I found it very difficult in the beginning but not because I'm some kind of social butterfly.
It was because I'm not made that way-to disengage.
I always felt I had to be behind my spouse and be there for skid not for skid but as a helpmate to her father. If your intentions are true and good disengagement will feel very weird and wrong for a while. It took a good long while to adjust. I was met with much resistance and years of "extinction burst".
All I ever wanted was to be married and love everyone but unfortunately was not allowed to do so and after being on here a while finally figured out that my own husband, who without fail would always fling my ass under the bus like a piece of trash was the true root of the problem here.
I'm not the one who blew up her life. Her very own parents did. They did not care enough about each other or her to behave right and stay together and provide a loving and intact and healthy home. After they divorced they both tried to buy her off and created a monster.
In the end, I was disengaged from everyone who was not my blood including my husband who I cared for through two cancers he had twelve years apart. I no longer gave freely body heart soul and mind. I slammed up boundaries that are still in place even after his death. His family eventually will not be able to witness my heartache. We are just about done.
I had to disengage because I was disappearing trying to make all of the dysfunctional people around me happy.
You can't disappear to placate these people. They want their pound of flesh and they don't care where it comes from.
It was pretty easy, and I remember it as a clean, swift break.That's it. I'm done talking to and about him. Maybe it wasn't quite that easy, but I am not a social butterfly type and have no problem just clamming up when poked. The Thanksgiving holiday of 2019 was the last I've had any interaction at all with SS28, and that was because the gathering was held at my house. He and I didn't exchange much more than hi's and bye's. His GF, who was also a guest in my home that day, took her cues from him.
DH is the one who's having trouble with my disengagement. He seems to find it inconceivable that I would not welcome interaction with his charming young crotch dropping, and has only recently stopped pestering me about it.
I am not a fan of disengagement. To me it is abdication from a major part of life and of the partnership that two equity life partners have together.
So, I don't disengage. If a behavior is so intolerable that disengagement is even a thought then it is so intolerable that it needs to confronted, punished and destroyed in real time at the moment it occurs.
Lather.... rinse..... repeat.
IMHO of course.
As for it being anti-social... socializing in my mind is somethang that is predominantly done outide of the daily home routine and with an expanded social/friends network. Though, certainly in many family units, blended or otherwise, there are socializing activities that the members of the household participate it.
You don't do it, Rags, because you have the cajones to confront the vermin and put a stop to the crap! Most of the SMs here don't have a man like that, sadly.
I don't get why so many struggle with it. It is not something I put much, if any, thought into. It just is. Adults set and enforce the standards of behavior and performance for kids in the home/family regardless of kid biology. The individual sets and enforces the details of how they will be addressed and treated by others.
It is not complicated. It is and should be just one of those things that is. IMHO of course.
Cajones from the perspective of this topic are not a gender thing IMHO. They are a choice and anyone can and should apply the testicular fortitude necessary to get the purveyors of shit under control and keep them there. Whether they are kids, Xs, etc.....
Rags.. I super admire your advice. I refuse to "speak" up to my SD because, simply, she's got a serious personality disorder and she pretty much terrifies me. It's up to me to toughen up and not let her get to me, but the silence I have now from her drama and as her former punching bag is freeing. She's already moved on to new and ongoing dramas.
Have a proper normal relationship but would rather have a temporary fake relationship at all costs including sabotaging their relationship with their spouse or partners for their feral brats or the ferals would cut off all contact with them.
over 3 yrs ago i put my foot down and said i would never be in another relationship ever again with skids or have their toxic arses in my own home whilst raising my 2 minors so my husband was forced to buy another home for us put in my name since skids under command of bio mum were pestering him to transfer a property solely into their names because he owed them from divorcing their mum.
any and all bridges are burnt and hubby reminded his kids from ex (sd25, ss23 and sd15) that their own mum abandoned them, now claims she's about to die from some imaginary illness and when she isn't around and hubby isn't around, they have no positive role models to guide them, because they burnt all bridges with me and they are on their own.
hubby said they will always be his kids but his priority is to protect our 4 & 5 yr olds now and not raise them in a toxic mess.
even my ils see the big difference between skids and my 2 kids with hubby. Mind boggling they even share some dna
I'm with Rags, the main reason people need to disengage is because of their lousy partners who haven't disciplined their kids and tolerate untolerable behaviour. They also disrespect their partners by not standing with them as a team.
The only reason I'm still a step-parenting 14 years later is because my DH didn't do any of that. He has always made me feel a priority and accepts no crap from the skids, not that they have even given me any. We are a unified team and everyone else deserves the same so if your partners are not giving you that then move on as you are selling yourself short!
You are one lucky lady to have a spouse who puts you first and operates as a team with you. I have tried to have that, but It eludes me. My DH seems to enjoy the separateness he achieves between he and I when he has the chance to be with daughters. It causes me to feel he is only 75% loyal to me. It's a weird dynamic and never changes.
I agree that it takes time to figure out the level of disengagement that works for you. I haven't totally disengaged socially from the children - that would be so hard on them.
I do: go to the library and for lunch on Saturdays
have dinner together the nights that they are here
Remind them to do their chores
Remind them to bring everything they need to their moms
Show them how /where to do things as it comes up (eg. How to use the new sodastream)
I don't do these things (unless asked):
watch TV on the couch with them in the evening after putting my little ones to bed
Host playdates without my SO
Control their screen time when they're with me
Advise or suggest activities for them to do
Do their laundry
Buy their clothes (except presents)
Tell them to shower/brush hair /brush teeth
I tell them if they ask me for help I will always help them. It's just a matter of being more of a mentor / adult influence than parent. I will say that the children will never under stand your notices for doing things the way you do them and do not care at all about your mental health or self preservation or relationship with their parent because they are children! I try not to do anything that outright alienates or neglects them. But I also have a baby and a 3 year old so that also changes the dynamic and reduces the attention and emotional energy I can give them.
I found it easy to disengage. It seemed like it naturally happened during COVID. She was of course home 24/7 so her parents started seeing her problem behaviors. I quit taking SD to school (obviously). I stopped being responsible for her homework, waking up, getting ready etc. It wasn't my responsiblity to address those things. Like other posters on here, I would get tossed under the bus by DH, BM, and SD anytime I tried to step in and help. Either I was saying the wrong things, had the wrong "tone", or was going against their parenting rules. I am totally opposite of her parents. So it made it pretty easy for me to tell DH "agree to disagree" and you parent SD however you see fit. I decided to let go and not counterparent.
Slowly I stopped bringing up SD to DH. I stopped asking about his conversations with BM. Stopped asking about drop offs/pick ups. Basically everything. I started focusing on my life and our newborn instead. It has been great so far.
I have disengaged but to the point where I've closed the door but left the windows open. Meaning that I visit and interact but on a level I'm comfortable with when I feel like it. Sometimes I interact more than other times and sometimes not at all. The main thing is that I'm in charge and free to excuse myself if needed. Personally, I don't think disengagement has to be all or nothing, it can be whatever you feel for the situation. I often remind myself that these are DH's kids/grands; he's the main event and responsible for their feeding and comfort, I'm just here for comic relief!
The "never talk to SF' (me) game SD19 is playing just makes me dislike her more. She's using her mom as 'spokesperson'. I force myself to say 'hi' in a civil fashion around her BM. I may cut back on that when BM isn't around.
Anyhow. She is starting a receptionist job soon which will involve her interfacing with people other than her mom and some of them might be 'old' (er) than her. She will have to learn to do these totally brand new things:
a) pay attention to the world around her
b) talk to others louder than a whisper
c) not be staring at instagram when spoken to
d) not slouch on a sofa
e) not yawn directly in the face people speaking to her.
This may be an unpopular opinion, but i believe that the only reason disengagement is necessary is when either your partner has something wrong with them (guilt parent, tries to put all the work and childcare on you, enmeshed or won't stand up to their ex or mom, etc.) or the kids have something wrong with them (personality disorder or just so hard broke from past trauma or bad parenting), or maybe the ex is just so terrible that it's impossible to have enough boundaries to keep them from affecting you. To me, if you have to disengage, it's a last resort due to there being something "unfixable" in your situation. So yeah, it's not ideal.
That was me. I blamed SK2 for a long time but it's not his fault. I just couldn't deal with it or him anymore and I disliked him, but that was because I was always dealing with him some of the time on behalf of BM. He has a mum and dad to sort him out. I suppose the reason I did deal with stuff is because I wanted a healthy household and if you don't take the bull by the horns, as you can see from this forum, you end up with carnage and crap parenting.
I will say this though. I don't cook for adult SKIDS now, I don't clean up after them and my form of disengagement is basically putting EVERYTHING that the BM/BD should have to deal with on to them. I just don't get involved in any of the crap I mistakenly got involved with over the last 12 years. I wasn't schooled into how to be a step dad and although I would WHOLE HEARTEDLY tell anyone to avoind being a step parent, if they do choose that path then they should not try to parent, but personally I think that also leads to issues because the BIO might not be parenting as we would parent, whether through guilt or inept e.t.c. I would just advise not doing it.
There are different levels of disengagement, finding the right level is different for everyone.
great, WHEN I know and I am informed of their "play dates." When I know, I can make plans for myself, but DH rarely tells me because he doesn't want any flack, so it's usually thrust upon me at the last minute. Sometimes we will look out the window and one of the "adult" SKs shows up. I look at him like "who knew?"
Another aspect that made it tough for me was he talks about me to them, as this is how they bond, over their dysfunction. So knowing that will happen irregardless, and that he will never intervene or disagagree with them is a bitter pill to swallow.
The upside is, you don't have to put your eyes on their nasty asses anymore. You get to do something YOU want to do, WITH PEOPLE YOU WANT TO DO IT WITH.
Her loss. Let her live the consequences of her choices. She gets no access and no benefits of the family. When she gains humility and approaches hat in hand, set very strict phased hurdles for her to gain re-entry. Any failure to comply with those re-entry criteria, she is out for good.
For me it was very gradual and natural feeling because of COVID.
I stopped:
- helping with homework (DH was home for that)
- making lunches (no need to, turned into 'help yourself' during lunchtime)
- washing clothes
- "reminding" her for the 1000s time to brush hair, teeth, shower etc. It's not that she can't remember, she is just defiant and lazy. I let DH waste his breath on that one now
- stopped keeping track of drop offs/pick ups with BM
- talking about SD/BM less and less to DH
I began...
- focusing on myself
- kept DHs and I's conversations focused on our marriage.
- let go of the idea that by disengaging I was "failing" SD
- to realize that SD has TWO parents already in her life. And it's not my responsibility to pick up their pieces or counter their (lack) of parenting efforts
I viewed it as a way to save my sanity and also relationship with DH. Any time we fought, it was always over SD and BM. We don't even have those conversations anymore. It is very refreshing.
No actually I found it freeing not to have to talk to now AdultSkid anymore. I've been disengaged for many years. I think AdultSkid eventually preferred it. He obviously hates my guts and I can't stand him. If I was that lacking for conversation I'd make a friend or just have conversations with my husband.
at SK's anymore. It was so tense for so long, and though SD blew up and made a complete ass of herself, (without correction or redirection from daaaddeee) it was painful to be in the presence of, but it worked for the best for me. It took some time for me to realize it, but it was the "key in my pocket" or my "get out of emotional jail free" card.
I have never looked back, nor will I EVER invite that kind of toxicity back into my life. I am focused on ME, what brings ME joy, and what matters to ME. I spent so many years putting DH's wishes, happiness and desires above my own, even when I was miserable because of it. In THAT moment, when she was screaming unrelentlessly at me, and he chose to DO NOTHING, I had an epiphany moment, and decided never, ever, to PUT HIS WISHES AND HIS HAPPINESS ABOVE MY OWN. I saw with perfect clarity exactly where I stood and where he placed me on the marital/relational totem pole.
You're right on...it is SO FREEING! I feel as if the Anvil( in "The Roadrunner" cartoon that landed on the coyote's head) has been lifted off mine!
I agree that for adult skids, disengaging can be great. In the reply above when i said disengaging is a last resort, i meant with minor children who live in your home. I fully plan to completely disengage with the 2 personality-disordered 20-somethings!
I disengaged from now AdultSkid when AdultSkid was a minor. At some times he was always here. It was my first resort not my last. The writing was on the wall and I finally read it. It saved my marriage and my kids get to have their parents stay together. I had realized I could not be responsible for skid and he wasn't going to change. My disengagement shows. But it's not my fault. It was never going to work me trying to be engaged and be his parent.
Agreed. It's not in my normal behavior to disengage with anyone in my circle. However, I've been doing some reading, and recognize that my expectations as SM our irrational. I am expendable.
Not a very nice place to be, granted, but there it is.
I found it very difficult in
I found it very difficult in the beginning but not because I'm some kind of social butterfly.
It was because I'm not made that way-to disengage.
I always felt I had to be behind my spouse and be there for skid not for skid but as a helpmate to her father. If your intentions are true and good disengagement will feel very weird and wrong for a while. It took a good long while to adjust. I was met with much resistance and years of "extinction burst".
All I ever wanted was to be married and love everyone but unfortunately was not allowed to do so and after being on here a while finally figured out that my own husband, who without fail would always fling my ass under the bus like a piece of trash was the true root of the problem here.
I'm not the one who blew up her life. Her very own parents did. They did not care enough about each other or her to behave right and stay together and provide a loving and intact and healthy home. After they divorced they both tried to buy her off and created a monster.
In the end, I was disengaged from everyone who was not my blood including my husband who I cared for through two cancers he had twelve years apart. I no longer gave freely body heart soul and mind. I slammed up boundaries that are still in place even after his death. His family eventually will not be able to witness my heartache. We are just about done.
I had to disengage because I was disappearing trying to make all of the dysfunctional people around me happy.
You can't disappear to placate these people. They want their pound of flesh and they don't care where it comes from.
Not difficult at all for me
It was pretty easy, and I remember it as a clean, swift break.That's it. I'm done talking to and about him. Maybe it wasn't quite that easy, but I am not a social butterfly type and have no problem just clamming up when poked. The Thanksgiving holiday of 2019 was the last I've had any interaction at all with SS28, and that was because the gathering was held at my house. He and I didn't exchange much more than hi's and bye's. His GF, who was also a guest in my home that day, took her cues from him.
DH is the one who's having trouble with my disengagement. He seems to find it inconceivable that I would not welcome interaction with his charming young crotch dropping, and has only recently stopped pestering me about it.
There are different levels of
There are different levels of disengagement, you just have to find what works for you and what you are comfortable with.
I am not a fan of
I am not a fan of disengagement. To me it is abdication from a major part of life and of the partnership that two equity life partners have together.
So, I don't disengage. If a behavior is so intolerable that disengagement is even a thought then it is so intolerable that it needs to confronted, punished and destroyed in real time at the moment it occurs.
Lather.... rinse..... repeat.
IMHO of course.
As for it being anti-social... socializing in my mind is somethang that is predominantly done outide of the daily home routine and with an expanded social/friends network. Though, certainly in many family units, blended or otherwise, there are socializing activities that the members of the household participate it.
You don't do it, Rags,
You don't do it, Rags, because you have the cajones to confront the vermin and put a stop to the crap! Most of the SMs here don't have a man like that, sadly.
I don't get why so many
I don't get why so many struggle with it. It is not something I put much, if any, thought into. It just is. Adults set and enforce the standards of behavior and performance for kids in the home/family regardless of kid biology. The individual sets and enforces the details of how they will be addressed and treated by others.
It is not complicated. It is and should be just one of those things that is. IMHO of course.
Cajones from the perspective of this topic are not a gender thing IMHO. They are a choice and anyone can and should apply the testicular fortitude necessary to get the purveyors of shit under control and keep them there. Whether they are kids, Xs, etc.....
I admire you
Rags.. I super admire your advice. I refuse to "speak" up to my SD because, simply, she's got a serious personality disorder and she pretty much terrifies me. It's up to me to toughen up and not let her get to me, but the silence I have now from her drama and as her former punching bag is freeing. She's already moved on to new and ongoing dramas.
Its the disney guilty parent syndrome that they don’t
Have a proper normal relationship but would rather have a temporary fake relationship at all costs including sabotaging their relationship with their spouse or partners for their feral brats or the ferals would cut off all contact with them.
over 3 yrs ago i put my foot down and said i would never be in another relationship ever again with skids or have their toxic arses in my own home whilst raising my 2 minors so my husband was forced to buy another home for us put in my name since skids under command of bio mum were pestering him to transfer a property solely into their names because he owed them from divorcing their mum.
any and all bridges are burnt and hubby reminded his kids from ex (sd25, ss23 and sd15) that their own mum abandoned them, now claims she's about to die from some imaginary illness and when she isn't around and hubby isn't around, they have no positive role models to guide them, because they burnt all bridges with me and they are on their own.
hubby said they will always be his kids but his priority is to protect our 4 & 5 yr olds now and not raise them in a toxic mess.
even my ils see the big difference between skids and my 2 kids with hubby. Mind boggling they even share some dna
I'm with Rags, the main
I'm with Rags, the main reason people need to disengage is because of their lousy partners who haven't disciplined their kids and tolerate untolerable behaviour. They also disrespect their partners by not standing with them as a team.
The only reason I'm still a step-parenting 14 years later is because my DH didn't do any of that. He has always made me feel a priority and accepts no crap from the skids, not that they have even given me any. We are a unified team and everyone else deserves the same so if your partners are not giving you that then move on as you are selling yourself short!
Disengaged
You are one lucky lady to have a spouse who puts you first and operates as a team with you. I have tried to have that, but It eludes me. My DH seems to enjoy the separateness he achieves between he and I when he has the chance to be with daughters. It causes me to feel he is only 75% loyal to me. It's a weird dynamic and never changes.
Yes it's hard
I agree that it takes time to figure out the level of disengagement that works for you. I haven't totally disengaged socially from the children - that would be so hard on them.
I do: go to the library and for lunch on Saturdays
have dinner together the nights that they are here
Remind them to do their chores
Remind them to bring everything they need to their moms
Show them how /where to do things as it comes up (eg. How to use the new sodastream)
I don't do these things (unless asked):
watch TV on the couch with them in the evening after putting my little ones to bed
Host playdates without my SO
Control their screen time when they're with me
Advise or suggest activities for them to do
Do their laundry
Buy their clothes (except presents)
Tell them to shower/brush hair /brush teeth
I tell them if they ask me for help I will always help them. It's just a matter of being more of a mentor / adult influence than parent. I will say that the children will never under stand your notices for doing things the way you do them and do not care at all about your mental health or self preservation or relationship with their parent because they are children! I try not to do anything that outright alienates or neglects them. But I also have a baby and a 3 year old so that also changes the dynamic and reduces the attention and emotional energy I can give them.
Thanks, good range of advice
Thanks, good range of advice here.
That's been helpful. I want to avoid feeling a fool for trying to engage
So I will keep the effort low so I won't feel foolish. If I FEEL like saying something I will but will keep effort minimal.
I feel disengagement. is paying off a little (SD18 actually spoke to me today)
so will keep it up.
Thanks.
I found it easy to disengage.
I found it easy to disengage. It seemed like it naturally happened during COVID. She was of course home 24/7 so her parents started seeing her problem behaviors. I quit taking SD to school (obviously). I stopped being responsible for her homework, waking up, getting ready etc. It wasn't my responsiblity to address those things. Like other posters on here, I would get tossed under the bus by DH, BM, and SD anytime I tried to step in and help. Either I was saying the wrong things, had the wrong "tone", or was going against their parenting rules. I am totally opposite of her parents. So it made it pretty easy for me to tell DH "agree to disagree" and you parent SD however you see fit. I decided to let go and not counterparent.
Slowly I stopped bringing up SD to DH. I stopped asking about his conversations with BM. Stopped asking about drop offs/pick ups. Basically everything. I started focusing on my life and our newborn instead. It has been great so far.
I have disengaged but to the
I have disengaged but to the point where I've closed the door but left the windows open. Meaning that I visit and interact but on a level I'm comfortable with when I feel like it. Sometimes I interact more than other times and sometimes not at all. The main thing is that I'm in charge and free to excuse myself if needed. Personally, I don't think disengagement has to be all or nothing, it can be whatever you feel for the situation. I often remind myself that these are DH's kids/grands; he's the main event and responsible for their feeding and comfort, I'm just here for comic relief!
Again good responces
Again good responces
Thanks
Yeah the do it "on your own
Yeah the do it "on your own terms" method seems good.
Well.....
Well.....
The "never talk to SF' (me) game SD19 is playing just makes me dislike her more. She's using her mom as 'spokesperson'. I force myself to say 'hi' in a civil fashion around her BM. I may cut back on that when BM isn't around.
Anyhow. She is starting a receptionist job soon which will involve her interfacing with people other than her mom and some of them might be 'old' (er) than her. She will have to learn to do these totally brand new things:
a) pay attention to the world around her
b) talk to others louder than a whisper
c) not be staring at instagram when spoken to
d) not slouch on a sofa
e) not yawn directly in the face people speaking to her.
Or get fired.
This may be an unpopular
This may be an unpopular opinion, but i believe that the only reason disengagement is necessary is when either your partner has something wrong with them (guilt parent, tries to put all the work and childcare on you, enmeshed or won't stand up to their ex or mom, etc.) or the kids have something wrong with them (personality disorder or just so hard broke from past trauma or bad parenting), or maybe the ex is just so terrible that it's impossible to have enough boundaries to keep them from affecting you. To me, if you have to disengage, it's a last resort due to there being something "unfixable" in your situation. So yeah, it's not ideal.
That was me. I blamed SK2 for
That was me. I blamed SK2 for a long time but it's not his fault. I just couldn't deal with it or him anymore and I disliked him, but that was because I was always dealing with him some of the time on behalf of BM. He has a mum and dad to sort him out. I suppose the reason I did deal with stuff is because I wanted a healthy household and if you don't take the bull by the horns, as you can see from this forum, you end up with carnage and crap parenting.
I tried it and it really didn
I tried it and it really didn't work for me.
I will say this though. I don't cook for adult SKIDS now, I don't clean up after them and my form of disengagement is basically putting EVERYTHING that the BM/BD should have to deal with on to them. I just don't get involved in any of the crap I mistakenly got involved with over the last 12 years. I wasn't schooled into how to be a step dad and although I would WHOLE HEARTEDLY tell anyone to avoind being a step parent, if they do choose that path then they should not try to parent, but personally I think that also leads to issues because the BIO might not be parenting as we would parent, whether through guilt or inept e.t.c. I would just advise not doing it.
There are different levels of disengagement, finding the right level is different for everyone.
Yes disengaging is difficult
Yes disengaging is difficult for me for the same reason.
Initially, yes. Any change takes time to adjust to, but now it's
great, WHEN I know and I am informed of their "play dates." When I know, I can make plans for myself, but DH rarely tells me because he doesn't want any flack, so it's usually thrust upon me at the last minute. Sometimes we will look out the window and one of the "adult" SKs shows up. I look at him like "who knew?"
Another aspect that made it tough for me was he talks about me to them, as this is how they bond, over their dysfunction. So knowing that will happen irregardless, and that he will never intervene or disagagree with them is a bitter pill to swallow.
The upside is, you don't have to put your eyes on their nasty asses anymore. You get to do something YOU want to do, WITH PEOPLE YOU WANT TO DO IT WITH.
Disengagement=self-preservation. Get there!
Yeah. It pisses me off that
Yeah. It pisses me off that SD19 doesn't want to be part of and buy into our blended family. But I need to get past that.
Her loss. Let her live the
Her loss. Let her live the consequences of her choices. She gets no access and no benefits of the family. When she gains humility and approaches hat in hand, set very strict phased hurdles for her to gain re-entry. Any failure to comply with those re-entry criteria, she is out for good.
For me it was very gradual
For me it was very gradual and natural feeling because of COVID.
I stopped:
- helping with homework (DH was home for that)
- making lunches (no need to, turned into 'help yourself' during lunchtime)
- washing clothes
- "reminding" her for the 1000s time to brush hair, teeth, shower etc. It's not that she can't remember, she is just defiant and lazy. I let DH waste his breath on that one now
- stopped keeping track of drop offs/pick ups with BM
- talking about SD/BM less and less to DH
I began...
- focusing on myself
- kept DHs and I's conversations focused on our marriage.
- let go of the idea that by disengaging I was "failing" SD
- to realize that SD has TWO parents already in her life. And it's not my responsibility to pick up their pieces or counter their (lack) of parenting efforts
I viewed it as a way to save my sanity and also relationship with DH. Any time we fought, it was always over SD and BM. We don't even have those conversations anymore. It is very refreshing.
No actually I found it
No actually I found it freeing not to have to talk to now AdultSkid anymore. I've been disengaged for many years. I think AdultSkid eventually preferred it. He obviously hates my guts and I can't stand him. If I was that lacking for conversation I'd make a friend or just have conversations with my husband.
Likewise. It is very gratifying not having to speak to, or look
at SK's anymore. It was so tense for so long, and though SD blew up and made a complete ass of herself, (without correction or redirection from daaaddeee) it was painful to be in the presence of, but it worked for the best for me. It took some time for me to realize it, but it was the "key in my pocket" or my "get out of emotional jail free" card.
I have never looked back, nor will I EVER invite that kind of toxicity back into my life. I am focused on ME, what brings ME joy, and what matters to ME. I spent so many years putting DH's wishes, happiness and desires above my own, even when I was miserable because of it. In THAT moment, when she was screaming unrelentlessly at me, and he chose to DO NOTHING, I had an epiphany moment, and decided never, ever, to PUT HIS WISHES AND HIS HAPPINESS ABOVE MY OWN. I saw with perfect clarity exactly where I stood and where he placed me on the marital/relational totem pole.
You're right on...it is SO FREEING! I feel as if the Anvil( in "The Roadrunner" cartoon that landed on the coyote's head) has been lifted off mine!
I agree that for adult skids,
I agree that for adult skids, disengaging can be great. In the reply above when i said disengaging is a last resort, i meant with minor children who live in your home. I fully plan to completely disengage with the 2 personality-disordered 20-somethings!
I disengaged from now
I disengaged from now AdultSkid when AdultSkid was a minor. At some times he was always here. It was my first resort not my last. The writing was on the wall and I finally read it. It saved my marriage and my kids get to have their parents stay together. I had realized I could not be responsible for skid and he wasn't going to change. My disengagement shows. But it's not my fault. It was never going to work me trying to be engaged and be his parent.
I get it. Some situations are
I get it. Some situations are so bad, it's the only way.
Agreed. It's not in my normal
Agreed. It's not in my normal behavior to disengage with anyone in my circle. However, I've been doing some reading, and recognize that my expectations as SM our irrational.
I am expendable.
Not a very nice place to be, granted, but there it is.
Disengaging
For me its like a second job!
When SD15 backstabber is here, Im on eggshells.
See my Blog post about Bad Bunny and his reaching out from the beyond...