Girl, RUN!!!  Listen to the people on this board.  They give good advice.  RUN RUN RUN!!!!!

(For the other posters - a little shout out to SayNo!)

Im thinking about moving there soon, but have hesitations.

Please on everything you love follow your instincts. You have hesitation for a reason and are valid in them. He parents out of guilt which is such a huge red flag and has an X that is already starting problems. Is he even addressing that and the behavior of his daughters? For you to uproot and move from your support and all that you know with these red flags is not a good idea. You can continue dating him from a distance and see if things improve but honey once you move in you'll be in for a horrific ride. Take heed don't deny your gut feelings on this.

If you move, get your own place and date locally for a while before you make any decisions.  Long-distance relationships aren't really the same. 

Your middle paragraph, the one beginning, "the BM has been acting out...." could have been written by me, back in 2002, aside from the fact that NPD BM didn't get a boyfriend till the following year.   Four nights a week is a LOT of time to have your SKIDs present in the house if you don't get on with them.  It worked out ok for me in the end, but I had 10+ years of hell before I got to that point.  IMHO, I wouldn't move in.  Maybe move to his town and have your own place there, see how things pan out. 

Save yourself and your sanity, you are used to your life and lifestyle; do not sacrifice it for little people who will never appreciate what you are bringing to the table.

With daddy everything is free game, move in and your things will become community property.

Don't do it!

And you are not living there.  It’s only going to get worst if you move in.  When all of you are together who decided on what you do.  You, BF. You and BF. Or the SK.  What you watch on TV,  where you go out to eat. Who has control???

Just run, please please please! 

Six months isn't NEARLY enough time to get to know someone who lives down the street, much less someone online. At this point, you're both still on your best behavior, and you have no idea what heartache being with him would cause you.

You are single, childfree, and self supporting. You are a catch, girl!. So why would you want to settle for a relationship where you make all of the sacrifices and he gets all of the benefits? Where you'll be expected to put up with his bratty kids, and endure his High Conflict ex who will be dripping poison into her bios' ears and teaching them to hate you?

It sounds like you have a great life and great friends in Toronto, so why give that up to move to a different city where you'll be expected to become an Instamom and spend Friday nights at home cleaning up after someone else's brats while listening to some crap blaring on the Disney channel?

You and this man are at very different places in life, and you are out of his league. If you want a family, find a nice childless Toronto guy and create one of your own instead of trying to fit into someone else's.

Oh, good Lord, no.

Please keep in mind you don't know someone until you've lived with them for at least a year. My ex and I met under similar circumstances as you did (online, long distance). We did a lot of travelling and dates together which were fantastic. We had talked to one another online for several months before meeting and I was convinced I had met my soulmate. Fastforward to 5 years later and we are no longer together. He turned out to be verbally and emotionally abusive and unfaithful. His mask did not slip until we were living together for nearly a year. I had discovered he was talking to several other women online and had an inappropriate relaitonship with his ex still which he very carefully hid from me yet I still stayed with him. MIstake number one on my part. He got very angry for confronting him. It also did not help matters that his children, who were very nice and great to me in the beginning, became the complete opposite towards me when they got a little older. I never did enough for them and nothing was ever good enough for them. Suddenly they turned on me because they wanted their dad to themselves once they got older and realized I was there for good. His kids would spy on me, make up stories about me, and cause problems between the two of us and he would always side with them. This really hurt me as I was nothing but nice to his kids and so much of me tried my very best to please them. They also became brats because I was not allowed to discipline them and he rarely did. This caused major problems in our relationship. Before you move do your homework. Get to know his back story(and not just the verison he is telling you), his ex, spend plenty of time with his kids and his family, and I'm not just talking a week or two here or there, I'm talking about being around his kids every single day for months at a time. Do his kids live with him? Get to know his financial situation. Does he have any debt? Red flag number 1. It sounds like he is looking for a full time sitter and free nanny with benefits. You are at the age where you can find a childless man. If you like older men there are older childless men or older men with grown children.  Do not waste your life. Stepmom life is horrible. You may not thinking it now because you are in the honeymoon stage but you will a few years down the road. Trust me. Been there done that. His kids will make or break your relationship and the vast majority of the time it is break judging by the divorce rate of second marriages and marriages with children from previous relaitonships. Also there is a reason why these people are divorced. Many are abusive but hide it very very well in the beginning. Many are bipolar or have mental health issues they hide very well as well. Many are unfaithful or lack boundaries with the opposite sex. Talk to his ex and find out the real story.

Please listen to the good advice and experiences here. Don’t do this. 

My DH and I had a long distance relationship. I spent time with him, he spent time we me, and we traveled together. We waited to marry until our kids were out of high school. 

There was STILL major difficulty with his grown ass kids when we married. I wouldn’t wish it on anybody. 

If you won’t take our advice because your guy is just so awesome (group gag here from long-time members), get your own place and your own job and date a whole lot longer. 

Let us know what you decide. 

My advice to you is if you decide to move for him, is to get your own place, job, etc. so if things do not work out you are not stuck. It is also so you can get to know his kids, him and his overall situation a lot better. 6 months is way too soon to be moving that far for someone. His kids ages are at the age where they are going to be very needy and once you do move in and they see you are a permanenet fixture in daddy's life prepare for them to do a 180 and make your life h$ll. Steplife isn't for the faint of heart, Also why is he divorced? What is his financial situation like? What is the situation with the ex like? You might want to seriously look into these things.

Hey Ms Mary, next time you book a flight from Toronto to Vancouver, find a flight with a stop-over in Calgary.

Then get off the plane in Calgary and walk toward "Arrivals". 

Its an awesome airport, its been renovated and everything. 

Anyhoo, go to Arrivals and look for a petite brunette (Me). 

Then stand still while I knock some GD sense into you.

Then we'll go out for some cocktails.

He's 35, has two kids and is divorced. You are 26 and childfree. Do you think he may be taking advantage of you because you are young and naive? Stepmom life is horrible. I know from experience and was once in your shoes. Everything was great the first couple of years then it all went south. Once the honeymoon stage is over and you have been around his kids for several years come back on here and let us know how happy you are. Something to also keep in mind is the majority of these dads are broke and need someone to help them out.  They also need someone to help them with their kids. Don't say we didn't warn you. Looking back these men are so selfish. They really should not be looking for a serious relationship when their kids are that age. Instead looking to hire a nanny and looking for a second/better job for themselves. If they have any free time they should be looking to date casually only. However expecting someone to move in with them and take care of their kids is just selfish. It isn't fair to the kids either.

With what you've described, I would only move to Vancouver if I wouldn't be leaving my friends and family behind, if I had a comparable job in Vancouver, if I truly liked the Vancouver area, if I would be able to easily return to Toronto with good job prospects if things in Vancouver didn't work out, if this guy is 100% financially stable and easily able to support himself, his kids, pay his CS, etc., if I thought this guy was the second coming of Christ, and if I'd be getting my own place where I could live while I got to know this man and his kids.  Because in 6 months of long distance dating, you don't really know them.  And because the red flags are there.  Needy kids, guilty dad, crazy BM.  

RUN!!! Run like you're being chased by Freddy Krueger AND Michael Myers AND Pennywise.

You are too young to have to deal with aaaaaall of this BS and baggage. 

Hell to the mother effing no.

He’s too old for you. That being said if you have a thing for older men you can always find one who has their life together, has plenty of savings and whose kids are grown and out of the house (if hey have kids). This guy is a loser and is looking for someone to help him. Don’t fall for it.

Wow there's so many comments already! 

Long answer short, no. Don't do it.

Long distance relationships are hard, but you are only seeing a small sliver of what reality you will experience if you move and make this your new life. You are already experiencing issues with BM and skids and BF feeling guilty for his kids being upset of you, and you are hardly there. Imagine once you move there, or even better move in. It seems unusual for these SM/SKid situations improving over time, and from what you've posted it seems that there are all the interworkings for this to be a living nightmare with jealous kids, disruptive BM, and guilt ridden so he spoils dad.

I agree with some of the other comments, if you do decide to move, get your own place and date while living in the same city and being able to see each other more often and really see what life with this person may look like. Have real conversations with him about your concerns. I think his guilt parenting is a pretty big issue and the fact he is allowing his children to control that situation and his actions isn't good either.

And I think most if not all of us are saying don't do it.  You are young.  Love is not enough.  You should find a man closer to your age that you can have babies with, that has no ex lurking and kids.  If the ex is annoying now, it only gets worse.  

My ex love bombed me, and treated me like a princess.  He said he knew he'd have to be perfect in order to make up for the drama with a borderline ex wife and spoiled kids.  He ended up treating me like crap and I realized I had made a huge mistake.  I'm not 26, so I can't exclude every man that has kids.  But if I were 26, I wouldn't even consider one.

My ex also promised to clean up and cook for the kids.  That changed relatively quickly.  Even though I was the bigger breadwinner and worked a lot more than him, he would leave the house a pigsty and take the kids out for fun while I stayed in teh house all weekend cleaning up after them. 

There are a lot of other men closer to your age that don't have this baggage.  This isn't just not ideal.  You would be signing up to become bitter from being treated like sh***.  I have seen very few women on here that did their best to be a great stepmom that don't have scars and a lot of them have left their significant others.

Your situation has a very low success rate for real long term happiness.  Don't throw your best years away on that.

OK, from the top:

• His kids are spoiled and needy
• They want all his attention all the time
• He "parents" from guilt
• He's a Disney dad,
• The daughter tattles to her mother
• The bm is crazy
• The kids get to make all the decision
• You are forced to take a back seat whenthe kids are there.

And that's just for starters. He told you you wouldn't ever hae to take care of the kids yet he went for a nap when they were there because he knew you would take up the slack. That was just a glimpse of what life will be like once the trap closes on you if you move in with him. You are young, single, child-free and happy - how does his offer weigh up against that?

I can't give you a bigger NO!! You're young, never married, and no kids?? Surely you can do better than this! I promise you will regret it if you move to be with this guy.

Not only no, but hell no.  He has already demonstrated that he is not all in, nor is he making you or the relationship his priority.  You travel to see him on the monthly schedule, "mostly".  A true demonstration of prioritizing you and the relationship would be him managing his kid/XW schedule effectively and doing most of the travel to see you.

I get the tingly feelings of new love, the excitement of not seeing each other regularly, etc, etc, etc.... That is not the foundation for a vialble long term equity life partnership.

Gain clarity, do not give up your life and move. Make him do it if you insist on moving forward with this relationship.

Good luck.

i didn't even read your whole post, but i came to this website to say GOODBYE. 

I got married and became a stepmom barely a year ago.. i am now going to be filing for divorce.. not just because of stepfamily life but its a factor for sure, but I will say that i will NEVER enter stepfamily life again. EVER. 

Keep in mind that you just eliminated a massive % of the dating pool.  Life partnership is not about Skids. It is about the partners.

There are men out there that have kids that also get it. They may be the proverbial unicorn, but they are out there.

Be good to you.

Enjoy your life.

Reread all of these replies until they are imprinted in your memory!

You are 26! You shouldnt be worried that the man of your dreams is catering to a crazy ex and his kids....you should be casually dating single men whose biggest worry is what concert to go to next. Surely your family and friends are not loving this for you? Listen to this advice and dont ruin your life for someone else who will put you second.

I joined just to comment to you. Listen up and listen well: do not move in with this man. Your life as you know it will be over. The post someone made up thread about the order of his priorities with you on the bottom is completely accurate. Not only is there 1 s, there are 2 and... the icing on top, a CRAZY EX who is calling you a prostitute.  This is what your life will be. What everyone described.  I wish I never moved in. Run like the wind is on your back. Save yourself from this hell. My grandma always told me never to get involved with a man with kids and I was too stupid not to listen. She knew all too well after being a stepmom herself. Sage words. All the folks here are telling you the truth. It is a shitty existence. You will never get to experience the major life firsts with him, will always be a last priority, will come to hate living with the kids he shares with someone else, will hate the influence his ex has over his time, schedule, finances, your home, their schedule with their kids will trump your home's schedule every single time/day, even when you can take vacation will take a backseat to their schedule, the messes, you will resent cleaning up after them and all of this will affect your life and you will be expected to just take it. You, the one without the kids, will make all the major sacrifices to be a bystander in someone else's life and former family.  Their drama and choices will directly affect your life and add negativity to it. The adverse impact it will have is endless. Just say no. 

Ummmm...are we the same person?!?! I did the exact same thing 5 years ago now. Moved from Ontario to Alberta for a man with two boys. We’ve since gotten married and I am currently pregnant with our first child together. So...our relationship is great, but PLEASE consider all the potential stressors and what you are giving up before making any decisions. I struggle daily with having left my family and friends behind and feel alone here a lot of the time. His ex wife gives me constant grief and the boys drive me absolutely insane. It’s not that they are even bad kids, they’re actually pretty great. But, the moving across the country scenario you’re considering now and that I did 5 years ago is a breeding ground for resentment. I hate it when they are here, and feel like I can’t relax in my own home. I try to nap (remember...pregnant and so tired right now) and they are constantly knocking on my door waking me up, asking questions that every 13 and 14 year old should know the answer to (this morning - “do I set the burner to hot to boil water?”) and demanding attention constantly. The 13 year old acts more like a 7 year old making annoying noises endlessly, chewing with his mouth wide open, pouting when he doesn’t get his way... Again, I love my relationship but I’d be lying if I said it was easy and that I hadn’t had thoughts about how much more...free...I would be had I not moved for a man with kids. Please think carefully. 

I would not move until you and your bf have been together a long time and he clearly demonstrated that he was someone you could count on, treated you well, established healthy boundaries between you and the stepkids/BM, had his own sh*t together so you didn't have to pick up the slack, and is ready to make a commitment TO YOU, and not just bringing you into HIS family. This is the honeymoon phase of a relationship - if you're not already at least 90% happy with the entire situation, you should think hard about whether you see the potential for improvement, and how you're gonna deal if the answer is no.

26, never been married - girl, you are in the prime of your life!!! You can still be social and do the things you want, BUT with the caveat that sometimes you'll be doing them yourself, or even if your bf is there, it'll be different than a childfree couple going out. I know you meet whoever you meet and you can't help your feelings, but having lived and THOROUGHLY enjoyed my late twenties with all my other (then) childfree friends, I feel like I wouldn't have given that up for a guy with 2 kids.  :X

It is your choice, but just prepared to take responsibility for whatever outcome. If you're skeptical, listen to your gut and address it before you make any major decisions. You're going to be working at least twice as hard as someone in a relationship with no kids, so just be sure he's worth it to you. This is your chance to make HIM work for it if he wants to be with you! Good luck!!

If you continue with this relationship.... I would suggest that Calgary it is.  Do not move to him.  Either make him move to you or land in the middle.

He has them during the week so they go to school from his home.  If he does not change that he can’t move.

He is telling you his kids are the most important thing in his life, his kids will come first. He also has some close type of relationship with his EX.  You will always be second in everything.  Kids will be picking the restaurant and you will be paying for a place you don’t like.  And it will keeping going on.  REMEMBER he is really trying to be really nice to you.  This is the best it’s going to be.  Once you are trapped, it’s going to get worst. EX will tell you how to live.  Kids will get there way much more. Ect.  RUN.  This is not for you.  You know that already or else you would not be here. 

If he’s not willing to compromise now, in this glow of a new and exciting relationship, just how much do you think he will be willing to compromise later on? 

He’s making it crystal clear that you are not his priority. He’s not willing to change anything to accommodate your needs, but he expects you to change everything for him...and his kids...and his ex.  

Let me translate the “I’m planning to start saving now.” Unless he’s shown you his “plan” (direct deposit into a savings or retirement account) what he means is that if there is any money left over at the end of the month after he entertains his kids and himself, he might save it for next month when he can “treat” the kids to something special. 

Moving in with him even without the kids is a big move.  Add the kids and taking your age and info into consideration, it doesn't seem like the best move.  Is there no way at a test run?  I know that's hard with jobs, etc. but it's a huge sacrifice to leave what you know to delve into further unknown.  I;m in a similar situation where I made huge adjustments being with a man with a kid (he had her 5 nights out of 14).  I struggle but work through it and I actually like his kid.  I make sure he schedules adult date time and it works.  Now he is seeking full custody and I am leaving.  It's a big decision to make especially not having kids of our own and still wanting to enjoy our 20's.

I wish you the best of luck in any decision you make.  It's not easy when love is involved but you need to do the best you can with the information you have now.

does an intervention and kidnaps you from this! 

Is there anyone in your network who actually thinks this is a good thing?

BC is a long way from home if this goes belly up, and chances are it will. You will lose a so much of yourself in such a short time. You posted on here because you already know this isnt a good thing for you. To even find this site chances are when you googled it wasnt  "Becoming a bonus mom"

Please please listen to your family and all the people on here!

I'm in a similar situation. I posted a few days ago about my situation but I've come to the conclusion that I'm not about the whole blended family/stepmom thing. I just turned 29 a few days ago and it's going to SUCK having to start all over again, but I've read too many forum posts on here and my gut is telling me that I need to cut things off. (i never in a million years pictured myself as a stepmom----i don't even know if I want my own kids yet)

The bio mom GRILLS my boyfriend's child with questions when he goes back home to her and in general, is a nightmare to deal with. That alone has helped me in concluding that this relationship isn't going to work for me.   

I resonate with everything you said in your last paragraph. I DEF. struggle with not having his attention all the time. Like I've seen a lot on here....."Love isn't always enough" 

I'm going to move on with my life and find a single guy.  If you haven't listened to Dr. Laura on Sirius XM, you should..... she makes some good points about getting together with men that have children and she's highly against it. 

 Are there guys out there that are 29 and have no kids? I hope so....and I hope to find him someday.  And you're only 26!! We only get ONE life girl. 

Equity life partnerships are between equity life partners. Both must benefit from the partnership.  In far too many blended family relationships the SParent gives far more than the breeding parent.

As young as you ladies are I would not sacrifice your entire lives for a man with toxic baggage.

Good luck and enjoy your new life adventures.

Why make all of the sacrifices?

If he loves you, he should be willing to be the one to also make big changes.

Ask him to move to Toronto for a few months to test the relationship.

If no, then he's actively choosing over you, which he'll do for the duration of your relationship anyway. I'm not suggesting he shouldn't see his children, but he can make alternate arrangements if being with you is worth it.

Good for you. I just kept on trying and got many years into it to find the same thing. 
There seems to be a time when we are no longer a "novelty" and it just isn't worth the trouble to the BF. It's too much work to have the kids respect the SM, or to parent them in any way.

The SM carries the brunt of it. Everything was always my fault. The ex took her bs out on me for being "his new woman." The kids took their bs out on me for "being with their Dad." The BF ended up taking his bs out on me because "it's too hard to do this."

Anyone who brings a new spouse into a family dynamic should be very sure that the new person feels valued. They don't have to be there. Who would get involved if they didn't expect to work hard for it?

My situation brought so much sadness to my life, for years, almost 9 at this point. I'm broken and trying to figure out how to patch myself up and what to do next.

Im happy for you that the message came through early. Best wishes.

Okay, first of all , don't listen to the people in this thread. Almost everything that they are writing is that you have to end your relationship.
However, I completely agree that there are a lot of RED FLAGS!
Girl, just have a serious talk to your boyfriend prior moving in. Tell him everything and I mean the entire f*cking truth about how you feel and what you want to change.
Don't take this serious step after moving in , because you will find yourself stuck into a relationship that's killing you! If everythings goes fine after THE TALK , call https://albertastrongmovers.ca/locations/lethbridge/ and they will help with moving in , lol.

My thoughts on long distance internet initiated relationships.... if that person is THE one, they will move to you.

While I understand that different variables are in play in every relationship, and that usually it is more reasonable for one person to move than the other, if both are not willing to move and both do not offer to move..... the relationship likely does not have legs.

IMHO of course.

My thoughts on long distance internet initiated relationships.... if that person is THE one, they will move to you.

While I understand that different variables are in play in every relationship, and that usually it is more reasonable for one person to move than the other, if both are not willing to move and both do not offer to move..... the relationship likely does not have legs.

IMHO of course.