DH is mad about SS's room being a guest room
I swear to God I am going to get a divorce before we become empty nesters, with the finish line just 2-1/2 yrs away, and 9yrs of step-hell will have been for nothing.
SS18 has been at college since August. I posted about how we think he's probably going to be coming back for his HS gf, hopefully just transfering to another college, but who knows at this point. Either way, NOT living with us long-term, just for the summer at most- hopefully staying with Crazy. But I digress.
When talks of SS leaving for college first started, I brought up turning his room into a guest room. DH lost his damn mind. I was "kicking SS out", blah blah blah. He was all in his feels about his little baby angel golden child leaving the nest. I understand being sad about your kid leaving the nest, but It was a bit ridiculous. It's not as if I'm pioneering turning a kid's room who has left for college into a guest room. We have zero space and I have lots of friends who live out-of-state. Plus, SS can still stay there! We had multiple arguments about it. As time went on, DH adjusted and came on-board and even told SS it would be a guest room and then DH bought a massage table and told SS it was going to be a massage room, which, honestly TMI, and talked about the things we would need to get for the room. I polled some friends who have adult kids and asked what they did when their kids left for college- 2 out of 3 immediately turned their rooms into something else. I'm friends with the kids and the kids were like, oh yeah my mom didn't wait. They are all very close and no one cared. No one is traumatized. I feel this is a normal thing to do.
So, after months of doing nothing to SS's room, we now needed to do something because I had a friend staying here this wknd, and also, SS is coming in 8 days and I thought it would be nice if the room was ready in case he stays here. So this wknd we painted, I bought a bed, bedding, things for the walls, curtains. The works. SS was supposed to go through his clothes and things and pack them up when he went to school, but because SS doesn't listen, he had spent the day before he left with his gf's parents and didn't come home until 8pm and didn't have time. DH and I were PISSED. So SS left everything all over his room, hadn't gone through his clothes. DH had to pack them up, and SS probably doesn't even want half of them. Anyway, DH took the totes to the basement. After I was done setting everything up, DH was all quiet. I asked what was wrong and he was UPSET about the room. He says He "didn't know I was going to take it that far", and "didn't realize I was going to wipe every trace of SS out of the room", and that it's "very girly and not welcoming if SS were to come stay here". I was doing an event with friends the next day and he asked if I was going to show them the room. I said probably- 1 of them was going to stay in it. He said "I just think that's weird- wiping all traces of SS from it and then parading your friends into it". I'm like, what? People do this- you do something to your home and you show your friends what you did. And First of all, it's not "girly". And it's very welcoming for anyone, it looks really nice and is super comfortable. But DH wouldn't have it- he was livid. I said, I am not doing anything that millions of parents haven't done before- SS will be JUST FINE staying there, the fact that there are flowers on a picture is not going to make SS not want to stay there. And YOU are the one who took the totes to the basement, I didn't tell you to do that. So what did DH do? He went to the basement and brought the totes of SS's clothes back up and put them in the guest room closet, taking up the closet space (it's literally the only closet we have besides 1 small one under the stairs) so SS wouldn't feel like we moved everything out. Because apparently SS is a shrinking violet. There were 4 totes total and when he had brought 2 up I said, you aren't bringing all 4 up are you? The other 2 were just things that SS didn't even use- like teddy bears and old things. He said Yeah! I said, Ok but that makes no sense. We have no closet space and we talked about how we will finally have some closet space, and you are filling it with totes that no one uses. Why? There isn't even room! You put his clothes in there, why do you need the other totes in there? Like just be logical! So he didn't bring the other 2 up.
But I am so irritated. I am trying not to be dismissive of his feelings. But honestly, I just do not get this. DH is the one telling SS he should break up with his gf and making SS feel like he doesn't want her here- THAT is what is going to make SS not feel welcome, Not a f'ng picture with flowers on it or the fact that all of the clothes that he didn't want aren't in the room. He will be just fine, many kids before him have gone through this, he will survive it also. Do not put this on me.
DH and I have barely fought about SS since he left- it has been like a weight is off my shoulders. And DH has finally gotten clarity about what a PITA SS is and how he has coddled him. But somehow other things have taken the place of that argument, and I'm just becoming drained. I love DH so much but I am so tired of conflict. Sometimes lately it just feels like too much.
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What a pain. I am sorry you
What a pain. I am sorry you are dealing with your DH's fantasy of how he wants SK world to be. I would be livid if my DH brought SK's bins up from the basement and put them back into absent SK's room.
This is a great example of why it's best for SM's to just not say anything. We had SDiabla26 room full of her unwanted crap for YEARS. I moved some stuff out and reoganized a bit but I never told DH I was turning it into a guest room. I just did it. There were still a few of her things in the dresser and closet but when guests came, her room is where they stayed. But, I am a very patient person. Over the years DH graduallly start to remove toys and childish items. Her room didn't get completely revamped until this year. She hasn't lived here since she was 18. That's how long it took to get all of her crap out. The catalyst was that had a long-term guest staying in her room and we wanted things to be nice for our guest. DH finally packed up the last of her long-forgotten crap. We donated most of it to charity.
It does feel like years are lost to step-hell. I refuse to live like that anymore. I would rather break up than live with worrying about all the "what if's." I am focusing on developing myself as an individual and enjoying the moment. The worst that happens is this relationship falls apart and I am single again. I love my DH but I'd be fine on my own. He'd be fine too. Relationships are about freedom and safety and if I can't have those 2 things then it's not worth it. We needed each other when we first met but now we chose each other. I'm getting too old for this crap.
Your SK is only 18 and your DH is still processing. He's being childish. It's probably about his emotions rather than anything logical. Hopefully he gets his head out of his a$$ soon.
Thank you
I honestly do feel the same about being fine on my own, although sometimes it's hard to imagine what that would be like. I am at a point where I'm struggling to decide what to do. We are working on things and in marriage counseling but the beginning stages, so it's too soon to tell if it will help. I just do not have it in me to fight about skids forever or just have so much conflict all-around. Sometimes I think DH thrives on conflict, unknowingly. I'm just tired.
I wish I could post a picture of the closet in SS's old room now- half of it taken up with bins, with an old SHELF that SS made and some anime plaques sitting on top. Nonsensical. When that closet was supposed to be used to put things that we have no room for that can't be kept in the basement. SS does not need the old shelf he made at this moment. But DH just wants to show we didn't store it away! It's still here!
My parents kept our rooms
My parents kept our rooms "ours" as long as we were away at school.. but would need to come home for breaks.. like if you stayed in the dorm at our school.. they made you leave for thanksgiving.. christmas.. summer.. you couldn't stay there year round.
Once we were staying in year round rentals at school.. taking classes and working there over the summer.. our rooms were more packed up and available for other uses.
So, my feeling would be that the room could be used as a guest room.. so kid's stuff would be a bit more packed up and out of the way.. but might not be a complete redo until they were no longer going to be using it for "longer stints".. like summer breaks.
I can absolutely see 2 trains
I can absolutely see 2 trains of thought on this one- What your parents did, and the complete redo. I think either is fine, depending. In our case, SS went to school across the country, and DH is actually the one wanting him to stay there on breaks, even in summers (they do keep the dorms open on breaks, but not in summer). DH doesn't want him to come home during summer, for a few reasons. He wants him to adjust to life there, work, and hopefully get an internship at SS's dream company (or somewhere similar). SS INSISTED on buying a 2006 car, which was older than SS's previous car, and DH just wouldn't tell him no, so now, DH doesn't want SS driving that car back here every summer because it's likely to have issues on a 24hr drive. Who could have called that? Me. I did. I told him not to buy the car, told DH it was a bad idea- who buys an older car than the one they have?? It's not logical.
Anyway, my thought is, why would we take up needed space with his things when he is literally never going to be here more than a few weeks a year? If he were going in-state and would be home more often and for summers I would have been more apt to keep his things more readily available. But, he had a twin bed, a futon he never used except to put junk on that we actually picked up for free for him without even asking, so that had to go. Most things just kind of had to go in order to make it functional. We kept his gaming desk in the room, and now his totes of clothes. And, I don't have much family, but I do have close friends. I would love for them to come visit more, but no one really wants to stay in a twin bed, IMO. I have sacrificed 9yrs for these ungrateful skids. If we can have a guest room that is welcoming for my friends AND SS. It's kind of a "If you build it, they will come" mentality. Which might seem pathetic, but DH, don't you dare get mad at me for wanting to make people other than your angel SS comfortable. The last thing this kid did before he left was look into our Ring camera and eat my ice cream while saying he knew I would be mad but he didn't care, he was leaving anyway, and then went on to text us to lie to us, so I'm finding it a bit hard to care that much if SS will find the room "too girly" for his liking.
Rant over. (Also, I know you weren't arguing that it shouldn't be a guest room, I just got on a roll)
It sounds like your DH is
It sounds like your DH is perhaps dealing with a bit of combined guilt/empty nest sadness. HE is the one who does not want his son to keep coming home.. so he is not encouraging him to BE home.. but also.. his wittle boy is all grown up and leaving.. so sad emoji
Redoing the room was a tangible reminder of his conflicted feelings.. wanting him to launch.. but sad that his childhood is over to an extent.
I agree as a guest.. I hate a twin.. lol. In your case it makes sense for the room to be made more accomodating for the use it will be put to more often now that he is launched perse.
I think it's the old "evil
I think it's the old "evil stepmom" trope. Anything we do is eyed with suspicion. "You want to remake my child's bedroom?!?! You're ERASING him!!!" It's exhausting always being made out to be the bad guy.
I also get that parents can have big feelings about their kids going off to college and I think I might have given it some more time before redoing the room (the main thing is they are GONE! (*tosses confetti*). Perhaps I might just started with getting a bigger bed and a good cleaning/organizing of the room.
Some people suggest turning the room into an office or something to prevent the return of the adult stepkids but IMO if you have a dad hell bent on letting poopsie move back in, a little ol' desk and some bookshelves won't stop him.
It makes complete sense that you want the much-needed extra space in the closet but feelings aren't always logical and your DH seems to be clinging to those totes like some sort of security blanket so I'd probably let it go for now. Main thing is he doesn't move back in with you guys. I would keep that the focus.
ETA: On a personal note....not having to live with LI, I felt like I could deal with anything. I felt like I could handle Satan himself moving into that bedroom and I'd be OK with it. That was the prize for me.
You are right
Choose my battles right? And really I have won the war here. SS is gone. The room is redone. It looks fantastic with the exception of a big ugly black gaming desk taking up a whole wall. (Why aren't we focusing more on that DH, that there is a huge gaming desk that wittle baby SS can use if/when he stays here, and I didn't once push for it to be moved out?). I should have just kept my mouth shut. It is just soo hard to watch my manly DH lose all logic and try to act like it makes sense to move totes back up there for his kid that has been treating him like shit. SS is gone, DH and I are on the same page about what happens if SS doesn't go to college next year....did I mention SS is gone?! These are victories.
Will SS be coming back to
Will SS be coming back to stay with DH for the whole winter break, and summer? Or will he be splitting time between DH and CrazyTown? SS probably won’t give two shits that the room is re-painted and has a new bed, more than likely he will just be more concerned about sneaking his GF in to get some on the new bed. But I’m sure your DH will project his feelings all over SS to ensure he gets the required response that you somehow erased his kid from the house.
Great question
I am pretty sure with the way things have been with DH and SS (they didn't speak for 3wks and are now texting occasionally as far as I know), SS will stay with Crazy for at least part of the time. Plus, DH has told SS he can't just drive his truck or my car, so SS doesn't really have a vehicle here, and Crazy lets him drive her car. Not to mention he can have his gf over when Crazy isn't home with the bedroom door shut (I mean seriously, make it make sense- the gf is 17 and he is 18, which is illegal here, and Crazy would lose her mind if she thought they were having sex. What does she think they are doing??), so it's appealing to him to stay there for those reasons. We'll see how it plays out. I swear to God if DH somehow makes me out to be the bad guy for changing this room, I will lose my mind on him. I honestly don't see this being anything but good for SS- He didn't have much left in there once he took his stuff to school, so now he has curtains that actually close and block out the sun, a big comfy bed rather than a twin, and a more comfortable setup. I will walk right out of this house and DH and wittle baby SS can have the whole f'ng place to themselves.
I think maybe part of it is
I think maybe part of it is that it l happened all at once rather than a slow progression... A few changes here and there.
I think that there is a compromise in here somewhere. You're both looking at this differently. You wanting it all gone and him wanting it there still. I think changing it to a guest room is a good idea since he's gone most of the time.
Since he could still be there for months during the summer etc, my suggestion is to allow a small amount of his things there. For example what my mom did is have an armoire or dresser and I could put things in when I came down.
As soon as I had my own place full time my mom packed up boxes here and there and just sent them back with me when I came back to visit.
If it were me, I would make the transition of him out a little slower.
If allowing the kid to have some totes in his closet is enough to make everyone happy I don't see why not do that.
I think that is the compromise
Which is fine. But I honestly thought that waiting 4 months to do anything to the room would make it even better. DH was talking about making it a guest room/massage room so nonchalantly before SS even left for school that it didn't seem to bother him at all, and then he went out and bought a massage table a few months ago, (But neither of us want to get a massage in SS's room because it is...SS's room, with all of his stuff in it!) which is why it was so frustrating that he was mad at me after the fact. Also, I asked him for input on the colors- he had zero, per usual. Then he was upset that it was "too girly". I showed him everything ahead of time and asked his thoughts- he had none. None of it was a surprise. But once it was done, he decided it was too girly and was upset that it wasn't welcoming and we were erasing SS. The things SS had left it did not make sense to leave in there, except the gaming desk, which we did. I'm sure some of it was him being in his feels about SS being gone. I don't have kids so It's hard for me to understand. But I am just so sick of DH thinking it's ok to be upset at me for every f'ng little thing. Agreeing to have the totes in there seemed to be a compromise, but there were 2 types (2 for clothes and 2 for random things like teddy bears and junk SS doesn't use)- I honestly didn't think he would try to put all 4 totes back in there- I mean anyone could see that there wasn't even room in the closet for 4, it would take up almost the entire closet- nor was there a reason to have all 4. I really expected logic to kick in there. He did get irritated when I asked if he was really going to put all 4 in, but thankfully he did seem to realize it didn't make sense.
SS possibly being here over summer is a very new development- prior to this we expected him to stay at school across the country, So I wasn't really thinking of changing the room plan for that. But now that he is obsessed with his HS gf we feel he is probably going to come home- at bare minimum for the summer, but more likely to transfer colleges closer to home. But it doesn't even mean he will stay with us! Crazy lives down the street and he can stay there also, and he might. I am done arguing with DH about this f'ng room. I am done talking about SS period with him, but I'm also done with him being mad at me for everything. I am returning the "girly" curtains (my friends and brother all agreed they are not too girly, but they didn't fit the window quite right anyway), and the new gray curtains and sheets arrived today. This should ensure that the extremely delicate SS isn't *gasp* offended by too feminine of a room should he choose to grace us with his presence on a visit. I don't know why I am going out of my way, I don't actually want SS to stay here during the summer- it will just be another thing for DH and I to fight about, and I don't even think DH wants him to stay here. But I actually like this color palette anyway, so whatever. This is the last time I am talking about this with DH.
I appreciate your thoughts, it's nice to have a reality check since I'm in my own feels here and don't have kids.
Yeah it doesn't really seem
Yeah it doesn't really seem fair if he's mad at you for doing this when you had already discussed and agreed upon what you were doing. I think that he agreed and then when it happened it probably kind of "hit him" that it felt sad to think about his kid leaving the nest and perhaps guilty that he feels like he's letting his kid down by moving the stuff out. As we all know part of life is growing up and moving out eventually but that's harder for some parents then others. He probably wants his son to feel welcome back and that his room feels homey. I think having a bit of his old stuff around could achieve that but with the idea that you use the room for guests too and he's more like a visitor... He's a guest too. That's what it kind of gravitates toward. Adult visitors coming home to visit.
I know I'll be sad when my kids move out and they already know I'll do a similar thing and paint their room and I'll organize it how I want lol.
I have a large tote of the step kids belongings in my basement and it's such babyish stuff. Like old beat up stuffed animals but my husband won't give it back to them so it's just sitting there
It seems a common theme with
It seems a common theme with lackluster parents of a-hole kids to want to keep a completely symbolic representation of "good parenting."
"I wasn't a good parent, but it assuages my guilt to keep a shrine to my child. Keeping his room "just as he left it" makes me feel like a sentimental and caring father."
*snort*
Kinda reminds me of my ex. I think he was a less than stellar husband, which would explain his misguided need to keep THINGS that belonged to his late wife.
It's the easy way of
It's the easy way of "parenting"....
I don't want to actually parent my kid... I don't want to have to take the time to teach them stuff, discipline them, monitor their school work (or in my husband's case, text, call or spend any time alone with them), instill values...
That's all hard, time consuming and uncomfortable...
Much easier just to throw money at the problem, keep a useless shrine up, let them do what they want and stick your head in the sand etc.
Real parenting = doing the hard stuff.
Right!
It came up again last night (shocking) and DH reiterated how he "never wanted a guest room", which is NOT what we talked about, but I had text DH a week ago asking him a question about the mattress and DH had replied "I don't want or need a guest room", because he didn't want to go pick up the mattress...so because he said this 4 months after we agreed on a guest room and he even told SS it would be a guest room, that means he has a right to be mad that I actually went through with making it a guest room. I actually said, you would just like to keep a shrine up for SS?
He likes to yell at SS for everything, which honestly isn't really parenting because SS knows he's all bark and no bite and doesn't listen to DH at all because of it, DH gives zero consequences, enables him to make bad choices, and then rewards it all in some manner because DH feels bad that SS may struggle, which he never has a day in his life. And spot on by not teaching values. SS is the biggest liar I know. DH knows it too and doesn't believe anything SS tells him. Guess how many times he has addressed it? ONCE. But only that specific lie- not that he knows SS lies often, and never again, even as he's seen SS lie repeatedly after. He refuses to call him out. He says it's "too late", that's how SS is. *bangs head into cement wall*
Best to just keep a shrine.
I cannot.
Triangulation, baby!
Without reading the other replies yet, my 1st thought is Holy Flashback, Batman! I went through the same thing a few years ago.
Turns out it's easier for bio-dad to get offended and angry at StepMom than upset with little precious angel-baby skidult. I say stand your ground and tell SS that whatever he doesn't bring back to college, bio-moms, or future babymama underaged girlfriend's house is getting donated/tossed so you can utilize the closet space.
I'd get a divorce, too [oh wait, already did that!].SMH.
Same life
It's because we're all living the same step-life, as someone once said.
Or, I will just move the totes back down into the basement once SS is back at school. lol. It's not like HE IS EVEN HERE. Let's keep totes up in a closet taking up all the space for a kid who isn't here!
Sex with GF
at Crazy's. Means who cares about his room at his BF. I think you will see very little of SS. It is the gift grab time of the year. So to insure good Christmas gifts SS will do the old dog and pony show. But Car and GF EQUALS staying with crazy . I know where I would be.
Fingers crossed
Let's hope so! I have zero issues with SS staying at Crazy's. Bye! lol
"I just think that's weird-
"I just think that's weird- wiping all traces of SS from it and then parading your friends into it".
That's awfully dramatic. If he didn't want it done he should have told you before you did it.