Question to step parents with adult step kids

Forums:

I just wanted to ask those whith adullt step kids with develoopmental disabilites, have any of you successfully brought up the question of when it is a good time to place them in a group home. My ss is 21 and I tried bringing it up really carefully but got shot down by my SO. I also thought I would wiat 5 years to see what happens as hopefully by then his BM will start burning out and will bring it up. When I first met my husband 10 years ago I never raised the issue, but that has really started to become an issue when my ss turned 21 and I am kicking myself for not really talking about it until now. My SO said well you should have known what you were going into. I just don't want my SS parents to keep waiting and waiting years, because I know it's going to tear us apart. I feel powerless. I am hoping my SO will pick up on just how unhappy I am about the future with the three of us joined at the hip. Things have gotten to a point where I have to sit as far as possible from my SS as he is constantly talking to himself really loud. I also avoid talking to him as much as possible to preserve my mental health

when it is a good time to

when it is a good time to place them in a group home.

No job, needs more help than most average adults can provide, and 18

Not sure how you're going to do this with your SO not in agreement

Hi Lillywy, I agree, I can't

Hi Lillywy, I agree, I can't do this by myself. Just feeling sorry for myself and a fool

Is your SO still sleeping with his son?

Is your SO still sleeping with his son? Because until that stops, I don't see your SO as ready for his son to move out, let alone they young man himself.

Hi Notsurewhow to deal,

Yes he is one night a week, down from 2. I have started saying to SS that you're a big boy, you're an adult. Big boys sleep by themselves,

It sounds like it's the dad

It sounds like it's the dad who "needs" it. If the man can sleep by himself 6 days a week, he can do it 7. This is your husband keeping this going due to some deep seated need.

I have a severely disabled 23 yo sd.

I care for her almost solely. Although we have never and never intend to put her in a home, there is a program that is available in every state called IHSS which is intended to keep people out of institutions. It's more cost effective for the state as well. I happen to live in a state where they allow the parents to be the caregiver but not every state allows this. Either way, they will pay for caregivers to care for him. I would highly suggest looking into it if you haven't already. My sd is deaf but she is very loud so I understand what you mean but I do a shhh signal with my finger and she knows to quiet down a bit. I'm not sure how helpful this is, but feel free to message me if you have any questions.

Thanks Justdad's wife. You're

Thanks Justdad's wife. You're a lot better than me. I cannot do it. Well they do have Life Share here in Canada where caregivers are paid to look after them in their own home, and they also have group residential homes. We are getting older and his parents need to start talking about it at the very least. Thanks for reaching out. I have tried shushing him politely as well but he goes back to talking loudly five minutes later. I do not have the energy to keep on top of him

SS is 21. What does he do all

SS is 21. What does he do all day? Is he still in school? Is he participating in some type of work program? What does DH think will happen to SS if something happens to him (and you)?

Hi notarelative, He goes to

Hi notarelative, He goes to his day program 4 days a week, then he is home with either his dad or his mum every other monday. He cannot work. DH is in denial mode. I don't know what else to do but wait for some years to pass

I have a daughter who has

I have a daughter who has Down Syndrome. She moved into a group home about 6 months ago when she was 20 (she's now 21) and she absolutely loves it! Why does youir SO persist in wanting to keep him joined at the hip? What kind of a life would that be for his son? Stuck with parents all the time? No independence, no friends, no activities... What a sad existence that would be.

My daughter is thriving in her new home - she has friends, there are lots of things for her to do, plenty of activities are organized and she is getting a slight taste of the working world. We still her for holidays and once a week when we take her to her speech therapy. I am very happy for her and feel that we have all been very fortunate to have found this place.

My advice is to do a bit of research, find out what is available in your area and then present it to your SO as a list of positive things these places can do for your SS and a list of reasons why him being stuck at home with you is absolutely not good for his development.

If all else fails, ask him what will happen to his son when you two are no longer there and don't accept the answer "oh, somebody in the family will surely take him in" because that is not fair on the rest of the family nor is it necessarily true. FWIW, my daughter also has a twin sister, a standard model, and the last thing I want is for her to feel that she is her sister's keeper. She has her own life to live. Her sister is our responsibility and always will be.

Thank you Winterglow, your

Thank you Winterglow, your answer has given me a lot of hope. You're right, I would never expect my SS's younger sister to step up. They both desersve full lives

Thank you.

I cannot imagine wanting to deprive my daughter of living her life. She deserves to live life to the full. Ask your husband why he wants to deprive his son of living his best life. Seems so cruel and unloving to me.

You're on the right track for you AND for your SS.

Another thing

Where I live, the recommended age for starting in a group home is 18. However, due to the general scarcity of places, it's highly recommended to start looking two to three years before that. Yes, there are not nearly enough places.

Frankly, I think youre husband is in dire need of counselling to come to terms with why he thinks it's a good idea to hide his son away from the rest of the world. THe kid's lack of progress might even be partially due to his father's treatment. Has he ever attended school? If so, how did that go?

Thanks WInterglow. Sorry I

Thanks WInterglow. Sorry I have not responded earlier. How did you transition your daughter? Did she accept it? Did you start mentioning it earlier in her lilfe? Also I have to remember there are two sides of this dilemna, his mum who may not accept him going into a home as well.

Well, she was in a day centre

Well, she was in a day centre before that and she had outgrown it and was in desperate need of new challenges.

There are only two group homes within reasonable distance and, though neither had a full time place for her, they did have short term day vacancies when they had residents on holiday, so she got to test both places several times. Then we moved on to the full board options and she loved it.

Meanwhile, she was still going to her day centre in between her short stays and hating it more and more.

When she was offered a place she was thrilled! The decision was easy to make at that point.

PS

She has a great social life, something she wouldn't have if she were stuck with us. She goes shopping regularly, has dance classes, goes swimming every week, has formed a small group of friends, is getting a little work experience, and that's just for starters!

Her group attends pretty much every local event at the weekends available, if there's nothing special on they sometimes go to the movies or the theatre, and there's something organised by the management for all important dates (music day on 21st June was epic last year!).

I can't imagine depriving her of all that...

Thanks Winterglow. It sounds

Thanks Winterglow. It sounds really great, and lots of activity for her and having friends. SS has zero friends on the weekend, but he has friends at his day program 4 days a week.

Thank you for your inspiring example.

What an amazing mom you are to both of your DDs.

They both are truly blessed to have you as their mom. I have no doubt your special needs DD is living a wonderful life.

Your daughter sounds like she

Your daughter sounds like she's living her best life! I'm happy for her. (You're a great mom!)

First of all

You DID NOT know what you were getting into. All of us feel it's going to be normal. But as see here it's never is. You did your part.. he's21. Things are not going to change. You have to change. You have to put your foot down and say either SS goes or they both go. I would not have my SO sleep with his kid instead of me. You must realize there something not right with DH.
'Once again nothing magically is going to happen here. It sucks for him.. But you are at crossroad. Either you spend the rest of your life taking care of this kid. Or you put him in a group home and live your life. As in going on Adul7 vacations, cruise, Have friends with out SS involved, I bed you don't get invited out to dinner with friends because of SS.

'The faster SS is out the better it is as in "This is the first day, in the rest of your life"

Thanks Harry, I will keep

Thanks Harry, I will keep hinting at retirement plans (I have started) Thank you so much for your perspective

21, even if special needs, is

21, even if special needs, is entirely inappropriate to cosleep.

Coddling, even if special needs, is never in the best interest of an adult aged child. Or any aged child for that matter. This young man needs a group home where he can have a life and engage with others in similar life situations.

In my first career when I ran my own company I employed multiple special needs adults group home residents in back of the house roles. They were reliable, engaging, and an important part of the team. A few even progressed to front of the house positions where they interfaced with my customers. More than one of them would check in when they came to work and tell me that they were going to kill me. Not a menacing comment, just on par with their mental capabilities. Not one of them ever said that to any other of my team or to my customers. I was the one that was greated with the "kill you" statement.

Some of my special needs employees were middle aged and their parents were deceased. They did have siblings that were part of their support but they did not live with those sibs. The group home was a wonderful place for these adults to be adults within their ability to function as adults, they had friendships, their own efficiency "apartments", and structured activities with professional care giver oversight.

Many parents of special needs adults forego that opportunity for their adult children, sacrifice their own peace of mind and lifes for their special needs adults, and interfere in the lives that their special needs adult children could have.

Of course not every special needs adult is capable of functioning at that level, though IMHO even those people should have the opportunity to engage in an appropriate residential community and have as quality of a life as possible.

Your SO and BM are not doing their son any favors IMHO.

Your SO is failing you by expecting you go join him in ruining his kids potential and denying his son, himeslf, and you your best lives.

If he can't pull his head out, you need to move on.

IMHO.

Take care of you.

Thank you Rags, this is going

Thank you Rags, this is going to be a slow process but I will start talking about my retirement plans with SO and what I would to do (vacation etc) Thank you for your answer

But you are starting with a

Man who is still sleeping with his son. Like WHY .. How screw up is DH . How do you allow this insanity to go on ??
'I admitt I am screwed up also. But never that screw up. You don't go on adult vacations ? By yourself.?

I would maybe start by

I would maybe start by bringing up the fact that parents rarely outlive their kids. That the time will come when you both are gone and SS might be at the mercy of people who don't care about him. And that the sooner SS finds a place where he is happy and well cared for, the better. He will adjust better the younger he is. Also, you and your DH are still well enough to look after him and make sure it's a good fit. If it happens when you guys are gone, SS will be at the mercy of who knows who. DH seems like a "rescuer" personality and likely codependent if he still sleeps with an adult man. DH needs to feel like, by taking action now, he is, in fact, "rescuing" SS from an uncertain future.

Thank you Rumplestiltskin,

Thank you Rumplestiltskin, thanks for your insight

Though we did not know it

Though we did not know it when he was a minor, SS-31 is ADHD. We raised him with very rigourous standards of behavior and performance. After graduating from HS at 17 and with honors, though it was a periodically arduous battle, we worked his tale bone off as our live in chore boy until he figured out that working his butt off for nothign more than a roof over his head and food was not what he wanted and enlisted in the USAF.

He is approaching his 13th service anniversary (I have been saying 14th anniversary but... I took a year of credit not yet earned).

He is fully capable of supporting himself so we do not have anywhere near the challenges that you and many others have.

One of my childhood BFFs was Dx'd with schizophrenia in his mid to late 20s. His parents did have him institutionalized a few times over the years and have had him made a ward of the State. He lives in a garage apartment in his parent's home and has for decades.

His parents are elderly and have their estate set up to go into trust for his support upon their demise. It is administered by a bank that their family founded. His younger brother is not capable of protecting his best interests and would gut the trust if made the executor.

I have another very good friend whose special needs adult son could not live on his own. He remained with the family.

When I was running my own company I employed a number of residents of various group homes in back of the house jobs. They were great. Quirky, reliable, etc.... They lived wonderful lives in their private lives in their group home. Close friends, community, a level of independence, great care, etc.....

I hope that your DH and BM can get their heads engaged and do what is best for their kid. Though the cosleeping with his adult son daddy is not likely to engage his head effectively.

Good luck and take care of you.

Thanks Rags

Advice from a Professional

I've been working in the developmental disabilities field for 25 years and my advice is this.

I've seen FAR too many families keep their disabled adult children at home for as long as possible. While I understand, what ends up happening more often than not, is there comes a time when the parents can no longer care for the adult child, other family members are in no position to take him/her in, and the diasbled adult ends up in state custody after the parents experience severe helth problems of their own or die. Typically, that means they're placed in a bed in a hospital or nursing home for months on end until a bed in a group residence becomes available. Even then, it may not be the most appropriate setting for that individual, it may be far from other family, etc. Meanwhile, the adult child is not only grieving the loss of his/her parents, but also having to adjust to a new home, usually enduring several temporary settings in the meantime.

I implore parents and other family members to get their children into appropraite residential settings early on, whether that's a group home, supported living situation, whatever they need to be happy and successful. That way:

a) the parents have say as to where their child lives and

b) the child can get used to the new home, let it become home, bond with peers and staff, while still being a part of their parents' lives. When the parents inevitably, eventually pass, it will make the transition SO much easier.

Plus, a lot of adults with disabilities thrive in an approipriate residential setting. They make friends and enjoy social activities with peers who are on their level. They go out in the commuity and learn skills they need. It's great that he's attending a day program four days a week; that's an excellent start.

I've worked with many, many people who thrived and developed great self-confidence after leaving home for their own living situation. Even if it's a group home, they consider it "their home" (because it is) and makes them feel more independent. Please, please consider the future! It can take any number of years on a waitlist in some states/areas, so keep that in mind.

Though not a special needs

Though not a special needs child, when my granddad passed we tried to keep my GM in her home. She had been suffereing from dementia for several years before granddad passed

After a year we chose to move her near the rest of the family and found a residential home for her. It was nice, very peaceful, and entirely inappropriate for my GM. She has spent many years mostly sedentary since they retired. The first residential home replicated her life.

That facility closed due to a labor dispute. We found an age in place facility that was much larger, well staffed, and was like a cruise ship in a nice setting. It was controlled entrance and exit to keep wanderers from getting lost. GM had her own apartment (no functional kithen). Very nice but modest. Within a few short weeks my GM blossomed. For the last years of her life she was engaged in her life, with people. She thrived. She passed at 84 far happier than any of us had ever seen her. Except for my dad. He remembers his mom as an energetic young woman living an energetic life. His last memories of her are of an energetic woman living her life to the fullest. Her GGKs all remember her as a loving, dancing, serial winner of "Miss Congeniality" at the annual talent contest.

Not a special needs child or kidult, but a profound tale of the incredible outcome of the right "group home" with the right staff allowing residents to live their best life.

I could not agree more.I wish

I could not agree more.I wish more parents understood that keeping their kids at home is pure selfishness and NOT concern for their child's wellbeing.

My dad had a friend who had

My dad had a friend who had an adult son.. who never really was diagnosed.. parents never really sought treatment but he was incapable of keeping any jobs.. and had definite issues interacting socially.. basically.. all he did was live with mom.. and he was in his 40's.. She was a widow of some years.. maybe at some point she figured her son would be a good companion?

But.. she ended up having end stage breast cancer.. and the doctors said no treatment would extend or help.. so there she was in a panic and ill at the end of her life with a "man" that had never lived on his own.. never had to take care of himself... and with no prior contact with any resources.. no help.

She panic moved all the way across the country to be in a state closer to one of her daughters.. who I guess she hoped would take on her son.. but that took all her resources.. and didn't really give the guy any good resources.

My dad never really heard what ended up happening because she did pass.. and he is unsure whether her other kids stepped up.. or washed their hands of their brother.. that my understanding was.. they resented for all the coddling they thought he got.

That is so incredibly sad. My

That is so incredibly sad. My mother told me about a boy that used to wave at her and her friends on their way to and from school. She realised much later that he was special needs. When my daughter was born she realised how much that poor boy missed out on life.

We need to be more aware of our children's needs and stop thinking that we are the solution. It's an ongoing situation. The solution is seldom to keep them at home.

Did some research and lost a lot of sleep

I started googling how long is the waitist for group homes here. 24 years plus. I joined a facebook group of parents with disabled adults so I could read the comments and ask questions as well. So many elderly parents with adult disabled children who are stuck on a "waitlist" and the developmental services agency only acts to do "placements" when the adult caregiver dies or is rendered homeless. There are not enough group homes in our province that's the issue. These parents put their child on a list long ago and are just left in limbo. It's not like they didn't try. I have heard of parents calling the agency for years in tears and angry, trying to be a squeaky wheel and eventually the agency caves. Even cases of parents in their mid-seventies with still no group home for their adult child in their forties. It's not a first come first serve list, but a list of who's more urgent comes first. Some parents want their child in a group home close to them but are given one hours away. I think the only option is either parents group together and buy a home and get psws which would cost a lot of money or SS sadly goes into a nursing home, also a lot of money. The last option happens a lot I know and he would be surrounded by old people which is not appropriate. But there's going to be no group home for him. I am glad I researched this and it opened my eyes. I'm still angry and resentful for the situation I'm in though. I'm going to have a chat with my husband today about what him and his ex are planning to do.

Ward of the State/Province.

I'm not sure if it is option In Canada.

One of my dearest childhood friends was Dx'd as schizophrenic in is mid 20s. To preserve their assets and get him optimal help and support, his parents engaged attorneys and agencies to have him made a ward of the State. That give him and them a lot more resources for managing his mental health and minimizing the drain on their resources.

Basically he lives in an apartment in his parents home. If he gets imbalanced and becomes a threat to himself of others they call the State, the State sends the attendants in the white scrubs with the padded van, and take him to a facility to get his meds normalized, etc.... If it gets to the point where he has to go to a group home, then the State does it and pays for it.

They did have to invest in a two home model and make their primary home over State lines in a neighboring State to get it all to work. He is a resident of State A where they have a jointly owned small studio condo that is his "official" residence in the State where he is a ward. They live about 20miles from the Condo in their large fairly isolated home in a neighboring State.

When he is "visiting" them, he is supervised by them and they shuttle him to his home State for doc visits, agency reviews, etc..... If he gets manic.... that is when the calls go out and a State van from State A shows up at their home in State B to transport him to a facility.

At some point, he will likely go in a controlled access/egress group home.

Check on the possibility of ward of the Provice or if that is even a thing for your area. It may get you much faster access to a group home slot than trying to do it as free agents.

Good luck.

I think parents need to think

I think parents need to think logically and actually with empathy towards their children. Unless the child's disability is coupled with a very high risk that they will not survive long into adulthood... the reality is that they will most likely survive their parents. It's unfair to siblings to push them into a caregiver role and it also is unfair to the disabled child to not be allowed to live as independent of a life as is possible for them. It's also cruel to have them be required to transition to some other home or institution without support which could happen if a parent passes suddenly. A parent should want to help ease that transition and it doesn't mean that the child cannot or will not be part of their own family.. being present for visits and celebrations.. but they will be able to live on their own terms.. to the extent possible.

You have gotten some great advice from Winter.. someone who loves their child enough to provide them as open and fulfilling of a live that they can enjoy..

THAT is how this is best approached ... don't you love your child enough to want them to have an enriched life? Don't you love them enough to help them through the transition while you are still here on earth (no one is promised tomorrow)? Do you think it would be fair to your other child to limit their life due to their sibling's needs. .needs that would be better served in a group home?

A special needs adult group home also does not purge that member

A special needs adult group home also does not purge that memberof the family from the family.

The SN adults I employed in my restaurants were residents at group homes. Just like any adult, their parents/sibs etc visited them, and they visited their extended families as well.

My SN people were wonderful. Energetic, dependable, engaging, great people.

Some were hyper focused and liked back of the house work, others were engaging social butterflies who preferred front of the house work.

I loved and respected them. Even the one who greated me every day with "I'm gonna kill you Rags!". I would reply, "How about we not do that today, Okay?" He would beam and bounce off to dive into his job chuckling and chortling happily. He announced he was gonna kill me several times every day. Always in the back of the house. Never in the front.

I miss them all and often think of them and wonder how they are doing. Most of the younger ones would be in their mid 70s+ by now.

How fully they all lived, how great their care givers were, how much of a cummunity the group homes were made a huge impression on me. It was all very integrated into the neighborhoods where the group homes were. Lots of kids visiting, playing games with the adults, the Police and FD visiting, etc.

Which reminds me... We lived in a Denver suburb for 4 years when I was 10-14. The ony time growing up after I was 4yo that we lived in the US. Anyway, a friend of mine from our neighborhood grabbed me one day to take me to meet "The Chief". That friend had been visiting a nursing/retirement home to hang out and talk with the residents. "The Chief" was a retired DPD Chief of Police in his 80s. We would visit him a couple of times a month and sit mesmerized by his stories and adventures. He had us smuggle in a bag of BeechNut chewing tobacco and a large disposable cup with a lid. He would chaw away while he was weaving us into his live stories. When it was time to go, he would give us back the bag of chew and the cup. He would grumble about how they would always find and take his stash when he kept it so he would enjoy a chew while gabbing away with us. The caretakers would raz him periodically during our visits and he would tell them he would have arrested us for smuggling if they had not bused his undercover operation. The he would tell them to get him a cup of coffee and bring his boys a coke.

When my Granddad passed and we moved my GM near us. Her retirement home was much like one of the SN adult group homes. It was controlled access egress as it was designed specifically as a dementia/alzheimers facility. It was far nicer than the SN adult group homes but had a very similar energy and community dynamic. The residents mingled, socialized, etc... Families visited, took their family member on trips, or for holidays, etc, HS kids would come socialize with the residents, give concerts, plays, etc, local merchants would set up market days in the facility. It was basically a cruise ship in a field/parking lot.

Unlike the group homes the residents did not get out as much and due to the wandering tendencies of dementia/alzheimers patients all doors were monitored and key coded for access and egress. It was shaped like a large retangular figure 8. Residents would go for walks, visit with people, stop in to other's apartments for tea, coffee, muffins, etc... and always end up back at their own place. They could wander to the hearts content. A nice "restaurant" in the common area for those who wanted to eat "out" or they could have meals brought to their persona residence. A large lounge area for reading, playing games, a "library", a "movie theater", a "Salon" that several of the local stylists would come and do wash, curl, and sets for the ladies or give the men a cut and shave. An amazing place. About 60% of it was covered by SS and Medicare for my GM. The rest we covered from her assets. Dad sold her home when GrandDad passed and all of her liquid assets were split equally between dad, me, and my brother. We did that to start the clock on preserving her assets from the Gov't in the event she had to go into a full Medicare nursing home so we could use her assets to optimize her quality of life and care rather than surrendering it to the Gov't. We would rotate monthly cutting a check to the parking lot cruise ship for the delta between SS/Medicare and the full monthy bill.

These things of course are not cheap but if family engages the agencies, legal advice, etc... it can work out that their family member can have an engaging life and living condition for a surprisingly moderate cost to the family. Obviously not all. But for many.

Yeah but the crisis is, those

Yeah but the crisis is, those parents who have been proactive and have put their child on a waitlist, they are still waiting 20, 25 years later as the government hasn't funded group homes, it's not their fault. It's the government's fault.

Are there any affordable

Are there any affordable private group homes?

ETA also, maybe go ahead and get his name on a list. I'm guessing your DH isn't young and isn't the picture of health. You guys' needs may qualify for a bump up the list.

Thanks Rumpelstiltskin, I'm

Thanks Rumpelstiltskin, I'm going to start searching for private homes in my area.

Yeah my DH is 55, I'm 52 and SS's biomom is 60. My DH is pretty healthy, he's fit

I started looking at not-for

I started looking at not-for-profit group homes and there are a few. They get donations from corporations...this could be the answer. Going to propose this to my hubby

Today I bit the bullet and

Today I bit the bullet and emailed DH that he needs to ask his ex what are her long term housing plans for SS. I have already emailed his ex and texted her that she needs to start donig this for SS's sake but no response. I told DH in email (he's at work) that if she doesn't respond to him, then we need to go through a lawyer. These things take years. Enough is enough! I donl't want my daughter to be taking on his care in future years. I want her to have a life of her own. This is too much uncertainty, too much unknown for me to handle on a day-to-day basis

Maybe I overlooked this but

Maybe I overlooked this but how is your daughter involved in the care for your Ss? How old is she? Has she being providing the care?

You are doing the right thing by looking into all of this. I think your husband is probably in denial but the fact is that your husbands son needs care. He can't just pretend this need doesn't exist. I think going to a lawyer is a good step. You're doing all the right things by researching all of the options for the homes for him.

Eta if your husbands fallback plan is to have your daughter provide all of the care for him ongoing that is very wrong .. As you said she deserves her own life doing what she wants to do with her life.. Not forced into that role.

Thanks Yesterdays, sorry

Thanks Yesterdays, sorry forgot to say, my daughter is 11 and SS is 22. She's not involved in his care at all, but she could be if we don't do anything for years. Even though DH thinks he should be planning this not now, but in 10 years time for example, that is too late. Because what is needed are groups of parents banding together to form microboards and register themselves as non-profit organizations. Instead of waiting on the 20 year list for housing. He got back to me and thanked me for caring about this and says he wants to talk about this with me at home. I made sure I worded the email so it was about not leaving our daughter to look after SS, so it wasn't about me and that got DH's attention.

I agree, putting this off

I agree, putting this off for another 10 years would be crazy and counterproductive. In 10 years your husband will be thinking of retiring, so he'll decide to wait until he retires. Then, he'll realise that you can't just snap your fingers and magically find a solution - it can take years. He's also not going to have as much energy to deal with his son and suddenly, having your daughter help out doesn't seem like such a bad idea. He might even use the excuse that it would upset his son to leave his family at his age. Nope, the time to deal with this is now.

Good luck.

Thanks Winterglow! Those are

Thanks Winterglow! Those are good points you made, I'll keep those in mind

Come on. Now.

How do you expect a man who CO sleeps with his DS is going to put him in a group home. How is he going to break this inappropriate relationship with his ex. You are asking him to turn his life as he knows it around. Ifs it's between DS and you I bet you lose. He woulld you go faster then DS and his Ex. They get court up in this ...

My nephew neighbor, has a DS born will a disability where he could not walk or do much. This kid was like 50 yo and them in there 70's still lifting him taking care of him. Then. IDK what really happen. But the DS got sick, [didn't treat the illness right?] died. Three month later the father put a bullet in his head. [had cancer? ? ]. The DM sold the home and moved. At 75 yo.

I assume they were happy guilty something in doing thus giving up there life's. I hope so. But

BUT where does this leave you? I am sick of the line " you know what you were getting yourself into". No you don't. You didn't know that tge ex goers more respect then you. That the kid comes before you. These people made there kids with the ex. They have the responsibility to raise the kid , they didn't ask you if it was ok to have kids. You have nothing to do with it. The ex gets a free ride and you are the cause of all problems. Because they don't pay CS. It's your problem there's not enough money. Ect

LEAVE. get a exit plan. Or one day you will be 75. your life just about over and SO still Co sleeping with DS.

Come on. Now.

I assume they were happy guilty something in doing thus giving up there life's. I hope so. But

LEAVE. get a exit plan. Or one day you will be 75. your life just about over and SO still Co sleeping with DS.

I hear you Harry but I'm not

I hear you Harry but I'm not leaving. I drafted up an email to DH with all the housing options out there for SS and he will send it to his ex-wife once he reviews it, because these two need to start communicating about SS's future. My DH was angry with me this morning about it, he said you are not letting this subject go, but I am sticking to my plan to ensure his parents start talking and planning. I am not backing down

Good on you for not backing

Good on you for not backing down. As it is the wait times seem very long....

BTW what is your husbands plan for his son if he seems against the group home idea for SS? What are his ideas? Why won't he discuss it? Is he imagining you and him providing all of the care and help? What are his solutions? I know that he probably feels frustrated but why doesn't he want to anything to find a solution?

Does he envision the 2 of you doing everything? For the rest of his life?

When it comes down to it you

When it comes down to it you should be able to discuss this with your husband. He is being dismissive. Also vague. You should be able to talk with him and plan things and discuss things as a team. This is both of your lives. You have the right to know what your future together will look like.

He needs to be able to communicate to you what his plans are for his son. Even if it doesn't align with what you feel... That way you can work through this together rather than you just accepting what is and not knowing what happens next. It's no way to live

I'm glad you got the ball rolling.

Thanks Yesterdays, I know I

Thanks Yesterdays, I know I should be able to discuss this with him. I certainly have the right to know. He left for work this morning really really angry at me. I know this would be rocky. I think he hasn't discussed this with me before because a) he's scared b) he doesn't want to fight his ex on the biggest issue of their lives. Really parents of adult children have to band together to create their own group home and form non-profit organizations and microboards and attract funding from governments. I told him this. The other options are not good at all. Host families, nursing homes, hospitals, supportive roommates. And I'm doing this for our daughter's sake so she is not left with SS to figure out housing.

As far as your daughter that

As far as your daughter that can be a strong boundary that you set out. And let your husband know in advance that it's not an option. You can set that boundary. That would be inappropriate to make her do that. Helping out is one thing. Having your life course and career path changed is another. Just say no and don't allow that. I can understand that feeling.. The fear of it happening. I also think it's a necessary boundary to say it's not going to become a thing. Make it clear. Has he suggested that?

Thanks Yesterdays, absolutely

Thanks Yesterdays, absolutely yes to everything you said. He can't ignore this or put this off due to this massive reason alone. Such pressure on adult siblings of developmentally disabled adults to take over, to help and not being able to lead their own lives. It's not right.

I agree, they each deserve to

I agree, they each deserve to live their best lives.

Your husband and is trying to pretend there is no "situation". What does he think will happen to his son if he's in a car accident/has a heart attack/finds himself in the wrong place at the wrong time? Imagine he has a stroke an finds himself incapacitated . You cannot possibly be expected to care for his disabled son, an invalid husband AND raise your daughter.

You mentioned that your SS attends a day centre. I recommend talking to the people caring for your SS and also the social workers there. I'm sure they'll have suggestions concerning the possibilities for his future.

There's a common syndrome among the parents of special needs children, WIAG (when I am gone); we worry about what the future holds for our children and want to do as much as possible to pave the way. Your husband seems to be paralysed and scared to even consider this. He cannot be blind to this forever because others will have to deal with the fallout from his inaction.

Glad to hear you got the ball rolling. Don't let up.

Thanks Winterglow, all your

Thanks Winterglow, all your points are valid as always, you're a tremendous help

DH is happy with the living arrangements

What is happening now. He has a DS to co sleep with. You and his ex to help. This is his life he's ok with it. Unless you make his life uncomfortable. By disengaging with SS. Make Hindi more care for SS. Making him hire help for SS. Nothing is going to change. The result of all of this is you have a fight with him now and again.
'GO on a trip to visit someone, anyone for a week. Make him take time off from work, hire someone. Join a traveling bird watchers club. You must do something to show your displeasure.
You unfortunately must start making a exit plan. This is not the life you want to live, or live with someone who doesn't respect you. Putts you under his DS and Ex. Bucause nothing is going to change. He Is showing you that

Great news! I did a lot of

Great news! I did a lot of research on my own and have presented it to my husband and he emailed his ex yesterday that they can't put if off any longer, they have to start planning for SS's future NOW. OMG! He gave her an utltimatum too and threatened legal action if she did not respond in a timely manner. Amazing! I was shaking when he wrote the email

WOW

I did not see that coming! I am incredibly happy for you (and your stepson). Don't let him run out of steam on this.

Thanks Winterglow! No I won't

OMG, the ex said yes. A big

OMG, the ex said yes. A big fat YES! to my husband and myself (rather just me as my husband is way too busy) to do all the planning! She is too exhausted and the divorce is too hostile for her to be involved until much later! We're not going to court. We don't need a lawyer to be involved. No more fighting (well maybe a little) OMG, I am going to do this. This is so great! I have a lot of work to do and a lot of emailing to do but I'm up for it. So bascially I have to create a group home with a bunch of parents and get funding (no small task) but will start today!

Excellent news! Go for it! As

Excellent news! Go for it! As for funding, remember that a little bit of guilt goes a long, long way ...

Thanks Winterglow!

This doesn’t mean she is ready to

Do anything except let you run around in circles. You may get ... THIS PLACE .. is no good because ... x y z ... it's too far away.. ITV's painter green. It's almost good enough BUT

I created a Facebook group

I created a Facebook group and have 4 other parents who joined. I researched Camphill.org and they have over 100 locations across the world. They have one in my province far away. I emailed them saying we need another one in my region and parents are desperate. I am hoping for a positive outcome. They issue grants and low-interest loans to new villages. Villages are composed of several farmstead buildings. They have a great philosophy on special needs adults working alongside able bodied adults. The trouble with convential group homes here in my province is attracting staff, retaining staff and goverment cuts. Camphill is well established and attracts a large amount of donations from local charities, governments. They have long-term volunteers. Fingers crossed!!! This is really daunting but I got to do this

I created a facebook group

I created a facebook group for parents looking for the same thing and now it has 35 members.

We have emailed farming organizations to see if they will be interested in taking us on. This part is the scary part but hoping there are farmers out there with special needs kids or relatives and who will see our group and will welcome us.

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Question to step parents with adult step kids