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The Joy of Disengagement

Badger1986's picture

Submitted by Badger1986 on Tue, 09/20/2022 - 6:58pm

Six months ago I disengaged from my ss. I was doing great until he pissed me off one day and I was right back into his trap. I've disengaged again and it feels great! This time I am smarter. My wife has been yelling at home for days. He hasn't been doing his homework, chores in a timely fashion, smarting off to her, and right now is upstairs not getting ready for bed (that's great with me if you want to miss your story time, more time for me)! I love it! My wife even had a talk with him today and said enough! Stop disrespecting me. I just listened and said, "well I think your mother said ir well."  I don't give a damn if he does well in school or not. Not my problem anymore. I'll just worry about my bio-child. Damn it feels good to see how much my wife wasn't parenting and I was the bad guy. Now they are turning on each other like an old western movie haha and me and my wife are getting along great! I'm not the scapegoat anymore!  

Comments

JRI's picture

Submitted by JRI on Tue, 09/20/2022 - 9:54pm

Keep it up!  Its better for all 3 of you to let this be between her and him.

Badger1986's picture

Submitted by Badger1986 on Wed, 09/21/2022 - 5:46am

It really has been! It's been soooo long since I just stayed out of it. My wife and I didn't even talk about his rudeness last night, we actually had a great conversation about reconnecting, since the baby is starting to grow some independece. Usually I would talk about ss but instead I focused on my wife and played a board game. It was really nice. 

grannyd's picture

Submitted by grannyd on Tue, 09/20/2022 - 10:35pm

Hurray, Hon! It appears that you've been listening. Trust me, the more you pull away from the negative dynamic between your partner and her son, the better your life will be (ask me how I know). 

I must confess that it's very satisfying to read a post from a StepTalker who mulls over the veteran advice that he/she requested. As a ST old-timer (with a few changes in ID over the years), I've been frustrated by importunate posters who beg for help yet not only refuse to consider the thoughtful suggestions that our members spend time and effort providing, but return with the same complaint. 

Good on ‘ya!

And BTW, Badger, there's a shortage of masculine experiences on this site so how's about you stick around and let us all know how the disengagement progresses? 

Badger1986's picture

Submitted by Badger1986 on Wed, 09/21/2022 - 5:54am

I've been on this site for about two years and it's helped a lot. I never posted because i felt as I was talking crap about my wife but then I started just being very honest with her and saying exactly what I think. It didn't always go over well but I had to do it. I think alot of men just deal with it. My friend is a stepfather and his marriage is about to end but he won't say it's because of his ss but it is. 
 

I think more men should be on this site and as you said take the advice. For me I had a unofficial step daughter once before I was married and she was a awesome but she was awesome because her mother let me parent her, so we never had any problems. 

When I came into my new relationship we were lo nc distance for a year and then we moved in together and we worked so much that the ss had after school care until 6:30 and bed time was 7:30, so I didn't see a lot of the warning signs for two years but that's not an excuse. 
 

Also I love my wife and I will NOT let a child ruin our marriage, especially one that will be always around but moving on in 10 years. 
 

But I think if people actually took the advice of the OGs on here it would be better for them! I've read your post as well and it helps me understand that I am not alone! 

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Tue, 09/20/2022 - 11:22pm

I am glad you have commited to investing in yourself rather than in the toxic relationship DW has with with your SS.

Badger1986's picture

Submitted by Badger1986 on Wed, 09/21/2022 - 5:59am

Thank you! My neighbor started doing this with her husband and it helped so much! Her husband even said it helped! She has tyrants as stepchildren. I'm getting very good at it though. If he doesn't eat his dinner, mom can cook it. Late for school because your playing a video game, mom can answer the phone call for absences, grandma wants to spoil a child that has everything he ever wanted, don't talk to me about his behavior when I spend time with you. I'm also very nice about it. If he talks to me I respond in a nice way, but I'm not super interested in his day.  "I may say, " how was piano class?" He used to say," the usual." And I would press him to have a dialogue, now I just say, "great!" And I go back to reading my book or working on a work project at home. It feels sooo good. I'm still learning but it feels sooo good!