Broken People
Been saving some FB post and reels mainly self help stuff advising on setting boundaries with toxic narcissitic folks. I guess social media is good for something.
The bottom line is clear across the board: We are all dealing with some majorly F@#$ed up People and its not our job to heal them.
One takeway is that some people ( like the majority of our skids and also the BM's) dont really want to heal. They just want Attention.Mainly because they love the kind of attention that just Staying Broken brings them. Thats why they wont fully committ to doing the work they need to do the help themselves get out of any situations or mess they are in. Thats why they are full of excuses , full of reasons why they cant mange to level up in their life. They really dont want to step it up. Thats also why they look to the easy way out of everything instead, so nothing changes. Its just easier for them to stay broken and pitiful. expecting others to be their supply and do that work for them.
I tell you what Im still going to do: Just leaving SD and her clan right over there with their broken selves.Why? Because thats a decison that she is making and has decided thats the life she is settling for.. Im OK with just leaving her to it. Hope it works out for her. Im just going to keep moving happlily along with my own business
There is a difference between people who really want to better themselves and attention seekers. ( which is hard to believe when SD really has "grown" as much as she says while she is just too busy focusing on all the wrong things, namely laser focused on suddenly thinking im going to be the one to do that for her) People like her just want us to make them feel comfortable in the mess that they are in that they created, They dont want you say nothing, but not me, Im not afraid to say shit anymore. Im just going to walk off and keep moving! Peace out!
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Powerful Thoughts
As I was reading your post, the SKs I deal with fit your description perfectly. And while DHs kids have treated me horrificly since I entered StepHell, it still made me a bit sad. DHs kids are serious attention seekers and refuse to change, regardless of truths right in their face. Narcissism to the 10th degree. Fast forward to today.....their behaviors have cost them dearly. BM died a few years ago so the only "support" they get in their behaviors now is from each other. They live 1000's of miles from us (except for one who never comes around) so limited visiting with their dad, made even more limited in that they aren't allowed in our home. Their one "whipping post" (me) finally got smart and removed myself from the mess. The ATM here was shut down years ago. While they struggled, they all seem to have "gotten it together" to some degree.
I've learned I'm dealing with abnormal people and have set appropriate boundaries. While we are starting a bit of intergration, I'm walking confident and only allowing them "in" to the degree I want. No more walking on eggshells for me....maybe them but not me. Personally, I'm getting too old for this mess. Life brings enough troubles; I don't need extra. So, be nice, be respectful and we can all manage a few hours together. Maybe...LOL
?
If I may, I would like to learn about your decision to integrate. I am so curious as to what would cause your change of mind? Maybe all the nonsense is too fresh (and ongoing) but I can not fathom that I would ever change my mind. Please tell me more, thank you!
Several Reasons
First, and most important to me....personal health. During my 3 year journey back to optimal emotional health, I learned that bitterness and anger only affect ME. Those two things are extremely detrimental to every aspect of my health. Today, I choose to walk in peace, mercy and grace. I've learned to quckly set soft boundaries when I see behaviors that are unsettling to me. Most people are genuinely good and we all make mistakes. Sometimes, it takes us time to self-correct. So, I will always invest in my relationships but with open eyes and reality in mind. In other words, never again will I tolerate bad behaviors that impact me for too long and especially not TWELVE YEARS! (as I did with SKs).
Second is my DH. We are both aging but he's 7 years older than me. While we travel well together, the last time he traveled alone to see his kids, there were multiple incidents that made me realize this can't happen much longer. Just as I love my bio kids, he loves his kids and his grandkids. I want him to see them. I am open to "civil but superficial" interactions with DHs kids as long as everyone stays respectful. I think that can be accomplished. Why? Several things. Six years of zero contact and me being vocal on MY expectations has at least two of DHs kids behaving better. They lost their mom 4 years ago, so only one parent left. They want their kids to know their grandfather. I am now strong enough to stand against toxic behaviors in a respectful way and walk away when it's not working. And that's the key...walk away if it goes bad. Everyone is on notice. LOL
I typically say "best to you" at the end of my comments. Today, I say "best to me."
Yes!
Best to you! Like Mia said, applause!!! It is amazing that you are in a good place!
I aspire to this, but the nonsense never ends. I can see that next to no contact has been good for DH too; he was exhausted after 20+ years of OSD's crap that he had been dealing with alone. We both hope that someday it will be different; however I am more realistic than he is.
I understand that what you have done is for you...releasing all the yuck. I am curious though, did SKIDS ever try to make things right? Any apologies?
Nothing of Substance
I recieved a letter from one of DHs son's. I learned DH pressured him to send it. I took to my therapist. It was filled with projection, deflection, and saying I misunderstood, yada yada yada. Nothing from the others. And in reality, I do not need apologies from any of DHs kids. All I want is to be treated respectfully when they are in my space.
Oh hell no. The spawn need
Oh hell no. The spawn need the balls to have the conversation F2F. Opening that letter and seing what it was I like to think that I would have shit canned it before finishing the first paragraph then told my SO to tell their kid to grow a pair and have the talk with me directly.
***Applause***
***Applause***
I feel you completely in
@ CajunMom..I feel you completely in having less and less tolerance for all this drama the older I get and from the people who just thrive on it as if they just cant live without it. But I can easily do so. There is enough stressful stuff going on in this life without some troubled, stunted SKIDmarks adding more into the mix. I cant say that I have regrets over My choice to distance myself from all of that as much as humanly possible.
I am going to tell you this right here. I feel my life has gotten so much Less stressful when I stopped running around helping such low quality people who werent helping themselves. That shit was driving me crazy and draining the Life out of me. You get tired of sacrificing your time and peace for people that didnt even want to make consistent efforts to do better. Especially with ungrateful SKIDS, all they do is complain and rely on someone else.. ( like Me suddenly) So, as you can guess, when I couldnt come through for her, she would treat and talk to me like Shit as I wasnt one of those other people who didnt try to step up and help her handle her business for a time. And as if she wasnt the one who had rejected my efforts. So I stopped doing for her.
From that point forward, I decided Im not bending my back over. Thats the boundary. Hell No. unless I am matching Effort. I would rather save my energy helping someone is actually is actively trying to do better. If they are doing the work,then I am going to give them what I got and help them out in any way that I can. But if they arent willing to put in that effort, then I wont either! These entitled, "grown" skids will never learn if someone is always carrying them. Its just a losing situation in the end.
I have reached my "this isnt worth my energy" stage and I've never felt better.
I'm right there too @little
I'm right there too @little amy type. See them for who they are & no more energy that direction.
SK are hurt or hurting
Be cause someone has broken there Happy Family. In there mind if there was no divorce l, thing would ge great. Ice cream ecvery night. Trios to Disney every year. Electronic ..IPhones. Switch up the a$$. But now because of break up. Parents finding new SO. Switching homes
'Making money tight . SO Giving grief about living in a budget CS cutting into the bugget.
'The great time is over. All they have to do is hurt the SO so there parents will get back to together and have a remarriage at Disney World. '
You will never win.
Perfect synopsis!
Perfect synopsis!
SAY IT!!!!!!
Something that we all tend to do is fail to remember that our own SOs are responsible at least in part for all of the crap. They are not blameless and sometimes they are highly responsible for the crap.
I get that failed family progeny are CODs and they think that they are hurt. Even if they are hurt and upset by mommy and daddy moving on from each other, they do not have the right to hurt others. Pain that is a symptom of life events and not targeted malice to actually cause them pain is bullshit and it is the hurt fee fee little failed family kidlets (regardless of age) that are willfully trying to cause others pain with malice.
Ignoring the crap fixes nothing. So .... SAY IT!!! Call them all out instantly when they pull their crap.
Make their presence in your life contingent on them knocking their crap off. The only way to ensure that happens is to keep the spotlight on the crap and forcing them to either scurry for the dark corners like cockroaches do when a light is thrown on in a dark roach filled room or they fix their crap. Tolerate nothing less than them being gone or behaving reasonably.
Your goal has to be living your best life and tolerate nothing that detracts from that.
Yes…
...our SO definitely plays a part when they allow bad behavior and do not take a stand against it.
I have learned that DH often learns indirectly, Yesterday we were discussing 'Disney Dads' and how this can contribute to spoiled rotten kids, and dysfunctional rotten adults. He brought up OSD.... Thank goodness, I think he's got it!