I hate fighting..
I hate BM soooooooooo much. I never fought with SO until she moved here. The only thing we really ever fight about is her. Her manipulative controlling behavior that SO just can't seem to see.
For some reason, while his parents are visiting his ex keeps insisting that we should all go do this boat trip/dinner. Well, she of course only wants to do it on HIS visitation day. (a saturday) But she's waited so long that there was only 2 possible saturdays. One was the next day and already there were plans, and the next was a week out but I personally already had plans that day with some girls and i can't just cancel.
So, SO tells her that saturday won't work and how about sunday. She agrees, and i think that everything is going to actually work out ok. Then, she freaks out because his daughter was around me on saturday (and BM is still getting use to this idea, SO is still fighting for the right to have his child around me)
So she tells him how she's freaking but trying to control herself, but says that she really would prefer saturday for this event. So, to "avoid more talking and fighting" he says ok. He will take his parents and himself and they will all go to this event. An event that he knows I cannot go to if they do it on saturday.
Then, when i get upset about it. he says sorry that i am upset. But not sorry that he made that decision. He even has the gall to try and say that he did it for us! To buy us sanity and peace. And throws a few comments about there about how him and his poor child are stuck in the middle of me and her and our principles that he just doesn't understand.
Poor guy! He's stuck between his ex and gf fighting over him!.. wait.. why do i have to fight with his ex wife over him? Why am i even put in this position of having to "fight" over him? I am so angry i could smash things.
I spell it out to him exactly what he is doing. That he basically chose to make me upset and make his ex-wife happy, so he basically made a decision that was the same as slaping me in the face. So, him and his sorry is saying there's nothing wrong with the choice he made, (thereby slapping me in the face) he is only sorry that i don't like being slapped in the face.
Nice apology. it's the pure definition of a non-apology. And his response at the end of all of this is @hugs@. WTH good is that BS. Dont give me some hug and pat on the head and think this is all ok. This is NOT ok. I am NOT ok with having to fight with an ex-wife for the right to have a regular relationship with this guy. I am NOT ok with the fact that she controls our life, and that he can't seem to see this, or sees it and doesn't think its a big deal.
He is delusional if he thinks that giving her what she wants is going to make her more peaceful or accommodating. Has it worked so far this year?
I am so incredibly angry and upset. I don't want to see him tonight, or tomorrow, or the next day. I certainly don't want to have a stupid "BBQ Party" with his parents and his buddy the evening after this little family outing with his ex. She did a really good job to ruin not only the activity, but the entire day and the BBQ she knew we had planned that evening.
He even has the audacity to say that this is better! That this way WE can go to this boat ride/dinner at a later time just the two of us and have a less stressful time and enjoy it. WTH would i want to go to this thing, after i was deliberately excluded while he went and experienced it with his ex-wife already? like i don't have to come in second with enough life events as it is. (marriage, kids, sex...so forth) WHY ON EARTH, would he think i would want to have anything to do with his event later on.
Oh yes honey, lets go together later so i can remember how hurt i felt when you allowed you ex-wife to change the days around so that i couldn't attend. How you already did this with your ex-wife and made me feel terrible in the process. yes honey what a romantic fun evening it will be with all those positive memories! I can't believe he even suggested it. Men really are idiots i guess.
I really hate that we are fighting, and it is because BM is a bitch. I just hate her so so so much. I hate that i feel like she won in so many ways. She will get her time with him and do some family activity, she gets to exclude me, and we get into a big fight. All from her being her usual selfish manipulative self. and SO is blind to all.
Maybe he really should just go remarry her. I"m sure she'd let him have lovers on the side. She's really cooperative like that.
- anyha's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Did I read that
Did I read that correctly?
SO, BM, and kids are going out on the boat for a family day???
oh no, it's so much better
oh no, it's so much better than that!
SO,BM,child, bm's sister, SO's parents.... and he knew if he agreed to saturday that meant that i could not come.
We originally told her sunday, so that everyone could be included. She agreed to sunday, and today she "decided" that she would really prefer saturday. So to avoid fighting and for "our" sanity he agreed and said they would go saturday.
And.. he doesn't think he did anything wrong. he says he just doesn't understand my principles or why this was a poor choice.
It is a boat ride over to a little island, where they will have a lua lunch. It sounded pretty neat actually. Now i want to puke at the idea of going there with him sometime later.
This just sounds... weird.
This just sounds... weird. Wrong. Not good.
Sorry.
Tell SO that you really are
Tell SO that you really are pissed at plans being chopped and changed so you'll go along with his plan for Saturday, you were invited! Let it be known that it's frustration, mixed with annoyance, that is fuelling you right now but assure him you'll be fine when Saturday comes around. BE FINE! Do NOT let any chink of insecurity filter through at all...relax as much as you can...even let them (SO and BM) have a conversation apart from you...occupy yourself with his parents and the SKid and have a great day. SKids can pick up on tension, just a word of caution, so be your usual relaxed self around SKid...I really urge you to resist passing negative comments...I did just that and it backfired on me. Be assured that his parents are NOT stupid and they'll admire you for handling the situation well. They know what she is, they are not able to prevent her coming...or maybe they would? It's really hard to watch, sickening in fact. I get that you are upset, I've been similarly upset. If you give BM any room in your mind she'll take the whole house...free rent in your head is what she wants and PLEASE do NOT give it to her.
Just curious, what do SO's
Just curious, what do SO's parents think about it?
And I'd be passive-aggressive enough to tell him to have a *LOVELY* day with his family....
No idea what his parents
No idea what his parents think of it. His dad is pretty intuitive. Most likely his dad will think that it is a wrong decision, but will say nothing to his son because even the parents are afraid of making the BM angry and thereby making life more difficult for their son.
This really might be a turning point for me. It seems that he is willing to live his life under her control as long as he doesn't have to fight or argue with anyone. He doesn't recognize at all why i am not ok with this situation.
I know that i cannot live the rest of my life being controlled by her. If he is willing to live life like this... i'm not sure what options i will have. It is looking strongly like it is more important that he doesn't have to feel stressed out and he can just go read or relax when he doesn't have his child, rather than having to actually deal with a little drama now, and put his ex in her place and define what his future is going to look like.
I guess he is ok with her controlling his life maybe.
I'm tempted to cancel my
I'm tempted to cancel my plans, and go to this activity. Just because that would throw a wrench in her plans since i'm sure her intention was to exclude me.
I feel so upset, i don't really feel like going and socializing with a bunch of girls anyways... My day has already been totally ruined, and probably my week.
If your plans are at all
If your plans are at all changeable, I would go. Certainly my husband would not be going to a BM event without me.
IDK why these people don't understand that a DIVORCE has happened. And I also don't know why they think it's good for the kids to be confused about the boundaries at play.
I don't understand. If the
I don't understand. If the purpose of this outing is to go with HIS parents, why is she even being included? She is no longer part of that side of his family. Am I missing something? Why is his whole family so intent on accommodating this woman?
because she's a controlling
because she's a controlling manipulative bitch who has full custody of his child? He wants peace, and he wants to be able to spend time with his daughter. His parents don't want to make the problem worse for him either, especially since they live so far away and only see him and their granddaughter once a year or less.
I am not sure what the purpose of this outing is actually. His ex-wife is the one who suggested we ALL go do an activity, then insisted on doing it on a day that i can't go. (or insisting to do it on saturday which is HIS visitation time, so she can have her usual time + his time)
I'm not sure if this is about her wanting to spend time with him, or just greedy to spend his time with the daughter and include herself, or to exclude me.. or probably all of the above. Oh, and to exert control over everybody because this makes her feel better.
I love him, but i hate her. If he insists on allowing her to have control over his life like this... how long will it be before i hate him too and how many years will i waste hoping that he will cut the ties with her. I am thinking really hard about all of this.
Oh hell no. He needs to
Oh hell no. He needs to realize that this is incredibly disrespectful to you. Besides she cannot legally keep him from seeing his child on his rightful days. What is it with the BM's that make these guys bow down to their every whim? I hate when DH would rather appease her for the sake of not fighting than stick up for me. Ridiculous. I agree that you should just go and put an end to her ploys at having a big family outing without you. You are 100% right in saying he is putting her needs above yours and that is infuriating.
Because she is a terrorist
Because she is a terrorist holding his child hostage, and he's afraid she isn't bluffing because well.. there is something psychologically wrong with her. So, she might actually not be bluffing. She might actually be willing to hurt their child just to make herself feel better.
This also happened to me.
This also happened to me. When DH and I got engaged I told him that BM would no longer be welcome in my sight (she has truly been just nasty to me and everyone else in his family), but they were very scared of her keeping the kids from them. It is stupid, but that is why they included her.
Anyway, when we got engaged, I told him if she was there and it was not a once in a lifetime thing for the kids, then if SHE was going, WE were not. He agreed. His family told him HE had to tell BM that she was no longer welcome to Christmas, etc, at their home.
DH's extended family is a bunch of dipshits. I honestly wish they'd have kept inviting her, so that I'd have an excuse to go hang out with my parents.
Not just no, but HELL NO!
Not just no, but HELL NO! Like stepmonster said, she should not be included in ANY family outings because they are no longer family! The only thing that connects them is that kid. You were right about him choosing her over you. Girl, you need to put your foot down now or this will not go away. I wouldn't put up with this NO WAY NO HOW. He needs to make a decision. Good luck!
Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. This would NOT be happening if I were you. BM has NO SAY on what Dh does on his time. If it is scheduled for his weekend then she can pound sand. I don't care how much peace he wants to keep, there has to be a line drawn somewhere and this BM is WAY past the point of overstepping boudaries. WAY past. There is no reason for her to be included on a family event for a family she is divorced from. Just because it is her CHILDS family doesn't make it HER family. She is nuts.
If you can cancel, do so but
If you can cancel, do so but don't tell DH. Show up at the dock looking FAB.
Tell DH you were able to cancel and wanted to surprise him.
Be sure to have a bunch of flowers for MIL.
That should teach BM that her crap won't work,
I had kind of a similar
I had kind of a similar situation. Last year, DH organised an outing by train to a nearby city for SD14's birthday. I don't go on any of these kind of things because I disengaged when she was 6. But GUESS who showed up at the train station 10 minutes before the train departed and announced she was coming too? Yes, the dear old NPD BM.
DH was (I reckon) scared to tell me she had gone but SD16 let slip a comment - on purpose I reckon - at dinner a week later. I took DH aside later - I was not going to give her the satisfaction of having an argument in front of her - and said I was extremely unhappy about it and it better not happen again. He said he only did it to avoid a scene at the station. I say let your DH know just how unhappy you are about this situation. I don't think you should meekly go along with it because it will set a precedent. He will keep her happy in future knowing that you will swallow whatever he dishes out rather than make a stand.
He said that he gave in to
He said that he gave in to this, so that we would not loose the progress we made in having his daughter over at our place while i am there.
What he can't seem to understand is that this IS loosing progress. It is the same battle. The whole thing is about the fact that she doesn't want to accept that they are divorced, that he has moved on, and that they are NOT a family anymore and that he has someone else.
I am definately leaning towards going. I asked him if i was invited if i was able to change me plans. he said i was, but to let him know a few days in advance so he could make it clear to her that i would be there. (He is afraid she will freak out if i just show up and she's not expecting me to be there)
She didn't actually SAY that she wanted to switch to saturday because i would be excluded, but he knew this was her ulterior motive why.
I told him that she is holding his child hostage, and that he is negotiating with a terrorist. That because she felt upset and hurt because he brought his child over to our house last saturday that she wanted to hurt me back. So, she basically told him that if he goes and hurts me, then she will play nice for a week and let him see his daughter without a bunch of fighting. And, that when he accepted to change it to saturday that is exactly what he agreed to. He agreed to go hurt his gf, so his ex-wife would let him see his daughter this week.
because regardless of what she SAYS, that is really what she is saying. That is the simple truth of what she asked him to do. She knows that i don't like them doing the whole "pretend family" thing. It is the only way she CAN get back at me because it's the only thing she knows of that is upsetting.
She also knows she can't hurt me directly, because i don't care about her and she has no power over me. Her child hostage doesn't work with me cause it's not my child.
It's so sick and twisted really the whole thing. He can't understand that giving in even once, will not buy him peace. It will only feed the monster.
So, if i go on saturday then i am sending a message that i will not let her intimidate me. I will not let her exclude me. I am part of his life, and when she says lets "all" get together and do an activity, that "anyha" is part of this "all".
If he either declined these activities, or always brought me along she would stop wanting to do them. It's semi-passive agressive i guess since he DID give in afterall and agree to go on saturday instead of sunday. He didn't actually say anything about me not going. She only assumes that because he mentioned i had plans saturday originally and that's why we were asking for sunday that if she changes it to saturday then i won't be there.
I feel bad because she will probably fight with him if i come. It will make her feel miserable and crappy that i am there, and she will freak out again on him either on saturday, or for the next week after. But, if i don't go because i don't want her to freak out and give him stress then i'm playing her game too! And i really don't want to play her game, or give her control over me.
I wouldn't go, I wouldn't
I wouldn't go, I wouldn't give either of them the satisfaction. And I would be packing if DH went. IF he wants to choose the ex; then choose her & get the he** out.
Sorry your stuck in this position.
I don't think you want to be
I don't think you want to be concerned about what message you are giving to the BM. As you say, you do not care about her, and unless you are a very good actress, she will probably see that you are very uncomfortable on Saturday and feel she has won a victory over you. I think you should consider more the message that your presence on the outing will convey to your BF, which may be that he has forced you into a situation you are not happy with because of a choice that he has made, despite your expressed wishes.
Having said that, and read your last post, I can totally understand where you are coming from and why you might choose to go on the outing. I hope you will let us know how it goes.
Well, i sent SO an email and
Well, i sent SO an email and told him why i felt i should be there and be included. And, he told me that he could see that it was important to me so he wasn't going to tell me not to come. But, in a passive-agressive way he showed in his body language and the way he phrased things that he didn't really want me to go.
He said that he wasn't going to tell me not to come, that she would just fight with him for awhile and then he would eventually go back to his regular time with his daughter again. Basically making me feel like he was willing to be a martyr to both of us.
And, because i care about him i couldn't insist on going, knowing that it would hurt our relationship if i insisted on going. But... herein lies the problem. I couldn't do it... But, what that showed me is that he CAN. He agreed to go in the first place. Then, when i made it really obvious that it was extremely upsetting, he still didn't change the plans. When i backed down and said i wouldn't go because i didn't want to hurt our relationship, he didn't convince me to go.
So, I can't willingly hurt it, but apparently he can. I've barely eaten all week, i have no appetite at all. My mind just goes in circles around this point. I'm the last person on the priority totem pole, daughter/parents/himself, and his ex all were placed before me. He's willing to hurt our relationship, in a way that will probably not be able to ever be healed, for what? A day trip nobody else would really care much one way or another if they didn't go on.
as they say, "the straw that broke the camels back"... well i don't know if this is THE straw but it's definately straw.
I tried to tell him, this is a BIG DEAL. I don't think i will be able to forgive him..... and coming from me that's a very bad thing. if you can’t forgive, then you can’t love.
Why are SO's so completely and utterly stupid sometimes.
p.s. he thinks sending me a @hugs@ txt message is going to somehow make a difference... sorry, but that's a raindrop in a lake.