Teen girls, would not recommend.
Skids came by us yesterday and immediately SD14 got an attitude with me- DH got stuck at work late, SD got home from work, but I didn't even know she had to work because she didn't send me her schedule like she's supposed to. SS17 picked her up. I asked her if her dad knew she had to work. She said "probably, I sent him my schedule". I was in the process of making wings for dinner, and reminded her to send her schedule to me so I know who to cook for. She argued that she did. I said no you didn't, I haven't gotten one for 2wks. She said she was "told" I had been told about her schedule. DH didn't talk to her on the phone last week- I know he never said that. She continued to argue with me and I started getting pissed- I said look, it's not hard, just send me your schedule, or you will be walking home and I won't make you dinner. Simple. She argued some more and I said, I'm not arguing with you, just send me your schedule! She walked out into the garage and snarkily said "whatever you say". I was so livid at this point, she walked back in and I said, you seriously think you're going to talk back to me?? Do your f'ng chore, NOW. She hesitated but did it, and I threw all of the wings into the fridge and went and sat on the deck to cool down. She has pulled this crap with DH, but not me yet, and I am not playing with her. I didn't make dinner at all- I sure as f*ck not cooking for a snarky kid.
I text DH and told him about it- he's like, what is going on with her, she is really pushing it lately. I said idk, it's probably normal but I'm not a fan. Last Fri. she slept until 3:30pm and didn't go get an application at the golf course like she was supposed to, and when she woke up she just turned her TV on and watched TV, as if the day was over and there was no way she could go get an application now. So he told her she may need to set an alarm if she has things to do. She said she was NOT going to set an alarm repeatedly and then he told her to get outside and she refused that also. So he took her phone, and she said she didn't care because she would just get it back at her mom's, and her mom does everything with her anyway. So DH took her TV and all of her books as well. He went back up later and asked if she was happy with her decisions and she said yes. But he came downstairs laughing and told me she had been sitting there sorting her socks, so DH figured he won that round *ROFL* A little while later she came down to do her laundry. DH is like, she's bored out of her mind! You really showed him SD! lol. Around 10pm he asked me if he should give her books back and I said absolutely not- I said you may think your punishments are harsh, but I assure you they are not and most kids are getting way worse than what you're dishing out. She needs to learn that you can stick to something. The next day she was fine and said she knew she was wrong and brought him tacos from work, but FFS. This teen girl shit is crazy. SS17 has all but been a saint- asking for more hours at work, looking into colleges since this will be his Senior year, taking extra college classes, studying for ACT's so he could re-take them and get a better score. He has been a PITA in the past, but he's been really good mostly and does NOT get an attitude with me or DH. I've actually had a ton of good talks with him recently and enjoyed talking to him. DH said that most of his conversations with SS are initiated by things I've told DH I've talked to SS about.
This morning SD told me She is going camping with DH's sister this wknd Thurs-Sun, and I had to stop myself from breaking out into a celebratory dance. DH and I had talked about taking the camper we just refurbished out on its maiden voyage this wknd if SD went camping with her aunt, but never in my wildest dreams did I think she would leave on Thurs already. DH told me he talked to SD last night about how she talked to me, and that her camping trip is not a sure thing because of it, although I'm telling him he should let her go because why should I be punished also? 
To top it off, DH and I are going to the house we bought in Italy at the end of Sept. He's going for 2wks and I'm staying for 3wks. He will have to offer Crazy the kids because of Right of First refusal, although he insists on doing it anyway and making it a switch, but as luck would have it, I have to go to CA for work for 9 DAYS right before we leave. I get back the day before we leave for Italy. I told DH I don't care when he switches since I don't have a dog in the race- per the way he had it written in the CO, half of the switch time has to be made up before our trip, which is when I will be in CA. Half has to be made up after his trip, and I will still be in Italy. So have at it DH, and have fun dealing with SD on your own, since you insisted on making ROFR a switch and making up the time.
It's sad that one of my favorite things is finding ways to get out of skid visitation time. Only 4 more years......
*Update, DH said he talked to SD about her attitude towards me last night and her camping trip is not a for sure thing because of it. I'm
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yay YOU!!!
Happy dance
Yep, it starts about now and doesnt stop until around the 20's. The testing, the pushing, the attitude. Its normal and if parented it goes away eventually. If no parenting, well it goes really really bad.
I am determined to parent the
I am determined to parent the shit out of this. lol. Letting DH take the lead and only chiming in when it affects me or when I can't take it. I was so mad at her last week for how she talked to DH and that she told him how Crazy does everything for her, which is just mind-blowing, so I told her the next day that I wasn't getting involved, but that saying that to him was mean and disrespectful and is absolutely not going to be allowed in this house..and I don't think it will happen again because she's not a mean person, but if it does we can escalate the punishment a whole lot more. She says she will not say it again- we shall see.
This morning she was chatting to me about a foreign exchange student program she really wants to do in high school, and I reminded her that it's not a given. She said, oh yeah, I still have to get accepted. I said, not only that, but you have to earn these things, and that is based on your behavior and attitude, so I would watch yourself, because you are not entitled to any of these things and you can be told no at any time. We want you to do them, but you aren't entitled to do them. You could tell she hadn't considered that but she said she understood. I told DH what I said to her and he said good! Look at DH appreciating my input now that she is becoming a brat...
Don’t think this is going to stop
At 18. It will just be different. Different, problem, Different fights, Different fight with DH. More money needed. Wedding,,,more interaction with BM. You are paying for the wedding and BM is queen for the day.
I'm not saying it will just
I'm not saying it will just stop, but she will be out of our house at 18. That is the agreement, they do not get to live at home and freeload, they need to have a life plan and launch, and I do think she will go to college. If she wants to live at home at 18 she has her perfect mom.
Also, we did not grow up where our parents paid for our weddings...that's extremely rare where we come from. We got $1,000 from DH's parents and I got $100 from my dad. DH will have zero interaction with BM after she's 18. The OFW app will be deleted and there will be no means for communication since she is blocked on everything.
You honestly think too hard.
You honestly think too hard. I would have ignored her sending the schedule. That way after a few times of not getting a ride and not having food, she would have learned her lesson
Who cares if she doesnt send you her schedule. She will only do what she wants and only include her father in her thought process (at the most), you are inexistent
I have 3 SSs and 1 SD and 1 other boy that my husband considers like his son from BM1 and his friend. Let me tell you, boys are a million times harder. Girls will stay out of the way or simply stay with their mother and not come around if they dont like you. Boys on the other hand will torture you and can be violent. Boys as steps are 10 times harder to deal with in my experience
well stated
except sds can get agressive as well. But as to the staying with mother and keeping to themselves...yes.
Its different. They are
Its different. They are aggressive in speech and threats. They may talk back but if you ignore them, they will stay out of your way and generally prefer being with their mother. Unfortunately, boys go from 0 to 100 in a minute. Many SMs on the board have dealt with boys telling them to F off and getting dangerously close in their faces....thats when they dont actually assault you or hit you like I have experienced lol
Toxic male energy is demonic. Toxic female energy is evil lol you pick your poison
Boys, girls and agression
generalities.
yes, boys are generally more physical and girls are generally more verbal with their agression.
I pick no poison!
Definitely generalities
In my case SS is turning out to be way easier. For some, the girls are. Case by case basis. Of course it can never be that both of them are easy!
I had that scene in The
I had that scene in The Breakfast Club where Bender is arguing with the principal and he keeps getting more and more detention. LOL. I certainly hope he didn't cave. Once you get power over a teen girl, you don't let go it!
Good on you for having travelling as a solid excuse to miss all that skid time.
Lol
That scene is iconic! Gotta get that power! *lol*
A hugely important epiphany.
he should let her go because why should I be punished also?
We learned that some consequences punished us as much or more than they did SS.
So, rather than punishements/consequences that punished us as well as him, we made punishments focus only on him.
I have not raised girls. Only my SS. My parents had boys. So, my experience is boy.
My brother, has 3 kids. My niece is his eldest. My nephews are his #2 and #3.
My brother says raising young girls is far easier than raising young boys. He also said that switches when they hit their teens when boys become much easier and girls become far more difficult. That certainly is the case with his kids. My niece was a piece of work in her adlolescence, teens, and even early 20s. Underage clubbing, though not where they lived, a couple of MIP tickets in her first couple of years of university. She figured it out, but, it was a rough period for the whole family when she was in her know it all young adult girl phase. She is brilliant, beautiful, and very successful. She is approaching 30, has been married for 2+ years. My brother tried to enforce boundaries, my SIL is not a boundary person. Fortunately, my brother's parenting prevailed, though it was a closely run thing. My nephews have both been far easier to parent as young adults. No arrests, no drama. Interesting, my brother locked down on his boys much tighter as their elder sister was plying her young adult antics.
Sentences were our preferred punishment. SS wrote countless thousands of them over years. He wrote them every minute he was not sleeping, in school, or with his mom and I out and about. If we went out, he was with us. If we were in... and he was addressing consequences for his choices, he was in an otherwise empty climae controlled unused bedroom, in an antique wooden school writing desk, with a pen, ruled paper, and he wrote sentences. At the rate of 120-180 sentences per hour, in perfect handwriting, perfect grammar, perfect spelling, and perfect punctuation. If he stepped out to go to the bathroom, he still had to hit his hourly quota. If he walked into a room where we were watchign TV, we turned it off. Sentences ended after about 7th grade. After that, he was significantly more focused on telling the truth, and his group of friends.. That made consequeces easier to apply and far less frequent as a necessity. As he grew up, he made consistently better choices.
We learned to make sure that consequences for his choices did not punish us.
Find what works with SD-14. Let her go on the camping trip with her Aunt. Enjoy your trip, then she gets home, lock her electronics down, take any pleasant existance from her at home, she can go to work, school, and .... home lockdown.
Make it focus on her, and not be a detriment to you and DH.
At 14, there are any number of consequences that could prove effective. Social, fashion, financial, autonomy, etc....
Find what works. Use it.
Great points- Making sure the
Great points- Making sure the punishments don't also punish us. I would agree with girls are easier younger, then when they are teens it switches- that's what's happening in our case. SS was sneaky and lied a lot. SD was an angel and did neither of those. Now as a teen SS is pretty even- SD is hormonal and off the charts. Suicidal talk, cutting talk, and now that she's on meds she has done a 180 with all of that, but within the past few months she has become snarky and sassy and defiant. Every week she is here it's some sort of debacle that makes us ready for her to go back to her moms. Even DH said yesterday- I'm not sad that the snarky kid is going to be gone for 3 nights this weekend. Same DH, same.