Advice on dealing with BM having affair
My husband's ex wife has been having an affair for the last 3 years with a fairly well known and wealthy man who lives out of state. The first two years they would see each other occasionally although she would tell the children all about him and the kids did meet him a few times during that time. About a year ago, the wife found out about the affair and kicked him out so for the last year he has been around the kids alot.
The concern I have is the way she portrays her relationship to everyone and to her kids. She manipulates the truth and the kids are young enough to not question it. She is narcissistic and the stories she tells the kids are hard to listen to. She tells the kids he has been going thru a divorce for 3 years, crazy stories of why the kids have not met his children, she tells her children they are getting married although neither his children or her children have met( his wife just filled for divorce a month ago), she tells everyone how wonderful his 4 children are when she has never even met them, he keeps two houses in his hometown (one for BM and her kids and one for when he has custody of his kids and my husband's children think this is normal). All you have to do is google his name and it comes up about his wife filing for divorce last month and about him caught cheating.
How do you handle a BM openly lying to her children? My husband and I truly try to do what is best for the kids, we try to show them a normal loving relationship, teach them respect and being honest, etc. we never call their mom out on the lies or tell the kids about the lies. They are 8 and 10. Its sad the kids are the innocent ones, and they go around talking about the relationship like its normal and don't understand what they are saying is crazy.
They will be old enough to eventually know their mom had an affair, will they be angry at us for not telling them and how will this affect them in their future relationships? Are we doing what is right by just ignoring BM actions, we don't intrude in her life or address her having an affair but just live our life.
You are doing it exactly
You are doing it exactly right.
The kids will eventually learn and piece together all the truths about their mother and this man. If you try to tell them yourselves, it will backfire and YOU will be the bad guys. I never really understood why that is, but it is.
Thanks, I think that is
Thanks, I think that is really what I needed this morning! Sometimes you start doubting yourself especially when it gets crazier and crazier stories
Unfortunately, there's really
Unfortunately, there's really not much you CAN do about what BM says or does with the kids when she has them. I'd answer any questions they have HONESTLY and if it differs from what BM's told them, explain that BM may not have told them the truth but they need to get clarification from her - so that puts the onus back on BM.
I think at ages 8 and 10 they
I think at ages 8 and 10 they are too young to understand what's really going on.
Like SAF says - the kids will eventually learn the truth about their mother on their own. It's better that they find out on their own instead of you trying to tell them.
yes, I agree and that is why
yes, I agree and that is why we have never said anything to her or to the kids. However, We do often question if what we are doing is right by playing along that her relationship is normal bc of how it may affect the kids in the future. My husband and I both have strong family upbringings and both of our parents are still married which we hope to pass on the kids the value of a family, I think sometimes you just need encouragement that you are doing the right thing for the kids
My rule of thumb in this
My rule of thumb in this crazy stepworld.... THE TRUTH WILL COME OUT IN THE END.
Funny thing about kids, they don't like to be lied to. And when they figure it all out, they will resent her. That's just how it works.
I would not do anything to feed in to her lies. When the subject is brought up in your home I would tell the kids that it is not your business, and you don't need or want to know. If they ask questions, I would direct them back to their mother.