Bio mom has made our life hell and now bf wants me out!
I am a 31 yo in a relationship with a 38 yo man with two little girls, ages 6 and 8. We live together and have 50% custody. The bio mom has tried to make our life hell ever since we started dating. It has been tough to say the least. From harassing texts, emails to verbal altercations, she is a complete narcissistic psycho that cannot accept the fact that another woman is involved in raising her children. My bf has never really stood up to her or set boundaries until I remained adamant that they were in place (blocked number on cell, communication thru email, etc). Before we started dating, she controlled his whole life with the kids and there were 0 boundaries in place. She would try to come over to drop off kids clothes, forgotten books, etc in an attempt to be involved constantly. She attempted to get full custody in court a few months ago and the judge verbally reprimanded her for being jealous of me (evidenced by several emails) and not being able to move on with her own life. She didn't win and the only outcome was a stricter parenting schedule with little room for error. My bf and I have been to counseling on an inconsistent basis. I have researched a lot on step parenting, crazy exwives, narcissists, you name it. I just don't think he understands her m.o. And he thinks I need to ignore it all. I try, and it's easier when firm boundaries are in place.
So, all the tension that she brings and has shown for the past years has caused resentment to build up in me. My bf and I fight and argue all the time. It is awful bc I love him so much but I don't understand why he never stood up in the first place?! It has created so much anger within me that now my bf wants to break up. He says I am obsessed with her and I am the crazy one. Yes, I have been very, very unhappy and angry for much of our relationship but he doesn't see WHY I have been that way. I became a negative, controlling person bc of the hurt and resentment I feel. I am currently staying elsewhere...just needing advice. I'm hurt, confused and in disbelief it has come to this!
Scream, cry, cuss..do
Scream, cry, cuss..do whatever you need to get the hurt and anger out.
Once that is done, dust yourself off and carry on with your life. You will find someone WITHOUT baggage and WITH balls.
Mr. Wrong just stepped out of your life so that you can have room for Mr. Right.
So true. Thanks you for your
So true. Thanks you for your advice. It is really weird how I am the bad guy at the end of the day. Well, pardon me if I have a difficult time putting up with your ex's bs for tooooo long!
I agree completely. That
I agree completely. That family seems way too far gone, and they were nuts long before you got tangled up in their disfunction. Nothing will change when you leave, and it'll be just another gong show for the next step who dares enter that family's business. Nothing you can do if the bio-mom can't address her psychological issues, and more importantly, if Dad won't set boundaries. Run for the hills! There are truly lots of fish in the sea, and you're still so young! Good luck;)
Thank you! I really
Thank you! I really appreciate the advice. I'm desperate for some clear direction at this point.
You have done the hard part
You have done the hard part and moved out. So move on with your life. If he asked you to leave he is not worthy of your commitment.
As a man I can assure you that no one is worth dedication and commitment when they pull the bullshit your BF has done to you. Leave him with his pathetic victimhood to BM. They deserve each other.
Good luck.
You have moved out, a hard
You have moved out, a hard thing to do. Now you ned to move on, even harder, but I can assure you, nothing will change. If he hasn't set boundaries with her in the past and his solution is to blame you and ask you to move out instead of telling her to pull her head in, you are so much better off without him. If you stay you will finish up with teenage stepkds who will be every bit as crazy in their behaviour towards you as their mum. Your life is difficult now, it will be a living hell if you stay with a man who would rather ask you to move out and break up than sort out the ex. These people will always be crazy and two more are in training for the craziness, his daughters. Stay out. You don't deserve this crap. You are only 31, stay and you will in the blink of an eye find yourself 41 with teenage kids who hate you, a BM who hates you and a husband who will still be blaming you for the mess he created.
I have to firmly agree with
I have to firmly agree with emotionally beat up. I'm at a similar point in my relationship, because of a lot of variables, from a bitch of a BM to always being number 3 and set aside for her and the skid. It truly is exhausting. He recently asked me for a separation to "find himself" because he's depressed and needs "space". Such BS. I'm moving July 1st and although I feel like my heart has been torn from my chest with a rusty fork, I see the light at the end of the very dark tunnel. It's going to be ok. And you are going to be ok.
When I say "he" I meant DH.
He slowly and inconsistently
He slowly and inconsistently set boundaries with her. It was all at my insistence. It felt like 3 steps forward, 5 steps back.
For the past year life with me became unbearable, as a result of inconsistent boundaries. Fighting, arguing, me nagging all the time, me getting aggressive, etc. I am sorry for my actions and I take responsibility for them. However, I told him I never would've gotten so angry and resentful IF their were boundaries in the first place.
The problem is HE never set
The problem is HE never set boundaries YOU did. He just went along with you because it was easier,just like it is easier to go along with her to shut her up. Guys like this don't change. They go through there lives doing whatever it takes to shut people up. They get angry and resentful because no one is happy with them. They think they are martyrs and can't understand why everyone is in the shits with them after they have tried so hard to give everyone what they wanted. They cannot see. That in trying to avoid confrontation, in trying to just shut everyone up and never resolving the problem, all they have done is make everyone in their lives miserable. They are lazy, weak and selfish. They see themselves as victims. They don't change. They think they are trying to make everyone happy, but the reality is they are just trying to make themselves happy. They are trying to get through life by taking the easy way out......agree with everybody, but do nothing for anybody.
emotionally beat up… Wow.
emotionally beat up…
Wow. What a post! You are so insightful. That is so true, I want to frame it on my wall. LOL.
"They get angry and resentful because no one is happy with them. They think they are martyrs and can't understand why everyone is in the shits with them after they have tried so hard to give everyone what they wanted." GOLDEN WORDS!!!
x
Decades ago I was with a man
Decades ago I was with a man for several years. We fought and fought. He would do something horrible and then in retaliation I would be awful. Then he would jump on my words and I'd feel guilty because I had said some pretty rotten things. I'd apologize for what I'd said and we would never have addressed his wrong doings.
Finally at one point I just decided "so what". When he'd tell me how horrible I was I'd just agree. Yup I'm bad - deal with it. It took about 6 months but he totally came back begging. The only problem was that I was done with him by then.
Do NOT feel guilty for behavior that he backed you into. There's a man out there with a spine.
Agreed...'emotionally beat
Agreed...'emotionally beat up' WHAT a great post. This forum has been a God-send. It is really helping me see the big picture, which truthfully I have seen all along. You hit the nail on the head. He appeased her long before me to avoid conflict. Then, I came along and he tried to appease me. When he realized he would never be able to appease us BOTH, he took the easy way out and dumped me. Because at the end of the day, he is stuck with her forever.
My fiance said the same
My fiance said the same things to me a couple of days ago - pretty much the exact situation as you.
BM trying to be involved all the time etc.
Honestly, if he is a good man and he LOVES you; stop the pressure (i know its hard), give him time to think and come around. Sometimes men shut-off if we give them too much to think about (they can't handle it) and they emotionally 'check-out'.
Give him time to think things through and take the pressure off, he might be able to see your points and ideas with a clear head.
I tried this and saw a complete 180 turn in him. I am very out-spoken, i put my foot down and take control all the time with situations. Sometimes this is good, but other times we need to say it how a man would need to understand - they are not as diverse as us lol.
Get counseling for yourself,
Get counseling for yourself, walk away and cut your losses. It will be hard but negativity, stress and chaos makes for a unhappy life. Any relationship takes two and if one doesn't want to try or its all one sided then its not going to work.
This is heartbreaking. No,
This is heartbreaking. No, he doesn't really see the need for firm boundaries. I've tried and tried for soooo long to get him to see the clear picture. But, it's comfortable and easy for him to just sit back and not really take a firm stance. I can deal with crazy as long as HE puts a foot down and minimizes contact. His actions are the only actions I care about. We had finally gotten to a point where we agreed on no engagement with her bs. But I'm not sure if it's too little, too late. Or am I making excuses for him that it took so long? I'm not sure if he really wanted boundaries in the first place because he was just going along with what I insisted he do! Funny how he thinks I'm obsessed with her and her actions. I am 'obsessed' (ie put all my effort toward) with setting boundaries in our life. And creating a world of minimal contact and NO harassement. And raising his kids the best I know how--with structure (routine), discipline and love. THAT is what I'm obsessed with.