So things have been going really well with SD(7) being picked up from her mom after school. She seems to be acting normal lately, ever since DH refused to listen to her going off about me anymore. She's nothing but a bully and as soon as he refused to hear it anymore, she stopped. I was under the impression that DH was going to talk to her sometime soon about watching her during the day for the summer. I wasn't really saying anything about it because DH should be able to handle this all on his own. I've also started babysitting a little 2 year old to make a bit of extra money. Her mom works from 5pm till 1am so basically watch her for 3-4 hours and put her to bed! She's easy and goes to sleep really quickly.

Anyways, last week we were unwinding after putting the kids to bed and it had been a really good day and I said that I was feeling like my old self again, not so upset with SD all the time. DH said he was so relived, that we could go back to how things were and he wouldn't have to talk to biomom because he had been stressing about it. I was like, school is out next week and you haven't talked to her yet?? I couldn't believe he would leave everything till the last minute like that. It's like he was just waiting for me to say something like that so he could start leaving me with SD again. I said that I still wanted her to go to her mom's and the reason I was feeling good again was because she wasn't around all the time disrupting the family. I told him I had a limit and that with summer it would be hard for me to have all the kids at home plus the little girl arriving later in the day. He told me that he wished I would've told him my limit before I decided to bring two more children into the family meaning our 7 month old daughter and the other little girl. I got so angry that I started crying so he felt bad that I was upset. Told him that I wasn't hurt, that I was so angry at him that I couln't talk to him at that moment. We ignored each other for a bit so I could think of a nice way to say what I wanted but there was really no nice way to say it. I said yes, I have a limit, my 3 kids is my limit. And the only reason I was babysitting another kid was because DH doesn't make enough money and I have to spend my maternity leave trying to do what I can to keep us afloat! DH sells cars so if he's not selling, we're not eating. And lately he hasn't been selling!

So we got past that. He spoke with biomom and she had no problem keeping her during the day but said she might be getting a job soon so I might have to keep her anyway. She's suppose to get a job with her on again, off again boyfriend doing the books for his company. This guy must be retarded since she ran a business into the ground so maybe not the best choice to keep the books! Anyway, that's beside the point. So we've been struggling with parenting SD together. I've been struggling with my role with her. For the longest time I would do everything. He would ask me what he should do before he would discipline her but I didn't think this was good for her since I'm not her bio parent and I didn't want to be seen as the bad one all the time. Him discipling by himself didn't work either because he would let her get away with so much! I did find something that has been working well with her. Her listening, hygenine, table manners, being resposible for her things and attitude are my main problems. So whenever she starts to do something I don't like, instead of giving her the attention by telling her not to do it, I would just praise the boys for their good behaviour and she immediatly stops doing what I don't like. I was just giving her too much attention, yes it was negative but she still was getting my attention. So when we're at the table and she's slouching back and dropping food all over the place I just say to the boys, "wow, I appreciate how well you two are eating over your plates like big boys!" and she instantly sits up and starts eating over her plate. I was floored how well this has been working. DH thought it was a good idea too, he just said that I need to point out the positive too. I told him when she can do things without me having to remind her through the boys then yes I will, untill then no. I will not reward her for fixing it after it is pointed out.

Anyway two nights ago, we sit down, have a long talk about parenting, how we need to be on the same page with SD like we are with my kids because he is honestly the best step dad ever but a shitty dad to SD. I never have to worry about him with the boys. Seemed like we had it all worked out, we talked to SD also about being more responsible for her things because that day she again lost her things in her hair, coloured all over her school books and left garbage and half eaten food in her lunch kit. We have been working on this crap for a year and I'm sorry but at 7 these are things she should be able to handle. My oldest son is 8 months older then her and way more mature and responsible. You would think since I give him more responsibility that she would act the way we would like so she can be treated like a big kid like my son, but no. She expects it but in my opinion has done nothing to earn it. So the next morning SD tells me that she wants to get her ears pierced and that her dad and mom said she could. I honestly thought she was lying since DH and I had a great talk the night before, he never mentioned this and she is not responsible enough or mature to take care of earrings and who would end up taking care of them? Me of course! I'm the one that takes care of everything for this girl! I make the dentist appts, ear appts, eye appts! I'm the one that takes her to get her hair cut too! Her mom is useless when it comes to these things and it surprises me that she is okay with someone else taking care of these things because I sure wouldn't be. So I ask DH about this because I said to SD, that there is no way your dad would say yes to that and she kept insisting that he had. And yes, of course he had! I was so livid! I texted him after since I didn't want to have a fight infront of the kids that I couldn't believe he would say yes to that, that she can't even take care of her hair clips and doesn't he even know his own daughter??!! I'm just so tired of us agreeing on stuff and then him saying something totally different behind my back! We had talked about this before because I had mentioned that I had my ears pierced at that age but my mom never took care of them, I did. I told SD that if it were my decision that the answer would be no and that she would not be wearing them here since I feel that is a reward for her irresponsible behaviour and that when she can prove that she can be more mature and responsible that then she could wear them here.

I probably shouldn't of said anything since I'm guessing SD will tell biomom and she will do it just because I don't agree with it but oh well. I reacted before I had a chance to think about it and was so sure that she was lying! Oh well, I can see many months of infections in her ears from the piercings. She has tubes in her ears and biomom keeps taking her swimming without the ear plugs and cap. SD has had infections in her vagina from her and biomom not making sure she is clean. Biomom is filthy and doesn't shower herself so as if I can expect her to shower SD. I told SD to remind her mom to shower her because she has had a shower here tues night then gone to her mom's wed and not showered again till she came back to us on monday! I have tried to disengage but I am having a really hard time with that. I am the type that either needs to be in all the way or out all the way. I cannot just be her friend. Last night went better though, she turned her attitude on me and DH sent her to her room right away for it. I told him that was what I expected and if he could parent with me when it came to her, we would be fine. DH has also talked to biomom and trying to have a co-parent relationship because that is what's really lacking here. I can't do all the work on my end and her just let everything go on her end. We are raising adults bottom line and the last thing I want is for SD to end up like her mom!
Sorry, this was so long but I really needed to get this all out!