Sigh.. how i hate hypocrits (vent)
Now hopefully i won't end up being one at some point and have everyone call me out on it! 
BM is really getting on my nerves. Guess nobody's surprised there! It's just so frustrating when someone is a big huge hypocrit. Bf has been trying to "peacefully" and outside of courts resolve this matter of her banning me from SD. She goes on about how she doesn't know if she can trust me cause she doesn't really know me and so forth and yet this weekend she scheduled a "play date" with the SD and a 3yo.. who happens to be the child of a divorced dad.
So, it's not ok for SD to be around me even though i've been dating her dad for 3 years, but it's ok for her to be around this new guy because it wasn't officially a date for mom but a playdate for the SD! of course! 6yo's usually like to have play dates with 3yo's when they have 5-6 other 6yo girls they could go play with. The SD mentioned to her dad that she didn't know this other child at all.
So, it's not ok for "dad" to have his daughter around another woman without "mom's" ok, but it's ok for mom to have her daughter around some guy she just met. *rolling eyes about now* I really hate hypocrits! Even though i fully expect her to be one, and that it will probably get much worse. She'll probably go do little "family things" at some point once she starts dating, with no concern at all as to how SD's Bio Dad feels about it. Even though she expects him to be all thoughtful and sensitive to how her little feelings are if he wanted to so something with SD me/him.
I mentioned to my bf about this, and told him he should start thinking about it now how he will react. The good thing i guess is that she will give him fuel to call her out on when she tries to make demands that she isn't following. It's a lot easier to tell your ex hubby you don't want to share your child with another woman as long as you aren't requiring him to share his daughter with another man. Not quite as easy when he can throw it back in your face what a hypocrit you are being.
Guess that's my silver lining. That and the fact that i am truly glad if this actually was a date, cause the sooner she finds someone else the quicker and easier it's going to be for BD to establish new boundaries and to have his child at HIS house when it's his visitation. It's too bad there's probably going to be fights about this as well coming up cause BM is pretty selfish and will most likely want to have the daughter with her while she also spends time with a potential bf.
What happened to no introductions before 6m of dating? heh they aren't even dating yet and she's already introduced them! I just really really really hope that bf doesn't allow her to treat him like a babysitter. (expect him to spend time with his daughter at HER house while she goes on a date, while i sit at home at our house on a friday night because of it)
This is just a bit of a vent i guess. Still have to wait and see if they do any more "play dates" or whatever she wants to call them, or see where this goes. Sooo irritated at how selfish she is, and how disgusted i am by her double standards, but also glad she is finally interested in someone. Whether it's romantic or friendship, it's still a good thing.
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My only guess is BM sees you
My only guess is BM sees you as a threat. She may be afraid that you are trying to take her place. She also sounds like someone who wants to have control of everything.
If this ever goes to court, the court will tell BM that she cannot deny him visitation because he is in a relationship! Especially when you have been in a relationship for 3 years! She cannot dictate who he can or can't date or have as friends. As long as the child is safe and well cared for, the court will not be in her favor! She is interfering with his visitation and his relationship with his BD!
I'm banned in that if he does
I'm banned in that if he does anything with me/him/child she makes his life hell and threatens to move away and not allow him visitation.
yeah yeah i know she legally can't do this. But, she CAN move away. She CAN send him emails and txt msgs stirring up trouble and stress and make a big mess. She CAN emotionally blackmail him and make him feel like a crappy dad who doesn't love his child. She CAN be less accomodating in regards to the schedule (which then hurts his work also, and would be a real problem when his parents come to visit this summer from their home country).
So, it's easy to say dad's business is dad's business. Not as easy to deal with the BM and drama and stress she creates when she isn't getting her way. He's still trying to avoid court drama. (even though i still think he will have to put his foot down at some point and just deal with the drama.. but she hasn't pushed his patients just yet.. although she's getting close)
and yes, i'm the one who gets stepped on in this "ban" more than my bf does. And, it does really suck that he allows it to happen. Doesn't look like he's the first guy to have to deal with it either. As far as i can tell the majority of BM's all try this trick in the beginning.
"BM’s are very very good at making rules that everyone MUST follow, but do not apply to them." isn't that so true!
I'm with the other PP's who
I'm with the other PP's who are confused about why your BF is letting her control the situation?
But on another note, yes I HATE those situations. I have a friend in your exact situation, too and it floors us how the BM can't see how ridiculous she's being in regards to the SM but that she herself can get away with the same things.
When I first came to visit FDH for the summer, BM threw a huge fit about needing to meet me before the kids spent any more time with me. Then after she met me she told FDH that just because I'm a teacher doesn't mean i'm good with kids (what?)...but lo and behold exactly one week after that hissy fit, she asked if I could be daycare for a WEEK to her kids.
And I can't count the guys she's introduced to the skids as her boyfriend....then a week later they break up. She was so concerned about meeting me within a month of our dating, and she went 6 months without introducing FDH to a boyfriend of hers!!! He'd even be at her apt when FDH would drop off kids (he'd see hte shoes) but the boyfriend would go "hide" in the bathroom.
I agree with the other
I agree with the other posters on here. It's none of her business who he is dating. He has his visitation with his daughter and that's that. She has no say who he dates or what he does with his daughter when he has her..
Your BF cannot let his ex dictate what he can and cannot do.... Z
Sounds like the Behemoth when
Sounds like the Behemoth when she was internet dating. She'd have her flav of the week babysitting the youngest. . at the time just turned 3.
Whereas I was, and I quote, "not fit to glance upon MY babies" and therefore she denied GG visitation for the first six months or so (until she started the internet dating and needed yet another source of free, non-parental status babysitting.
I'm an experienced parent BTW and have already raised my children to productive adulthood.
Double standard!
Why my bf puts up with it is
Why my bf puts up with it is complicated. And, really nothing i can do about his behavior aside from telling him that it's wrong and i am not ok with it. (i've mentioned some of the reasons in previous blog posts) It's a bit too long though to keep going into detail.
Basically, things are what they are right now. Yes, it's a mess, No it's not ok. CO is very different from the actual working plan, but that is sometimes in our benefit as well. (They switch days when they need to depending on what's going on. He will switch days also when something comes up for me/him so in that aspect it is fair)
I'm definately a threat to her. She admitted this multiple times to my bf. When he pushed the issue, BM freaked out repeatedly and the stress was more than bf could handle at the time. He still hasn't figured out how to react to her. Which isn't surprising since they are divorced for good reason. (which is pretty much that she gets really emotionally distrubed and disruptive and he doesn't know how to handle the stress or how to deal with her) He's still learning basically.
But, it really does get to me how selfish she is and how he allows it. I think he will call her out on it at some point, but i actually told him not to mention it yet because i'd rather be irritated at her selfishness and double standards if it means she might start dating someone. (which means she is healing, and will cling to my bf less)
I'm curious to see how he is going to react to his daughter spending time with another man also. It might not be as pleasant as he thinks, and the BM is not being very considerate of him so far.. which means he isn't going to cave in when she throws tantrums as easily. It's far to easy for her to guilt trip him when she plays the "look how i am sacrificing for you" cards, like she is the one who is having to "share her daughter" and be accommodating to him (she moved from another state and got a new job here "so he could have more time with his daughter"). guilt trip, guilt trip, guilt trip
It won't be so easy when he can throw it back at her that he is "sharing his daughter" as well and isn't making a bit stink about it so all the more reason why she should keep her hysterical emotions to herself about the whole situation.
It's interesting also how she only told her ex that the daughter had a "play date". But the daughter told him that she didn't know the child, and that it was a 3yo (and she's 6). So that makes it obvious (to me at least) that this was more of a "Date" than a play date. Kind of looks like BM is trying to be a bit sneaky about starting to date and doesn't want him to know about it cause she know's she's pulling a double standard.
I think he will call her out
I think he will call her out on it at some point
Good luck with that. For me it's been almost eight years and GG has not stood up to the Behemoth ONCE!
The only time he made an effort was after I had a FIT! I told him I wanted to be made aware of "drop ins" (they had no real schedule and refused to follow it b/c GG "didn't want the skids to think this wasn't their home too" which is a load of baloney and specious reasoning)
ONCE, ONCE he actually said to the Behemoth "I'll check with Auteur and let you know" when I was actually STANDING there. . .had I not been standing there giving a scowl of disapproval, he would have NEVER asked but just agreed to anything she wanted as per usual.
It almost KILLED him to not just be a "yes" man to the Behemoth.
After that the "collection" calls for material goods/on the fly drop off calls started happening when they *thought* I wasn't home to put more pressure on GG to cowtow to their clan. They got totally accustomed to GG asking "how high" when they demanded "jump."
It sets a DANGEROUS precedent to placate the BM from the beginning. It's like tearing off the bandaid vs. slowly peeling it off. If the BM is given boundaries from the VERY BEGINNING; yeah it's painful but it's best done early and often and not down the road after the BM has been emboldened to further push the envelope.
I agree, and i've told him
I agree, and i've told him that. But, aside from getting mad at him all the time it feels like it is out of my hands. (i do keep poking him about it though once in awhile)
The main reason i said i think he will call her out on it is because he actually made the comment that he was going to say something to her when they talked next. I advised him to make sure that he was sure it was a "date" with this guy before he said something about her having a double standard. (too easy right now for her to get all upset and say he's trying to control her and that it was just a play date for the daughter, even though i'm pretty sure that's bs)
Well you may have to totally
Well you may have to totally disengage eventually. GG used to placate me once in awhile. He'd get fed up by the Behemoth's actions or the skids actions and say "I'm going to have a talk with her or them"
And that day would never come. It's just easier to stick one's head in the sand, experience the very bad consequences of ignoring the problem, then turn around and blame SM for the whole deal.
Sorry to seem so cynical but it's happened to me and hundreds of others on this forum.
Until the day that the courts start penalizing the BMs for their double standards and PAS techniques by taking away their custody, then the same actions and patterns will continue to repeat.
I saw the same thing when I
I saw the same thing when I entered my SD's life. She was 6 when I met her and she is now 10. BM dictated everything and if my DH didn’t agree she would simply take off for the weekend and call him when he was to pick her up and say "sorry we are out of town and won’t be back until Sunday".
To say the least I was shocked at what was going on. He is her father and has a right to see his daughter..end of story. I told DH that's it....we will not put up with this shit anymore...it's the children in the end that get hurt in all this back and forth nonsense. But the kids grow up and see what the truth is and this is now what's going on. My SD knows that we want her and it's her BM causing the trouble..so know SD is making things difficult for her BM.
Listen my SD's BM is just plain nuts, freaks out and will call the police for no reason whatsoever..she is just insane...DH doesn't speak to her...it's all done via email and if it's nonsense he just stops reading it and puts it in a file for safekeeping. DH told BM if you call and you are screaming and just plain disrespectful then he just ends the call right then and there.
No one needs to put up with this treatment. No one...I do hope everything works out for you...Z
Bf's parents say the same
Bf's parents say the same thing. That with time the daughter will start determining what is going to happen and who she wants to spend her time around. They know what is going on, but since they live in another country they can't really help much.
It's possible also though that when they come to visit they might say something to my bf about it. It's a little sad that they try so hard to be really sweet to me to make up for how the BM is acting. My bf is a really nice guy, kind of a pleaser in a way and his parents are the same way. They just try to be nice and get along most of the time.
It would be pretty unbearable if his parents didn't go out of their way to make me feel included. My bf is also very sweet, but since he's the one who isn't putting his foot down, it's easy to get upset and frustrated at him.
My bf has been reading some books about how to deal with your ex. They mentioned similar tactics about stating in advance what topics are ok to talk about, what is not ok, and at what point you end the conversation if it is turning into a fight or someone is being disrespectful.
http://fatherhood.about.com/od/fathersrights/gr/Live-Away-Dads.htm
the book is not very big and gets to the points quickly. That's probably why its so popular.
"you are in one of those
"you are in one of those situations that most SMs here would tell you to run from and find a BF without kids. If he doesn't have a handle on these situations and you two are not free to pursue your relationship and include SD in a healthy setting"
AMEN!!!!
Please don't have a child with this man, either!! That further complicates the issue and is setting yourself up invariably for "ye olde double standard."
Auteur, no intention of that
Auteur, no intention of that right now! I agree there is way to much on everyone's plate without adding that complication. Pretty sure that even down the road if everyone gets all smoothed out, that's going to be a tricky situation.
Believe me, i can already see what a mess it would be if it was anytime soon. Dad feeling guilty to spend time with the baby cause he's not with SD, BM making him feel guilty about moving on and making a new family, telling SD that dad doesn't love her as much as the new baby, dad's guilt ruling his relationship with daughter from first marriage and so on. I agree that is the last thing we would need right now. In fact, marriage itself would be a big enough deal.
As much as I love my bf, I'm still being cautious in that area as well. Plus, i've already heard some of the horror stories about once you're married your incoming being counted as CS. o.O
This forum is a great way for me to keep my eyes wide open about what things i may or may not have to deal with in the future.
BM kinda did that when I was
BM kinda did that when I was dating DH. When kids left and told her daddy had a 'girlfriend' inside she flipped out and said she doesn't understand why he would have a woman around their children when she didn't know who she was. BUT she lives with a man who is just a friend and my DH has never met him. She eventually got over it. I met her once a couple of years ago. She hasn't made an issue with me since. Sorry you aren't that lucky. Hope it gets better.