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Disengaging Diva!

Blue stepmother's picture

Submitted by Blue stepmother on Sun, 11/27/2011 - 4:04pm

Had a great disengaging experience today! I have decided, what I will do re: housework. We got a new dishwasher about two months ago, and of course I was not yet disengaged, so it was a new "chore" battleground. I thought it would make life easier, but then, one big problem with the machine, is that in order to have it clean dishes, you have to load and unload them.... now who was going to do that???

I had this crazy preconceived notion, that the kids would do this. HA! it's just like everything else. They are not expected to do ANYTHING, EVER, on a consistent basis (i.e. the rare animal that never shows its face in our house called, "THE CHORE")

They literally would bring their dishes up to the kitchen and put them on the counter right next to the D/W, but not in the machine. So, I determined I would empty it, but not put dishes in that they were quite capable, but too lazy to do themselves. Then after a while I realised my DH was never going to have them do either emptying or filling, and that this behaviour (to my horror) was quite acceptable... so I decided I was not going to do either . I put my dirty dishes in when there is room, and if it is full, I wash my dishes by hand, so i do not create more mess.

He has emptied it several times and not said anything....great, i actually dont care anyway, because i am soooooo disengaged now.

So today, i was vacuuming when thy all came in, just grinned at them as i am making the most horrific noise with the vaccum, refused to turn it off to make them feel better or even communicate with me, so the kids kind of gave up, and went downstairs, then, after i had scared them away, i turned it off so my husband could speak to me. The next thig I know is hes yelling at them to come and empty the damn thing, because look at all the work I'm doing !!!!!!!!!!

It warmed the cockles of my stepmonstery heart, and continues to encourage me every time i think of it..

Just thought I'd share how the disengaging dynamic is working over here. So cool, because the three of them don't know what's hit them, and i'll never tell Wink

Comments

dalhia's picture

Submitted by dalhia on Sun, 11/27/2011 - 6:14pm

im so proud of you!! i had some of those little moments when you can find some distance and celebrate the small things. since I disengaged i stopped going onto SD's room to collect all the laundry from the floor. i told her that if she wanted her clothing clean, she needs to take it to the laundry room from now on...she didnt, and one day i caught her getting dressed and wearing my husband's underwear!! Smile
all of her stuff was dirty. it was fun, i have to admit!
disengaging works. it does have a sad side to it because you have to admit you were mothering a child that will never appreciate your work, your time, your money (gifts, etc) and all the efforts . once you stopped, you do feel lighter and yout gut tells you that is the right thing to do but i find myself sad at times thinking how wrong i was, and how much energy i put into the "fantasy world" of the ilusion of the perfect family. keep up the good work

HadEnoughx5's picture

Submitted by HadEnoughx5 on Sun, 11/27/2011 - 6:32pm

That is awesome, I am so happy for you. We are a roller coaster over here. My DH has stepped up to the plate, but I'm sad that he hasn't made his kids step up too.

For Thanksgiving, I wrote out a "to do list" for everyone in our family to help get ready for the holiday. The SS's 10 and 12 were assigned to clean, vac and dust their rooms and DH couldn't tell them go clean your room. Who does it? DH.

Not my kids, not my problem!

Congrats to you Smile

I am trying's picture

Submitted by I am trying on Mon, 11/28/2011 - 1:00pm

I guess I'm different because I have always been disengaged. I never engaged with SD12 to begin with. I was in university for the first 6 years of my relationship so I always said things like "my eductaion/career comes first. I have been careful to never get pregnant so I could have the kind of life that I wanted. I'm not going to give that all up because of YOUR mistake. You can deal with things having to do with SD but leave me out of it unless absolutely necessary." It may sound harsh, but FH always accepted it. I'm not expected to do anything for SD - clean up after her, cook for her, pay for anything for her, spend time with her. Nothing. FH usually takes her out during the days when she's over and then she hangs out in her room most of the time when they get home. There definitely is a tension between us and she hasn't been the nicest person about me (to me she's been mostly ok but talked crap behind my back for the first 8 years), so I guess she doesn't feel 100% welcome to just come hang out with me. That's fine by me. As long as she gets to see her dad and I don't have to do anything, technically we both win.