step kids constantly playing with their dads phone
When I first started dating Jason I was shocked whenever I saw him hand his phone off to his kids (11, 13, and 14) every time they asked for it to "play games", "surf the web", "look at Facebook (their dads!)". I gently broached the topic with him when things got more serious and some of our texting conversation was personal and private (and even involved discussions we had about his constantly vengeful angry ex wife). After months of me repeatedly bring this issue up he continued to let all three kids play with his phone.
Recently we got engaged. One of the first discussions I had with him prior to our getting engaged whenever we discussed it was how I want better boundaries between him and the children. The week after we got back from the trip he proposed on I overheard him telling his daughter that he could no longer let her play with his phone because he uses it for work and he's not allowed. This daughter later grabbed my phone when I put it down and when I asked her what she needed with it she said she was looking at my music on iTunes (iTunes was open...)
I just feel overwhelmed like I am going to have so many boundaries issues with the kids and I don't want to always be the one prompting him to step up and be a dad who guides and sets limitations. (He also lets the boys play xbox all day and drops everything to get them McDonalds or whatever they request when he has the money.) I think its because he's afraid of losing their love to their mother.
Anyway, just venting. Wondering if anyone went through anything similar and what you did.
Your fiance (congrats by the
Your fiance (congrats by the way) should not be telling the kids they can't play with his phone because of "work", those kids need to know that it's if it's not theirs, they should not be going through it! If the kids try to go on your phone just simply say "I'm sorry but that is mine and is private". Cell phones are very personal things these days and should be treated as such.
My skids sometimes used to try to look at my phone (I eventually put a password on) and I would have to tell them that they are not allowed to look through my things...come to think of it they used to look through my purse too.
Thanks! I was kind of
Thanks! I was kind of thinking the same thing. I think he should just be straight with them about why they can't. I know that all kids have a sense of entitlement but I really think he's helping create a monster here by not being straight with them.
Making up a lie was wrong but
Making up a lie was wrong but controlling what he does with his phone is as well.
I allow my nieces and nephews to use my phone all the time. At first it bothered DF. But since he doesn't pay the bill, he has no control over it.
to Disneyfan- my problem is
to Disneyfan- my problem is that as adults we discuss, well, ADULT topics. I.E. sex....etc Additionally their mother is being discussed. I don't believe children of any age should be privy to those kinds of personal conversations. So I just don't agree that any children should be playing with my phone and that my fiancé needs to respect that.
You shouldn't be texting him
You shouldn't be texting him those things though, knowing that the kids look at his phone. (Actually, you shouldn't be texting him those things AT ALL. Never put anything in writing you wouldn't want his boss or BM to see.) I'm with Disney, my kids play on my phone all the time. If DH and I ever divorced and some putative new SF told me I wasn't allowed to let them play on my phone anymore, I might listen to him - but I'd also remember it and it would go in the "he's unreasonable about my kids and interfering my parent/child relationship" column.
Pick your battles, or you'll find you're going to have A LOT of them, is what I'm saying here.
He can just delete the things
He can just delete the things he doesn't want the kids to see. That's how I handle those things. They shouldn't be allowed to use your things unless you're ok with it.
My not allowing SDs 9&7 to use my phone has been an issue for DF as well. (Funny since he was bothered by my nieces and nephews using it. :? )
After I refused to stop adhere to his rule, he started allowing his kids to use his phone as well. They have to ask first and he deletes anything they shouldn't see before they can use it.
my idiot fiance lets his kid
my idiot fiance lets his kid play with his ipad and i dont like it for the same reasons you dont. she snoops on his stuff!
All three of his kids have
All three of his kids have iPods but do not have phones (They are also all 3 begging me to buy them phones because they see me as having "money" while their dad does not. I don't engage them in the conversation at all.
As far as the "closer by blood" I get the same kinds of comments. His daughter actually told me that we couldn't elope (to save money towards a house) because Dad had "asked her permission to marry me" and she had to be present for the wedding. I'm experiencing a lot of things I hadn't counted on.
Wait a minute. He ASKED HER
Wait a minute. He ASKED HER PERMISSION to marry you???? Worrying about his cell phone shouldn't even be on your radar. Honey, you have much bigger fish to fry.
read my post below...
read my post below...
I'm concerned in general
I'm concerned in general about boundaries. You'd have to read my post farther down. The way he did it was half serious and i don't think he'd considered what he'd do if they said no. (Obviously he's have asked me anyway) I should've made this post about boundaries period but someone already had that title.
Dad had "asked her permission
Dad had "asked her permission to marry me"
And if she had said, "No", then what?
I don't know... I've never
I don't know... I've never dated anyone with children before and children are generally closer than ones own parents- I can't imagine how I'd be with my own. When I asked him about this he said he told them how fond he was of me and said something like "Can I keep her?" I wasn't comfortable with it either but he jokes around a lot and me writing this (secondhand information) doesn't fully convey how it went down. When his daughter mentioned this to me, I made sure to let her know that we had discussed getting engaged and had even looked at houses months back. (Probably not the most mature way to handle it but my way of communicating that "Daddy made this decision before he 'asked' you kiddo."
I totally agree! My
I totally agree! My girlfriends are saying the same thing. That actually was going to be my next post.
Congrats on the engagement!
Congrats on the engagement! My DH hands his 7 year old daughter his cell phone anytime she asks for it so she can play games on it. And, if DH says no because the battery is about dead she then asks for mine. When I say no, because I don't want her playing on my phone, she gets mad and throws a fit until DH says just let her play on it...she's not hurting anything. We bought her a notebook type thing that she can download games on so she's not constantly asking for our phones, but she conveniently leaves it at her BM's all of the time! I wish she never would've taken it over there in the first place now! Here lately, I've been telling her no to my phone more and more. It's my personal property and it doesn't need to be in anyone else's hands but mine or my DH's.
The thing is his kids are
The thing is his kids are older...old enough to snoop. And they are always throwing things up in his face about not being a good enough dad and spending too much time at work, with me etc. They are parroting everything their mother says, especially his daughter.
Your SD sounds like she is younger. I'd point out to your SO that she is going to get old enough to snoop and be reading things that are private and over her head.
(He also lets the boys play
(He also lets the boys play xbox all day and drops everything to get them McDonalds or whatever they request when he has the money.) I think its because he's afraid of losing their love to their mother.
This is scary. I wouldn't be in a hurry to set a wedding date. There needs to be clear boundaries and he needs to get over his fear or those kids will run both of your lives. There's a reason why 63% of second marriages end in divorce. There are a lot of other dynamics involved an a blended family. And these are clear signs of an issue when he is playing what we call 'Disney Dad' and letting the kids do whatever. There needs to be clear and persistent rules in your home. And consequences if the rules aren't followed. It's time for him to get rid of Fun Disneyland Dad and instead be 'Father. Man of the house. Teacher and Protector'
I agree with you. I do
I agree with you. I do believe in children having limitations and boundaries (Healthy ones) and I want to see him choose this for them. He has made some changes since we got engaged but I don't know how consistent he'll be.
" I don't want to always be
" I don't want to always be the one prompting him to step up and be a dad who guides and sets limitations"
Two words - DON'T BE. Don't be the one prompting him to be a parent, because it will bite you in the butt every time. The kids will resent you and go on a campaign to make your life miserable, and DH will resent you as well because you keep telling him what to do, you're affecting his relationship with the kids, and you are (literally) telling him that you are a better parent than he is. It's a bad idea.
Who cares if they play x-box? Or eat McDonalds? They are not your kids, it is not your responsibility how they turn out, and as teens (or almost teens) there is VERY little you can do to help mold them.
You just got engaged (congrats!) so enjoy being Fiancee and an Almost Married Couple and let the parenting thing go - that's his gig, and if you rush in to "fix it" it likely won't end so well.
That won't stop dad from
That won't stop dad from entering the password (or hell telling them the password) and just handing the phone over.
Why do you care? It's his
Why do you care? It's his phone. I agree with AllySkoo.