Wept with gratitude when I found this site
It seems that in my work environment, there are so few SM's . I felt so alone, not having a common experience with anyone, and then I found this site, I wept with gratitude. I never knew there was a step dynamic, and have held out, trying the same thing over and over, with few results, except a lot of hurt and resentment.".... After I found the site,I ordered Stepmonster, read it cover to cover in 2 days, and thought I was doomed, ......not so !!!! I got up, brushed myself off, disengaged, and went to see my counsellor. I have been so much better since. I have really put myself first, hey, no one else does!
- Blue stepmother's blog
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Welcome! This site is my
Welcome! This site is my sanity most days.
Thank you! I'm so glad I've
Thank you! I'm so glad I've found people like me! I have disengaged for 1week now, and SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER!!!!!!!!!!!
Happy you found us Sista! And
Happy you found us Sista! And with you happier, everyone is happier!!!
Stepmonster? God, it never
Stepmonster? God, it never occurred to me to search for books written by inhabitants of this weird world for others living in this weird world. I'm swigging Mylanta dealing with the anxiety of having princess in the house this weekend, the idea of books addressing what we all blog about and help each other out with feels like another lifeline.
Whew.
Welcome, I hope you find this
Welcome, I hope you find this to be a good place to vent, contribute and pick up some useful advice from others who are living the blended family dream.
There are several good reference books for Sparents. StepMonster is a good one.
Rather than disengagement,I find that a strategy of control and accountability works well in my blended family situation. I am a custodial stepdad. My wife and I married when SS-19 was 1yo. He had regular visitation with his SpermClan (7wks a year) until he turned 18 though not much of it was spent with his SpermIdiot.
It took a while but my wife and I ultimately came to the conclusion that we could protect the best interest of our son by establishing and enforcing household rules, hold him accountable for compliance and to strictly and diligently enforce the terms of the CO on the SpermIdiot and SpermClan.
Disengagement can be a good option but I was not willing to surrender control of my home and family to the influences of the SpermClan or risk the possibility that my SS would grow up to be yet another example of the worthlessness of the shallow and poluted end of his gene pool.
So .... our home, and my wife and I will set and enforce the rules. My Skid and my wife are my family and I will protect the best interests of my family with every resource at my disposal. That means that the SpermClan does what I say when I say or they suffer the consequences and they damned well learned to never deviate from the CO.
More of a "F with me and I ruin you" phylosophy than a disengagement phylosophy but it worked to minimize the SpermClan bullshit and allowed us to raise our son to what is appearing to be viable adulthood.
He is 19 and as a Sr. AirMan in the USAF is far more accomplished than his SpermIdiot will ever be and in the next decade or so will be far more successful than the accumulated generations of the SpermClan. He has a plan in place to finish his degree during his first 6yr enlistment then commission as an Officer and then moving on to retire with 20yrs of service at age 38. Then to go private sector in a technology management field. Far more of a plan than I had at 19.
His mom and I flogged (figuratively of course) the value of education in to him from the time he was a toddler. One, the other, or both of us were in college, grad school or working on a professional certification until he was in to his mid teens. He seems to have gotten the message and understands the benefits that an education will give him. He has seen the difference between a family focused on education and one that is focused on the endless persuit of instant gratification for his entire life. He seems to have decided on which example he will follow.
If I can only keep him from succumbing to the full court guilt press from his SpermIdiot and SpermGrandMa to send money for the raising of his three younger also oowl SpermIdiot half sibs by two other baby mamas ..... but we shall see.
Again, welcome.
Best regards,
Thank you for your advice.
Thank you for your advice. Sounds like its a real happy ending. My situation is different because I am the step mom and dad is the Disney dad. Lucky for you, the mom was willing to sit down and establish a plan. They moved into your house. Being a SM is different. Maybe one day the DD will want to do that, but until he does, disengaging is my lifeline. There still are house rules, but I am just not that concerned with all that anymore.its up to him to enforce them. The less I do, the more he does
Blue, No doubt the SM Vs
Blue,
No doubt the SM Vs StepDad role is different in many aspects.
Just a bit of clarification. My wife and SS-19 (then 1yo) did not move in to my house. We met my last semester of college and we all relo'd together and spent a year+ in temp housing in CA then in TX before we purchased our first home together.
The "my house" comment I made was figurative and not literal. My wife and I are equity partners in life and all of the related stuff so the house is actually ours. I was just getting my "man card" on when I said "my house".
The equity partner thing I think is critical and is often missed in blended family marriages. My wife and I are equity partners in life which means that I am an equity parent for my SS. I am an equal parent to my wife and damned sure an equal parent to BioDad and would insist on this whether my SS lived with us or just visited.
I also think that being a CSP is probably easier than being an NCSP. As my SS's full time dad my tolerance for BullShit from the kid or from his SpermClan is very limited and as the CSP I have the authority in my home and the backing of the CP (my wife) as well as the time to be the dad as I see fit regardless of what the BioDad thinks.
When we have hit points where we do not entirely agree I express my position but my wife as the CP has the ultimate say. I may not agree but I will have her back because whatever she decides will be far better than any toxic drivel that comes out of SpermLand.
As I am sure you are well aware, as Sparents we have no actual legal authority to parent or anything else for that matter though my stance is that we take whatever authority we want until someone in a goofy black robe and little wooden toy hammer tells us we can't. I have never once had a school, doctor, airlines, judge, etc, etc, etc.... question my authority to parent my Skid, to sign him up for school, sign him out of school, take him for a Med appointment, sign for him when he is traveling as an unaccompanied minor, etc, etc, etc......
Disengagement definately can work and I am glad that it gives you some peace in your blended family situation.
Best regards,
SA, When I get a little
SA,
When I get a little passionate in my on-line life I will occassionally refer to things as "My". My house, My wife, My kid, etc.....
IRL I am very careful to recognize what my wife and I have accomplished together as "our". Even with the Skid. He is "our" kid and he knows that the family home is "our" family home and "his" home..
Now for the big screen and the sports car...... MINE! All MINE! }:)
Yay! You are so right..seems
Yay! You are so right..seems as if all of us here live in a clandestine world. Only the people who walk in our shoes know the reality step-parenting.
For me, I have found that people here offer sound advice when ya need it, and some of the funniest takes on our situations! If you come here often, you will see just how invaluable this site is.
Someone always understands whatever you share...without fail.