Ok, so after the Armageddon Weekend blog debacle, I had mentioned we had a appointment with SD's therapist that Monday (as usual). The way these appointments usually go is:
-1 hour SD only
-1 hour parents
During the parents hour, we usually just get filled in on anything that needs addressed with SD.
Well, during SD's one-on-one time, she pooped in her pants. Yes, right there in front of her therapist. When asked 'Why?', SD said because she can. Not only was the stench horrible (therapist had to have the secretary find some aerosol spray) but also left a nice stain on the chair (which was promptly removed and put elsewhere). Fortunately, BM had a Pull-up and spare clothes with her (necessary when taking SD anywhere). (I have to mention this is not the first time SD has done this, but usually it is more...solid).
We discussed this during parent time, and discussed the rules enforced. The therapist agrees that SD should be wearing diapers if she cannot control her bowels, and since medical issues have been ruled out, this is the only way to not constantly have ruined clothes, furniture and a big mess. Although the therapist did think the bottle was going a bit far, he did not believe this would cause any sort of issues in SD's psyche and that we did well on enforcing the action immediately.
He also agrees with taking all of her toys away and having her earn them back by doing chores or doing well in school.

NOW, SD wears a diaper full time at both BMs house and my house, school and everywhere she goes. It seems like it might be starting to bother her already because she has mentioned how 'annoying' they are. And! we've only had about 3 accidentally-on-purpose no 2's in a week and a half, this is cut down from about 5-6. So this MAY be working.

Alas, she still hasn't managed to earn any of her toys back. She had orange cards in school all last week (the color before red which is when they call the parents) and so far this week she has had a yellow and an orange. She also has refused to do any chores she is asked to do (pick up dinner dishes, vaccum, pick up dirty clothes and put them in the laundry basket, etc), so she still sits and does homework and is allowed only to read or work in her education workborks once her homework is done.

She has also become more mouthy. Telling me to 'go play in traffic' and 'get lost'. (No need to fill me in on how what I am doing is making her hate me, I don't think she will ever like or appreciate everything I do for her, and that doesn't bother me one bit.) DH has really stepped up and started enforcing the new rules.

We (DH & I) had a long talk the night after the therapy session. He understands that SD's behavior is extremely stressful on me because I always have to play the 'bad cop' at our house, he also came to the understanding that this stress and her behavior was beginning to effect our marriage. He promised to try to take a better stance on discipline. I acknowledged I know it is hard for him because he feels guilty for not being with her everyday and he'd rather she was always happy when at our house. It was a long heart to heart and I think our 'bond' is stronger thanks to it.

Then on Tuesday night, DH recreated our first 'date' which included a trek through the woods (we had a Halloween Horror walk there on our first date), dinner at the local homestyle diner and then a trip to walmart to pick up underwear (lmao, DH had moved in with his parents and his mom's washing machine 'ate' some of his underwear).

Things are better between DH and I now. Seems like it was a long time coming but something about the heart-to-heart just made everything click. Now to just deal with SD, which is going to be a really long and bumpy road, I just hope DH can stick to his promise.