Normal 9 yo girl behavior?
I am new to steptalk and new to the drama of BMs, skids, etc.
I am a 31 year old attorney, never married, no kids. My boyfriend, 47, is my law partner and best friend. We moved in together over the summer when we merged firms and leased my house out to a tenant. I have known my BF for years, and have heard his horror stories about his BM, ( a 41 yo attorney he dated 10 yrs ago, who pulled the goalie expecting a ring that never came) for years. I never could have imagined what a front row seat to the constant drama would be like...
Anyway, now his daughter and his drama are a part of my everyday life, and I have noticed some things about her that give me pause. I give her a lot of leeway since she has a pretty shitty situation to deal with. She stays with her mom Mondays & Wednesdays, us Tuesdays and Thursdays, and we alternate weekends. It seems like a lot of shuffling to me, but what do I know?
So she is 9, and for starters still sucks her thumb. I mean a lot. Not just when she thinks no one is watching, but openly around our house all the time (more when she doesn't get her way, or her dad is asking her to do something she doesn't want to do). She has absolutely NO chores at our house or her BM's since I think neither of them ever want to be the bad guy. She is really really spoiled too. She's too important to ever eat leftovers, and usually demands a steak dinner at least twice a week for her dad.
She also has pretty bad hygiene. She often resists showers, doesn't like to brush her hair, and opts for half-assed effort in her appearance in general. Half-ass describes a lot of things with her personality. She eats like a savage, she does sloppy work in school, and she keeps her room pretty messy. She also seems to like toys that are way below her age level and doesn't seem to be as socially mature as the other little girls around her.
Please do not mistake the above assessment as a declaration that I don't like her. To be clear, most of the time she does not make my life miserable. (Her mother is a whole different story) She has her bratty moments, but I leave the discipline and other bs up to her dad. I am just looking for some insight as to whether the behaviors are normal, or for some advice to help her develop more like her peers. Probably not much I can do, since both of her parents baby the shit out of her and expect very little from her. Thanks in advance for any insight 
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Comments
Thumbsucking is a soothing
Thumbsucking is a soothing technique. And it seems with all the shuffling in her life (every other day? that's crazy for her AND all the adults!) she is just trying to comfort herself.
I was a thumbsucker. I actually was until just before my 16th birthday. (Yikes - I know!) however it was a habit that I did when I was alone. (I would 'get in trouble' if my mom or other family caught me)
I only did it in school for like a week in 1st grade. Kids are brutal!
My guess is that she is not sucking her thumb at school.
I would bet that if her custody arrangement was re-worked to give her some stability the thumb sucking would either stop or diminish greatly.
(Yes I had to have jaw surgery and braces to correct the damage I did to my teeth!)
The other stuff - half assed hygiene and laziness - really pretty normal for a 9 year old girl. Especially one that hasn't had expectations set for her. Time for her dad to step up and start giving her some chores and setting expectations.
Good luck!
Agree and agree. The
Agree and agree. The thumbsucking is a coping mechanism, or a means of controlling something in her life. That daily shuffling might make ME curl up all fetal!
The other stuff - like others have said, she needs rules and expectations, followed by consequences when she falls short. Kids will stay helpless and useless as long as they possibly can, so that others continue to do everything for them. They need to be taught otherwise.
Thank you so much for all the
Thank you so much for all the great insight. Fortunately, my boyfriend is very receptive. When he went through his paternity action, he agreed to this schedule because BM didn't bathe their daughter regularly and fed her garbage (kid cuisine microwave meals or frozen pizza every night for dinner). He wanted to make sure that she was clean and ate well at least every other day. He really tries hard to make his time with her count, but as he says, he has to try and do twice the parenting in half the time. BM is the epitome of lazy. She is 41 years old and still has her mother come over every day and get her daughter ready for school. Whenever we suggest anything, it gets shot down & a fight ensues. Example: we wanted to sign SD up for an etiquette class at Nordstrom. We offered to pay for all of it and do all of the transportation so that SD could learn grooming, table manners, and how to be a gracious guest and hostess in a fun setting at the mall. BM literally threw a fit and called SO screaming that if we signed her up, she would make sure that SD could not attend.
I try to give the little girl some latitude since she can't help her parents' high conflict relationship and only hope that as time goes by, she will see her mom for what she is. She hasn't hit the stage where she gives me the "you're not my mom so I don't have to listen to you" attitude. It's actually sort of the opposite. She tells vme that her mom doesn't want her to like me, but she does anyway. The whole thing is kind of sad. I don't take BM's attacks on me too personally, as she'd attack anyone in my position. I'm so glad to have found this site. I'm trying to make 2012 a BM drama free year for me, no matter what she does. Thanks again!
Your DH needs to try and get
Your DH needs to try and get custody of this child. She needs stability, not all this shuffling. Until the girl has some stability in her life, she won't stop the thumb sucking, and her hygiene issue is not going to improve.
No, this is not normal 9 year old girl behavior.