Help Me Please
Good morning.
First, thank you for listening and any advice given is appreciated.
DH and BM have joint custody which was great when she lived local but now she lives an 1 to 1.5 hours away with her boyfriend. The kids go to school in our town, engage in sports activities here and all their friends are here. Mom has lived there for a couple of years and hasn't made friends with anyone or for her kids. My issue is she is always wanting to change the schedule, we are organized and schedule our life around having the kids. This has been going on for 5 years (the back n forth). She now has a new job that is 15 minutes from her house and 45 from the kids school, she thinks my husband she drive the kids to her in rush hour traffic 45 minutes one way and 45 (if lucky) back home during her weeks? I feel like he has given so much these last few years and never seems to be enough. She tells us she is the one to always get the short end of the stick. (but it is always about what is best for her and not what is best for the kids)....I was a single mom for 15 years and sacrifice is part of being a parent. Schedule options would be great..4 more years!
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She moved, she makes
She moved, she makes arrangements. If she can't then they need to revisit custody changes. It's going to be painful to put that boundary in place now because you've been trained by her to give in but if you want to control you life, you tell her no now.
This is great advice and was
This is great advice and was exactly what I was looking for "Boundaries"!!! Thank you!
***It's going to be painful to put that boundary in place now because you've been trained by her to give in but if you want to control you life, you tell her no now***.
The easiest way to minimize
The easiest way to minimize issues for everyone.. including HER is to stick to the agreed on schedule.. OR if there are issues that are regularly causing the current schedule to be unworkable.. then a reasonable effort to set up a schedule that WILL work is in order. (I mean for this.. if she is supposed to have Every other wednesday dinners and due to the distance or her work schedule that is impossible.. then maybe exploring her having the kids till monday AM and she takes them to school would be something to look at etc.. just an example).
BUT.. the bottom line is that if SHE moved away from the where the kids have grown up and go to school, then theoretically, she should be bearing more of the burden of any inconvenience that move brought on.. like extra driving. I don't think your DH should be doing any more than 50% of the transport.. and possibly less since she was the one that moved. So.. meet half way.. or him drive one way.. her the other etc..
In fact, it sounds like she is closer to the school than she is your home.. so maybe it would be easier for her to manage her pickups and drop offs from there directly instead of having the kids go home.. then one of them have to make the longer drive
i can sympathize with the making friends thing for her.. it's not always easy.. and her schedule may make it difficult.. or her personality may be introverted. And.. if the kids don't go to school in that area.. and if BM doesn't know people with kids.. that can be hard since it's not like the old days where you just went out and played with the kids in the neighborhood.
A few suggestions for schedules would take into account the distance and the relative difficulty in frequent long trips to have visitation. Generally, you could be making up for less time during the school year with longer visits during the summer. as one way to ensur the kids have time with her in quantity and quality.
But, it seems like an EOWE would not be unreasonable and when holidays during school end up being on a friday or monday.. those days could get added to her time.. and more of the break time.. or at least alternate.. then a longer stretch or two during the summer.
but.. every other weekend could look like her picking the kids up from school on Friday and then dropping them off Monday morning. Yes.. it's a bit of a drive but that would give her 3 overnights those weeks and the time spent in the car can be good time to keep up with your kids too.
It feels like any midweek visitation would be too intrusive on everyone's lives and esp on the kid's school work time.. and upset their natural schedule.. so I would avoid anything like that.. no matter who is willing to drive.
If she moved out of the kids' school district.. it doesn't seem fair to have the kids on the road for an entire week half the time.. they need their rest.. they need time to do homework etc.. and your DH should not have to make up for her decision to move.
I would only agree to keeping a 50/50 schedule if she agrees to make all the drives and commits to not making a lot of changes.. either she can live with this.. on those terms.. or they need to change.
We brought up keeping the 50
We brought up keeping the 50/50 of we would have them Monday - Thursday but she does not want to be a weekend mom. My husband would leave work before his work day was over to meet her by the interstate during her weeks to make it easier on her. The kids do not like having to wake up and go to bed so early because they have that long drive and then days that they have practice they stay with us anyways. My poor husband is so nce and accomadating, it's hard when he feels like her has no other choice to but to give in. BTW is what he just did.
Please tell him to stop this
Please tell him to stop this craziness right now. The onus is on HER to find a solution. After all, she only has to move back.. . Why should he be doing her any favours when the problem is of her making?
I am sure that even if she
I am sure that even if she loves her kids.. she cherishes some time of her own.. aka weekends kid free.. so offering something that would have the kids with her every weekend won't appeal to her.
I would approach the 50/50 a bit differently.. and it might not get all the way to 50/50.. but you could start from that place.
So.. let's start with during school.. about 25 weeks is what kids go (175 days.. just est).
So, if she were to have them for three overnights .. or maybe even FOUR. EVERY OTHER WEEK.. if she would agree to a Thursday after school to Monday morning.. she would be responsible for pick up and drop off and while the kids may not love getting up early on monday..and friday for her to get them to school.. it's only every other week.. so not a huge ask for them.
Let's say she does that 50% of the weeks and you do 4 days those weeks...that is 12.5x4 = 50days/182 days to get 50/50
Assume that there are some occasional monday's off that she will have.. and then fall and spring break she gets the majority of the time.. let's say that is another 10 days... so up to 60/182.. add another 10 week for the winter break.. so now up to 70 days of 182.
Let's add 8 weeks in the summer... that is another 56 days so up to 126/182 days at that point.
Then there is still a handfull of other days on the EOWE for the other 6 weeks or so of summer.. let's add another 15 days for that.. assuming you might have longer time because it is summer a few weekends. 141 days.. of 182. Yes.. it is a bit short of full 50/50.. but only by about 40 days.. AND.. it's likely if you start looking at a calendar.. you can whittle that down some too.
If you offered THAT and offered that you would not change any child support issues.. (no reduction no asking for any more)..she will still have her weekends.. she still has the kids almost 5050.. and the kids don't have to be driven during the school days except for the Thurs pickut.. Friday and Monday Drop off.. and she is only 45 min from school.. so that isn't a huge ask at that point.. and the kids can deal with that every other week.
It sounds like it is time to
It sounds like it is time to request some formal changes. Address her first and then file with the courts if she won't be reasonable. My exH is currently 3 hrs away. Our schedule is they go to his house:
She might agree to something similar. She is likely hanging on to 50/50 to prevent child support but if you guys are willing to waive CS just to have a consistent schedule and plan that allows the kids to still see mom but live their lives socially as well, she might just agree.
I do recommend playing hardball with driving to start. Whoever is picking the kids up does the driving- period. No meeting 1/2 way, no "I will do both next time", none of that. IF she can't handle picking them up, they don't go.
She's the one who moved, she
She's the one who moved, she gets the burden of the extra transportation.