to her crying "Daddyyyyyyyy hep meeeeeeeee!" crap then her trying to guilt you by pulling the condo card. Keep her where she is. A write off.
Good luck with this train wreck Skid.
Take care of you.
Thank you
Thank you all so much for your comfort, recommendations, and encouraging words. I appreciate all of you who took the time to respond.
Oh, and I want to add that my husband, even though not always having been able to support/help me or my son financially, he showed his support to me and my son by taking him to practices, going on field trips, and in so many other ways. I could not have wished for a better partner.
Again, thanks to all if you.
Hey if that worked for y'all
Hey if that worked for y'all awesome!
Sometimes Something is better than nothing
I'd have been tempted to tell
I'd have been tempted to tell her to ask her mother why SHE hadn't bought a condo for her ..
My husband told me straight
kudos to him for being honest - more single dads need to be honest about their financial situation
However your SDs question is ironically the result of HER FATHER deciding he couldn't help you financially with your kids so you are under zero obligation to help him financially with his kids
Perhps you could have sat him down and talked to him about his plans for helping his kids have some real estate like you did but he probably wouldn't have listened.
Your husband had not intended to help her with housing so it is what it is. She's got to own her decisions and take accountability for her actions. Every time she laid down to have a kid she could have thought to herself "Will this bring me closer to homeownership?" If the answer is NO then get up, put ya clothes on, and get to work!
Idk point her to the nearest section8 and child support office (and a therapist for those kids being forced to live with a racist who hates them for some they can't even control)
SC Housing
Thank you for your feedback. It is very much appreciated.
My husband didn't actually decide to not financially be supportive of me and my son, he just let me know that he, most likely, will not be able to. His honesty enabled me to make a sound decision BEFORE we helplessly fell in love with each other. Neither he nor I ever expected financial support from each other for ourselves or our children, we just wanted to be together.
In regards to housing for his children, he never truly worried because even IF disaster was to strike and he wouldn't be able to assist, there is a HUGE network of family around his children who would never allow for any of them to end up in the streets. That sounds like him burdening family with his children, but that's not how it is and that's not how he is. Their biological mother is still alive as well and lives close to them. To her dismay, right next to troubled daughter.
Also, unlike mine, his 401k didn't grow quite as quickly (lower contribution rate) because he supported 3 children while I only had to worry about my 1.
My husband did as best he could for his three and I did the same for my one. There were times when we financially assisted by removing money from our common savings account, which contained equal contributions from both of us.
We have our stuff worked out well and hubby is definitely not the issue.
The more I think I about it, I am the issue for allowing my SD to send me on this irrational guilt trip, simply because I, as her stepmother, purchased a condo for my bilogical son but not for her.
After all this, I actually feel sort of stupid for even giving her remark and opinion any value at all. My husband has been telling me for three days to consider the source and that her situation is not our problem, ESPECIALLY not mine.
Thank you so much for lending me an ear and for guiding me through this.
Welcome to Steptalk!
Glad you took the advice into account.
:D
And welcome!
Also, unlike mine, his 401k
no I totally get it.
my bad if I talk a little more bluntly than usual
I figured he initially told you that because he had 3 mouths to feed vs your 1 ... and providing for 6 people may have been at that time overwhelming but he didn't want that overwhelm to prevent your relationship from growing ...
The Disneyland dad that I used to be with told me the same thing but he wasn't confident to tell me on the front end. It came out in an argument then we argued more because I didn't agree with his stance initially but realized the reality (he wasn't rolling in dough so realistically he couldn't financially fully provide for 5 people and if we keep our finances separate / financially provide for the kids we bring into the household then that is another solution of how blended family finances can work)
As long as everyone is cool with the arrangement that's all that really matters.
Most importantly is being near the same page if not on the same page with your spouse - which sounds like you are so enjoy your gift giving ... guilt free bc you planned and moved according to your vision
Thank you
Thank you
We kissed and made up
Thanks to everyone's input, I composed a text to SD, apologized for my outburst after her comment, redirected her towards her BPs, clarified/explained DH's and my financial agreement, politely asked for privacy regarding my finances, and wished her the very best for her future.
She replied back, thanked me for my text, and sincerely apologized. She expressed her happiness over my accomplishments as well as her gratitude and appreciation for past assistance I was able to provide.
She promised that she is working on herself every day to better herself and get back on track.
I, of course, accepted her apology and all is good.
Thanks again to all of you and the support you have provided. You are a GREAT group of people!