BM, can you please stop being nice to my GF? LOL

I really think the root of the problems that we are going to revolve around her jealousy of the relationship you have with your exH and his family. She doesn't have a good relationship with her ex and I can see how the bond you have is off putting!

I know where you are coming from not wanting to give up people that you love. I see where she is coming from feeling like it is a competition. You ladies are both in a tough spot.

Question while you are continuing to write, maybe you can add it in under here this comment.

Are you still single? Do you have a serious relationship?

If so, how is your SO involved with the X-inlaws?

If not, how would you expect your SO when the time comes to be involved with your X-inlaws?

Where do you see his XW (assuming he has one) involved with your new inlaws now that you and he would be involved?

Most men would kill for their ex's and SO to at least be civil with one another. I can understand where you are coming from. I don't think you should have to cut off contact with Fred's family. After all, they are your family too, whether or not you are married to Fred anymore. I think maybe Fred's family, as uncomfortable as it may be, may need to tell Ethel that they care for you, and you are a daughter to them.

It is a tough situation. I personally think that Fred needs to tell Ethel to deal with it and suck it up. Maybe if she would put herself out there a little more, she would be able to develop a relationship with Fred's family.

You know, I have a great relationship with my exes family and his new girlfriend is really bothered by this. So as much as it pains me to do so, I've stopped being all buddy buddy with his family. My exes mom is quite miffed at me about it but you know, while she's talking about how great I am (because well Iam you know. hahahah - kidding) or how she did this with me or that with me and my son or whatever, his girlfriend is standing right there. She'll never get a place in their family while I'm still holding it.

I miss "my" horse. I miss my afternoon rides with my "Mom". I miss her quirky calls and stuff. I've always missed her more than my ex. She was my friend. She knows her son is a total fucktard but in the end, he's still her son and the new girlfriend needs to be allowed to get in there.

But I totally get it. It sucks for both of you.

I agree with all the comments here. Unfortunately, in order for Ethel to feel secure she will need to claim her place in her in-laws hearts. While you are in the picture as a constant reminder of how much they love you, she will never be able to claim that space. She may NEVER claim the place as you have, but at least she can't say it's your fault if you retreat quietly into the EX corner.
There is no reason why you can't still have a nice relationship with them. You can still do lunch and talk on occasion, send gifts for birthdays & Christmas but when it comes time to Holidays, I think you should bow out gracefully, send your children with their dad and let them try and bond with each other. Once Ethel knows that you are not a threat to her, she herself might end up opening up and warming up to you.
FYI - I probably wouldn't take hand me downs from the Ex either. My pride wouldn't let me, don't take it personal, give the clothes to someone else who might need them.

*****

She's a nut.

Try not to respond to her texts. She may be trying to get you to lose it, so that she can show others that you are not as "nice" as they think you are.

Offering her the clothes was a good thing. If she didn't want them, she should have just said no thank you.

i always thought divorce reverts everything back "as if had never been" OTHER than, of course, the children of that marriage. to me, this includes giving up the ex in laws. as much as it hurts. it's part of the viciousness of divorce. this is not your family anymore, just as your ex is not your family anymore. does not matter that you grew up around them, that got knocked to the side when you married their son. all the help you accept from them, the socializing with them is rightfully your ex's wife's now. there isn't room for both of you.

it sounds like you are trying very hard to not hurt anyone. i just don't think you understand that offering your children's clothes to them is something you would do for a friend. your ex is not your friend now.

i think you may have inadvertantly (sp?) crossed some boundaries and step-mom is angry, and will remain angry until you back off. wwwaaaaayyyyyy off. and then, it will take some time for her to realize that you know your place and are not a threat to her new life and family. only then will things have a chance to simmer down.

Wow...I'm going to say that it sounds to me like Fred is embellishing stories to make himself look like a saint (the vasectomy) &/or starting crap by accident by trying to *fix* what wasn't broken in the first place (him asking you not to be so nice to Ethel????)...Ethel has swallowed his fables, hook, line & sinker which is made obvious by the fact that she is emailing & texting you all sorts of craziness. I truly believe that FRED has played a HUGE role in bringing out her crazy.

As far as the X family goes...I understand how difficult it would be to cut all ties. Saying that however, I don't understand why you would NEED to participate in THEIR family activities/parties knowing that Fred & Ethel will be there. As an X family member, your friendships with his family can consist of phone calls, shopping trips with XMIL & the occasional dinner...on YOUR time, not THEIRS. Ethel will never feel like part of the family if the XW/BM is always there (you may not be trying to portray this, but I would feel like you were "marking" your territory, so-to-speak). There is NO REASON that your XFIL should be paying for your car repairs...don't you have your own dad to help you out? I can totally see where she is coming from as far as all of this goes.

As far as the clothes...I personally wouldn't want hand me down clothes from BM...EVER. Everything that SO had, that BM picked, is GONE...but that's just me. It was nice of you to offer but most women, IMHO, would take offense to that.

Child Support...ah yes! Always a bone of contention...here's the thing though...it isn't YOUR fault that ETHEL didn't sue for CS from her baby daddy...it just isn't. If she brings it up again, let her know that both parents are generally expected to support the children that they CHOSE to bring into this world...if her baby daddy is a dead-beat...NOT YOUR FAULT! What you do with COURT-MANDATED CS is not her business. Although, saying that, is it actually court-mandated or is it a number that you came up with? If it is more than 25% of Fred's income (or whatever your State guidelines are for CS), it will continue to be a sore point because she will forever feel like you are getting "too much"...thus taking away from HER & Fred.

Emails...there is NO REASON that she should be sending you emails...EVER! You need to let Fred know that any correspondence is to be between the TWO of you regarding your children...Ethel does not need to be involved. Ask Fred to let her know that she is not to email you anymore. It is time for you to "disengage" from Ethel...she is, for you, a non entity. She is not your friend, she is not your family. She is the woman that Fred is with and she is the (possible) future SM to your children. Don't bad-mouth her, don't talk about her, she is unimportant to you. If you see her, wave, if you run into her, say HI...other than that...DISENGAGE.

As others have asked, are you in a relationship of your own now? Are you working?

OK... WOW. It is women like her, that give ALL US SM's a bad name.

She is clearly in the wrong. I can understand the jealousy about your relationship with his family. But honestly, she needs to GET OVER IT. My family is still very friendly with my EXH and my DH could care less. In fact tonight my niece is graduating frmo high school, guess who will be there MY EXH. He is still her uncle as far as everyone is concerned. I divorced him, they didn't. NOW, I DO NOT like it when BM contacts DH's family but, it is for good reason. She only contact them for 2 reasons. #1, she wants something (money usually) and #2, to try and start shit between me and DH's family (usually his mom who is even more crazy than BM is). She ruined that one for herself. If she was normal and just wanted to see them because she cared about them, and they have known each other forever (which they have) I would not care.

Sounds to me like the only resolution to the rest of this is for you to be the bigger person. My advise would be to completely ignore her. Including not even telling EXH parents about what she is doing. That way when it is brought up to them, they can say "really? BM hasn't said a WORD aboout any of this" and you come out on top as the more mature and level headed one, which you obviously ARE! Obviously, Fred isn't going to put a stop to this and Ethel is off her rocker. So lucky you... you get to ignore her.

There was nothing wrong with you offering hand me downs. That was very generous of you. Hold your head high, you are a good person.

****

I can see both ways. My SO's family likes me better than his X. And they do not see her. My daughter on the other hand is living with a guy who has 2 kids, his ex is still involved with his family, they go out on birthdays, mother's days, her mom and his mom live within a block of each other. It does bother my daughter to some extent, she feels like she will never get as close to them as the X, even though my daughter and her BF and the skids go to his mom's every Sunday for dinner. His ex is friends on FB with all his family, and a couple of his cousins hang out and go out socially with his X. It's a fine line, and take a good balance. But I do agree with some of the others that say it is time for you to step back from his family a little. See them on BD's, send greetings for XMAS, but hanging out at BBQ's is a little too much. I think when you get divorced you lose that right to that side of the family. And you don't get to use the excuse you keep in touch so your kids can see them, they can see their dad's parents and family when they are with him. And it is probably hard for Ethel because after your Ex pays you child support, they maybe do not have money to take the kids on vacation. I know my SO's ex gets to take skids on a lot more trips than we do, because of the CS. As far as the vasectomy, that's just crazy, but maybe if all these others things were not bothering Ethel that may have never come up. Yea, just ignore her and take a step back.

It's amazing how much this mirrors my past. My ex moved his gf in the day I moved out. She instantly went to harassing me. Texts, emails, phone calls, constant threats. When they would come to pick my son up I would always have to have family around because she was so unstable I never knew if she was going to actually break out into a physical fight with me!

She to blamed me for my ex's snipping. She swore he didn't want to but I made him. Didn't know I was so capable of mind control like that. It's insanse for any woman to believe that his ex wife MADE him get snipped.

I can kind of see her being hurt by the family thing, but with your explinations I can see that you are not seeing these people to hurt the new wife! You are simpily visiting people that you love, and you even make sure you don't do it at innapropriate times.

Please block this crazy woman. Don't even entertain any more of her mess. You've tried the best you can.

FYI: My ex and this woman I'm talking about eventually broke up. She called me up a few years after and apologized for everything she had done to me and my son. She explained that she was intimadated and insecure. I told her that I would accept that apology if she hadn't done all the horrible things she had done to my son.......but that I could not now, nor ever, forgive her for what she did to him.

Karma will find her. It always does.

Sounds to me like your seeing his family more than you are admitting, if your BF has met them on several occasions...you must be involved with them socially more than necessary! What custody arrangement do you have, I'm curious? Is yours 50/50?

I have read your blogs and it mirrors my life to a "t". EXCEPT that I am like his new wife. I know the pain she must be going thru- so please understand that Im only trying to give you the perspective that I am going thru as well

When I first started dating my now DH, they were going thru a very bitter custody case. BM hated me & tried to make my life a living hell. She did some very nasty things- and I was deeply hurt. My DH to this day, probably doesnt realized how many times I almost broke it all off (I know this is different then your case so far- but stick with me-- you may just see a ton of similarities).

During these times, my DHs family declared openly how much they hated her--not disliked--but hated her. They all had their varrying reasons-- and I soaked em all up. Then as our relationship went on & the custody case was settled-- we got engaged. Then I started to realize that EVERY time we would travel to DHs home state where DHs family & BM & the kids love--all these people wanted to ever talk about-- was BM. It got real annoying real fast. But, I was happy to become a part of my DHs Family. I was real close with DHs Mom. We would talk all the time on the phone. I felt like I truly Belonged!!!

Then, we got married. The wedding was nice & most of DHs family traveled to out state for the wedding. I FELT like I belonged with his family. I FELT like I belonged & had a true place in this family. I was happy. I was raised in a small but tight italian family. I was raised that FAMILY meant everything. So I truly took that to heart and wanted that tight knit family with them (my family is all in Heaven now-- so I really wanted to be close with DHs family).

Shortly after our wedding, I sadly noticed how DHs family STILL wanted to talk non-stop about BM still. What truly broke my heart was the numerous times my new MIL would talk/brag about how amazing & wonderful and awesome DH & BMs wedding was!!!! DH & I were just recently married--- it shattered me. Im not sure to this day just what my MIL was trying to do by saying these kinds of things. It hurt me deeply. I tried to just forget it-- but it got to the point where I had to break down and ask DH to ask MIL to please stop saying those things. He did, she stopped talking about these things but shortly after---- my relationship with MIL & SILs have changed. They werent eager to talk to me over the phone, etc. They no longer seemed to want a close relationship anymore-- Ive been broken hearted ever since. I have done nothing to any of them.

Then--- then I realized that BM had been contacting them-- MIL & SIl. BM started having my MIL watch her dog while she was out of town, then started having MIL watch the kids--things she never had done before. Neither did she do these things before me either. Then-- SIL started talking to BM as well. They all talk to BM now--- which is HIGHLY confusing to me, as they profusely talked about how much they hated her, remember?? Its very confusing. These women had talked about her like a monster really. Now they are buddy-buddy with her. I tried not to let it hurt me-- but really, how could I not.

My MIL no longer calls me & when I try calling her, she has excuses to get off the phone. Says she will call me back. But doesnt. Ive also noticed how she no longer calls my DH hardly at all now as well. Its sad. I feel like Ive lost my place in this family. Im hurt.

My point to all of this is-- its really hard when you are new into a family. You have to find your "place". Sadly I feel like BM has once again taken my place, but sadly it feels like maybe BM was always in that "place" & thats why they always wanted to talk about her? All I know is that I feel completely rejected-- and it hurts. BM has remarried, but she always seems to be "there" ya know? I was very eager & ready to take my place with DHs family-- but BM wont vacate my "place".

Simply put-- I dont feel like I belong with the family. I was raised in a tight, Italian family-- where Loyalty meant everything & Family was what was most important.

I truly feel that its just simply your turn to "vacate" your spot with his family. You are no longer part of that family. Sure-- you can still talk with them-- as a family friend per se. But family? Nope-- thats your exes Wifes new place in the family. Once you stop asserting yourself in the family-- she will feel her "place" in the family tgat she is now rightfully a part of. She NEEDS to feel that she belongs.

Just my opinion.

Oh-- just some other thoughts. When anyone bresks up with ir divorces someone-- you almost always tell your new partner the bad things that haf happened in the relationship. Its human nature. You have no idea what your ex told her about you.

But I just think she needs to feel Part of the family. He married her, not you. She probably feels like you are always "there". It sucks, but the mature thing to do, is make distance with her new family. Let her take her place. Once you do, she will feel secure. She will no longer feel the need to "get rid of you"

Just my insight- hope it helps.

When I divorced my ex one of the real problems for me was his family. I almost wished he had been hit by a bus, that way I could still be one of the family!!! I loved them all very much. However, I realized that if our marriage ended so did that connection. After the divorce, they continued to invite me to Christmas dinner, kids parties, etc. but I politely declined. Why? Because in spite of the fact that I'd known them for over 20 years? Because I couldn't have it both ways. And neither can you, to be honest. Having your ex fil pay for your repairs is unacceptable...especially if your can afford nice vacations.
I think the sm in your situation over reacted about the clothing offer, but she sounds pretty insecure. As amother posted mentioned, it was like salt in a wound. I also agree that your ex is really contributing to these issues. But as you're discovering, blended family situations are never easy! As long as she is nice to your kids, I would quit worrying so much about all of this. Besides, just by coming to this website tells me that you already have an idea that you need to take a step back. Good luck!