seeing red - or, why should the skids listen to me when you don't?
Adding some additional information:
Before I get jumped on (more) for talking to my FDH like a five year old - things don't come across the same in written format. I have a very slow, quiet but sterm way of talking when I am upset about something. Unless you know me, you wouldn't even know that I'm upset. I got that from my dad. Usually the amount of trouble I was in was inversely related to his volume (the quieter he was, the more trouble I was in).
This is not a post about kids asking about dinner, or whether or not homework assignments should or shouldn't be signed. It's a post about FDH asking me to do something, not liking the way I did it, us discussing it in front of the kids, and then him turning around and doing the exact opposite as soon as I walked out of the room.
Obviously feel free to make any comments you wish, I do appreciate everyone's opinions, especially when I'm feeling "venty".
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We're having accountability issues in our house. I'm thinking it's hereditary because whatshername is a professional victim - in other words, nothing is ever, ever her fault. Even if it is (which it usually is).
So, last night FDH brings the boys home after their swimming lessons. They were at WHN's last weekend, so we haven't seen them in 5 days. Of course the first words out of SS8's mouth weren't "hi Sorry!" but, "what's for dinner?" Grr. And then SS6 (today's his birthday, I made treats to send to school with him this morning) comes in and says the exact same thing. Anyway....
FDH told both boys to take their backpacks into the computer room and told SS8 to pull out everything that needed to be signed (he does his homework at afterschool care). After dinner, I looked at the assignment notebook, signed it and signed his spelling test. They have this reading thing where kids can bring home books (in addition to their regular reading) and for everyone they finish they get points. Parents (or in my case almost-step-parents) sign when the book is finished and that's how the teacher knows to award the points. But, SS8 didn't put that out to be signed.
This morning, FDH went though SS8's backpack again (even though I told him I went through and signed everything) and asked SS8 about the book sheet. He said it was supposed to be signed. I said, "well, Dad told you to put out everything to be signed, I told you to put out everything to be signed and when you came into the kitchen before dinner, I asked you if you put out everything to be signed. You said yes. Since you didn't put it out, we won't be signing this. I'm sorry bud, but if you bring it home tonight and put it out to be signed we will sign it." And then I walked up stairs to finish getting ready. I had a feeling something was about to happen....
Not two minutes later, I wander back downstairs where FDH is getting the boys' stuff together. I ask him, "You didn't sign the book sheet, did you?" He said he did. I told him, "upstairs, now." I didn't want to argue in front of the boys, even though he had no problem contradicting me right in front of them apparently. I proceeded to ask him what the F%$# he was thinking. The boys were both there when I told SS8 we wouldn't be signing it because he didn't follow the directions, and then FDH - in front of the boys - proceeds to do exactly that as soon as I walk out of the room. (Side note - he thought it was actual "homework" and didn't want to send the kid to school without part of his homework finished. He was at the P/T conference when the program was explained but had apparently forgot. To me, that's irrelevant. So the kid goes to school one day with an assignment not completed. I doubt it will hurt his chances of getting into college. This is second grade, FFS.)
We've been having some respect issues as well (where I think the "what's for dinner" instead of "Hi Sorry" is coming from). Basically the boys see me as someone who's just there to make them dinner, put away their laundry and take them places. Why should they have to respect me or listen to me when their father doesn't.
FDH's excuse is always that "it's not their fault. I tried to teach them to be respectful and have structure but WHN always undermined me." Well, WHN isn't here anymore. What she does with them at her place isn't our concern. In this house, there is no excuse for that. Teach them how to behave and be consistent with the follow through. They don't get a pass just because their mother is a useless moron. We spend all day at work dealing with things and cleaning up messes that aren't our fault. Just because they haven't learned yet, or had it enforced yet, doesn't mean you just throw your hands up.
But, that's made 100 times harder when they see his crappy example.
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Comments
HMM. I am going to straight
HMM. I am going to straight out give you my opinion on a lot of different issues in your log. I know you did not ask for them, so delete if you feel the need.
I really don’t think anything in your blog was anything to get upset about. It is pretty normal, you’re your skids said “whats for dinner” before saying “hi”. They are only 6 and 8. They did not pop out of the womb knowing manners. Lol. When any kid does that to me, I always, just say…”so glad to see you too!” and laugh about it. They see then that they were rude and correct the issue.
I also do not understand you being such a hard ass about NOT signing the boys sheet. In my opinion it makes you look petty. I would have done the same as your DH if it were my kid.
You said that you told your DH …”upstairs now”, and “What the F$*% he was thinking.” Girl, you may want to re-think talking to your DH this way. (Unless you both talk to each other like that). I guess what I am trying to say is that you seem to be very controlling in this situation. DH may get tired of it really soon.
The skids do the same thing
The skids do the same thing to me too, come home and ask what's for dinner....usually about 5 times. Yah, its annoying but they are kids with one track minds. You probably won't like my advice either and feel free to delete, but I would have to agree with Willow, try not to take it so personal with the skids, and DH is just trying to do his best. Did he talk w/ the ss before he signed the paper about getting his stuff out on time? And btw if I was told "upstairs now" like I was 5 years old, I would not be nice or willing to listen once I got there. Jmho.
"upstairs now" was stern, but
"upstairs now" was stern, but not bitchy. He was fine with it.
No, he didn't say anything to SS - just signed it when I went upstairs. If he had actually talked to him about it again and explained why he was doing it, that would have made me a little less angry.
Again - I think it's funny that everyone jumping on the "what's for dinner" thing. Not at all the point.
The kid forgot one paper, and
The kid forgot one paper, and you punish him? I think you were wrong here. I would have signed the paper, too. if I were your fiancee, I would have been annoyed by your behavior.
I don't know why I keep
I don't know why I keep explaining this.
He was asked twice and reminded once more to pull out everything that needed to be signed. The book and the sheet that goes with it is in this big plastic envelope thingy so pretty obvious. It's not part of his normal homework. We're constantly talking about consequences and following through on things (reading directions, not just doing parts of assignments). This seemed like a logical time to show him a consequence because we asked him if he had everything out and he said yes. When we talked about it this morning, I reminded him that his dad told him, I told him AND I reminded him. Because of that, we weren't going to sign it but that we would tonight. There's a difference between a punishment and a consequence. Punishing him would have been a timeout, which would have been ridiculous. This was a consequence - he couldn't turn in the sheet today and would have to wait until tomorrow to do it and get his "points" (again, points that he trades in for toys, candy, etc, not that actually count for anything). Not that we weren't going to sign it ever.
I get the "he's the parent"
I get the "he's the parent" thing, but I have a really hard time with that arguement if you want to have a spouse who is an involved step-parent. If you ask me to do something, then it's done the way I see fit. If you don't like the way I do it, then do it yourself instead of undermining me in front of the skids.
Whoa - yeah, not at all
Whoa - yeah, not at all expecting these responses.
The "what's for dinner" thing wasn't really the point of this blog at all. More of an overall, the boys aren't really being appreciative of anything - complaining about what I do make, "why didn't you get this at the grocery store" but again, not the point.
The point is FDH expects me to "act like a parent". He says he wants the boys to be accountable. And the book sheet - which was NOT part of his actual homework - was after FDH had lectured him about forgetting a pair of gloves at school. I was not being a "hardass" with the kid. I told him that since he forgot to pull it out, after being told twice and reminded once, that we wouldn't sign it. Then FDH, without saying anything, does exactly the opposite as soon as I walk out of the room. How in the world is that not undermining me?
"Let Dad sign the homework stuff any way he wants to do it. He's the parent." Yes, but he asked me to do it. If he wants it done his way, then he should do it.
""upstairs now" lol ok really your adult husband lets you talk to him like that? That's how you treat little kids who are in trouble. That's not modeling respectful behavior IMO." Sounds worse in text than my actual tone. He knew I was mad but I wasn't bitchy about it. More of a, "we need to address this now because the kids just saw something that they shouldn't have and we need to talk about it in private before it gets worse."
"You said that you told your DH …”upstairs now”, and “What the F$*% he was thinking.” Girl, you may want to re-think talking to your DH this way. (Unless you both talk to each other like that). I guess what I am trying to say is that you seem to be very controlling in this situation. DH may get tired of it really soon." Maybe, but I, like many others on this site, get a little tired of being undermined in front of the kids that I'm supposed to be "parenting like they're my own."
I get your points, mostly, but didn't expect the tone from you guys. It was a vent, and maybe I over-reacted a bit, but hell, who here hasn't? I still think what he did was inappropriate given the circumstances. Going into the backpack and pulling it out after I already "handled" it per his instructions and then doing exactly what we told the kid we wouldn't do (which he did not disagree with at the time, only after I walked out of the room) is wrong. I'm not wrong for calling him on it.
And why in the world would I
And why in the world would I delete the comments? No, I may not agree with everything, but I put this stuff up to get a different opinion. I'm not going to like everything I hear, I'm a big girl. That's life.
"You know those kids who say
"You know those kids who say thank you and are so appreciative for meals and snacks and groceries? They all live on that Hidden Valley Ranch commercial where the kids duke it out to get each other's salad. That's why we don't know any of them! lol"
Yeah - I know it's not realistic. But we are working on it. And for the most part, FDH is consistent with that because he is big on manners. We had a bit of an issue at Christmas with a couple of "I don't like it" responses to presents (especially from my parents, I wanted to crawl under the couch, as did FDH). Drives me nuts though when I get the fruity cheerios they ask for and then am immediately asked, "why didn't you get the chocolate ones too?"
Again, the book thing wasn't
Again, the book thing wasn't part of the kid's actual homework. It's reading in addition to and separate from their class stuff. It's something he gets "points" for that he can trade for toys, gum, etc. Since it wasn't something that was actual homework, I saw no harm in making him wait a day to have it signed and explained to him why. FDH agreed with that when we talked later. It was a good opportunity to reinforce what he's been trying to get the kids to understand but he missed it because he just went ahead and did something without asking why I did what I did.
IMHO....if the homework
IMHO....if the homework signing issue is really that big of a deal for you right now, then I'd seriously think twice about what you're getting into OR seriously re-evaluate what your 'role' as stepmom is. Sounds like this will be how FDH is going to go about the homework routine regardless of what the two of you discuss. If that's the case, you can either be ok with it, or not. But you really can't expect HIM to change how he parents his own kids. Ultimately, they're not yours and not your responsobility, regardless of what FDH may or may not say.
I've been trying to
I've been trying to re-evaluate my "role" because they aren't my responsibility and you're right, I can't change the way he parents. But what I'm getting from some here is that I can't vent about him undermining me in front of them?
I don't know if I made it clear, or how I could possibly make it any clearer because it seems like only a couple of people have gotten it - I don't care about the damn sheet itself. I care about him having me handle something and then undoing what I did when I walk out of the room.
THIS No matter what, I always
THIS
No matter what, I always had the final say when it came to my son. DF is the same with his kids.
Dad double checking things was a good thing. It's a shame more dad don't do that. Many sit back a let BM and\or SM to handle all the school stuff.
I get the final say thing,
I get the final say thing, really. But the way it was handled was my issue. His kids or not, there is a way to go about it without undermining me in front of them.
As far as double-checking, this wasn't something I missed - this was intentional to show SS a consequence to him forgetting something in a way that would have no real negative impact. But I do agree that FDH being involved is good. He is very involved with them and doesn't just sit back at all.
It's kind of one in the
It's kind of one in the same......the 'sheet itself', is the undermining. And that's probably not going to stop anytime soon. What he feels is the best thing to do, is what he will always choose to do. And that is going to change from situation to situation, whether the two of you have 'discussed' some plan ahead of time or not. He'll always do that.....the only question you really have to ask yourself is whether or not you're ok with letting go of the situation. If so, great, happy marriage to you! If not, hope you can find a way to deal or are ok moving on.
At least that's been my experience so far....after 7 years I'm only now figuring out that what the two of us 'talk about' and 'agree upon' have absolutely NOTHING to do with the final decision they will make regarding their own kids.
Okay, so then how do you
Okay, so then how do you handle it? Or, if you had it to do over again, would you take a pass?
It just seemed like everyone was so focused on the details - probably because I put too damn many in, I'm a wordy writer.
I know that others have had stuff like this before and I know there have been "if you had to do it over again" posts, but very little advice as to how to deal with it other than simply walking away. So, after 7 years and you figuring things out - what do you do now?
I'm just learning, honestly,
I'm just learning, honestly, but the whole idea of detaching yourself has really helped me out a lot. There's plenty of blogs and forums on here about it!!
You really have to understand and convince yourself that what he does with his kids can't and won't affect you anymore. I know it probably sounds like you're checking out, but you're not. Your energy needs to be focused on YOUR relationship with FDH, not on raising his kids. Let him deal with that.
Otherwise, yes, I'd probably take a pass and not go down this road again. But that's just me. I'm not a 'one true love' kind of believer, and think there are plenty of people out there I could have a loving relationship with. I'm in this one now, so I'll do my best to make it work. But that's not going to come at the cost of my own sanity and happiness anymore.
there are lots of things in
there are lots of things in this post that irritate the heck out of me too. (i think it is my "pre week" before the "storm" LOL)
Firstly, I get irritated too when others miss the point of the post and start nit picking others things that were said. The whole rude, lack of manners, thing, by asking what's for dinner is totally irrelavant to the story.
SOOOO, with that being said too, since it was an irrelevant point why put it in there?!
Okay, that was my bitchy two cents. LOL
If this was my situation I would be the maddest about the fact that DH asked me to do something and then followed behind me like I was incapable of taking care of the task completely and correctly.
Don't ask me to do something if you are just gonna do it anyway.
My advice, just let him do it.
I TOTALLY understand teaching the kids accountablility. There is nothing wrong with saying, "hey you didn't follow the directions. This is what happens when you don't. We will try again tomorrow." AND i don't care if it was homework or not (i know in this case it wasnt) but, that is just hard ass me.
although quite irritating
although quite irritating that your DH signed the paper after discussing it with you, I would just walk away from this. Although he did undermind what you had just talked about. I would have a discussion about doing the opposite once things had been discussed or if he had any objections why didn't he just speak up at that time and tell you he is going to sign the paper - because to him it wasn't a big issue ~ and he should remind his son that papers need to be taken out of the backpack when asked.