Quick background: 3 years ago, when I was 29 and single, I met a nice girl (let's call her Ethel) who had a 3 year old boy (Let's call him Derek). She lived with her parents and was going to school. She had never had a relationship with the real father. They were together only 3 months when she became pregnant and they split when she was about to have the baby. Today, the father is around and will take Derek once or twice month or whenever it is convenient to him. However, he is not really my problem (directly anyway). He's useless, but we get along fine. So anyway, 3 years ago, Ethel and I fall in love and the fact that she has a child from a previous relationship isn't a cause for concern for me. 7 months into the relationship I impregnate her accidentally but we decide to have the baby together. It's very fast and soon for all that, I know, but at this point I believe we are doing the right thing because we want to remain together and start a family.

3 months before the baby is due, Ethel and Derek move into my house. At this point, Derek is now 4. Now here's where the fun begins. I had hung out with Derek before and noticed he was kind of high strung, but thought maybe that was typical of a boy that age and we'd iron things out now that he had a real father figure in his life. It turns out that was only the beginning. He is rude, obnoxious, defiant, disrespectful, negative, whiny, wimpy, has delusions of entitlement and grandeur.. and is an all around unlikeable person... I don't mean in the (oh, he's just a kid) kind of way. He is a 3 foot tall, walking, talking, through and through A-hole. I consider myself a pretty decent person so I deal with it and try my best to take part in his life and be a positive influence, as we are now a family. Maybe he'll get better when he starts going to school..

Flash forward to present day. My biological son is now almost 2. Derek is now 6 and impossibly worse than when he was 4. Even Ethel has grown to dislike him. (Side note: the good thing is Ethel is very cooperative with me in dealing with Derek. She does not automatically side with him as a lot of parents in this situation seem to. She acknowledges that he is an issue.). Derek exhibits the behavior of someone who has a combination of ADHD, obsessive compulsive disorder and, at times, mental retardation. I feel like when he becomes a teenager, he will wear black trench coats and spend his time plotting my demise. People that spend only a few minutes with him say he is so smart and well behaved it drives me crazy. He has everyone fooled because he can act sweet and nice to new people and read a few pages out of a book. He is a little manipulator and has stretched the boundaries of my better nature far beyond their limits.

Despite my best efforts to make sure he doesn't get spoiled, he is given way more than he deserves or what is healthy and reasonable to give a child. A million toys, video games, candies... anything he wants. This mostly comes from the outside (3 sets of grandparents and a Disneyland dad), so I have limited control over this. As much as I am not the kind of person to deflect blame off of myself for my own parental shortcomings, Ethel's parents have become quite a problem for us and I'll explain why.

As I mentioned, when I met Ethel, she was going to school and living with her parents. My suspicion is that Derek was practically raised by Ethel's parents up to this point. When Ethel became pregnant with my son, she had also been accepted into nursing school. We decided she would do both. Have the baby and go to nursing school. For the last 2 years, I have been providing the financial support all the while she has gone to school and taking care of the kids. Unfortunately, this meant that her parents had to assist us in watching the kids when it was time to study, work.. and let's be honest... go out on the occasional Friday night. We both work very hard and need to get away from the kids once in awhile. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. Admittedly, we have started to get a bit lazy and had Ethel's parents watch the kids more often than we really needed to.

On a typical weekday, I usually get home when it's almost time for the kids to go to bed, so I can usually tolerate Derek during that time. Mind you, my biological son is no saint and is entering the terrible twos.. which compounds our problems. When the weekend comes though, all bets are off. It's me and Derek for 48 hours straight and that's when life becomes just unbearable. Family home life has become so miserable for me that I'm on the brink of leaving. That would be the easy answer but I truly love Ethel and, of course, my biological son. I just want to be with them. I don't love Derek and, as much as I've tried to, I just want him to go away so I can have my family without him in it. I hate myself for this thinking and for hating another child. It really depresses me. I feel that I am completely failing as a parent.. and as the decent person I thought I was. I feel like I have made a terrible mistake in getting involved with someone who already has a child. However, it's too late. I already made the decision to start this and if I leave, I will lose my girl and my son.... and Derek wins.

Ethel and I have been planning a vacation out of town for a week in celebration of her graduation and for a much needed break. Yesterday, I almost lost it. Derek told his mother that he can't wait until she goes away on a plane. I very calmly explained to him that what he just said was very rude and that he just hurt his mother's feelings. After all that she does for him, he should love her and treat her with respect. He then proceeded to ignore me and say something completely nonsensical. He might as well have just told me to F off. I have never wanted to physically hurt a person more than I did at that moment. Of course I didn't, but I'm worried things are only going to get worse and I'm losing control of this situation.. honestly, I don't think I ever had it. Now I'm thinking it's probably not wise for us to go on vacation because he will be spending an entire week with Ethel's parents.. which will be death for us when we get back. They will pump him up with so much sugar and load him up with so many toys and 2am bedtimes that when we come back, it will take a week to get him back to just being an A-hole.

Some advice please.. for the love of my sanity. Help me keep this family together.