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paradoxsmom's picture

Submitted by paradoxsmom on Tue, 02/21/2012 - 5:50am

So last night me and DH were talking about his son. Who is doing much better but still has his moments. Anyway him and his ex do not have anything set up with friend of the court, they did the divorce themselves and have set up there own child support. While SS was living with my DH she never paid a dime of child support. Well SS lives with her now and we pay 80 bucks a week, all medical expenses and extra stuff for SS that he needs while there. DH told me last night that his ex, her DH and her there combined 4 sons are not doing well. They don't have a car because theirs stopped running, they are not eating very well, and are just not financially doing so hot. He wants to start giving them 120 a week and a 100 Kroger card once a month. I was kind of shocked because the amount we have set up is what I found on the computer for the amount he makes and the amount of over nights that he has with us.

Maybe I am being selfish but the way she treats me, and the way she treats my DH doesn't make me just want to jump to help them. No one helped me when I was trying to take care of my kids and was slumming it for a bit. I think i would be ok with giving her a Kroger Card once a month but the women has a smart phone and so does her husband, every kid has a phone. Even though they get shut off all the time. I would rather give them something they could use instead of giving them more cash to spend unwisely. One of the reasons why DH and her divorced was because she sucked with money and caused them to go Bankrupt. I would be ok with taking SS clothes shopping and letting him take those clothes home. I am more then willing to support my SS but we have our own family to worry about as well. I don't need to worry about her and her husband and his son and their kids together. My only concern is making sure my SS is eating right and has clothes and shoes and what he needs. I don't want to give her more money to blow... DH is going to do what he thinks is best and because I am not working it means I get little say but darn it rubs me the wrong way...

Comments

Holly's picture

Submitted by Holly on Tue, 02/21/2012 - 6:21am

I tend to agree - it is not your responsibility to try to support 5 other people besides your ss. In fact I think it is lunacy.

Suggest to DH that if they are in such dire financial straits, you will take SS instead at least until they get back on their feet and then they only have to worry about their own children.

oneoffour's picture

Submitted by oneoffour on Tue, 02/21/2012 - 8:01am

I feel sorry for families who are down on their luck. However enabling them to live a lifestyle that is not compatible with your ideals or their income is not a good idea.

They are not at rock bottom and until they re-prioritise their lives and get rid of all those cell phones and make better choices with their money your DH shouldn't hand over an extra $260 a month. Would they do the same for you? That being said, actually getting a landline may be prohibitive now their finances are in such a mess that actually paying the deposit may be beyond them. So getting rid of all the kids cell phones may be the way for them to start.

DH should offer to take SS until the end of the school year which means the $80 is either kept in your pockets or still handed over as 'rent' for the child.

If you plan on doing ANYTHING, buy them one of the financial planning books out there like Dasve Ramsey or that Suzie chick on TV.

stepmasochist's picture

Submitted by stepmasochist on Tue, 02/21/2012 - 8:15am

I do taxes during tax season and I had a young couple come in a few weeks ago. They were talking about how badly they needed a car and she mentioned to her husband while they were in there that they're being fast tracked for food stamps. They opted for the refund anticipation loan and before they left she said, "Ooh, we can get cool new phones and still have about $3500 left for a car." :O They both already had smart phones which they kept futzing with while I was trying to do their taxes.

I work two jobs and don't have a smart phone. Like Bill Cosby said and got berated for, (and I'm totally paraphrasing) maybe poor people are poor for a reason. It's not up to you and your husband to enable them to make more bad decisions. When she comes crying to him again, he should tell her maybe I'd feel sorry for you if you didn't waste so much money on dumb stuff like phones for children.

I like the idea of SS living with you guys until they can get their crap together, but keep in mind that may be never.

paradoxsmom's picture

Submitted by paradoxsmom on Tue, 02/21/2012 - 8:25am

We tried getting SS to live with us. She refused to allow that to happen because she said so (Was her reasoning to us). However, in our area I know more people then she thinks that I do. She needs to keep SS in the home because if he comes to live with us then she doesn't get her Habitat For Humanity house. They wont meet all the qualifications if he leaves the home. SS lives with us in the summer, and she doesn't pay a dime of child support to us. SS lived with DH for a few years, moved back for personal reasons, and he never had the problems he has there.

Over the weekend I made stew and rice. The stew came in a can, hormel I think makes it, and the rice out of a box. It was a quick easy meal because we dropped my kids off before dinner and we got home late. When your hungry and you wanna fill up for under ten bucks, thats how you do it. After he said to me "Wow that was great! Can you make that when I am here again, I feel so full". Now mind you, hes not a skinny kid, he has extra meat on his bones. However, his dad said "Well what did you have for dinner last night?" SS response was "Pixi chicken noodle soup". Both DH and I were taken back, and however sexist this sounds, there is not a single female in that home beside BM. SS over the weekend expressed his desire to live with us, and its not the first time. We have tried to get him here before but she said no.

I just don't want to pay her more money to go down the drain. Their car situation is because she got into an accident (I don't know whos fault). And his broke down the same week so they are borrowing her sisters car for now. Haha I feel like im airing their dirty laundry on here but oh well.

PrincessFiona's picture

Submitted by PrincessFiona on Tue, 02/21/2012 - 8:36am

He should keep in mind that any amount he pays over what is expected now will become expected from here on out. I agree with others who say that he should focus any extra money directly on things that SS needs and not enable BM's household to be irrisponsible with anymore money. It's not his responsibility to save them.

On the other hand if there are things other than money that he can do to help I don't see a problem with that. Everyone struggles sometimes and as humans we should not turn our backs on others who need help, at least when they are willing to also help themselves.

paradoxsmom's picture

Submitted by paradoxsmom on Tue, 02/21/2012 - 8:44am

I like the idea of taking SS gorcery shopping to buy things that he likes. I also suggested to DH this morning that we ask SS what he isn't getting there and see what we can do to help... I don't have a problem making sure he has nice clothes, and nice shoes and nice things... however there is nothing we can do to get them a car, or to have cable, or the things that we do. When he is here, we take them to the movies and do fun things. He did inform us that they are having a bday party at a a bowling alley, which is expensive. So i am confused as to what they need. I just want him to have the nice things, the rest of them can be in rags and eat bread.