SD cant let it go
I normally don't read DH's texts, but his phone went off while he was mowing the lawn. I rarely pay attention, but thought it was it might have been an emergency about my MIL or somethig urgent. I happened to see it was a text from SD29 still begging how she wishes Amy would "grow with her" and feel differently about her. This was from the same person who begged me to get close and move forward...only to end up blocking me Mid conversation on FB ( im still blocked( once I clearly said that i have no issue being polite and civiil, but was uncomfortable going any further. It was too much to hope that she would get the message. Honestly, she is scaring me a bit sicne she has been acting like an ex BF or GF who you broke up with for a reason, but they still wont let it go. She is still suddenly acting like I am not supposed to live without her. Lets not talk about she has rejected me and ignore me for years and now I owe her. She is acting like its some kind of obsession now and I dont feel good about it at all. Its making me more determined to keep my distance and protect my boundaries, She just wont accept them.
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has he mentioned her ongoing
has he mentioned her ongoing issue to you at all?
this sopunds like a her issue not a you issue. if he hasn't mentioned that she's still singing her same old song, then he doesn't think it's in any way important.
He honestly hasnt. That's
He honestly hasnt. That's because I kept the last exchange on FB between me and SD to myself. I kept him out of it for the last few months. Until I couldnt . I didnt mean to snoop, but since our last blow up, I had this urge to keep my ear to the ground. Not that I expected much, but something in me wanted to confirm whether anything got through to her , I just dont get it. She basically deflected, attacked my character and threw a virtual tantrum when I set a boundary over her behavior. She didnt want to hear anything I had to say, cut off contact...and now STILL wonders why I wont "grow" with her practically as if nothing ever happened. Its maddening. Personally, I think that she really has no business or right to still push these requirements on me, or any, after all this.
I don't understand why two
I don't understand why two adults are having conversations on facebook.. even if it was private messenger.. get on the phone.. meet in person.. too many opportunities for miscommunication if you are basically texting.
I would ignore.. she may be trying to look good for dad.. "i am trying dad.. she won't"
That confirms the suspicions
That confirms the suspicions I have held. I really do think thats exactly whats happening. I really do feel like by saying she wants to extend her olive branch and "move forward", I was placed in the Hot Seat. So now I have been in the postion where I am the villian for not wanting to accept it. I actually find it insulting that she still acts like I owe that to her after everything else that went down. Its like she staked this claim on me once she decided that there are these expections and versions of me she expects me to fulfill. Not to my knowledge for the most part. Its seriously making me that much more uncomfortable. She admitted that she has rejected me plenty of times ( which is true) and HAD to accept and tolerate that Daddyyyyy wasnt going to leave me.Yet, she acts like I should have been sitting around twiddling my thumbs all this time desperately chomping at the bit for her to come around. I feel its not fair to expect this much from me at this point yet she also claims that she doesnt want nothing from me at the same time. I never know which end is up and I am so sick and tired of her demanding and thinking she can have everything both ways. Cant have your cake and eat it too in the real world. I am still making my own wish ( even though that hope is really hanging by a thread) that the fact that she so much mentioned that she had rejected me initially MIGHT indicate that she maybe has taken some kind of hint that she finally needs to adjust her expectations and move on with her life . . But one can never be sure which is so frustrating.
Little Type Amy - it's real
Little Type Amy - it's real simple she showed you who she IS time and time again. Don't believe the words just go underground. She wants to play nice guy in front of DH and victim to cold cruel stepmom - FINE, give it ALL the air you want on these blogs but in your personal life give it NO air. I have also faced constant rejection and I know that at least one SKID doesn't like me but...he LOVES to play the victim in front of daddyyy...as a grown SKID man who's actions don't align with his words I've heard him say "BUT why doesn't ImperfectlyPerfect come to the dinner?" ...well probably because you refuse eye contact with her, whine about everything she does, criticize her openly, and act like a victim all the time ...maybe imperfectlyperfect gave you a SOLID 10+ years to get your act together, sacrificed on your behalf and worked very hard to give you a good life and it's been a raw deal ever since. Why in the HECK would any of us change our disengagement strategy when there's no sign of real change and we don't think you are capable of it? Keep being disengaged my friend, this is all a SHOW.
Got to love the old Flip the Script.
Got to love the old flip the script. . SD always got to do whatever the hell she wanted or go no contact for years or treat me like I didnt matter for the better part of a decade, After all that, its like Gee Why doesnt Amy like me? Its not so much a matter of disliking her...but I just dont trust her. This whole playing the Victim and Guilt Tripping is the main reason. All I want is for her leave me alone like she "threatened" to do a few months back claiming that She " didnt care" anymore. Another lie since. I was really trying to be hopeful that she would made good on that and hasnt respected my wishes to let it slide. The difference now is that she is trying t go through DH whom I told her to leave out of this since I try my best not to put him in the middle, which I felt was unwarranted inttially, It would have stayed that way if I hadnt gotten the indication that she is Still pushing me.I wonder if thats her way of trying to convince Daddyyy into trying to Convince ME to change my mind and feelings about her. Fat Chance! She really needs to give it up. .And I still feel like it might very well be puttin g on a show to impress Daddyyyy. Why would she text that to DH instead of finding a way to reach out to me, which she has so she knows how to make that happen...( although its happened very very rarely ) if she really wanted to keep trying to reconnect.. And why does she insisit on keeping me Blocked of FB too if she really wants this whole growth thing..but cut off that communication too indefinitely. How does that make sense??? Nothing ever adds up with her and Im so tired of it
The other major thing that I am so beyond sick and tired off is that I have been Never been actually ASKED by SD about what I wanted or how I felt about anything. Instead, it feels like I am being TOLD and Volunteered as to what to do and feel. That doesnt sit right with me at all from someone. I dont care who it is and how much they try to say they mean well. Yet they still cant figure out why.
Yep. It's a one sided deal.
Yep. It's a one sided deal. Once you finally realize this and they are adults every stepparent pulls back and realizes this is a raw deal and it's NOT going to be fair. She doesn't care about your feelings -that's precisely WHY you have never been ASKED how you feel or what you want. The reason she hasn't blocked you off FB but then tells you and her daddy that she wants to "repair the bridge with stepmom" is an act to be a victim and is not genuine. Frankly, she did you a favor blocking you on FB - let that remain! Trust me all she'll do is look at your FB and find reasons to be hurt or find trouble. There's no reason you want her on your FB - peering around, stalking the sight and using it as ammo. Lay low friend, this will change and you know it- she's behaved long enough to show you that she does not and will not treat you right. Be firm, remain calm and respectful but view her through the looking glass.
Trust me..I'm not offended in
Trust me..I'm not offended in the least if I'm still blocked. I don't think that would stop her from creating a new FB to use to show up to bother me with..its happened. Or to use to still lurk around with. Or watching her dad's page. Even if I were to waste too much time seeing if she made the same comments on there like in her texts to him groveling to get back in my good graces...the fb remarks wouldn't be visible to me.as long as I'm blocked. My SD might not be too bright if she were to blab about me.since some of my closest friends who are mutual friends with DH..not SD..my friends aren't either overly fond of or indifferent. So.its not Like they wouldn't be able to view what she posts if they happened to catch something through DHs page by chance. Something is bound to find its way back to me somehow. Its going to probably happen because she just cant help it since its like she can't help making herself relevant even when inappropriate.
This is just an idea, not
This is just an idea, not something you should do but give it thought.
The next time he/she brings this issue up trying saying something like this:
I've tried too many times and been attacked in return. I'm too old for jr high frenemy games. I don't care any longer if your daughter likes me or doesn't, I'm tired of guessing which face she's showing today or which we'll seen in a week. I'm comfortable being a polite stranger w/ her. I have no animosity towards her, the past is over and I'm no longer living in it. I'm good w/ the way things are. Not everyone will enjoy my company or me theirs. And that's good. I love you. That's the only thing that matters. I think it's important for you to have a healthy relationship w/ your child. I do not need one. Polite strangers who both love you works for me. It's unhealthy to live in the past and I am no longer doing that.
Then change the subject.
And when he brings it up again or she rears her nasty head, calmly tell them "the past is over. let's focus on each of us living our lives now"
Believe me, I have clearly
Believe me, I have clearly made statements along those lines many times! I know DH has gotten the message loud and clear and not pressuring me. Im sure he wishes things were different. But lets be real here. Considering that SD had a history of emotional interpesronal problems since she was a little kid....years before I came along , She and DH themselves didnt have the easiest relationship and al this other drama Im sure I only know that half of ( if that), has already went down...once again..all this had already been set in motion, went on before me and wouuld continue even if I never arrived into the picture. DId DH seriously think that Anyone he got involved with would just magically get along with Her? At least for always? He had to know this was all inevitable and that is it unrealistic to go back to start over. Right now, its a matter of SD not getting the memo, ITs not like she doesnt grasp anything , its just that she refuses to face reality. That is not my problem, and dont want it to be anymore. I cant keep going on feeling this false guilt over people who dont know how to read the room so to speak and know when leave people where they are!
She wants you to "grow with
She wants you to "grow with her?" Barf. You are much too far ahead of her to grow together. Your DH needs to worry about you guys as a couple growing together. This adult woman needs to grow up and get a life of her own. It's creepy how she is hyper focusing on you. Don't entertain her BS.
Yeah...your light years ahead
Yeah...you're light years ahead of her, don't let her claw you back into the bowels of her underworld. Stay above it all.
I wholeheartedly agree. If I
I wholeheartedly agree. If I am being honest here, I was light years ahead of the better part of a decade ago! Her BS is almost as laughable now as much as it is annoying. I wil say that is she were as evolved as she tries to make herself out to be, she would know that ones personal growth journey is on HER. The irony is that someone who is fully committed to their Growth wouldnt be so dependent on someone else holding their hand with them through it all. SHe would see that no one else is obligated to wait around or stoop back down to her level. Especially those, like myself, who has never felt like I was on her level and Im really not. Being as codependent as she is for others to take ownership of her Growth is only setting herself to just stay stuck and just stunted in her life.
"Oh my dear, I finished
"Oh my dear, I finished growing into a decent person many years ago so I can't help you there. Have you tried therapy?"
I would LOVE to say that even
I would LOVE to say that even if I know thats only going to trigger her into telling on herself. Well, not that like would be the first time. Listening to other peoples concerns and feelings arent a sincere concern for her unless its on her terms. Thats a surefire way to send her off the deep end like before, trying to make me feel bad saying I hurt her and "made her feel physically ill", going into the woe is me, life and this world is so cruel...all that kind of Tirade. She acts like that and wants me to grow with her???? Its insane.
I Know I wouldnt be the only
I Know I wouldnt be the only one to think that its downright creepy and unsettling to boot. I am not going to lie I wanted to literally Barf and still do when I think about the growth thing. I almost did puke. I really do feel ill with the anxiety and the frustration. I don't like it one bit .and all I want is for her to leave me the hell alone at this point. I tried to be nice about it but I just cant pretend any more.
SD is all about looking good for her BF
She can say anything and you are supposed to drop everything and disregard the disrespect. And kiss her a$$. Just NO. SD must earn your respect back. By taking years to do it. About remember your birthday, Mother's Day ect. Doing nice things for you and your family. Talking to you with out cutting you off. Impossible, give her enough rope to hand herself.
SD must earn your respect it's not a one phone call thing. We will see in two years
Honestly, I have reached the
Honestly, I have reached the point where I dont even care how much she "tries" so I like the idea of giving her enough rope and letting her deal with the consequences. Maybe she might learn that NO one on this earth is forced to sit around waiting for her to decide whether or not she wants to Build or "Grow" Anything ! Then be upset when that opportunity isnt open for her after a time. Thats what I have been trying to teach her. ,since Some things there arent any coming back from. She has to know that she is just embarrassing herself at this point by coming across as so desperate.
As the SM of a phony
As the SM of a phony manipulative SD who hates me but is still desperate for Daddy's love, attention, and money, I've seen similar (but not to this extreme) behavior. It's SD manipulation, wanting to appear innocent--not the problem person--to daddyyyyyy. If their manipulation can drive a wedge between Daddy and evil SM, so much the better.
I know it can be maddening for many reasons, but as long as this isn't creating problems between you and DH, find peace in knowing what you know in your heart: She's FOS.
It's such a shame (and rather sick) when SDs feel they are in competition with SMs.
Trust me, I only get more
Trust me, I only get more reasons after all this time to feel like she is still FOS in some way or another. I dont know about anyone else, but if I were to extend an Olive Branch to someone who respectfully declined my offer, I certainly would not keep offering up another one and would accept the others person's choice with at least some shred of dignity instead of trying to keep shoving it at them and begging them to accept it. Thats one of the things that adds to my mistrust. Thats because there is supposed to be a reason that you feel wary of someone being nice to you since you feel that they might have an ulterior motive. YOu know when there are strings attached. When they get mad becasuse you are saying no to their nicess, well thats because it wasnt authentic kindness. Just manipulation trying to take on a more pleasing form.
You give SD too much mind space
Disengagement, as who cares? Let DH Spin his wheels... you were disrespected by SD for the last time. Words don't cut it anymore. Maybe. Again MAYBE after a few years of Mothers days cards, Birthday cards. Happy holidays ect And she shows you the respect that you deserve. You will try to get along. As go out to dinner. Not her moving in. This what DH wants are this how you will bend. Because if was up to you. It will be SD who ?
You are right, Harry ( i
You are right, Harry ( i have been MIA for a bit, out of town on a much needed vacation to replenish). I honestly would rather not get too involved or let her take up too much space as much as possible. I try. But it still just bothers me, ( and this is one of many last straws) is when someone like SD still feels like she has the right to try to tell ME how to heal and Grow or how I should respond to Her disrespect. She doesnt get to do that and it doesnt work like that. Sorry! That has got to be one of the most toxic and manipulative things someone can do quite frankly.
Farmers know how to fix this.
Farmers know how to fix this. Livestock that does not recognize boundaries get a bit of sizzle from bumping into an electric fense.
So, bring the pain. When she oversteps, flip the sizzle switch and send her scurrying with her tail between her legs reminding her where the boundaries are.
Keep her in her place, make it simple. Tolerate no bullshit. Remind her daddy that she is beyond any level of trust and will not have a place her your life.
Take care of you.