I just want to have some honest feedback from you all who are more involved with the step-parenting thing. DH wants apply for a work transfer to move country to be closer to his son. There is no guarantee that it will be for more than 3 years. And we have a baby together. But, reading the stories on this site scares me especially in light of actually having some interactions with the existing dynamics. DH definitely sugarcoated a lot of issues and part of me wonders if that is how he truly sees the situation or he is being willfully blind.

For starters, his son's mom has made herself unavailable to meet me every time we drop and pick up his son. They live in an extended family household and the grandmother seems to be the one doing the raising of the kids whilst the parents work. The grandmother also hasn't made herself available to meet us and she was in the house. When DH asked his son to get his grandmother or mother or whoever is home to come out we'd like to speak to them; he said that his mom wasn't home and his grandmother said if we had anything to talk about to text his mom.

The second thing was his mom insisted that we picked up his son every morning and dropped off him off every evening. So no overnight stays were allowed. This apparently has always been the dynamic between DH and her; even when he lived in the US. DH has asked for him to stay the night and it has always been denied. But the grandmother, definitely reports back to his son's mom if we are late by the minute and will get on DH case about respecting the grandmother's time and how her schedule doesn't revolve around whenever he is ready to show up.

The third thing is the outright refusal for his son to have a phone or an iPad of his own. DH has offered to buy one and pay the phone bill for it and she has refused. Apparently he has access to his grandmother's phone and an apple watch when he is away from the household. The grandmother got upset when DH tried to call her to speak to his son after his son's mother gave him, her number. She feels that it should be between the parents and not involve her. I also think she blocked DH. On the other hand, his son's mom work schedule makes it difficult to call at a consistent time when everyone is available.

Another thing is that I feel that his son is very distant with me at least; I don't know how he is when I am not around obviously. I feel like I and DH have to literally push the conversation. I usually ask a question and get a very simple answer that does not garner any real response and he doesn't even ask me about myself. DH then goes in and answer the same question about me. I feel like I am guessing around him. And he isn't interested in the baby either; which I understand at his age. But, there has been times when the baby has really shown interest in him and he could not even pretend to be interested back.

Another thing, is DH behaviour around his son. To be fair I understand DH's perspective, he wants to impress his son and because of how infrequent they get to see each other every time they do it is like a vacation. We eat at the restaurants, play the activities and go places his son likes and chooses. Everything revolves around him to the point that waiting an hour for the baby to finish napping is undoable.

DH is also the only boy and youngest child and he and his father are very close. A part of me feel that DH has idealise his relationship with his father as the one he should have with his son. And I am a little afraid of what DH's reaction would be if it were not to be the case. He definitely has a vision of their relationship now that I do not see myself.

DH's son is so lucky to have DH as his dad and he doesn't even realise it. DH has built his entire career around ensuring that this transfer happens. We could work towards buying a house or land right now if we wanted but DH saved up to ensure that the move was possible. Pre-covid without fail DH would travel at minimum twice a year using up his entire 25 days of holidays to see this kid which isn't cheap. It would honestly break my heart for DH to not see that reciprocated.

I know a lot of you were saying do not move but, I do not think it is possible for DH to budge. He has made no secret that after his 7 years he wanted to move back. And he told his son about the possibility already - I did not know he told his son though. I just do not want my life to be miserable. What are some realistic boundaries and expectations to set up? DH seems to think everything will fall into place once we move. He would also say that he had a great co-parent relationship with his son's mom when he was in the US. But, to me it sounds like she ran hoops around him.