Shared Holiday
I really need to vent in a space where others understand. Halloween is one of the "shared holidays" in my SO's custody agreement with BM. Meaning if he wants to see his daughter on Halloween he has to go trick or treating with BM and SD. I guess they are supposed to switch off yearly - his neighborhood one year - her neighborhood the next. We live about 30 mins from BM. Last year SO worked so I took my boys trick or treating and BM took SD trick or treating in her town. The other night he was trying to figure out which town it was supposed to be in this year. Well at this point I am completely over BM. The woman has pushed herself into our lives and tried to control our home and caused so much drama over the years that I am just done. I want nothing to do with her. I have always been civil and sucked up these stupid "shared holidays" in the past. The other "shared holiday" is 4th of July. Anyways, as he is trying to figure out where WE are going trick or treating I simply told him - I do not care about YOUR agreement with YOUR ex wife - it is not my agreement and I am not dragging my kids to BM's town to do trick or treating just because it is in YOUR agreement with her. My older son has school the next day and it is just dumb to drag my 2 boys 30 mins away to appease your ex wife so if it is her year to have it in her town you can have fun trick or treating with them. I left it at that. Well later he tells me that SD wants to trick or treat in our neighborhood so SD and BM will come to our town. Okay, whatever, not sure what he communicated to her probably not what I said b/c he works harder at not making her angry than me b/c she is a pain to deal with. This is also starting to piss me off. At one point he quit catering to her every irrational need/want/issue and grew a pair of balls but he is slowly digressing back into just doing whatever keeps BM happy...well that is starting to be a problem for me b/c I'm expected to just suck it up and go along...no thanks! Then he tells me this morning that BM will be at our house at 5:30 to trick or treat. Trick or treat starts at 6pm...so she is just going to sit and chill and hang out with us for 30 minutes prior?!?! WTF!??!? I am not okay with this. So of course now I am the bad guy for complaining to him that I don't want to have his EX WIFE hanging out at our place for 30 minutes prior to trick or treating - ugh it is bad enough that we even have to do it with her but come on!!!! If this was a woman that actually appreciated my role in her daughter's life or had any type of respect for me and SO I wouldn't be so irate but she is not a good person. To me Halloween is a minor holiday and the fact that they feel the need to both take a 10 year old trick or treating together just seems ridiculous to me at this point. Why force something so insignificant? Why not rotate it like we do with Christmas and Thanksgiving? I'm also pissed that he is now mad at me. His ex is the one making this an issue b/c you know damn well that if it was his year to go to her town and he chose to stay with us (we have a son together also) that BM would make it out like he chose his son over his daughter. I realize that he doesn't want to hang out with her either but my God that woman needs some damn boundaries! I love SO but I have put up with so much from this woman that I no longer want to spend any time with her and especially not in my home!
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There is no way in hell BM
There is no way in hell BM would be allowed in my house to "sit and chill" nor would my DH be walking around so a 10 YEAR OLD can trick or treat. She will be wearing a bra and pad in less than 2 years, they both need to get over it. You are right, Trick or Treating is not a major holiday, certainly one that can be rotated with who ever happens to have her lets her go do it at their house.
I have twin SDs9. We didn't even walk with them, we stayed home and passed out the candy and they went on their merry way with their friends.
Right?!?! Then he acts like
Right?!?! Then he acts like I'm the bad guy for getting pissed off about this?!!? NOOOOOOOOOO - your EX WIFE needs to understand what DIVORCE means - it means that you don't get to do everything together as a family anymore - your choice not mine! I wish I would have read their stupid custody agreement before getting involved with him! LOL! If I had I would have RUN so far and fast away!
Oh, we could never let SD go that far away without supervision! BM is a helicopter mom so therefore SD is not really independent at all. I would let my son (also 10) go trick or treating in our neighborhood alone if he wanted. We don't live in a bad area but he isn't even interested in trick or treating this year. I refuse though to continue to inconvenience me and my family to cater to BM's jacked up ideas/custody agreement. If he wants to go to her town just to see his daughter on Halloween that is fine. I won't stop him but I am not going along. I'm just mostly pissed that she thinks showing up at our home 30 minutes early and hanging out is okay!
I went through some of this
I went through some of this when DH was first divorced. I remember that first Christmas we were dating, he slept at BMs house on the couch so he could wake up to Christmas morning with them and pretend to be a happy family. I let that first one go, after that I said never again will I sit home so you can pretend to be married to BM.
Oh man, that is ridiculous,
Oh man, that is ridiculous, I'm surprised BM hasn't tried to stay at our house on our year to have her for that very reason...or expected SO to stay at hers! I don't think I would have stayed with SO if he pulled that crap. Shared holidays are bad enough! I hate how BM says, "it is in SD's best interest", no, really, it isn't! It just confuses them. You are divorced but still trying to act married! I will admit that the BM I deal with has dialed her crazy notch down a bit from how extreme it was when I first started dating SO but it is time to change some of these ridiculous "shared holidays". When I first met SO you would have thought I was the one that broke up there marriage with how she treated me - wasn't the case though - they had been divorced for like 3-4 years at that point and now almost 4 years later and she is still trying to hold onto that control. I guess she is at least committed to her cause :?
Things like this make me
Things like this make me grateful BM doesn't want to be responsible and hasn't so much as pretended to care about Halloween... or Fourth of July.... She came to hang in our home once (Medling MIL, since it's her house apparently she can arrange custody whenever and wherever she wants. I informed DH NEVER AGAIN. And he had to chat with MIL) I about died. So I understand why you wouldn't want that... our BM throws herself at DH in rather ummm... inappropriate attire too, so that's not okay.
I agree. I love Halloween... But if you're alternating the big holidays... ALTERNATE HALLOWEEN FOR F**** SAKE. I'm sorry you're dealing with this crap... keep us updated... Maybe have a VERY stern talking with DH. Cuz that's ridiculous.
It would be so much easier to
It would be so much easier to have a BM that didn't care or overstep boundaries so frequently. Oh, SO knows that I am not happy at all and I am sure he won't be allowing BM to make such plans at my home again. The BM I deal with doesn't act like she still wants SO and doesn't flirt with him or anything. She has a bf. I am not worried about any of that. I simply just DO NOT like her because of all the drama she has caused us.
I also love Halloween but now I am dreading going home and taking my kids out b/c BM has inserted herself into our lives once again. I will def post an update. I'm hoping I don't snap, lol, I always pride myself in being the bigger person and not stooping to her level of crazy but man oh man I am just DONE!!!!
I would make this very
I would make this very awkward and uncomfortable for her so she doesn't want to come back. Stare at her with no expression, give dirty looks, snide remarks, that sort of thing.
That was my plan but I am
That was my plan but I am honestly just not that type of person. I will update that at least she didn't show up until after 6pm. I don't know if SO told her to come later or if she was just late. I don't care. At least she didn't hang out in my home for 30 awkward minutes! LOL! We just started trick or treating as soon as she got there and I just basically ignored her and enjoyed my kids
Oh she still oversteps
Oh she still oversteps boundaries whenever possible. We're just through an uncomfortably quiet stage... whenever she does appear though she oversteps any and all boundaries and makes me want to punch someone.
She tries to inert herself and contacts MIL behind DH's back. Before like 5/6 months ago she caused daily drama and lots of tears. Now we have periods of silence with short spurts of terror
Hahahaha, speaking of
Hahahaha, speaking of boundaries (this BM is always jumping over those) - she introduced herself to our neighbor who has a daughter that plays with SD when she is at our house. Of course she had to make it known that she was SD's mom and have this nice little chit chatty convo. I can't stand this neighbor because she is loud and controlling and crazy but I do like her daughter. Afterward SO and I told BM about how whacko the neighbor is (she also doesn't understand boundaries - just walked into my back yard the other day and proceeded to yell at my kids and leave) and many other instances. I specifically said - "she just has NO BOUNDARIES and she needs to figure that out"....I was hoping that she realized I was directing that at her as well!
Oh and BM has been tolerable the past few months but she caused so much drama up to that point that I do not trust her and know it is only a matter of time before another crazy bomb goes off!
I hate the concept of shared
I hate the concept of shared holidays. Switch off.. compromise somehow.. but it is just silly for adults to have to run around (especially on a work night) or hang out with their EX? nope. Just shoot a pic of the kid in costume and send it to parent who doesn't have that day.
Why do people think splitting a day is a good idea I have no clue.
Some people can and some
Some people can and some people cannot. I always did with my ex-husband before his psycho new-whatever came along. Now he just doesn't see the kids at all.
In about 20 minutes, my husband's ex-wife, their child and her children (from her 2nd marriage - now divorced) will be coming over. His ex-wife's now-ex-husband will come over at some point. But, they are just a few people who will be coming over. My sister and her family, my cousin and his family, co-workers, my husband's sister and her family, some friends.
We have The.Best neighborhood for trick-or-treating. People go all out. Everyone dresses up, even the adults. Most everyone cooks. I currently have a huge pot of chili cooking, hotdogs are ready with all the fixins, hamburgers were grilled by the husband, people will bring drinks and desserts. I have hot chocolate and apple cider. The husband will start the bonfire out back soon, and everyone will have a great time. Best of all, no fighting over kids. No one goes without seeing their kids (well, my idiot ex does). It's nice when it works.
momof3smof2 - I would be okay
momof3smof2 - I would be okay with what you described if we weren't dealing with a crazy BM.
ESMOD, I agree completely, it
ESMOD, I agree completely, it is ridiculous and that is why I told SO if it was her year to go in her neighborhood I would not be joining them. I'm not inconveniencing myself and my kids for their agreement. So BM had to bring SD to our neighborhood to have her "shared holiday" since she insists on sticking with this nonsense. They don't even split the "shared holiday" it is forced time spent with BM just so SO can see SD. Halloween isn't that big of a deal but whatever. At least it is over now and she didn't come early as she had initially planned! Thank the Lord!
What a freaking nightmare!
What a freaking nightmare! Why on earth is your DH okay with BM hanging out in your home?? There is no way in hades my DH would allow BioHo to so much as stick her toe over the doorway - he would shut the door in her face. SMDH
Is there any way to set up a neutral meeting place for 5:45pm? Sorry, but I would be adamant that BM in your home is NOT acceptable.
Because apparently he lost
Because apparently he lost his balls recently. When we first met he wouldn't be okay with it. Lately BM hasn't been as crazy and that is probably why he didn't say anything....plus he wanted to see SD. I don't care though. He knew I was pissed and even called them and told them they didn't have to come but they were already on their way. Thankfully she didn't show up early so either SO told her not to or she was just running late. I don't care. I was just happy she didn't get there early. I'm really still just more upset with SO over this. Clearly he is back to being the doormat that caters to making BM happy like he was when we first met. I'm not sure how he digressed back to this but he better start worrying about my feelings than BM or he can kick rocks!
I was talking to my mother
I was talking to my mother about how the BM in my life at first agreed weeks ago that DH could take the kids trick or treating and then tried to back out of her agreement this weekend (Halloween is not accounted for in their CO and since she's the CP, the kids are with her whenever Halloween is on a weekday). My mother said, "I would have loved it, if someone else would have taken you trick or treating when you were a kid. Then I wouldn't have had to go." Not sure why both parents have to tag along. I don't have kids, but if DH and I do have a kid, other than maybe the first few Halloweens, he is welcome to take the child trick or treating on his own. I didn't even really like trick or treating when I was a kid and he loves it.
Second, if it were me, BM wouldn't even be allowed to sit on my doorstep...no way. They'd have to find some public meeting spot to hang out, at for those 30 minutes.
Finally, I hear you on the DH doing more to appease BM than me because she's difficult. Periodically, when I get mad over something that BM does or something that DH does, he'll tell me, "I have enough drama in my life, I don't need drama from you, too." At which point, I tell him, "oh, so I'm just supposed to sit here and let everyone else do what they want because you chose wrong the last time you got married?!!" It's not my problem that BM gives him drama...she gives me drama, too and I wasn't the one foolish enough to marry her.
I agree with your mom, lol,
I agree with your mom, lol, it really isn't that fun to walk around in the cold with candy crazed kids. When they are younger it is super cute but still kind of a pain. There is no reason that both parents have to go other than BM can't miss any "special moment" with SD. BM accounted for every possible holiday and scenario in her CO. It is the craziest CO I have ever read. SO is dumb for agreeing to it though. That was before we met but I know even his step mom tried to talk him out of agreeing just to get rid of BM...and agreeing didn't get rid of her...it only forced him to "share holidays"....ugh!
I try to be civil with BM for SD's case. She didn't end up coming early so she just waited on the porch for us to come out.
OMG, your DH sounds just like mine. He expects me to just suck everything up b/c "he is trying to do the right thing" and by that he means he is trying to keep BM off the crazy train at the expense of our relationship suffering instead and I am so over that. Oh and I've dealt with BM's drama as well. I've told him many times that if we broke up there is no way he would find another woman willing to deal with BM's madness either so why should I?!?!?!!?
I haven’t trick or treated
I haven’t trick or treated with my BD in 3 years, she is off with her friends. My God but I saw oodles of parents come through our ZooBoo event last night and they were videoing their entire interactions for the whole zoo!!! People these days are making things to be like cult worshipping almost.
I realize many parents want to spend the events with their kids each year but when does the madness end?????
OMG, yes!!!! Parents these
OMG, yes!!!! Parents these days make it out like the world revolves around their kids and they have to record everything b/c everyone on fb wants to watch everyone elses kids trick or treating, right??!?! LOL! I do enjoy the pics of kids in their costumes but it has become a big spectacle.
I read this article the other day and it was dead on - it was called The Fragile Generation - http://reason.com/archives/2017/10/26/the-fragile-generation - hopefully that link works. It is a long read but it so accurately describes the problem with parenting these days. When I read it all I could think about is all the crazy BMs on this site doing all of these things and thinking they are MOTY when they aren't helping their kids at all!
I would simply tell H... oh I
I would simply tell H... oh I hope BM enjoys her half an hour sitting in the car, cause she will not set foot into this house...
WTF was he thinking? They could've met at a coffee shop or something,
LMAO, I always love your
LMAO, I always love your advice Acra! Thankfully she didn't come early but exactly! Wtf was he thinking?!?! He apparently wasn't! He better start though because if he makes any more dumb moves like that he can go sit at BM's house and chill and figure out where he will be living after that!