Manipulation Wrapped in a Bow
Sharing some insight while researching for myself. MY SD30 has shown some of these per my experience with her, ,,even though she is more a covert narcissist, Some of the signs are there, I thought this might also apply to some of your SKIDS and BM's especially since its Christmas.. To be clear my SD hasnt given me a gift in years, IF she did, these signs would apply. These same indications are likely to come out if I had gone out of my way to give her one..not just for Christmas, ,,but has occured if I ever showed her one crumb of kindness...
Narcissists are adept at using seemingly benign gestures to exert control and manipulate those around them. One such method is through the giving of gifts. These gifts, far from being expressions of genuine affection or generosity, are often tools of manipulation designed to entrap the recipient in a web of obligation, guilt, and dependency
At the heart of the narcissist’s gift-giving is a desire to control and manipulate. When a narcissist gives a gift, it often comes with an implicit expectation of compliance and gratitude.This expectation creates a power dynamic where the recipient feels indebted
By giving a gift, they establish a subtle yet powerful sense of obligation. The recipient may feel compelled to return the favour in some way, whether by providing emotional support, performing favours, or simply refraining from criticising the narcissist. This dynamic ensures that the narcissist remains in a dominant position, with the gift serving as a constant reminder of the recipient’s indebtedness.
One of the hallmark traits of narcissistic gift-giving is the imposition of unreasonable expectations. Narcissists often give gifts with the expectation that the recipient will respond with disproportionate gratitude and loyalty.
The gift often comes with the unspoken expectation of a reciprocal favour, which may be disproportionate to the value of the gift. This favour could be anything from unwavering emotional support to tangible acts of service.
Behavioural Compliance: The gift can be a means to ensure the recipient’s compliance with the narcissist’s demands or expectations. By accepting the gift, the recipient is subtly coerced into behaving in ways that align with the narcissist’s desires.
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Narcs During the Holidays
You wrote:
Narcissists are adept at using seemingly benign gestures to exert control and manipulate those around them. One such method is through the giving of gifts. These gifts, far from being expressions of genuine affection or generosity, are often tools of manipulation designed to entrap the recipient in a web of obligation, guilt, and dependency.
At the heart of the narcissist’s gift-giving is a desire to control and manipulate. When a narcissist gives a gift, it often comes with an implicit expectation of compliance and gratitude.This expectation creates a power dynamic where the recipient feels indebted
By giving a gift, they establish a subtle yet powerful sense of obligation. The recipient may feel compelled to return the favour in some way, whether by providing emotional support, performing favours, or simply refraining from criticising the narcissist. This dynamic ensures that the narcissist remains in a dominant position, with the gift serving as a constant reminder of the recipient’s indebtedness.
Absolutely true!
Last year, a week before Christmas, my MIL called to inform me she wasn’t sending any Christmas money because we hadn’t visited her "on time." I calmly said, “Okay, no problem.” Apparently, that wasn’t the reaction she expected because she got angry and hung up.
Fast forward to a few days ago—she calls again, launching into the same tired spiel. This time, however, she’s absolutely livid that we’re not chasing after the Ingrates, who (quite understandably) have chosen to have no contact with her abrasive self.
It’s classic MIL theatrics: inventing a “noble cause”—in this case, “Rescuing her toxic Grandbabies.” And, of course, it wouldn’t be a proper performance without her trying to set up a textbook Karpman Drama Triangle, casting herself as the selfless Rescuer while attempting to corner me or my husband into playing the Persecutor all because we aren't chasing after them to rescue them from their egg donor, and, of course, her precious Grandbabies are the poor whittle, Victims. MIL believes that OSD-20.5 and YSD-17.5 have no free will their own and that their BM has not only brainwashed them against all of us but performed lobotomies on them; hence, they can't think for themselves, therefore the reason they are PASed out. Spoiler alert: Read Dr. Childress' Attachment Style Parental Alienation and attend about...oh...six years of studying the topic of Parental Alienation, MIL, before you blame DH and me for the actions of your sweet and innocent, whittle grandbabies.
One thing I’ve come to realize about toxic people is their complete disregard for boundaries. They cling to the outdated belief that “blood is thicker than water,” as if that gives them an open invitation to trample over someone else’s choice to go no-contact, like in the skids’ case.
Take my MIL, for example. She’s furious because the skids are ‘PASed out’ (and honestly, thank the Universe for that small mercy). Yet, she still believes she can drag them back into the fold by calling them up and delivering one of her infamous lectures.
She decided not to give my husband or me X-mas money because her precious grandbabies aren’t here to gift grift. She knows precisely how the skids treated their father—terribly, to put it mildly—yet, she still chases after them like a moth to a flame. If I were in MIL’s shoes and my grandbabies treated my son the way these toxic skids treated their father, the conversation would be short and direct:
“Listen, toxic grandbabies, I love my son far more than I love you. If you can’t treat him with the respect he deserves, especially considering you’ve chosen to have no relationship with him, then I’m done. You’re disowned. Family loyalty starts with respecting the people who gave your life, not trampling all over them.”
But, of course, MIL won’t take that stance. Instead, she keeps playing the martyr, prioritizing 'keeping them in the fold at all costs over her son’s dignity. It’s infuriating to watch. I have no respect for this woman.
Thanks for reading!
Little Type Amy, this is a good post!
Your MIL
Your MIL has that "big happy family" fantasy big time.
One thing I’ve come to
One thing I’ve come to realize about toxic people is their complete disregard for boundaries. They cling to the outdated belief that “blood is thicker than water,” as if that gives them an open invitation to trample over someone else’s choice to go no-contact, like in the skids’ case.
Thankfully, recently my MIL hasnt been pushing the envelope with the whole "Family" card enclosed, at least not to me or to my face, about any hopes she might have about me and my SD30 reconcilling But that doesnt mean that , I was never met with that whole "you dont turn back on Family".with regards to SD...that whole appealing to duty speel, which is also manipulation also in nice package to me too. It just tells me that its expected to not have any boundaries with someone just because they are relatives.:ike its some kind of unspeakable Taboo if you do.
This might be going off a small tangent, but this is something that i remembered. Basically, long before I came along so, there was this ongoing feud and complete falling out with my FIL's sister and with my MIL..all stopped speaking to each long ago so zero contact for years. Seems like they never really got along. Same with DH for his part. Not saying there wasnt a good reason but still no reason for me to get involved. My point is that, I'd only dare to even mention this family feud if anyone should try to force a relationship with SD30 from here on out. I can use that as ammunition if I had to. Ask MIL if she has spoken to her Sister In law lately and see how that goes. I mean, my MIL and SIL are no more Biologically related to each other than SD is to me, yet still share a last name, MIL married His Sister so they are "family" too, right? What of that??? Shouldnt they instantly kiss and make up, sweep it all under the rug ..especially now that its Christmasssss or what have you. Basically, just throw back all that Happy Family rhetoric that gets dumped on Stepparents all the time, I promise you..that woud not go over very well with MIL or DH too, so what makes them think I am ok with forced togetherness with SD, after all, I have my reasons too!
Mainly, dealing with this same BS from the SD vantage point. SD is of that same narcissitic mindset that tells me she is one of those types who LOVE to say that they value Honesty and Loyalty...until you actually are Honest , especially when your honesty doesnt comply with their narrative. Then Just Like That, they no longer respect or value those concepts. I cant help but wonder how much of a truly Honest relationship SD and these people, like your MIL too really want. I
Its like they would rather have Emotional cheerleaders who always give them the Right, tell them only what they want to hear to conform to their desires. Its like they want Blind Loyalty and Unconditonal acceptance no matter what they do as long as You dont question anything. But watch out if you dare to disagree with them or go against their wishes in any way. They act like in their eyes, its the ultimate betrayal if you deviate from their expectations and it never goes unpunsished, So it no wonder your MIL hung up on you and reacted the way they did making you out to be the bad guy, since my SD followed the same behavior. Because I wasnt rushing to give them all this unconditional "love" to which they feel entitled , so resorts to getting into a tantrum...its a classic case. .
ETA...I can understand why my
ETA...I can understand why my MIL might still hold onto some sliver of hope with me and her precious poor Grandchild, Because of the tensions and fallout with her sister in law..she might prefer not to have another one within the family to worry about. I can see that but ..still that would be seen as being manipulative too. I might very well be reading too much into it, but think about it. Wouldnt it be unreasonable to put expectations like that one me over a situation that has or ever will have a damn thing to do with me,,,just so people like MIL and SD can be comfortable ? That seems to be the Motto thats expected in StepMom world...just taking on the results and fallout from circumstances that we had no part in creating and I am sick sick sick of it.
Its also wise to remember
Its also wise to remember that at the end of the day, with these narc types is that they have this vast emotional emptiness..a void..that will never be satisfied no matter what you do or what you choose not to do. Its never enough for people as unhappy as they are. Yet they still think that we are the one who are supposed to "fix" them, make them normal or suit whatever delusions they have. Its unrealistic and a huge burden to put on anyone, which is unfair and exhausting. Yet, the narcs still expect it, which is why when things dont turn out the way they hoped, they blame you instead of looking withih themselves and how they could do better. Thats what they do..project their problems and shortcomings, and expectations on YOU and try to make you responsible to fix it all and will be punished when you dont.
Ye Olde MIL
Trying to get the PASed out skids back with biodad. Extremely irritating. Mr. Not So Neutral does this all.the.time.
My MIL is fully aware of the
My MIL is fully aware of the extent of the skids’ shenanigans, and while she doesn’t like it, she still insists that DH and I kowtow to her precious little grandbabies. DH refuses, of course, but MIL keeps pushing. When she chases after the Ingrates and inevitably crosses BM’s boundaries, BM “disciplines” her. BM will not let anyone 'parent' her offspring, not DH, so I don't know where MIL thought she was 'special.' Cue MIL playing the Victim and running to us for Rescue.
I can’t muster any sympathy for her because she hasn’t learned what every stepparent eventually has to accept: you can’t care more than the biological parents do. Everyone on DH's side of the family has told MIL not to chase the Ingrates. But MIL keeps doubling down, ignoring all logic and reason. She’s like that reckless young woman everyone warns not to go into a dark alley alone at night. Not only does she go, but she practically invites disaster by strutting in wearing the sleaziest tank top, the shortest miniskirt imaginable, and sky-high pumps. And when things inevitably go south, she screams bloody murder, yelling “Rape!” and ranting as though her bad actions that caused her dire consequences weren’t glaringly obvious from the start.
I could not imagine having to
I could not imagine having to deal with BOTH a MIL AND a DH who thought LI farts rainbows. I think that would be the end for me.
Meaning no disrespect, but in
Meaning no disrespect, but in that context alone, I'd consider yourself Lucky. I woudnt be shocked if MIL really did think SD farted Rainbows, sunshine and Unicorns..cause shes sooo special ( Barf...she is all right ..lol)
1000% yes. My SD uses gift
1000% yes. My SD uses gift giving as a means of control and adoration. She does give nice gifts, but then expects over-the-top praise. And expects her father to consult with her (at best) or jump to her commands for every gift he gives someone. She was given the role of "Christmas gift fairy" as a young child and there is no room for anyone else. It really is a sickness.
Holidays are peaceful now that she is punishing him with estrangement.
I AM still ( hopefully)
I AM still ( hopefully) getting "punished" with estrangement from SD too...with Christmas having no affect on changing that since that means I get to have a peaceful skid free holiday....best gift I can ask for honestly.
I actually feel apprehensive over the possibilty that she will use a gift or try some other "attempt: to make amends. After her latest outburst with me ( acting like Toasters MIL in her comment) , then if she were do so, then I really will view her gesture as being phony after she hung up ( blocked on FB...same concept) after yelling at me in Text "IDC IDC!! anymore!) . I dont think she realizes thats the position she put herself into as far as my views of her are concenred, so she just dug herself more into a hole there.