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Husband still cosleeps with special needs adult child

stepmom444's picture

Submitted by stepmom444 on Thu, 09/07/2023 - 9:46am

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Adult Stepchildren

Hi everyone, 

 

My husband cosleeps twice a week with his adult son with special needs. He is over 20. He has him every other day and  every other weekend. 

I am left alone in my bed, and sometimes I don't mind this, but other days I do. 

I was really accepting this when I first met him, his son was only 9. Now twelve years later, I am tolerating it or resenting it. Yesterday I raised the issue for the very first time, if he could start weaning him off cosleeping. Am I being unreasonable by asking my husband to sleep in my bed 7 days a week? I feel sad thinking I have this to look forward to for years to come. 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Submitted by Rumplestiltskin on Thu, 09/07/2023 - 9:55am

Nope, not unreasonable. Idk why he does it or why it's twice per week but it's at best codependent and at worst weird in a bad way. 

Survivingstephell's picture

Submitted by Survivingstephell on Thu, 09/07/2023 - 9:55am

Wow.  Is there a plan in place for getting son into a place of his own, a group home or other situation?  Is that even possible with him?   Does BM do it too?  
 

Id be annoyed by it too, it's so inappropriate.  

stepmom444's picture

Submitted by stepmom444 on Thu, 09/07/2023 - 11:16am

There is currently no plan. I am the only one who has raised the issue. He is at a pre-kindergarten level mentally. I mention planning for the future and am told politely by my husband that now is not the time  The BM does not do it either. 

qtpie013178's picture

Submitted by qtpie013178 on Fri, 09/08/2023 - 2:00pm

It's sad that it's never the right time. Unless the son predeceases both parents, he will eventually be left alone, with minimal social skills, even among people with similar disability. He will be thrust into a new situation, without his parents there as a stabilizing force.  They are guilty and selfishly refusing to deal with the son's disappointment at the expense of his growth and long-term development and emotional security.

Kes's picture

Submitted by Kes on Thu, 09/07/2023 - 12:35pm

"Now is not the time"? why?  is SS going through some particularly traumatic event?  I suspect not. Whether or not SS is pre-kindergarten level mentally, he is perfectly capable of being trained to sleep in his own bed, in his own room - as babies and toddlers are.  Your husband is kidding himself if he thinks his son needs this - he doesn't.  I think if I were you, this would be a BIG issue, necessitating some very serious discussion.  

Winterglow's picture

Submitted by Winterglow on Thu, 09/07/2023 - 12:56pm

He's actually doing him a huge disservice by continuing to allow him to sleep in the same bed. Imagine how hard it will be if your DH has to be hospitalised, or even if he contracts COVID and has to isolate. SS is going to be devastated. It's high time to get him used to sleeping alone.

Your DH also needs to ask himself what happens to his son when he dies... Planning for that should have started years ago. 

ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Fri, 09/08/2023 - 7:56am

This isn't just about you.. it's about what is best for his son.. and what the plans may be for the time when your DH and his wife are no longer able to provide care.

One day, and that day could be today.. tomorrow or 20 years from now.. your husband and his wife will no longer be on this earth.. or may not be mentally (alzheimer's). or physicallly  able to provide care for themselves.. much less a grown man who has the mentality of a toddler.   Does he have actual plans in place?  Is his son going to be able to make a transition to a time when his parents are not there?    Does he currenly spend any time in outside activities.. daycare?   If his EX is married.. does he somehow think her SO and you would pick up the responsibilty?  

I have seen situations where people have been left with no safety net and no mental preparation...

Even toddlers learn to sleep independentlly.. so can his son.

simifan's picture

Submitted by simifan on Fri, 09/08/2023 - 8:08am

I supervise group homes. Now is exactly the time. It can take years to get placement. There are a lot more people in need of a home, then there are homes available. Not to mention, most often, only emergencies are immediately approved for funding. I have received clients who's parent has died & no one is willing to step up to care for them. They have been placed in boarding homes with no help or supervision, jail, nursing homes at 35 years old, or held in the psych ward for months and these are the lucky ones. These are the ones who have had some serious incident which has gained the notice of higher ups. My heart breaks for those that have fallen fall through the cracks.

If SO doesn't put in the work now, he is leaving his child at the mercy of the system. What happens if he or mom have a car accident & die tomorrow? If your SO wants to know his son is taken care of & the place is reputable he needs to start looking now.

GhostWhoCooksDinner's picture

Submitted by GhostWhoCooksDinner on Thu, 09/21/2023 - 2:24pm

I agree with this 100%. I work in the developmental disabilities field as a social worker, and group placements are few and far between. The demand definitely exceeds the supply, and I've seen this to be true in most areas. This guy should have gotten his son connected with services YEARS ago. What happens when the husband dies? If no one in the family can take in his son? I'll tell you. He'll end up in a temporary hospital or nursing home situation; temporary possibly being several years. Then he'll be placed in the first bed in the first group home that opens up, whether it's an ideal placement for him or not. Not a great life for this young man. The husband has two choices here:

1. Get his son into services. Get him on a waitlist for an appropriate, non-emergency group home placement that HE has say in choosing. He can help his son settle in, watch him make connections with the caregivers and his fellow residents, get involved in some kind of life skills program so he can function to the best of his ability.

OR

2. He can do nothing, die, and his son will end up in an unfamiliar place with unfamiliar people while mourning the loss of his father.

I've seen it happen SO many times, and it's always heartbreaking because in most cases, it's completely preventable. 

Winterglow's picture

Submitted by Winterglow on Fri, 09/08/2023 - 3:14pm

I'd be inclined to poke the bear and ask your DH why he feels the need to sleep with his son.

Thumper's picture

Submitted by Thumper on Fri, 09/08/2023 - 3:36pm

Does your SS self care?

Are you saying the parents sleep in the same bed as SS?

 

 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Submitted by Rumplestiltskin on Fri, 09/08/2023 - 8:48pm

I think what she means is that her husband usually sleeps with her but about twice per week leaves their bed to go cuddle with his adult son all night. Idk if the son sleeps alone the rest of the time or if he's at BMs on the other nights sleeping with her? 

stepmom444's picture

Submitted by stepmom444 on Sat, 09/09/2023 - 6:59am

Thank you everyone for reaching out to me and helping me assert myself with my SO. You have been of such tremendous help. I have noone to turn to but you!!  I have managed to get him to commit to only 1 night cosleeping with his son as opposed to 2 nights per week. I will give it a year and then approach going to zero nights. 

Winterglow's picture

Submitted by Winterglow on Sat, 09/09/2023 - 8:22am

By continuing one night per week he's just dragging the situation out. It needs to stop.

What is he doing to prepare for his son's future?

BobbyDazzler's picture

Submitted by BobbyDazzler on Sun, 09/10/2023 - 3:12pm

Has he tried to NOT cosleep? If so, what was the result?

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Thu, 09/21/2023 - 11:35pm

The issue is not the frequency of cosleeping. It is that he cosleeps at all.

Nea

Inform him that if he cosleeps with someone other than you... he sets the precident for you to do the same.

Then do some overt shopping for some hot lingerie.

See if that gives him clarity.

Diablo

Thumper's picture

Submitted by Thumper on Wed, 09/13/2023 - 5:16pm

Ma'am, can your son sef care?

I am trying to understand, why your husband is laying IN a bed with his adult son who is disabled?

What are the nature of his disabilities?

 

stepmom444's picture

Submitted by stepmom444 on Wed, 09/20/2023 - 8:51am

I am going to try again in a few months and get SO to sleep every night with me. It has been a long time coming. Thank you everyone for your advice. Also going to get him to start texting his ex about arranging a plan for his son who will need 24h care as we are in our early fifties and now is the time.