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DH trying to seperate me from my friends??

Regretful1's picture

Submitted by Regretful1 on Tue, 07/15/2008 - 11:44am

DH and I have been married only for 5 months...we dated a year b4 that. He has 2 kids and I have 2 kids, we have 50/50 of both...just giving background. I have a best friend whom I have known for 8 years and many friends from where I used to work for last 8 years (we were like a family at my old job, which I left the week after I got married, coincidentally, left for more $$)...these people are my main group of friends and support aside from my family. I do not see them much anymore since I got married and left the company all within the same week, basically...I see them for the occasional happyhour (maybe 2 times in the last year, once w/ DH and once w/out.) I try to see my best friend once a week if possible. My DH has made it known that he doesn't like me hanging out with my friends since they knew me before I was married...(although, they knew me when I was married to my ex, and when I was divorced from him...and then when I met my DH...) They are not a bad group of people! It is a major corporation and we are in IT...nothing crazy!! But my DH is very jealous of my best friend...he said it feels like I am more married to her than to him...which is insane! Background...His EX cheated on him at the same time that HER best friend was cheating on her husband...so my DH's EX used excuse of hanging out with friend to cover for cheating...guess this is why he HATES that I have a best friend that I want to see (at Macaroni Grill for dinner!!) once every week or two. Last night he was drinking and asked my plans for Thursday nite...he is out of town and I have all 4 kids by myself while working a demanding IT job!! But Thursday I am alone, so I said I may go to a happy hour w/ old work friends and hang w/ best friend for dinner...he lost it and called my friend my "old wife" and said he didn't want me to be friends with these people...Any advice?? I do not do this to him...he goes and plays poker ever Friday night with his friends...and goes to dinner occasionally with his work friends...double standard!!

Comments

CL's picture

Submitted by CL (not verified) on Tue, 07/15/2008 - 11:48am

Don't budge. Keep your friends no matter what. This is his problem, not yours. Let him know you understand why he feels this way, but this is something he has to work on. It's unfair that you have to pay for someone else's sin & you need to refuse to do so. He needs to deal with his insecurity & jealousy.

sparky's picture

Submitted by sparky on Tue, 07/15/2008 - 12:14pm

Put your foot down. He needs to understand that you aren't giving up your friends for him. I am concerned because it appears that he is attempting to isolate you and those are the signs of an abuser. Never give up your best friend for your husband and what kind of husband would expect you to? Husbands come and go, but your best friend can be forever.

Regretful1's picture

Submitted by Regretful1 on Tue, 07/15/2008 - 12:21pm

That's what I thought...not that I don't value marriage, but friends are always there for you...I am also concerned that he is trying to isolate me...but don't know how to get him to see it.

StepG's picture

Submitted by StepG on Tue, 07/15/2008 - 12:45pm

You should not have to give up your friends. It is not like you are with them everyday and on the phone with them when you are not with them. What about him does he have friends that he had prior to you? Also if he is out of town why should he want you to sit at home alone when he is probably out too dinner himself.

I work in the IT field as well. What do you do?

Regretful1's picture

Submitted by Regretful1 on Tue, 07/15/2008 - 1:09pm

He is out of town on business, and I have my kids and his until Thursday. He is out to dinner every night this week with his co-workers...Ugh! That's fine, but give me the same respect I give you, ya know?

I am a software developer, but have been working more on the database side of life for the last few years...currently doing data conversion...old legacy systems into oracle...you?

Regretful1's picture

Submitted by Regretful1 on Tue, 07/15/2008 - 1:09pm

He is out of town on business, and I have my kids and his until Thursday. He is out to dinner every night this week with his co-workers...Ugh! That's fine, but give me the same respect I give you, ya know?

I am a software developer, but have been working more on the database side of life for the last few years...currently doing data conversion...old legacy systems into oracle...you?

Gestalt's picture

Submitted by Gestalt on Tue, 07/15/2008 - 12:46pm

I agree with putting your foot down, you are each grown ups, each fully capable and entitled to decide for yourselves WHO are your friends and HOW you will be spending any free time. Do not allow yourself to be isolated either, if yu suspect that is his goal, then that is his goal....one doesn't isolate someone on accident.

"The beauty of life is, while we cannot undo what is done, we can see it, understand it, learn from it and change, So that every new moment is spent not in regret, guilt, fear or anger, but in wisdom, understanding, and love."

now4teens's picture

Submitted by now4teens on Tue, 07/15/2008 - 12:46pm

He's out of town. You are working and have the responsibility of ALL 4 kids- his and yours.
HE gets to go out EVERY Friday night to play poker w/his friends, but he's demanding that YOU not see yours?

Did I get this right?

Regretful1, I have PM'd you before about your concerns with your new DH, but this aspect of the relationship has red flags going up all over the place. Sparky is 100% correct. Isolation from friends and family is the first step in the cycle of abuse.

I am very sorry to hear that this is happening to you. I think it's time for a serious heart-to-heart with your DH. Would he ever consider giving up his Friday nights with the guys? (I'm guessing not) And as a supportive wife, I don't think you would ever ask him to, either. Marriage is about loving and supporting each other and as well as giving each other the freedom to be individuals.

Don't let him take that from you. My ex husband did that. That's one of the reasons he's the 'EX'.

"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis

Regretful1's picture

Submitted by Regretful1 on Tue, 07/15/2008 - 1:16pm

Yeah...he's not demanding that I not see my friends, but I pay a price everytime I do. He gets huffy and quiet and I pay an emotional price.

I know that this is the first step...it is at the very least unhealthy. He goes out with the 'guys' (although some of the guys are less than trustworthy...he is trustworthy-I will give him that)...but he can't stand that the people I worked with are both men and women...(not that I EVER talk on the phone or anything like that w/ the men in my social circle. They are married and I know their wives...nothing bad or even suspicious is remotely going on!!) It is just a group of people getting together to chill after work occasionally...often the spouses/BF/GFs come! He is just very insecure after having his EX cheat on him...but I am paying for her transgressions.

Regretful1's picture

Submitted by Regretful1 on Tue, 07/15/2008 - 1:16pm

Yeah...he's not demanding that I not see my friends, but I pay a price everytime I do. He gets huffy and quiet and I pay an emotional price.

I know that this is the first step...it is at the very least unhealthy. He goes out with the 'guys' (although some of the guys are less than trustworthy...he is trustworthy-I will give him that)...but he can't stand that the people I worked with are both men and women...(not that I EVER talk on the phone or anything like that w/ the men in my social circle. They are married and I know their wives...nothing bad or even suspicious is remotely going on!!) It is just a group of people getting together to chill after work occasionally...often the spouses/BF/GFs come! He is just very insecure after having his EX cheat on him...but I am paying for her transgressions.

mwelch's picture

Submitted by mwelch on Tue, 07/15/2008 - 12:55pm

that he does not get to choose who I hang out with and if he has an objection to any of my friends he can tell me but it is ultimatley my choice of who I consider a friend and who I hang out with. I am good friends with a lot of my ex's and I told him that if he has a problem with it he can either choose to get over it and trust me or he can leave. I haven't ever had a problem with a relationship because of that after I lay out that they do not get to choose my friends.

I agree with the posts above that if he is trying to control who you hang out with then that can be a sign of an abuser.

Reality is always controlled by the people who are most insane.
~Dogbert

_Jess_'s picture

Submitted by _Jess_ on Tue, 07/15/2008 - 1:20pm

It sounds like he has unresolved trust issues because of his ex. Maybe he needs to talk to someone about it.

sarahbernheart's picture

Submitted by sarahbernheart on Wed, 07/16/2008 - 7:43am

you can make your own choices and if he wants to be a baby about it then he can stop going out with his friends.
good for the goose ya know.
but I do agree with the fine ladies above, I see red flags...

"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."