Noticed alot of discussion around struggling with any meddling relatives  or anyone's assumptions about what the role of SM is "supposed to be."  Especially to those who have chosen the disengagment route. 

Do you ( still)  struggle with worrying about how you are perceived by anyone on DH's side over your decision? or OVer your feelings about your stepspawns?  

Does anyone sometimes feel some anxiety , say in my case, in spending a  lot of excessive time with my MIL, fearing that it will turn into an opportunity to feel pressure to engage and bond with the SD and her minions?  Granted, she doesnt outwardly pressure me, but I know that it would make her thrilled if  SD and I become "close" ( even though I am no longer interested in going back there and I dont want to keep feeling like I shoud be so guilty for letting MIL or anyone down ) so that signals to me that the expectation has to still be there. Like some sliver of hope is still being clinged onto. 

Does anyone else, like me, feel that this is the primary reason why I have found it difficult at times to be a part of and blend with this familY? Dont get me wrong. I get alone fine with DH's side, just not when it comes to SD. That is the common demoninator for sure. 

The reason why I  bring this up is that while reading other blogs and comments about withstanding others opinions, namely the In Laws.. jogged up a memory that still resonates with me today. Its also serving as a reminder to take these opinions with a grain of salt. if that.  It still irks me, which is a feeling I need to keep filed away whenever I even feel like Im slipping even a tiny built into that old guilt and shame spiral surrounding my disengagement. 

I remember the night my MIL announced to me that SD ( 16 at the time, had stopped going to school before then,etc) had deliberately gotten herself pregnant. MIL straight up told me that her and FIL didnt really want to tell anyone the news just because "she didnt want to deal with anyone's opinions" about the matter. What was that even supposed to mean? That will never make much sense to me. Surely, she understood that this is a situation that is impossible to keep secret forever. Nor is it reasonable to kid yourself in thinking that no one else was ever going to find out or have their thoughts about it. 

It was at that moment that this clicked with me; Think about it. Why should I twist myself in knots worrying about any opinions my MIL has about my relationship with SD, when there was a time when she wasnt so receptive to accepting my own  views and feelings as if I werent allowed to have them ( unless they  was favorable of course) . Right then and there, I decided that MIL's opinions about how invested I am ( or not( in my role as a SM shouldnt carry so much weight and arent relevent to me anymore. I still stand on that today.  Sorry, but that shit can work both ways. If You dont want hear my opinion about it, then I no longer am interested in dealing with hers either. 

Why should I stress worrying about what she or anyone else might think? This is huge for me since I used to be a major people pleaser. Just worrying about what his family might think  because I wasnt running around doing this and than, and XYZ for SD and her kids or not doing whatever else I should be. Just putting MY feelings on the backburner to try to prove I deserved to be in their good graces.  I just dont have the bandwith for that anymore, so I am fine with continuing to disappoint. They can take their opinions and shove it where the sun dont shine. 

Speaking of which, I am Just applying the old saying about how Opinions are lik Assholes. Everyone has one but then doesnt mean I want to see or hear it.