Bottom line: The child IS NOT YOURS. He is not your problem. It is not your "duty" to "mother" him in any way,shape,or form. Anything above and beyond "I'll make sure you don't play in traffic" would be things you do because YOU WANT TO...not because some social worker or your BF is expecting it from you. Be a friend to SS and make sure you're not a total bitch to him bc he doesn't deserve to feel unwelcome with you but honestly, that's where your responsibility ends unless YOU make a conscious choice to take it further with him. As far as BF is concerned, the only thing he should be expecting from you is that you are kind to his child and helping to make the child feel comfortable in ways like an aunt or friend would do. Hugs,kisses,maybe a few kid friendly meals...then send the little guy home with a smile.

Example of disengaging in my home: Sd has a gross,annoying habit of leaving her used napkins on the table after every meal. We are not poor,nor are we hurting for money yet DH's excuse for this pigish habit of hers is, "oh she reuses them during her next meal she's trying to conserve."
:? OK...then why does she still use a new one for each meal??? At the end of the weekend there are an army of used,soiled napkins at her end of the table.
I USED to pick them up...sigh heavily,angrily and tell DH, "SD needs to start FULLY cleaning her mess after she gets up from a meal...this is GROSS." Then DH would become resentful that I was angry at his baby and her efforts to "save and conserve".
Currently I ignore the mess ALL weekend. I clean the table around her disgusting soiled napkin pile and leave them there. Eventually, I'll hear DH heave an ENORMOUS sigh and pick them up himself. Then I look like a tolerant saint and he can be the impatient bad guy to his own kid.

Another example of disengaging at its finest: SD is becomming EXTREMELY like exbeast in the way she speaks to her father. VERY derogatory and smartass. I used to be like, "Can you please not let your daughter talk to you that way because then ChooChoo thinks it's ok to treat you like stinky garbage too." DH, "*HUGE HEAVY SIGH* I didn't notice her talking to me badly...I'll talk to her about it..." Then I, the darling wife,look like a nit picky jerk.
Currently: When I hear SD talking like a gum-smacking smart mouthed little ass to DH...I ignore it. I'm not his mommy or his protector. Eventually I'll hear DH finally snap at SD, "You need to watch how you talk to me little girl!!"

*giggle* I didn't even have to get my blood pressure up...

Work out your own salvation. Do not depend on others. ~Buddha

"putting your SS first?"

That's mom and dad's job........PERIOD. They no longer have a marriage, so they can do that. I mean, separate, but together, they can try to put the kids first - that's the dynamic of their divorced relationship.

FH and I come first in our home. Developing our relationship, revolving around the kids' schedules, homework, chores, and attitudes. We HAVE to be healthy.

I disengaged, and I'm better for it.

I disengaged from BM and FH's personal daily crap. I refused to be involved in their day to day bickering anymore.
That's the disengaging I chose. I am still there for all my kids. I enjoy my time with them and I let FH deal with the BM and all her crap.

Seriously, this woman was driving me crazy FROM THE NEXT TOWN OVER! How can that happen? She's not in my home. But, she was in my thoughts all day and night. I HAD to stop that. I hate that she's the one who gave birth to these two wonderful girls that I love. But, I can't control that. I can only control what goes on in my home, in my life.

******My daddy always said: "It's better to be a SMARTASS, than a DUMBASS!******

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"But what if for example my SS is really messy and leaves huge messes everywhere, I would disengage and just leave the mess? I hope my BF won't get angry about that"

WHY are you going to care if he gets angry??? Seriously sweetie...if HIS little angel leaves a mess and YOU don't play Cinderella and rush to clean it up...that is BF's problem. NOT YOURS. HE can get angry and stomp his little feet all day long but if you start cleaning up those messes from a child that isn't yours, you're gonna be cleanin them for the rest of your life and hating every minute of it.

Work out your own salvation. Do not depend on others. ~Buddha

Yes, you can disengage when a step child lives with you. I just started this last week after coming back home (I left for 2 weeks because I needed to make a decision on whether or not I wanted my marriage to work). Disengaging is what both my husband and I came up with. This last week has been fantastic. Apparently while I was gone, my husband got a taste of what life with his son was really like. Now, he does all of the parental duties. If his son leaves a mess, it stays there (until husband or ss cleans it). If his son, doesn't want to brush his teeth, take a shower, or he wants to wear the same clothes 2 days in a row, so be it. I have been less stressed and my husband and I are getting along better because I'm not "picking on his baby", who by the way is 9 years old. SS and I are actually getting along better because I am not as stressed and don't deal with any of the bull crap anymore. I hope this lasts, but it can be done. It's hard, I've had to bite my tongue a few times, but I just think, bottom line, I'm not his mother, so screw it.

We have both disengaged from the situation from different and one same perspective.

I have disengaged from trying to understand or get a resolution from BM - It is just not that important to me anymore. She is not going to get into my marriage emotionally anymore... My husband and I have decided to put our energies on us - if not then she wins... as she is trying to end our marriage anyways.

I no longer care if she likes me, hates me, lies on me, or anything else to do with her. I will continue to treat SD as my own and the court order will handle BM.

DH has resigned to do the same. TO not even pay her attention other than being cordial when picking up SD. The new court order handles the rest. All activivies, pickups, extra-curricular, holidays, etc.

No need for the extra drama anymore. So it is working well so far. She has tried - when we dropped SD off on Sunday - but the response was turning around and walking away. She basically just stood there with her mouth open - and it felt damn good.

AND we had absolutely no stress as a result. I am glad we decided to just let her do whatever and govern ourselves according to what works for us.

********She doesn't have to love me or even like me - it doesn't change a dang thing..... So get over it and move on BM!************

I tried to disengage. I tried not to take things personally, though after a while, it became almost impossible to not engage with a child who spreads lies about you as a person to anyone willing to believe what a 13, 14, 15, 16, 17-year-old thinks and claims.

Once, I was asked by my stepdaughter if I wanted to go to a Bingo Hall with my ex, her friend and her two sons, along with my stepdaughter. I declined and said that I didn't really like bingo and that since I would be the only male adult in the group, it sort of made me feel like a fifthwheel. And then I said, "I think I'd be bored, but go ahead and have a good time. Win some money!"

I would later find out that my ex's friend - the mother of two boys - had taken a strong dislike for me because she (later) quoted my stepdaughter as saying that I had personally found the woman to be boring. Of course, no amount of explaining mattered - I was Hitler reincarnated (and there is something to be said about differences between raising boys compared to girls).

Such was my life. And now, I have completely disengaged from my ex and her family because I got tired of worrying about people believing half-truths and lies spread by my stepdaughter.

For me, it was the lies. I got tired of the lies.

But I was never indifferent - I just disengaged, and then ultimately, left.

I wanted to say that when I say disengage I don't mean "ignore" or not being there for SD if she has a moment of clarity and wants to talk or work on our relationship. Selkie's so right (and hon, your family is no more dysfunctional than each of ours in our own way! Your advice has been incredibly enlightening for me, especially this week. I will be posting a POSITIVE blog at some point in the next few days, thanks to you and all the women I've come to know on here and the bpd board.)

When I disengaged, as I said above, I stepped back from parenting duties. If SD wanted to participate in a sport and DH wasn't available to take her, she had to arrange a ride. If she wanted a favor from me, she had to treat me with respect or I would not comply. That all came from a mutual agreement between me and DH, when SD fully flipped from idolization of me, to extreme vile hatred of me. She screamed more than once raging red faced spitting whilst in my face that I was NOT HER MOM AND COULD NOT TELL HER WHAT TO DO. She raised her fist to me while saying it. DH told me that week...
You're not her mom, so it's ok with me if you step out of trying to be one to her for a while.

We discussed ahead of time what that would mean and how to do it consistently. I never imagined it would take a year for her to ask me to be her mom again, to invite me into the role again, but it did. And as soon as she did, I told her I would like to be, but that it would take some time to earn our trust back for both of us.

Then I re-engaged slowly. Took her to a movie just us. Took her shopping just us. Gave her rides to friends or sports when she asked politely and gave me respect.

Now...what I think I did more than totally disengage is what Selkie said, I set a big boundary. I let SD know that I loved her but would not be abused by her. It took her a LONG time to realize that was not the way she wanted it to be, and honestly she only started to come around after one nasty nearly physical altercation when DH told her...

Either start being part of this family and treating us all with respect and love, or you will go somewhere else to live. Either I will move out with you to one of the long distance commute towns where I work, or you will live with your Aunt and Uncle or Grandma and Grandpa. OR YOUR MOM.

That was the turning point, the "moment of Zen" so to speak. The next week was when she took off and lied about where she would be and her friend who's house she was supposed to be hanging out in called to invite her over. The night she raged and demeaned me as a mother, really one of the last times she has done so. The night she laughed in my face for saying I was worried about her with her dad out of town and not knowing where she was.

In her rage she called BM to complain about me, and BM either stayed on the phone for 2 mins as usual, or didn't answer/call back. SD had told me how HER MOM wouldn't CARE about this. Real mom's don't CARE.

I somehow pulled out all research on how to respond and by some miracle I was able to say, "I'm sorry you feel I am not a good mom to you, but you are quite wrong about my not loving you and worrying about you. Real mom's care. Sometimes too much. But we do." And I walked away.

And the next day was that conversation about her taking things out on me, her asking me to be her mom again, to get our relationship back again etc. Of course it didn't last, but I was sincere and allowed myself to be vulnerable to her when I said, "I need to hear that when you feel you can say it. Because I start to shut off the part of me that cares when you treat me with such disdain. I know I shouldn't do that but I'm human and I have feelings too. I'm not perfect. But thank you for this today, because now when you say you hate me etc, I can pull out this conversation from today, and remember you don't mean it."

Hugs tears etc.

And of course that didn't last long, but...

I am cyclical (as Colorado Girl has noted many times) and I go from thinking I need out of this dysfunction before it kills me, or that I can find the compassion I need to continue the fight for SD.

Selkie, thanks for being part of the latest epiphany, for sharing all the tough emotional stuff you do on here with us.

This is the best forum on disengagement I have found. It seems to me that disengaging is alot like practicing the art of not being co-dependent. The man I have known now for five years and I just bought a house two months ago. I've always had a problem with his relationship with his only child, a daughter--and with the daughter herself. They are too close. She is spoiled, indulged in, and will never do anything without getting something in return. She has had a difficult time coping with many things. She stretches the boundaries (she has been a lesbian since she was seven, wants to be a tatoo artist, changes her appearance every other month, etc.). She is VERY bright, which covers up her emotional lack of maturity. Her father always makes excuses for her behavior. It seems that she is always going through "something" and therefore he is very forgiving of her attitude and the messes she leaves behind. I have rasied five children, all of whom are respectful and kind. Certainly not entitled. I struggle with this child. I don't love her and there are times when I don't even like her. And yet, she's his only daughter. I discovered the concept of disengagement a few days ago, when I was searching for something-anything-online that could help me with this situation. What is clear to me is this: 1) I am not this child's mother; 2) I can be respectful and kind to her and not feel a need to love her; 3) it is her father's job to discipline her; 4) I dont't need to tell her father what I see he's doing wrong; 5) I can remind myself that I'm in a primary relationship with him, not his daughter; 6) I don't need to beat myself up for not feeling warm and fuzzy toward this child; and 7) the more I disengage, the greater the chance the father will have of seeing his certain things about his daughter that he can't see right now.

If any of you can offer advise and/or good books to read, I would love to hear form you.

I have been disengaging for a while. I just did not realize that is what it is called. I used to get involved and upset every time the BM called and told us about horrible behavior from SD. I would give advice and feel like it was the right thing to do to support fiance. All I ever got was resentment from everyone. They don't resent when my money is used to purchase ridiculous items for this child like a car for her sixteenth birthday that she did not deserve because she had dropped out of school. Or, the $4000 of my money that was used to enter her into a private school that she could not even complete one semester of. I have since realized that my life and money can be separate from these people who do not respect or appreciate me in any way. The good life is over for these people. I will not give one more dime or any time to this 17 year old person who does not deserve it. She comes to me and tells me things that she cannot talk to BP's about, then runs to them and tells them that its ok because I knew about the things for a while. This in turn causes my fiance to be upset with me because i should tell him everything that concerns HIS daughter. I have since started telling her "before you say whatever it is that you are going to say, remember that I am not keeping anything from your father, so if you don't want him to know it then don't tell me". She has been trying to drive us apart evry since her mother decided that she wanted my fiance back in her life. I'm sure they have planned these little scenarios to cause us to fight. There is no other way for me but to disengage and it feels good. Let these people lie in the bed that they made (which is filled with crumbs) and I am going to go back to doing the things that make me happy.

I have alternated between being totally engaged, totally disengaged and everywhere in between.

When DH and I were dating he would cater to SD every whim. His life completely revolved around her. Early in our relationship I put my foot down. He showed up over an hour late for a date because he agreed to play taxi for SD. His excuse she was not ready to leave at the planned time. I let him have it. In a nut shell he could chose to let her be completely disrespectful of his time but I was choosing NOT to allow him to be disrespectful of mine. In the end we agreed to some ground rules. If SD wants a ride when we have already made plans it will be arranged around our plans. If she is not ready within 15 minutes of the time agreed on no ride.

For over 10 year SD had her dad to herself. She sees the move towards a healthier and more appropriate relationship with her dad as abandonment. She is not happy if she is not controlling others around her. Not getting what she wants when she wants it equals abandonment. DH would confide he felt like a "Taxi" or an "ATM". I offered support and encouragement. When her behavior towards me was out of line I got angry. But, unless the behavior affected me directly a solicited opinion was all I offered.

THEN we got married and SD decided she was not safe in BM home. She literally moved in the same month of our wedding. I'm still very new at this part and it's been a roller coaster. I feel pretty confident she is hoping to reclaim her dad by living in our home. DH has Brady Bunch ideas of what a blended home would mean. If I let him, DH would make me responsible for SD. I have resisted and caused many arguments when trying to make him understand why he's wrong to expect it.

I feel no responsibility to SD, but I love my husband and want to see him happy. I don't hate my SD but, I don't trust her. I don't love my SD but, I do empathize with some of the hurt I know she is feeling. I don't want to add to her pain but I won't let her come between us. The hardest part is the reaction of DH family. They are very accepting of me and supportive of our relationship. Even thought they have made comments about how much of an improvement in attitude and behavior they see in SD after only two months most feel it is wrong for us to accept her into our home at this point. My MIL, who normally keeps her opinions to herself, discussed with us how conflicted she felt. She want's so bad for her granddaughter to have a happy and productive life but she's concerned because me and DH "Need to like each other when this is over"

For now I am working on boundaries and disengaging myself from the drama. If I come home and SD is barricade in her room, on the phone or otherwise occupied I ignore her. If she comes out of her room and tries to talk to me I talk back. If I'm making dinner for the family I make enough for her and invite her to join us. If DH is working, and B-kids are away at school, or it's a leftover night I let her fend for herself. If DH asks me to do things for her I feel she should do for herself I say no. If he chooses to do it for her so be it. If DH asks me to do things for her I feel are his responsibility I say no. If he chooses not to do it for her they need to work it out.