Husband has resentment
I finally told my husband that it's hard to live with a man that is very resentful..We are both confused after I had told him that his daughter will need to go back to her mother in June...The last 3 years have been hell with her and now that it has come down to it he is very confused and doesn't know if he'll leave with his daughter or stay with myself and our 7yr old son..I never would've thought that it would all end this way but I cannot fight it if this is best..Just for all stepparents out there if and when there is a stepchild coming into your home make sure you and your spouse truly have a strong, loving relationship and will support each other...My husband was too weak to let her know the rules or give her any consequences so she ran the house and disrespected the home and myself, bullied our 7yr old son and he never stood strong..We had agreed once she went back with mom we would start to work on our relationship but last night as we spoke the truth came out , he thought I was bluffing and in a month or two I would change my mind and she could stay and everything would stay as is (toxic environment). I stood strong and said once I make up my mind I do not go back on my word..Then he proceeded to say that he will be very resentful once she's gone I just told him that I love him very much but if he chooses to be not involved with us emotionally especially for his son then he is doing more damage that way..I'm CONFUSED myself...I'm stuck either way...
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This is what I don't
This is what I don't understand... that this man is willing to leave you and a (good) son behind for what? A disrepectful brat? Why is it the bad kids get all the attention and the good kids get the crumbs? It's like this in schools, in homes, and it's just absurd.
way to go dh, give good son a
way to go dh, give good son a broken family, too ~ dumb ass!
what a very painful situation for you & bs, i hope dh sees the light and comes around, but if not, you are making the right decision by making him a part of your past.
best of luck for your family!
GoAway...I am so sorry to
GoAway...I am so sorry to hear this. I can only imagine the hurt and anger you are probably experiencing.
As a stepmom for the last 16 years, I feel my DH and I have a pretty good relationship...but my SD19 can put that wedge in there, too.
We had 50/50 custody until HS...when mom left the state free and clear. I was stuck with their daughter for the HS years, which are already turbulent. Toss in your completely disabled BM left the state and left you behind, along with the entire BM family and you have four hellish years of SD bullsh!#.
Good for you for standing up for yourself. If your DH is going to walk away from you and his son...he is showing his true colors.
My DH gave up custody of
My DH gave up custody of SD15. He has gotten somewhat over it and has finally stopped blaming me. But, it has been a long time to get here. We still struggle with it. It truly damaged us. Knowing what I know now, I would have left him when it was really bad...This is hell to recover from. So many things were said that can not be undone.
Honestly, I think you are better off raising your son alone with structure and guidance that he will never get with this man, who couldn't parent his first child effectively. THink about your son and do what is in his best interest.
If mine had been more affected by SD, I would have left. Thankfully, he has come out of most of this unscathed...But, honestly, that is because I raised him alone for 7 years before DH came along...
this is exactly how i feel
this is exactly how i feel about the situation. he resents you for not tolerating an intolerable situation that is his OWN fault?
i'm sure you didn't only just now figure it out and then lay down an ultimatum. i imagine you, throughout these 3 years, said hey, dh you need to set down some rules with consequences for sd. and he's going to resent you for no longer being a doormat?
i suppose you all could just separate until after sd moves out, i've heard of that happening.
My Dh gave up both his
My Dh gave up both his delinquents at the ages of 16 and 15, and it was me making him make that choice. More like I said, "those two are not allowed on this property ever again, if you want a relationship with your kids- it has to be somewhere else."
Three years of complete hell with trying to blend a family with them and ex and ex-inlaw hell- I found my line in the sand.
At first, DH was resentful, but with time he saw on his own how his kids disrespected him on a regular basis and how they didn't really want him to parent them.
Today, we are stronger than ever as a couple and it is thanks to me drawing the line. If I hadn't, we would not be together today- they all would have ripped us apart.
Not my monsters, not my
Not my monsters, not my problem. They have a mother and it is not me.
Oh bait, bait , bait! I know
Oh bait, bait , bait! I know what a great man my husband is, and I am a lucky woman.
Dh gave up SD15 and that
Dh gave up SD15 and that doesn't make him a bad man, that makes him a realistic one. He couldn't beat BM in court and if the kid doesn't want to be here, you can not force him. Personally I think he is wonderful for recognizing it before it destroyed everyone in the house....
Realistic-exactly. Just
Realistic-exactly. Just because my DH didn't want to continue chaos for two other kids and our relationship-doesn't mean he didn't love his kids. They wanted NO part of living a nice life with a nice family. Not my monsters, BM created who they are and now she gets to live with the implications of the PAS and outrageous loads they are. I WILL NOT.
Yes he did, he used TOUGH
Yes he did, he used TOUGH LOVE, you know, that thing used years ago by actual parents, where the parent had expectations and RULES. They refused in so many ways, so they were not allowed on our property. Then, without the ability to suck dad's wallet dry, and cause complete chaos, THEY decided they did not want him to be their parent. Besides, IF I wrote down the full story of how it all came about, it would be a novel. But alas, easy to judge when you are without all the story and maybe on a bit of a higher horse than you should be for being on this website.
So if your DH has written off
So if your DH has written off his kids, why are YOU here?
sounds like your problem is solved.
Your life is perfect, why are
Your life is perfect, why are YOU here?
::Gigglysnort:: This was
::Gigglysnort::
This was funny.
Yeah, GREAT MEN don't give up their children.
If you call that great, then your DH has an awfully easy bar to reach!!
Sometimes you have to cut
Sometimes you have to cut your losses. If the BM won't parent with you, the kids are doomed. It is not neccessarily that he gave up, it was because he couldn't fit a losing battle. Why keep fighting something you can't win? THe kids want no rules and Dad is the evil one that wants to set up rules. BM's don't value their place in their childs life so the kids run amuck and eventually this is who they are. Why should Dad keep getting beat up for giving up? How long does he have to take the abuse?
That was our situation- had
That was our situation- had to cut our losses. Judgey today, aren't we?
And...I wasn't a NEW wife, I
And...I wasn't a NEW wife, I had been the wife for three years, BM was in and out of prison, on and off meth, pot, alcohol, giving kids the same as she was taking- I was the prison guard, so to speak, to keep meth and pot from entering my home, while DH worked his ass of to provide for our family. Do you think BM contributed? NO. Unless you count a pound of pot and a couple of sixtenths of meth given to her darling children as a gift after stealing the IRS refund?
I am no way advocating just shutting kids out of the parents life, but reality has to take over and guide how far you will let things spin out of control, then you create BOUNDARIES.
YOU MEAN MOMMY'S LITTLE
YOU MEAN MOMMY'S LITTLE PROBLEMS! She is the one who poisoned the loads, not him. And I don't care who takes care of them now,they are well bodied to get a job, as they like to couch surf, not my problem, CS was paid by DH until recently...they are now of age to represent themselves.
And I still check in here every once in a while because there are so many amazing women on here like Auter, and others that I like to check on, along with having the lingering PTSD from having to deal with all the trauma that was my life.
I can honestly say nothing,
I can honestly say nothing, and I mean NOTHING, would cause me to abandon my children. Not a pain in the ass ex, not a new spouse who demands it, not even if my children were murderers.
That's what UNCONDITIONAL love is. No conditions.
I could never respect a man who gave up his children, but that is my prerogative.
love still allows for
love still allows for expectations to be met. did the dad "give up" on his children or did he not allow them to live with him because they choose to terrorize everybody else in the family?
it's not OK for kids to do this and some do that's why they live in homes away from their parents, even in intact families have to make this choice with a wayward kid.
if a child/teenager is a true terror at dad's house and mom is ok with that behavior then they can be given a choice, if you choose to act like that than you can no longer live here. he's not throwing them out with nowhere to go, and bm would probably be glad bd is out of the picture.
at that point did they try to maintain a relationship with the child, did they go to lunch or see them at all, did the child snub the requests?
there are too many factors to be written in a blog to make a proper judgement...
and really, should one kid who terrorizes the entire family be treated with more consideration than everybody else?
if a child physically abused your child what would you say?
if a child habitually stole from your family what would you say?
if your child was abusing drugs and encouraging others in the family to do the same what would you say?
if a child, no matter what you did spat in your face and told you and everybody else to f off constantly for years...what would you say?
etc ad nauseum...
these are not normal situations, they are not YOUR situations, maybe your opinion would change a bit if you really did have to live through this kind of hell.
i do not live through this thankfully, but i have gotten a taste of it, and i'm not going to judge people before i know more than a paragraph worth of text about the situation.
"if a child physically abused
"if a child physically abused your child what would you say?
if a child habitually stole from your family what would you say?
if your child was abusing drugs and encouraging others in the family to do the same what would you say?
if a child, no matter what you did spat in your face and told you and everybody else to f off constantly for years...what would you say?
etc ad nauseum..."
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
This was my life. That is why they had to go. DH tried to have a relationship with them outside of our home...they would not.
So I wasn't "gloating", I was simply trying to express that for the above reasons the kids were no longer allowed here.
Wow - You can not make it so
Wow - You can not make it so clear cut...Sometimes, they have to give up and hope that someday these kids come back. DH feels that maybe when she is in her twenties she will come back, when she is out of BM's house. I personally doubt it. My own father has given up on my sisters. It happens and these dad's have to walk away to protect their own sanity. For my dad it was when one christmas, he spent a fortune on my nephew and never got a thank you note. That was his tipping point. He was tired of trying and she never reciprocated. Same thing with the other sister.
DH has tried again and again with SD and she blows him off. Now her birthday is on April 2nd and I am sure that is when she will reach out to him. Thankfully, he won't give her anything unless he has some type of relationship with him. Me, I would send her something only because it is her 16th and I am stupid...
He hasn't seen her in almost a year...She lives one subdivision over. How sick is that?
Yes, he has given up and he is definitely a real man!!!
"Yes, he has given up and he
"Yes, he has given up and he is definitely a real man!!!"
Mine too, and he definitely is a real and great man!
I think so much more highly of him since he found his balls and has boundaries of what behaviors he will tolerate from others.
Kayro, Do you have children?
Kayro,
Do you have children? I really don't understand why this is so hard for you to see this from other's point of view.
Sometimes you DON'T keep fighting. You act like people have a choice in this. When you have teenagers that steal, lie, cheat, get physical, and they have another parent tnat condones this behavior-there is NOTHING you can do.
And I banned SD15 from my house 2 years ago, and I don't feel one bit bad about it. She doesn't know how to behave because her mom raises neanderthals? Not my problem.
DH tried to parent that mess, and he didn't see her for 4 years. So see, not everything is that cut and dried.
she does have children, 3,
she does have children, 3, one adult and 15 year old boy and 12 year old girl, i think. but she's not a step parent. her kids are pretty good. their father walked out on them at a young age and he has not been involved financially or emotionally in their life.
as a note, her post is not an extension of mine, when it switched pages it just attached after mine for some reason.
I guess I can look at it this
I guess I can look at it this way because I have lived it. I mean, even with your own children, you don't let them run crazy. Well, I guess some do, because the vibe I am getting from Kayro is they can act as stupid as possible and they are still children and you should keep trying. I think she is applying this to what she would do with her own children, that she does have control over.
She isn't a stepparent? Then what the heck is she talking about?
i can't speak for kayro, but
i can't speak for kayro,
but from her posts she seems to be a good mom who disciplines her children and has high expectations for them.
OK???? But what does that
OK????
But what does that have to do with her being a stepparent and being in a situation like this to give advice? :?
I don't see how having his
I don't see how having his daughter live with her mother makes him no longer a parent. He can still be involved and emotionally there for her, even if they aren't living under the same roof.
By the same token, if he chooses to move out and live with his daughter, how does that prevent him from still being involved and being a father to his son with Goaway? You've seen the other side of this and are fully aware of how important it is to put the child first and co-parent, regardless of what happened between you and his father. I would think that given what you've seen BM do to SD, you wouldn't want the same thing to happen to your child. That doesn't mean stay together, that means whatever happens you both act like parents. You love your child more than you hate your ex.
Yes, giving up custody means giving up some control, but I don't see how that automatically translates into "turning your back" on a child. Yes, it's harder if she's living with her mother for him to talk to her and stay involved, but putting forth the effort still makes him very much a parent. Geography has little to do with, just like the BMs who have custody who would rather babysit than parent. Giving birth doesn't make you a parent, living with a child doesn't make you a parent. Acting like a parent makes you a parent.
I agree. Only adding that if
I agree. Only adding that if her DH ends up leaving, then it is on him, not Goaway for not wanting the SD in their home. It should not affect his parenting... unless SD doesn't want to interact with him and/or BM isn't a willing partner and/or it is not in him to parent from a far.
IMO, I would have very little respect for DH if he choose to break up the family rather than send SD back to BM. He choose to make those vows, and well, those should be honored over trying to take care of ONE TEEN that has issues. He will have to put up with those issues out on his own also, it will not magically get better for he and SD and her behaviors when he moves out.