I thought I was all alone in this thing they call stepparenting
I've just joined this site today and I must say it is very comforting knowing that I am not alone. In reading a lot of the writings I see that we all go through the same thing only that it involves different people.
My situation has been the same since day one. I feel as if my relationship never had a chance from the start. A month after dating my partner felt it necessary to have his children meet me. I did not want that so soon, I felt we should have waited at least a year. Only until the relationship was strong. Anyway, despite my better judgement I meet them, two girls. After that meeting it was the four of us together at all times. Their BM even had to come down and meet me (all after a month of just dating).
BM is capable of altering the plans as fast as the wind can change direction. Even when it's her turn to have them she doesn't show up until 7 or 8 at night (if we're lucky)
My relationship with this man has never had a chance to flourish. His kids, now teens, are ALWAYS around and when they are gone, they call constantly. SO MUCH has happened that I don't even interact with him or his kids when they're here with us. This relationship is doomed.
- kiarroyo's blog
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i know how you feel!
i am in the same boat. i cant type much now (bf is int he next room) but message me and we can trade war stories and maybe help each other get through this. this site is awesome and my safe-haven.
Wow! I want to say welcome to this site....
There are some great ladies here who can offer some great advice. I have tried other sites and they are horrible.
I certainly would try to sit down and talk with your man and let him know how you are feeling. He may be able to help make some adjustments if he knew how you feel about the whole situation.
Not saying that your are feeling negative - just maybe overwhelmed at how fast everyone was thrown together.
Thanks for the welcome, I
Thanks for the welcome, I hope to gain some good advice from everyone on here.
I have expressed myself to him. He's response was "Well, we need to move on from that. The past is the past" Meanwhile what he doesn't understand is that it's his past that has this relationship the way it is.
Yeah, that's the experience of a lot of people on here.
I think a very common thing is that the spouse/bf will essentially have the viewpoint that THEIR family situation is the center of the relationship, and that the gf/stepparent is the one that has to adapt to it. Especially if the gf doesn't have kids. I agree that your BF is basically saying, "Well, your feelings and needs are unimportant, and I don't feel like dealing with it. Your problems are your problems."
In order for a relationship to work, both partner's needs need to be equally important. It's a cop-out for one of the parties to say that it's the other person's responsibility to just magically "get over" it.
Maybe if he says that you need to "move on" from it, you could express to him that if it isn't dealt with as a couple, YOU will be moving on from it and making HIM your past. No threats, just honesty.
BB
- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)
Wow, your last comment
Wow, your last comment brought tears to my eyes.
I've been in this relationship (not even a marriage, just living together) for five years now. He will say different, he will say "she knew I was a father", "she needs to act like the adult", etc etc. He will say he's even defended me to his kids and whoever else I don't know.
I have always been made to feel second class. He doesn't understand that when he allows BM to come and get them at 7/8 o'clock at night (when it's her night), when he allows them to stop over (when they're supposed to be with mom) because they've forgotten something (ex, a blouse/skirt), etc etc that he is putting the relationship second. He is putting me second.
He tells me "they know BM is not really a mom like she is supposed to be" so I have to do everything. Well, practice makes perfect - BM will never learn to be a mom if he keeps making up for her crappy job.
oh, here is one you'll enjoy - one day two years ago BF sister, husband and kids were by visiting. When the BM dropped the girls off she asked for everyone to come outside and say hello (WHAT!)of course I was pissed, this is not her family anymore, it's supposed to be mine.
BF sister called me the next day and told me "quite frankly when we go to visit your at the lower end of the totem pole" we're there to see family. I responded to her "well then I guess you won't be visiting anymore because how do you tell the woman of the house it's not her house?" I'm sure you know that any relationship with that sister is null and void.
God.
That last story about your BF's family makes me FUME.
That last sentence is my signature line. (See below.) I "stole" it from something another poster on here wrote, when I first joined ST. Feeling second best and second class is something SOOOOO many of us have to grapple with in this situation. It's bad enough when a BM or SKids make you feel this way (or your BF's family). But when it's your BF/DH, too???!!!!?? :jawdrop: That is absolutely inexcusable.
"He will say different, he will say "she knew I was a father", "she needs to act like the adult", etc etc. " Oh. HELL. NO. You know what? He needs to realize that he is in a RELATIONSHIP. With a PARTNER. Would he have treated the BM like this when they were together? Of course not. So, why should ANY woman be expected to be treated like she's second best and comes last in everything?
I really suggest that you pick up a copy of the book Stepmonster. It does a lot to help people like you (and me) understand all the feelings that come with this complicated territory. I would get it, read it, and make your BF read it -- at least the chapter on Husbands and any other sections you think he should read. If that book does not make it clear to him why you are demanding change, then I think you have three choices:
1) Sign the two of you up for couples therapy.
2) If he refuses to go to therapy, cut your losses, be glad you aren't married, and find someone worth your time.
3) Stay in the situation as it is, and realize it will never change.
Kiarroyo, I'm pulling for you. Keep blogging here and let us know how it's going.
HUGS!!!!
BB
- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)
Thanks so much! I will pick
Thanks so much!
I will pick up a copy of the book ASAP.
As for this week the skids are here and as usual I enter into my cyber world because I don't want to interact with any of them.
THANK GOD FOR COMPUTERS!
Your situation sounds familiar
It's horrible to be married and be at the mercy of BM's latest whim. It's just sick that a mother can say things like:
*I've had the kids for a week. Aren't you taking them today? (Her week of vacation.)
*I have something to do. Can you drop them off at such-and-such a time? (5 hours later than set out in the custody decree that she fashioned around her owm schedule.)
But the really sick part of it that even when she has them, they're left to shift for themselves. They never brush their teeth. They don't brush their hair. They spend no time whatsoever with her.
So we're left with the question: Is it better for us to just take them, rather than let them bring themselves up over there? The end result is that we always have the kids. So I know exactly how you feel. And if you ever say anything about it, you don't want/like his kids. It's an awful situation!
Yes, I totally agree with
Yes, I totally agree with you! when I first met BF he went on and on about what good little girls he had (he is naive). He neglected to tell me how inconsistent and irresponsible the BM is.
When BF and BM divorced, BM left the two toddler girls to follow some other man. Hence the foundation had been set. Dad has been everything to these girls and when BM wanted to be involved (rare occasion) she would come and get them.
Here is ONE of many examples: The BM told us she'd be taking the girls on vacation for a week. The vacation was cancelled because - THE DOG GOT SICK so of course the girls came right back to us. The biggest fight erupted because my point of view was: Oh well, not my fault the dog got sick why do we get stuck with them, she said she'd take them well then she should keep them with her for the week. His argument: yeah but the children suffer
Childen suffer? they're still going to do their thing regardless of whose house they're at.
Anyway, it's too late. I've expressed how I feel about his children because it just needed to be said. His 14yr old is being raised to talk to adults in whatever manner she feels. Even when BF and I argue she comes in the middle of it to protect him as if she is my age (38) and we're in the bedroom arguing (STILL SHE WALKS RIGHT IN)
I am not going to allow a 14yr old to speak to me as if I am their counterpart, NO NO NO NO NO
I've expressed to him my dislike(to put it nicely) with his teens and his response is still the same, HE'S WORKING ON IT. We've been together 5 yrs and he's still working on it.
Hello and welcome
Nope, you are not alone at all. But look at the bright side, you are not married yet. My DH did not do that to me until after we got married. Now, you have a chance to decide if you want to go forward with the relationship knowing what you are getting in to.
First of all, are you serious about this man? If so, you need to have a serious talk. I would make a list of all your concerns. If you get married, will it be a real marriage? Will he put you first? Will he ask you before BM about issues impacting your life - like visitation and issues pertaining to money? Or is it, he has a life and you are just supposed to go along with it? If so, get the heck out now!!!!
How smart of you to do your research ahead of time--before marriage. I was blind sided by how involved the Mother was in my Divorced Husband's life and how she felt she had rights. I am concerned that your boyfriend has introduced you to this woman. Why? How involved is she going to be in your relationship? Check out the situation carefully, voice your concerns and then see what your boyfriend does. If he says he'll put you first but his actions say otherwise, I'd pay attention to what he does.
Also, I insisted to my husband that we have alone time. This is absolutely essential to grow a relationship. If he can't do that, why would you want to stay in this?
"Evil Stepmothers aren't born, it comes with the territory"
Hi, We've had so many
Hi,
We've had so many "situations" pertaining to the skids that when their names come out of my mouth he gets defensive and it's an instant argument (even over the small things) I just keep reminding myself that they are not my kids and that when I do have MY OWN they will not turn out like his.
The situation with his ex: what happened was we were going to pick up the girls from BM
when he called to let them know we were there one of the girls told him "oh mom wants to come down and give you something" (YEAH RIGHT! NOW ALL OF US WITH A BRAIN IN OUR HEAD KNOW EXACTLY WHY SHE WAS COMING DOWN)
THE ALONE TIME, AS FOR HOWEVER LONG WE ARE TOGETHER WILL BE AN ISSUE. He refuses to acknowledge it. Everytime they are supposed to be with BM something happens and they have to stop over, EVERYTIME. He tells me "oh they just run in and run out, no big deal". It is a big deal because they stop over EVERYTIME. He makes me seem unreasonable but I am not. If it happened every now and then I wouldn't care.