I have had this internal struggle between wanting to try to be a good SM even though I hate it, and knowing I am just not great at it. So I keep trying, then there's the guilt when you don't try. It's a new mindset to just basically back off completely and ask them about their day or chat and that's it. 

Well, DH has said that SD will be paying for most of her car. I asked SD last night if Crazy was going to pay/buy her one, and she scoffed and said "yeah right, I doubt she'll give me anything for it. I doubt anyone will help with it". Funny that mom of the year/her best friend won't help! DH currently pays for ALL of SS's car ins, despite the agreement that Crazy/DH/SS would split it 3 ways. Crazy backed out of her portion and DH just decided SS is "such a good kid" that he was going to pay for SS's portion too. I swear if he pays for SD's also, I am going to scream. Crazy can pay for something. But she will sit back and not do it as long as DH steps up. Each kid has to pay for their own gas. Both kids have jobs and are perfectly capable of paying for these things, but DH has dad guilt and then starts paying for things, even when that wasn't the agreement. 

What's funny is DH does not even cook for skids at all, even if I'm not cooking. I mean, they are 14 and 17 and capable, but still. DH will cook 1 meal a month, at most. So him telling me not to cook means skids are on their own. Fine, I was just trying to be nice. And it's the same exact thing here, many of my meals are not things DH wants, but if it's something he does want I'll make enough for him too. It's a total change of mindset for me, but it's helpful to hear others went through the same thing.  

My thoughts exactly. It is insanity. I also am super offended that DH seems to think I have a motive for everything, or there is ill intent with everything I do. I very often do nice things for skids and everyone else- HE is the one who told me to stop doing nice things for SD, she doesn't appreciate it. But by cooking dinner, I'm doing it to "have a say", and not just to be nice? So yes, interesting to see what he thinks is going to happen if I'm not cooking. I am going to disengage a whole lot more- I am SO sick of fighting about skids, and now that DH is on 1st shift it has only gotten worse. Skids and I used to have a groove when he was gone most nights. Now that he's home, he has his hands in everything, every conversation, and it feels very micromanaged. DH thinks his way of parenting is the only way. Fine DH. Raise your f'ng kids all by yourself, I'm done trying to help.

And the mindset that "they are not your kids, how I parent them or the decisions I make do not affect you". What?? They are people that live in my house, and I care about the kind of people I share space with! I also do care about their well being, and he would too. So yes, I'm supposed to just deal with all of it, and how he handles it (or doesn't, in some cases), and just be quiet about it. I am literally disengaging to save our marriage, because I can't handle it. 

I will say this- I don't see a time where if skids are truly out of line, me just shutting up and taking it. I am not built that way. I'm trying to separate it into 2 categories- skids are screwing up in school? I never get involved, and never have- that goes in the DH-only bucket. Skids screw up and it doesn't directly impact me or my house? I used to want to get involved here and have a say, this is going to be the tricky one, but this will now go in the DH-only bucket. Skids are screwing up and impacting me or my house? That's in the DH AND ME bucket.  

I also see times where I will probably make dinners that skids can eat, even if they don't eat it at the time I make it, they can have leftovers. Not very often, with the new "I shouldn't cook for skids" thing, but maybe once a week or every-other time they are here. This is different from me trying to think of dinners specifically to make for them when they are here- no more of that. When I start to get irritated that DH is dictating things, I remind myself that skids have not been sending me their schedules like they have been repeatedly told, so I don't know when it makes sense to cook anyway. Last time they were here I made calzones from scratch and it turned out SS had a basketball dinner and SD was going out with a friend, which no one told me about so no one ate them. I was PISSED. So this all kind of works out. 

His comment is absolutely ridiculous. I even made him repeat it to make sure I was understanding correctly. Like how in the actual f*ck did you even come up with that?? I think he knows that, he is just now too proud to admit it, so he's sticking to the "don't cook for skids" comment, but not addressing the other nonsense he said. 

Either way, I sure as hell am not just going to sit back and never say anything. Does he even know me?  

He just does not cook, no matter what. He will make himself tator tots for dinner and sometimes offer SD some. We have a very "everyone fends for themselves unless Truenorth is cooking dinner" kind of mentality in our house. I definitely don't cook every night, maybe 2 nights a week when I feel like it, and there are sometimes leftovers they eat other nights. Otherwise they just eat what they want. Everyone just crawls out of their rooms when they are hungry and rustles something up, so there are no set mealtimes. I decided early on I wasn't going to come in and take the responsibility of making dinner every single night- F that, these aren't my kids and it's not something I desired to do (he did make more meals when they were younger, but that's long gone). Even *if* I decide to cook something for DH as I'm making my own dinner, skids usually don't even know cause they are in their rooms. It's almost like nothing is changing except now they have 2-3 more nights to fend for themselves. 

Definitely not defending DH, but me not cooking will not be a noticeable detriment to DH's parental abilities in skids eyes as they are used to it and would probably be shocked if he did.