At what point does "doing the right thing" make you a doormat?
I really get that FDH is trying. He's trying to do what's best for his kids, keep the peace with whatshername, and have a good relationship with me. But there are things that just make me wonder if he's trying too hard.
So, today he FINALLY gets a response from whatshername about Mother's Day. Since it's our weekend, and the court order clearly states that Mother's Day/Father's Day (the day, not the whole weekend) should be spent with the appropriate parent, regardless of who's weekend it is. So, several weeks ago FDH asked her 1) if she wanted the boys for Mother's Day and 2) if she would like him to drop them off on Saturday evening or Sunday morning. After much going back and forth, and long periods of silence (she wanted each of them separately for a day, basically shooting the hell out of our weekend plans, FDH said no and then she pouted), she finally responded this afternoon (after two reminder emails this week, the last of which was sent this morning), she decided she wanted them at 1 pm on Saturday. What????? How did it become another half of a day in addition to Mother's Day?
While I'm trying to stay out of this stuff because all it does is piss me off, I asked him about it (I posted about this before but hadn't gotten the "why"). His response, "she wants to take them roller skating in the afternoon." WTF? The rink is open on Sunday. She had them last weekend. She'll have them next weekend. (It's 50/50.) The same woman who wouldn't let us take the boys for 2 hours on one of her Sunday mornings so they could sing with their Sunday school choir, saying that FDH couldn't keep "borrowing the boys" on her time, can have him drop them off for an extra afternoon so she could do something with them that she could just as easily do with them the next day?
While the arrangement is 50/50, she ultimately spends more time with them because she doesn't work. So, on the days they're off of school and over vacations, she's with them all day. Yet she complains if FDH wants to take them to something on one of her days. Okay, I get it that it's not her day and it's her right to say no. But then how the hell can she expect to get an extra afternoon out of our weekend? And, to top things off, it took several emails before she finally decided to respond - two days before she expects to get them.
I really get that he's just trying to be nice, but come on. She pulls this shit as a way to control him, the situation, and ultimately our household. And she does it because she can. Because he lets her. I don't want to go off on him because his heart's in the right place (trying to be civil, respectful and considerate to the mother of his children). But the fact that he doesn't realize giving in like this and not holding her to the two options he provided causes more trouble down the road shows that sometimes his head is lodged firmly somewhere else.
- sorryilovemydogmore's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Yep, I agree completely. I'm
Yep, I agree completely. I'm kind of hoping I get a bunch of responses like this so I can show him and say, "See, I'm not the only one who thinks you're opening yourself up to this crap."
And I agree that doing the
And I agree that doing the right thing doesn't make you a doormat, if it is truly the right thing. But I think sometimes people just give in rather than dealing with potential conflict and hide behind the excuse of "trying to do the right thing" instead of doing the real right thing which is standing up for yourself, your family and control of your own life. And by people, in this case I am talking about FDH.
Surely the court order
Surely the court order specifies what time she gets them? If so then that is what time she would get them. If it does not specify, then perhaps your dh could restrain himself to only giving a couple of options such as I can drop them off Sat even at 6pm OR Sunday morning at 8am. Let me know. If I dont hear back from you by such and such time I'll assume it doesnt matter either way and I'll drop them off at (pick whatever time works best for you guys).
The court order unfortunately
The court order unfortunately does not specify a time. And he did only give her two options. She didn't like them, kept coming back with her own and then would go silent when he said no. Then finally today came back with Saturday afternoon. And he reinforced her behavior by saying yes. It's a little thing, I know, it's only a couple of hours but I'm pissed.
If he said yes, then he's
If he said yes, then he's just opening himself up to future problems. It's like a child. Once they think they can ask enough times and wear you down, they will forever be trying to do it again.
Yes, yes, yes. I've been
Yes, yes, yes. I've been trying to tell him this for, oh, the last year and a half. Sometimes he gets it, but other times, not so much.
I guess I was just looking to vent and get a little validation that I'm not being completely crazy and unreasonable.
I don't understand this who
I don't understand this who fighting about time. My BF and his ex have never had issues with who has the kids. Yes, there is a CO, but it's hard to stick to, kids have events, friends, and when they get older the more it happens. I guess the reason they've never had problems is neither one of them has been greedy about the time thing and it's worked out perfect for everyone. They don't keep track of the exact hours or even days, they give and take as it has been necessary. don't get me wrong the BM is a real pain in many other ways, money, etc, but the time sharing has never been an issue. The girls study better at their mom's, so before finals no matter if it's his weekend or not they stay at moms and study. In the summer, they like his pool, so they may spend more time with him during the summer. It's been a give and take. I guess we've just been lucky!
Generally it's not a big
Generally it's not a big deal. What is a big deal is her expectation that he makes concessions for her while she has no obligation to do the same. And he reinforces her sense of entitlement by not holding her to reasonable standards of mutual respect and consideration.
Good for your BF and his ex, though.
I Agree, Too
Agreed about expectation, concessions, etc. So, when we lived over an hour away from this whatshername, we has ss nearly every weekend and DH handled ALL transportation of SS back and forth. She never even met him halfway, once. Now, we live 10 minutes from her and SS is living with us. We bought SS a bus pass to use to get back and forth from Community College because we both work. She was actually having SS take the bus to her nearest station on our dime, too lazy to drive the 10 minutes to pick up her son. We think she no longer has a driver's license due to a dui and is having SS lie to us about her excuses why she can't come pick him up. That bus pass is for school, not for her extreme laziness.