The relationship you need
First time posting here but have been commenting for about a week. It feels good to have like-minded people going through the same thing.
Long story short, I have a 9 year old stepson that is challenging. Even his mom and grandparents say the same thing. Between the ADHD and the obnoxious behavior, it can be draining. I will say that he is a deep thinker and you can talk to him about adult things. He's very sweet to you unless your his stepfather haha. Anyone else is like a god to him.
My therapist told me that I should be okay with the relationship that I need and not what I want. This has been a game changer for me. The only thing I need with our relationship is mutual respect, understanding, and grace. I don't need him to love me, cuddle me, or revere me as his super hero. I used to want these things but now I don't. It is what it is. If he doesn't say I love you, I don't say it either. Our relationship has been much better.
All the stepparents on here should think that way. We all wanted our step kids to have a great relationship with us but as long as the bio-parents are blind to their actions, it won't change. We just need to have a basic relationship with them until they move on with their lives.
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I have a 9 yo stepdaughter
I have a 9 yo stepdaughter that is difficult as well. I feel the same just having respect would be good, but everything with her is a struggle. What we do, where we eat, ect.
RAP
During a troubled period, I told my DH, just remember those RAP songs, I want Respect, Affection and Peace. That's all I need.
I went into being a stepmom
I went into being a stepmom with all the best intentions and my SD liked me at first but then her mom poisoned her to my DH and I.
I decided that my SD could set the tone and pace of our relationship, if any. I wasn't going to push for anything but I would be receptive if she wanted it. As you said I expected us to be mutually kind and respectful.
This was also about the time I decided that being a stepmom was never going to be enough for me and I was certain I wanted kids of my own.
You're so right! This is what
You're so right! This is what my therapist said. He told me that my ss, even if he was young, just doesn't want the same relationship that your wife wants y'all to have and honestly I don't want a relationship like that with him at all! Never really did but my wife kept pushing it. I have a bio-son now and that's enough for me. My ss has enough people in his life that he will be fine. His mom used to try to make him say dad but he told me he just wanted to call me by my name. This was a relief because it felt awkward and forced when he did it once.