I should probably start by saying I just signed up for this today. I feel a little uneasy about posting, and unsure about etiquette, but here we go. Forgive me if I am all over the place.

I have a BF who has a daughter 16. We have been living together for about 2 1/2 years, but there are still some erks. He has done a great job raising her on his own - BM bailed when she was less than a year old. She has had some contact with her growing up, but that has halted in the last couple of years due to the BM remarrying (2x) without even letting my SD know until afterwards (Facebook posting). Obvious woman issues here. He has raised her to be very intellegent and focused on school, and she excels all of the time.

At the beginning I found myself (and sometimes now) trying to buy her affection, and buy myself into the family. She is now 16, and is growing up quickly. At the beginning she would (and maybe still does) go into our bedroom and take my stuff without asking (woman products, razors, etc) which was extremely exhausting! I was used to my own space, my own things, and no invasion of privacy. That has ended for the most part, and she asks for things now.

We had boy issues in the beginning (and still now somewhat) and there were times when I felt really close to her. I always had to deal with my fathers gfs growing up, and I know how hard it can be to live with one (let alone one that doesn't want to be a part of your life) so I tried (and try) to make it very comfortable for her. I am super close to my nieces (no children of my own) but I love being a part of their life, and wanted to share that kind of bond (maybe closer) with my SD.

There have been shopping days and fun girl days occasionally. She mostly has been in her room, with the exception of the dance in front of the bedroom door when she needed a ride somewhere, or the appearance for food/drink. There have been occasions where I have been able to express that I love her, but very few and far between. I don't want to overstep mothers boundaries or make her uncomfortable by pushing myself on her, but I would love to have a closer relationship.

My BF has gotten any/all affection from her, which I guess is normal. She totally has issues with women due to the shortcomings of the BM. I continue to try to find my place in her life, but have somewhat given up on pushing so hard.

She's now 16 and driving. She has a bf, and to our surprise is now sexually active. She was very honest with her father (as she has been her entire life) and we addressed the situation accordingly. I know (and we all know) you can't stop this stuff, you just have to help prepare them for the consequences as best as possible. She seems to appear to be okay with me in the house now, and we all have dinner every night with each other during the week, and partake in the nightly Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune.

Her father brought up the possibility of marrying me in a conversation between the two of them, and apparently it sent her into tears. She doesn't want to "share him" with anyone "not just" me. Of course talking about this, sent me into tears. How could she be so ungrateful of how close I am to her and the things I do - especially when she has no other female figure even remotely close.

Worst thing is that we never talk about these things together. I think the only family talk we have had is when she had boy problems at 13, and the occasional light-hearted talks at dinner (where she reveals almost nothing without a purpose). He always talks to her and says it's best because maybe she feels like she can't say things around me and hurt my feelings. I feel the opposite, that by not being able to say things to me, it hurts my feelings more.

So back to the marriage issue - I am now (as I have briefly throughout the relationship) having thoughts that this will not work out. I crave a close relationship like I have with my nieces, and I don't see it happening. I constantly feel like it's either "SD and BF" or "me and BF" and there is little "family" in there. Don't get me wrong, I am totally laid back and not pushy with this - I only struggle internally. I am young, and maybe he's just too old for what I want, right? But what to do when you feel such a strong connection? Or maybe I should just enjoy the now, right?

I know she will be off to college soon and is becoming independent and will be out of the picture, but I always struggle with the day to day now. I really don't want to be someone she is nice to but hates behind my back. I don't want to be someone she tolerates but really despises.

The two of them don't really spend much time together - on her account not his. But it also seems like she is made because "they never spend time together" but she is never home or never wants to come downstairs. Of course he spoils her to compensate for not having her mother, but she also does well in school, so some of it she really deserves. She takes him for granted sometimes, and is very selfish in that she doesn't want to "share him with anyone" yet she is off dating and having sex with her boyfriend. She really expects him to sit at home and wait for her to come home, just so she can hug him and go in her room. It's frustrating! He sometimes asks her about these things, and then they get brushed under the rug.

She has had some issues with lying and seeing boys, or lying about other issues, which he briefly punishes for, and gets over it. She is very helpless, and has only been doing chores since I moved in (all she does is vacuum and dishes). These are all normal (i guess) and I just deal with it. I usually just try to be there for guidance (without lecturing or talking down) and there as an extra set of ears to give a different perspective.

She is really close with her BFs mom now (probably due to Mom issues) and I am jealous. I am also wanting more of a family with us 3, but I may be asking too much. He works like crazy to support her habits (and our new house) and I work hard and am putting myself through another degree in college.

I am kind of all over the place, but I need someones take on all of this. I guess I am unloading 3 years of pent up feelings about it all - wish I found this site sooner.

I guess I am asking if these are normal feelings. I see a lot of angry step-parents on here, and that is not me. She is overall a great kid, and I really want to improve our family and bring us together. I am not overly smothering or anything - I just don't want there to be a divide. Naturally she will be tied to him with a much stronger bond. I just want to stop the feeling of the two pairs (her/him and me/him) instead of the group of 3 as a family.

Sorry for such a long post - all responses welcome!!