Ditched
I can't seem to let this go, so I think I need to know if I'm overreacting.
On Sat. my SO and I had plans with an old group of my friends. We used to have an annual tradition of going to a baseball game, tailgating...it was a blast. I was always single for this and never brought anyone, which kind of sucked. We haven't done it in maybe 4 or 5 years, but this was going to be a "reunion" year. We ended up deciding to just go to a bar and get dinner and watch the game there and hang out. When we first planned this months ago, I invited my SO and reminded him we have the kids this wknd. He said it's ok, he would still go.
In the meantime, his work schedule got changed, and he worked 7am - 7pm almost every day this week except Fri and Sat. He gets home around 7:30, spends about an hour and 1/2 with skids and I, and then they go to bed and we usually do too. Part of the time he is home they are in their rooms doing stuff, like most kids would be. Friday night we had a bonfire at our new house, just the 4 of us, so it was quality family time, except I barely said a word because skids were just yammering nonstop at him, competing for his attention. I didn't even bother talking. Saturday SS13 had a soccer tournament, which I skipped. My SO was with them from 7:00am until about 3pm. I saw him for 5 minutes that day. I asked him if he was going to come to the reunion, and he said no, he had "barely seen the kids that week and didn't feel right leaving them to go out". In fairness, he did have to work 7am-7pm the next day, and the bar we were going to was almost an hour away. Still, I was pretty hurt and irritated that he was bailing on the plans we had because he "hadn't spent enough time with the skids"?!? ALL day Saturday, Friday night, plus time every night of the week. We have them for 10 days in a row, and he sees them every single day. Just because they choose to go to their rooms part of the time and he feels he "didn't really get to hang out with them", I get ditched? How much time does he need with them??? I understand that he had to work early and going out wasn't that appealling, but he ended up staying up until 11pm watching Netflix with them! I told him I was hurt and a little upset, he explained about not spending time with them, blah blah, I said I don't know what he expects, most families are not just spending hours and hours with their kids each day...he sets this unrealistic standard, and he said no, it's not really a standard he sets, it's just a feeling and he felt like he hadn't hung out with them much and he enjoys it and doesn't do it for any other reason than that. Still, people work. Do parents really spend hours each weeknight "hanging out" with their kids?? They were in their rooms! I just think he has this unrealistic vision of what it's supposed to be like, and it wasn't like that with his parents. I just don't understand where it comes from.
I am still just seething. I had wanted him to be able to spend more time with these friends that I rarely get to see, and once again I was the only person there alone, even though I'm not single. I think the biggest irritation is that he had spent ALL day Saturday with skids alone, we didn't even have a moment together, yet he chose to bail on our plans to stay with them. We NEVER make plans when we have them, so this was a rare exception. And he didn't even seem to care whatsoever that he was ditching me. I stated that to him in a message later, and he said he doesn't regret staying with them. Then said he is sorry he couldn't go, and wishes the circumstances had been different.
Believe it or not that's not making me feel better. Overreacting?
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Comments
No you're not overreacting,
No you're not overreacting, some dad's are just like this, spending time (limitless time it seems) with the kids is just more important than anything else. I was with a man like that. When a rare occasion like the one you have described comes up and yet more time needs to be spent with the kids at your expense it sucks. You are painted as the bad guy for expecting him to just for once want to spend a bit of time with you, to do something that's important to you, over spending more time with the kids. I don't think he's in the wrong, I don't think you're in the wrong, I'm just glad your username says girlfriend rather than wife because you do need to have a good think about whether you're happy with this life. Alot of step families work out because the parent knows how to balance their relationships, being in a relationship with someone that doesn't know how to balance and is happy to put you second place every single time is pure torture and you do deserve better than that. I hope that isn't your situation and this was just a one off but if it isn't a one off and you are constantly second place please do know that there is better out there.
And he usually is pretty good
And he usually is pretty good about it, minus his obsession with doing activities with the kids and his never-ending need to spend money on them. He makes sure we do things and have time together, although when we have them for 10 days in a row, he seems to be unable to fit a date night in there (BM only has them 8 days a month, so it's not like we don't have them much). This is the first time he's bailed on me for them. If it becomes a pattern, we most definitely will have a problem, because even this one time is not sitting well with me and I'm over here posting blogs to try and talk myself down. lol
Ah I see, if it was just a
Ah I see, if it was just a one off I would assume he was just tired then and not really up for a night out, staying in with the kids probably sounded like the better option to him. He probably could have worded it better to you though lol I think the way he put it to you would have got anyone's back up.
I wonder if he just didn't
I wonder if he just didn't want to go because he was tired from his work hours all week and had to work the next day, or maybe he just didn't want to hang out with your old friends. He might've thought the kids sounded like a better excuse.
If the kids were not the real reason (and it sounds like he did spend plenty of time with them), he should have just been honest with you.
He would have been better off
He would have been better off saying he was super tired and had to work early....not that he needed to spend more time with people that weren't me, that he had already spent plenty of time with.
This is not a
who right or who wrong thing. You wanted to hang out with your friends, You had nothing to do with the time or date. He rather stay with his kids then being with you. Something you wanted to do. This mind set by him is not going to change.
its now up to you, being second, if you want to live this way, or not. Everybody had to give and take in s relationship, The question you have, is are you giving more then you are taking. You being unhappy is less important then SK being unhappy .
S-G, I feel your pain. I laid
S-G, I feel your pain. I laid into DH yesterday for something similar. Our buddy has asked for 2 weeks who was available to grab lunch to meet his new GF this weekend. I have asked DH fot a solid week if he was going, and even asked throughout Saturday if he was going to go, always getting a non-committal answer. Even asked the friend if the boys could come since DH was waffling.
Finally, yesterday I told him the time (moved to an early dinner) and asked if he was going. OH NO, he had to take the kids to get haircuts, and they had homework, and had to do their laundry! And I knew this ALL weekend so why did I think he could go?
I laid into him. Told him he has known for 2 weeks this was a thing (and it has been discussed in a friend group chat that DH is part of). Told him if it were THAT important that they get haircuts he could have taken them earlier in the day (it was already early afternoon at this point). Told him if wasn't going to go that HE could tell friend why. It wasn't because DH was busy; it's because DH was lazy and didn't want to go to the restaurant (which, mind you, DH never once in 2 weeks made any suggestions for somewhere else to eat when friend asked *repeatedly* for suggestions).
DH thoughy about it, left the boys at home, and came with me to the dinner. Kids missed haircuts, which neither of them cared about (DH admitted later that he wanted a haircut and was going to take them with him so he only had to go once).
My DH does have good qualities, but his social skills and Captain Save-a-Mofo will cause me an early grave just due to grief.
Oh God. Make up your damn
Oh God. Make up your damn mind! My SO was the same way, for the whole day before and that entire day, wouldn't give me a straight answer until finally said no, blah blah blah haven't spent enough time with the kids. One of my SO's biggest flaws is his lack of follow-through (aside from his terrible memory- he had forgotten about this reunion despite several reminders). In this instance, both were on full display.
At least for my DH, I think
At least for my DH, I think he thinks that if he's non-committal then I can't be upset. He realized (or was reminded) that's not the case. I'll be upset, and that does bother him. If he would have said a week ago "can't, have kids", that would have been FINE. It was easier to add him if he decided differently last minute. It's the non-committal BS that I find infuriating (and it's a flaw in most of the members in our friend group).
kid free zone
Even with SD13 being generally low-key and sweet, DH still enjoys kid-free time with me. That and going out to meet up with friends.
Coulod be he was just tired...and it was just easier...
He did say last night that it
He did say last night that it was moreso due to his work schedule and that he had to get up early and he didn't want to drive 50 mins to this bar to see people he rarely hangs out with. I know he does enjoy kid-free time, it's just that when they are here he feels guilty leaving them, even if we have them 10 days. I honestly can't wait until it goes to 50/50 and we only have them a week at a time.