Exwife has made our life hell and now bf thinks I'm the problem and wants to break up!
I am a 31 yo in a relationship with a 38 yo man with two little girls, ages 6 and 8. We live together and have 50% custody. The bio mom has tried to make our life hell ever since we started dating. It has been tough to say the least. From harassing texts, emails to verbal altercations, she is a complete narcissistic psycho that cannot accept the fact that another woman is involved in raising her children. My bf has never really stood up to her or set boundaries until I remained adamant that they were in place (blocked number on cell, communication thru email, etc). Before we started dating, she controlled his whole life with the kids and there were 0 boundaries in place. She would try to come over to drop off kids clothes, forgotten books, etc in an attempt to be involved constantly. She attempted to get full custody in court a few months ago and the judge verbally reprimanded her for being jealous of me (evidenced by several emails) and not being able to move on with her own life. She didn't win and the only outcome was a stricter parenting schedule with little room for error. My bf and I have been to counseling on an inconsistent basis. I have researched a lot on step parenting, crazy exwives, narcissists, you name it. I just don't think he understands her m.o. And he thinks I need to ignore it all. I try, and it's easier when firm boundaries are in place.
So, all the tension that she brings and has shown for the past years has caused resentment to build up in me. My bf and I fight and argue all the time. It is awful bc I love him so much but I don't understand why he never stood up in the first place?! It has created so much anger within me that now my bf wants to break up. He says I am obsessed with her and I am the crazy one. Yes, I have been very, very unhappy and angry for much of our relationship but he doesn't see WHY I have been that way. I became a negative, controlling person bc of the hurt and resentment I feel. I am currently staying elsewhere...just needing advice. I'm hurt, confused and in disbelief it has come to this!
Hello, I am a little aware of
Hello,
I am a little aware of your situation. When my husband's ex-wife discovered he was seeing me, she tried to keep the children from us. Then called me to try to intimidate me. Unfortunately for her, I have a pretty high self esteem and being in the military, I know that they are just words.
You need to realize your boyfriend is in the middle of all this chaos. Not only is he trying to nurture your relationship with him, he is trying to shield his daughters from as much hurt as possible. His daughters could not be more in the middle. Here they are torn between father and mother, and now their father is seeing another woman. It's tough.
Perhaps you should look at ways to be more nurturing toward your boyfriend. Do not allow his ex to dictate your home, life, or any relationships. In the end that is exactly what she wants. Knowing the anger she is inflicting on you and your boyfriend will bring her joy. Instead of letting things bother you, let it roll off your back. It is difficult, I know this from personal experience. Time is so precious, why waste it bickering with someone you love....
You are right, about finding
You are right, about finding ways to nurture our relationship and him. That is hard to focus on when there is so much tension and uneasiness. I'm not sure if it's too little, too late. Yes, I try to ignore her crap but the problem is the resentment it has built in me over the past 2 years. I have a hard time letting it go, although I desperately need to do so.
I agree 100%. That is so
I agree 100%. That is so great to hear. Thank you so much. Without friends to talk to (bc no one really 'gets' the situation except ppl that are in a similar one) I find the advice on these blogs so valuable.
I am so torn and hurt by the
I am so torn and hurt by the outcome of all this. I know I don't deserve this. He has slowly put up boundaries with the BM but I dealt with 2 years of on/off boundaries. Complete inconsistency. I don't care about the piece of trash she is, but it's HIS actions that I can't stand. I had no idea my actions to attempt to set boundaries with her (and him) would lead to the demise of our relationship.
Oh, honey, I feel your pain.
Oh, honey, I feel your pain. I'm in a similar situation, and the nutty ex-wife makes me feel even nuttier. (For example, she tried to sue for full custody because my partner wouldn't do her homework for her like he did when they were married.) The answer, as I can see, is what ditzyblnd laid out above. He has to be behind you. You deserve for him to be behind you. The reason my partner's ex got all mad was that - once I was in the picture - he stopped being there for her. But he never stopped being there for his daughter. It's hard at first; but it's the best thing. People have to learn how not to be married.
You are trying to change
You are trying to change something in their routine and set world of habits. change is difficult and it may well be that your boyfriend is rebelling against the change and what he knows to be his set world of rules and habits. You are the intruder because you are trying to change that around and build a new set of rules and habits. If your boyfriend is not ready for it he will react the way he does and resist change and want to keep the status quo. I am afraid you will not be able to move forward if he is not ready for a life with you and that means change - real change. Please, take very very good care of YOU and love yourself so that you can make the best choice for You. As someone that has walked in your shoes- I understand and please , please look after YOU.
What's keeping him from
What's keeping him from standing up ifor anyone, including himself, is FEAR. He tries to appease everyone around bc it is fear based. You are spot on with the projection he does toward me. Blaming me for being controlling and bossy? That's exactly what BM attempts to do to us! Dictate and call the shots as to what happens in our home. Funny how steps are always the convenient scapegoats. Of course its all our fault! Why wouldn't it be???
I love him so much, I do want it to work out between us but not at the sake of my happiness. My counselor said if he didnt 'get it' before, why would he now? So true, but I'm still hoping he does. It's crazy to me how very little I'm asking of him (non-engagment with BM, don't respond unless emergency, minimal contact) etc and ive told him so. I said I know in my heart and in my mind what I'm requiring isnt too much and it's the right thing for everyone, kids included.