BM has a Narcissistic Personality Disorder
For the past 3 weeks I've been doing a lot of reading on stepparenting and PAS and really anything related to the topic of children and blended family. I have learned lots and it's been terrific my relationship with my fiancé. I read to myself, I dog ear important content, I then read to him and now he is asking for the books because he wants to read. We have gone from arguing about BM and skids to learning and establishing plans for how "we" are going to deal with or try to reduce problems. It's more positive vs the negative we were constantly bumbarded with on a daily basis. For months I've been trying to figure out "why BM doesn't "get" boundaries". BM feels she can do whatever, say whatever, and intrude on our life however she wants whenever she wants. My fiancé has established boundaries and has stood his ground but she acts like they don't exist and for the life of me I have not been able to figure out if she is just stupid or just feels that she is above it all. I recently read about a narcissistic personality and now I know...bm is exactly this personality. Now I know how to deal with her and I feel like another piece of the puzzle has been found. See below...
1. Shamelessness - Shame is the feeling that lurks beneath all unhealthy narcissism, and the inability to process shame in healthy ways.
2. Magical thinking - Narcissists see themselves as perfect using distortion and illusion known as magical thinking. They also use projection to dump shame onto others.
3. Arrogance - A narcissist who is feeling deflated may reinflate by diminishing, debasing, or degrading somebody else.
4. Envy - A narcissist may secure a sense of superiority in the face of another person's ability by using contempt to minimize the other person.
5. Entitlement - Narcissists hold unreasonable expectations of particularly favorable treatment and automatic compliance because they consider themselves special. Any failure to comply will be considered an attack on their superiority and the perpetrator is considered to be an "awkward" or "difficult" person. Defiance of their will is a narcissistic injury that can trigger narcissistic rage.
6. Exploitation - can take many forms but always involves the exploitation of others without regard for their feelings or interests. Often the other is in a subservient position where resistance would be difficult or even impossible. Sometimes the subservience is not so much real as assumed.
7. Bad Boundaries - narcissists do not recognize that they have boundaries and that others are separate and are not extensions of themselves. Others either exist to meet their needs or may as well not exist at all. Those who provide narcissistic supply to the narcissist will be treated as if they are part of the narcissist and be expected to live up to those expectations. In the mind of a narcissist, there is no boundary between self and other.
These all apply to bm!!! It's incredible. Not only is she like this now, but according to fiancé and family and friends this is who she is! It's better to know than not! I guess, lol 
- zenjetset's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
OMG! That is my skids bm
OMG! That is my skids bm perfectly! She can't even keep friends for long because they will eventually say something she doesn't want to hear so she will cut all ties with them. She refused to let my sd (then 13) goto her softball tournament because neither her nor dh could go, yet she called me a horrible mother because I forced my son into the navy when I seen he only wanted to sit on his ass and play on the computer. She used to use the kids so she could spend time with dh. Told dh that he had to goto her house to visit with the kids. The list goes on and on with examples I could give that shows how well she fits into this lol
ZenJetSet - DH and I actually
ZenJetSet - DH and I actually believe that BM over here is NPD as well. I did a lot of research on it for a while, and even bought the book "Children of the Self Absorbed" to try to figure out how to help SD cope.
You may want to check out these links:
http://www.steptalk.org/node/17288
http://www.steptalk.org/node/17289
http://www.steptalk.org/node/17290
http://www.steptalk.org/node/17291
A co-worker recommended this
A co-worker recommended this book when I was telling her about DH's ExW and his child and all of the BS we were going through. My co-worker's own parents are narcissists, so she gives me a lot of insight on how to deal with it.
Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up's Guide to Getting over Narcissistic Parents by Nina Brown.
I am actually surprised at
I am actually surprised at how many BM's that we deal with on this particular site (because this site is for ALL step situations, not just happy ones) actually could be or are NPD. SD's therapist thinks our BM is more histrionic, than NPD... but DH and I have to deal with the woman all the time... Ha!
Stick & Shaman29 -- thanks
Stick & Shaman29 -- thanks for the links and book suggestion! I will definately be going to my local library to get the book. Have you found that the more you read and gather information the more at peace you feel? I'm not perfect by any means, but I do live my life as normally as I can without holding resentment towards others, or lying, or being manipulative, or without morals. I try to care for people whether I like them or not, but bm has just no clue it's always about her and f everyone else -- including her kids! The only time she feel compiled to work with us on anything is when she needs something or wants something.
Zenjetset - Girl!! Just
Zenjetset - Girl!! Just reading this made me feel like hugging you. I know exactly what you mean, and I feel I am the same way. I am a problem solver... so I have to try to figure out what the deal is, and then even though I can't change it, I can at least try to understand it.
You nailed exactly how I feel too...
It's still mind-boggling how people can live like that. Hope the links and the book help!!
WOW..pretty scary...BM is not
WOW..pretty scary...BM is not this way but BF daughter is exactly the way everything is described above and she is only 10 years old.
JoJo, I think you mean the 10
JoJo, I think you mean the 10 year old is described by the histrionic disorder? I think some of that COULD just be her age. I mean, you could get her checked out, but a lot of that stuff sounds like a typical 10 year old. (not the seductive stuff, but some of the other stuff??)
BM over here always prides herself and brags about being "childlike".
DH over here says that BM isn't child-like, she is childish. BIG DIFFERENCE.
I think that's part of the problem with histrionic / NPD disorders. The personalities of those people don't develop past a certain stage, and then they make up behaviors to keep them in that stage of development.
I respect that but seriously
I respect that but seriously something is not right with a child who has no conscience....thinks she is better than everyone else....is completely out of touch with reality...and has no interest in anything that doesn't benefit her. I know she is just a child but I have 3 kids of my own and they never acted this way.
Jojo - thanks for
Jojo - thanks for understanding. The big red flag for me would be no conscience. That is the scariest one. Even self-centered kids can sometimes have a conscience or a soft spot. But only wanting to do things that benefit themselves, and no conscience for others is sad and scary at the same time. SD was like this a lot and to some extent still is, but not as bad. A lot of it had to do with her mom.
I also personally blame society today somewhat as a whole, with the "no child left behind".. No one is able to lose any games... No one is able to think that they are average or normal... and all of the media that perpetuates that all kids are talented and stars. SD over here was telling me that every child is unique and special. Right... every child is unique and special... that does not mean that every child is talented or a rock star or doesn't need to conform or even attempt to conform to the basic rules of civilization.
What I can't figure out for the life of me, is that so many people of my generation (46 years old) were raised similar to me (respecting adults, understanding that I have to earn things, and not just expecting people to hand me money) seem to be the same generation that are raising entitled children.
I don't get it. I understand wanting for kids to have better than ourselves. That's something every generation does. But I do think kids today are so out of whack entitled and somewhat spoiled. And those issues lead to personality disorders. (Again, all my opinion, I am not qualified in any way shape or form to just spout sh*t off. !! )
I totally agree....and I
I totally agree....and I don't get it either...I learned to be respectful, honest and helpful...not that I was a complete angel but I tried. I raised my kids to be the same. I don't understand raising these kids to be so unproductive and undesirable to be around.
For sure I will share all
For sure I will share all links and books! I will gather up the info and post here later today! As I mentioned, it has really help our relationship and I'm looking forward to seeing my sd11 & 6! My fiancé is just as excited about the reading and sharing. I know we are sometimes focus in the negative parts of our situations and getting in that rut sometimes prevents us from seeing the good we as (step) parents can do not only for our spouses but for these children that didn't ask for any of this crap that they too have to deal with. And we should remember, that if we as adults find it mind boggling then how can we expect a child (whatever age that child is) to make sense of it and be able to filter all the crap they too see, hear and feel. Trust me, I sometimes want to pull out my hair because of the things the sd do or say...but they only have the image of bm & her crazy family (including narcissistic grandma) to model after. It is my hope that I will be able to present a different model to them cause there's always another way to live!
Stick *hugs*!!! I agree with
Stick *hugs*!!! I agree with you comment too about not developing emotional after a certain age. Months ago I told my fiancé that I felt bm was stuck at age 25 because if her behavior. I have travelled all over the world, lived in several states, have been "single" for a good portion of my life though not alone, meaning I've had some short term and long term relationships that have allowed me to blossom into a whole person. I've had good experiences and bad with relationship. I was married and divorced. I've suffered abuse both emotional & physical, and survived! bm has not, she married (16 years) to one man, still in her mid 40's she acts like 25 spoiled and only concerned for herself. She has not travelled or really worked, still lives in the same town she grow up in and she moved during separation two blocks from her mom! Still lives there! She is very immature and treats kids like her friends rather than a patent child relationship! She is emotionally stunted!!! And it shows, she puts no effort into anything or anyone except herself, similar to how a single, childless, never married, 25 year old who is more concerned about where the next party and latest fashion than budgeting or maintaining house.
For the record....I realize
For the record....I realize the above is a general statement and not all 25 year olds are like that. I was not like that when I was 25 but I'm just kinda venting about bring stunted emotionally.