Disengaging for the long haul... Any adverse consequences?
This may sound selfish, and really, it is, but I'm wondering what my long term consequences will be. Any insight is greatly appreciated.
So, I'm engaged to a wonderful man. We are planning our wedding for next fall. He has a daughter (SD10) who is a royal brat. All the standard stuff you see in these posts...acts like a baby, helpless to do anything for herself, poor manners, mediocre school performance, resists showers & hygiene, lazy, smart mouth, etc etc etc. My fiancé is the stereotypical Disney dad, he slacks on discipline, showers her with any and everything she wants, and fails to correct her behavior when it's obnoxious (lots of empty threats though).
When we first got together, I really invested myself in this child. I tried so hard for us to be a happy little family and to push for her to be raised with some discipline & some values. I know he tries his best, but he's fighting a losing battle. I think that if he knew what to do to turn it around, he would do it. But he wants so badly to see his daughter as a sweet little girl even though all the evidence points to the contrary. Anyway, this past Saturday, we went to a wedding on his side of the family, and she was her usual obnoxious self. But at this event, one of the members of his family approached me and out of serious concern said that she thought SD10 needs some therapy before he & I ever have a child that she's exposed to. The comment caught me off guard because my mom has said the same thing.
I have pretty much disengaged after lots of disappointment earlier in our relationship. It works for me, and I mostly ignore her rude behavior. I'm occasionally embarrassed by her behavior in public, but mostly I just feel bad for him because she's not mine, and I know that I didn't raise her to act like a spoiled brat.
Long story short, I don't plan on rocking mine & his boat to push for change, but I have a real fear of what is in store down the road when we do have a kid and when she's a teenager. Anyone disengaged for the long haul? How does it play out down the road?
THANKS IN ADVANCE FOR ANY ADVICE
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Comments
I disengaged for the long
I disengaged for the long haul. SS14 no longer comes around or visits at all. My disengagement also allowed dh to see the huge scope of issues that my ss14 had-he pushed up his sleeves and tried to deal with them and FAILED big time. After that HE disengaged. Some may think that is wrong, but reality is that he had a wife and 3 other kids he needed to think of as well.
Does your fiance have custody? If he just has visitation, by the time she is a teen she may be completely disiniterested in visiting (I know that seems harsh to wish for that) but in some cases it is just for the best.
I'm assuming you are not
I'm assuming you are not custodial for SD10 - it is a lot easier to be disengaged if you are EOW. I have been for nearly 10 years, and the only disadvantages for me are
- I feel I can not step in when I really want to say something to the SDs, because of my policy of disengagement. However, the only time I broke my disengagement to intervene in an argument between SD17 and my DH, it was a disaster, so maybe its for the best.
- I feel quite left out and "on the outside" on SKIDs weekends when he spends most of the time being a Disney dad. I never go out with the SDs and DH - the few times I have, I've not enjoyed it because the SDs behaved like brats.
My situation is maybe a little more straightforward than yours, as I was in my 40s with two bios in their late teens when I met DH, and it was never on the cards for me and him to have a child together, as you may. Good luck for the future.
He had 50/50, but it was
He had 50/50, but it was literally EVERY OTHER DAY! I told him before I would marry him that it had to change, that his kid lived like a gypsy. Now we have her every Thursday & every other weekend. On Tuesdays, he goes to her sports practice & takes her out to dinner, but my attendance is not at all required. Her mom is a nightmare, she's 40 years old, and still has to have HER mom come over in the mornings to get SD10 ready for school. The kid gets dumped on grandma all the time when she's with BM, so really she lives between 3 houses. I think that DH sees that she's turning into a little mini me of her mother, and I k ow it stresses him out. I've just taken the approach of giving him advice only when he asks, and butting out the rest of the time. But I know once I have one of my own, my claws will come out if I perceive that she is being hateful toward my kid.
A few weeks ago, DH & SD10
A few weeks ago, DH & SD10 were at this relative's house. She had her sister & a friend over, both of whom have new 6 month old babies. SD10 got in the friend's baby's face & loudly started telling the baby that he sucked and was boring her, and made a huge production because the baby was getting more attention than her. That coupled with her negative behavior and remarks anytime our wedding comes up is what I think prompted the remark. The relative thought SD10 was beyond bratty & actually aggressive toward this little 6 month old baby. Keep in mind, BM & DH were never married, so there never was a nasty divorce. She's never had any delusions about her parents being together. I would write the comment off, except that my mom says she has similar concerns.
She sounds EXACTLY like my
She sounds EXACTLY like my SD14 at age 12. Totally, 100%. I disengaged completely AND DH put his foot down with her. She no longer visits and LIFE IS GOOD!
No... I'd go bat shit if BM
No... I'd go bat shit if BM came to our house!!! BM has HER MOM come to HER house to get her daughter ready. We manage to get her off to school just fine w no grandparent assistance over here! Lol
Why would you even consider
Why would you even consider having kids with a man that has shown he is a lazy parent? If he can't control his daughter, what makes you think he's going to step to the plate for a child that the two you have together?
YOU will be doing all the heavy lifting and Dad will continue to make empty threats.
I think when it comes to a
I think when it comes to a child he has in his care & custody 24/7 with a supportive partner, he will be a good dad. He laments the way his daughter is being raised, but can only do so much with such a crappy BM.
"I think when it comes to a
"I think when it comes to a child he has in his care & custody 24/7 with a supportive partner, he will be a good dad. He laments the way his daughter is being raised, but can only do so much with such a crappy BM."
My ex-BF used to use the same excuse that his BM didn't support his parenting and that was why his son misbehaved. It's funny, though, the boy's teachers never had any behavioral problems with him, though.
I know you think that if he had his child 24/7 and a supportive partner things would be different. I hope so, at least for your sake. It didn't turn out that way in my case. My ex-BF got full custody of his son, but was still a lazy parent. The BM decided she couldn't handle SD8 anymore and gave him to the BF. So now BF has his son 24/7 literally because BM doesn't even get the son for visits. Not too long ago I had to go over there to pick up some mail that had came to ex-BF's house. I'm trying to talk to ex-BF, because we are still friends, and his son sits down at the table with us, interrupting and trying to interject his two cents into our adult conversation. I'm looking at ex-BF to see what he's going to do, and he does nothing. Disgusted, I got up and left. I don't mean to be a debbie downer, all I'm saying is think long and hard about having kids with him.
I could have written that
I could have written that myself. I want to disengage after two years and all but have. IDK what long term problems will come but foresee the current problems will never go away. Only increasing resentment.
Disengage before your
Disengage before your resentment and hurt turns into a boiling hatred. That is where I am right now after 7 years of being put last and shoved aside. I've been in counseling for 2 months now and it doesn't seem to help the hurt or rage yet.