Whoops! Autistic son reads my private messages about SD TO SD!!
Oh dear.
DS12 has some aspergers ish challenges. Breaking with my normal privacy protocol I (foolishly) let him use my laptop for homework for a short period while I was called away. (He would normally never get access to It)
Well he is very nosey. He studied a message conversation between myself and SD18's BM.
Whoops!!!!
Feeling it was "not fair for me to talks about SD behind her back" he TOLD HER several points of the private discussion!!!!
BM says SD18 is upset / offended I am "so judgmental".
BM then demands I APOLOGISE to SD!
For what I said in a private conversation?
No way!!! (Mostly it was my 'judgement' she acts too childish for her age and is too dependant on anti depressants and BM)
I aid I would only talk to SD if BM was witness. Well of cource that never happens. By evening the subject was dropped.
But high drama there for a few hours!!
Silent /"tumbleweed" SD hasn't mentioned it since.
I agree with the comments,
I agree with the comments, you have to be SO careful, anything you put down in 'black and white' could end up coming back to bite you on your ass. I have NO social meadia, I hate it personally and it causes more trouble. They know what you said now and you can't change/erase that. I think you do need to talk to your son about boundaries, and I'm sorry, if that's a no-go and he's unable to comprehend - never let him have access again.
Or, you can stand by (and own) what you've said - as it must be what you really think, and she'll have to deal with it. You may actually get more respect for doing the latter.
Now is a good time to teach
Now is a good time to teach your son about privacy and the consequences of "sharing" other people's private conversations with somebody else. Your son needs to be held accountable for his actions. As for your private conversation with BM had your son never snooped SD would be none the wiser, so no apologies to her are necessary.
I own what said privately
I own what said privately about SD18 so no apology there.
I thought I had made it clear that a freak set of events caused me to drop my guard momentarily.
Yes social skills / privacy lessons for my 'spectrum' DS are on tbe agenda this weekend
To be more clear, I posted this more as a lighthearted clamamity / bump in the road share to bond with this community than to seek advice or sympathy.
Sure, it's totally obvious.
Never (ever) let nosey ASD DS near any private data devices again.
Teach ASD DS about privacy
Depressed SD18 gets offended about everything anyway (!) including comments about her
Sleeping untill 3pm
Not getting counseling
Never lifting a finger to help BM
Flicking through instagram while her mother talks to her
Yawning in our faces when we talk.
Never cleaning up after herself (leaves a trail of debris in every room)
Part of me is glad she knows I think she's stuck in a rut of childish behavior.
Anyhow I will keep on at BM to send her to counciling and will step up to do the proper dad thing with ASD DS.
Pravacy chat with DS had some
Pravacy chat with DS had some pushback but DS got the point eventually I think.
Make it a regular chat and it
Make it a regular chat and it will eventually sink in.
:)
Dang!
BM still very very stressed over this.
Feels she must rewrite the narrative to asuage SD18's dinged ego (for being judged as 'childish')
BM tried (again) this am to insist that I go 'apologise' to SD18.
(Which won't happen)
I told BM that I am willing for the 3 of us to have an 'open discussion' about the content of the private messages but only on the condition she (BM) is present. She finds this condition 'unreasonable' and vehemently disagrees that she needs to be present.
(She absolutely DOES need to be there or SD will accuse me of saying 'horrible things' to her in private.)
Anyhow this is headed to an (IMHO) ill advised, forced summit meeting where I describe to SD spesific incidents where SD has behaved childishly.
Preciction 1 - SD will start crying (childishly) and BM will rail at me for being a cruel person that hasn't swept SD'S shortcomings under the carpet.
Alternate prediction 2 - as I insist BM be present for it, she might shy away from this 'accountability workshop' for fear of her daughter having to face her own behavior. Also the meeting might require SD18 to speak to me - and she doesn't do that (although her spokesperson may do all the talking)
BM thinks I am 'not grown up' for refusing to fall to my knees in front of SD and apologise for a private conversation. (That's a joke!)
Bummer, I thought this had blown over. but no SD's ego must be avenged.
Depressing thing is if there is a choice between protection of SD's fragile ego (mental health?) vs BM's and my relationship....
...SD Protection will win every time.
I worry moves to sweep ME under the carpet might be in BM & SD's future. Blood is thicker than water. Depressing.
Your SD needs to understand
Your SD needs to understand that all parents discuss their children. Both their brilliant moments and their struggles. Totally normal.
Your main problem seems to be that the girl's mother refuses to parent.
I do think SD deserves an apology that your DS delivered this personal information inappropriately, but if you stand by what you said then she needs to hear your concerns about her behavior. Or does her mother not share those same concerns? Or just too afraid to discuss them openly with her daughter?
I would find it very odd to have a conversation like that without the bio parent present and I wouldn't do it.
OK. Still a burning issue.
OK. Still a burning issue.
BM called her councillor over it. (That serious)
Councillor says - If SD18 wants to talk to her mother in a quiet little girl voice and ask her mom to go with her to do adult tasks.... ... This apparently, is a "mom & daughter thing" and I should not preside over this behavior (ie - in judgement that it's childish.)
I can accept that I suppose. Leave mom & DD to interact in "their style".
Allegedly my (reported) dim view of it (lumped in with her general lack of adult behavior progress) has potential to be "seriously damaging". Riiiight.
Anyhow, I think the BM might take her "glass" (depressed on anti depressants) DD with her and leave me over all of this.
And if she left you, would
And if she left you, would that be a bad thing? Seriously ponder this.
Another big fight over it.
Another big fight over it.
Anyhow. I am.not going to apologise.
I figured this out.
SD will hopefully think twice about pouty face / baby voice pleading with BM in front of me. I find it (judge it?!) to be REALY ANNOYING especially when SD's baby voice pleading is either to have something done for her like a child or for her not to have to do something (that an adult would do)
I hope in future they consider enacting that particular mother / child double act in private.
SD and mother dislike the 'boundary' of my (regular adult) behavior wish. SD wants the 'behave like a child' and the 'twist mom round her little finger' option door left open. BM also wants her made of glass, depressed DD to never feel bad'.
fine, but if it continues to get played out in front of me - they may have to issue me with air sickness bags.
Keep rubbing both of their
Keep rubbing both of their noses in it and they will either knock it off... or they will leave.
No appology is necessary from you. Why they do it really makes no difference. It is codependent bullshit and they can act it out somewhere other than in front of you.
Zero tolerance. Total confrontation. The one who has the most staying power wins.
So ... win.
There is a chance they will stop it, SD-18 will move out, and you can salvage your marriage. I would not want to salvage it as you describe it. But... it could happen.
I nearly brought it up today
I nearly brought it up today but the best I could imagine was
"my ASD DS should not have shared that private info with you and "I am sorry you felt offended by it".
But I won't say "I am sorry for saying you behave like a child".
because she does.
anyhow another day has gone by. perhaps the war is over.
if I speak on it for longer than a short while I am concearned I will veer into passive aggressive and basically be saying "if you want to talk like a baby-waby to your mummy-wummy you are free to"
Dude
You do know baby SD will milk this forever with mommy. You are the bad guy who hurt the princess baby's fee fee's.
Glad you arent bending to DW pressure to speak solely to SD, that in itself is a set up. BTDT I once had a head to head with ex SD at 19. Oh flip..she lied to big daddio after and said I called her names and yelled. What the freck she obviously is a mind reader. I was composed on the outside but the inside I was swearing like no lady would .
Stick to your guns. Its two against one, but you can handle this.
Next time BM brings it up
Next time BM brings it up about apologizing I would ask her if you could read some of her texts between she and SD, or between she and friends/family. Ask her if you happen to find her saying anything you don't like about you or your son will she willingly apologize or will she feel her privacy was violated?
Honestly if she's wiling to leave your over something this trivial then she's the ridiculous one and no wonder her daughter is the simpering wimp who can't handle life. She get it from her mama.
I like the "demand an apology" tactic.
IMHO OP should counter any push for him to appologize with a demand for a joint face to face apology from DW and SD for bringing their drama and crap to the marriage.
Lather..... rinse ....., repeat.
What OP said in his texts and emails is not wrong or worthy of an appology. Of course for OP the learning is.... password protect all of your texts and email apps on his phone so when he does give it to his DS for entertainment he cannot enter those apps.
Big thanks for the solidarity
Big thanks for the solidarity and support.
Means a lot to me.
Much appreciated.