Based on the sage advice given to my last post, I am changing my tactics in the situation with SD(24). Thank you all! This forum is such a sanity-saver!

Oh, I would LOVE to completely ignore SD(24) and never see her again! Trouble is, I am under pressure from my DH to resolve issues with SD(24) because he has a large extended family and wants everybody to "just get along." My DH often defaults to mediator and peacemaker (can anyone say “enabler?”). He took so much abuse from his ex that he doesn't see that his adult daughters are acting just as abusive toward both him and me. It’s how they learned to behave growing up.

I clearly see the adult tantrums and dysfunctional behavior (as most of it is aimed at me), and when I bring their actions to his attention is shatters his fantasy that his adult children are great people. So, instead of their bad behavior being the problem, my reaction to the behavior becomes the perceived problem—“Why can’t you just get along…???” or “Why can’t you just forgive and forget?”It’s no-win, really.

After the last attack on us, I had enough of the sh*t. SD(24) was kicked out of our home and I won’t allow SD(24) back, even to visit the dogs, until she makes amends—whatever that may be. So far I’ve just received a snarky two-line email from her, which I duly ignored. Her adult siblings can always visit our home as long as they behave. They have visited, and SD(24) has chosen to sit outside in her car and sulk— calling her dad on the phone every 5 minutes or so. She’s playing the “poor me I don’t understand why stepmom hates me soooo much” routine.

DH desperately wants this resolved so he can have all his loser adult kids visit together. Yesterday I told him that SD(24) created the problem, so she is going to have to figure out how to resolve it. “Adults do that.” If she is serious about making amends she’s just going to have to try harder. It’s not up to me to make things right when she was the one who has created the problem in the first place.

Thanks for all your words of support! I read each and every one carefully, and in this case I think you all were right on.:-)