I told DH I don't want to move
It has been a while since I have been on here. But, you ladies are a lot more experienced in step families than a lot of people I know. My DH has always talked about moving once his 7 years were up. He wanted to be near his son and he really enjoyed living in a big city. We have visited my DH's son as a family twice already; once last summer and over Christmas. If we were childless I would actually jump at the chance. But, we are not. And I love the fact that our parents and grandparent and siblings are around our kiddo and she doesn't have to go to play school or anything.I just can't imagine moving with a toddler with no support system. I think DH underscores how much BM's family did to support them when his son was little and we would not have that. I also feel so bad for DH because he really wants to be closer to his son.
I told DH how I felt about it and we argued about it. He accused me of wanting him to pick between me and our child and his son. I do feel badly because they don't have a particularly good relationship. But, I also blame him too because he had gotten in the habit of leaving me with the baby at the hotel to run around a do things with his son. And his son would get whiny about being bored if he had to wait for the baby to finish napping. So, to a degree I feel like if we did move it would be a lonely existence for me because everyone already has their circle of friends and activities. I know some of it is my fault because I insisted that we keep the baby regimented instead of doing stuff with them. Either way, I didn't feel like it could be home for me.
I just don't know how we can compromise on this.
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How far away would you be
How far away would you be moving?
I have been a military spouse forever. My kids dad was active duty and DH is as well. I have moved all over and started my support systems from scratch each time. It isn't easy but it is possible.
There is more to look at with the move than just his son and your family near by. Job opportunities for both of you, schools for your bio, housing availability is really difficult right now. Do you rent or own? How easy would it be to sell your current home if you need to? What will the commutes be like? Etc. Have you talked about all of these parts of the move as well?
We don't get a choice when we get orders, and always make it work. However, as DH is now preparing to retire, our talks of moving to our forever location have gotten serious. Cost of living is our #1 concern. I can work almost anywhere, people are always going to need what I do. DH will have the harder time with his career field. We have to find a place where we can both be happy.
We live in the Caribbean but
We live in the Caribbean but DH went to university in the US where he had his son. DH now wants to start actively working on get a green card to work in the US because his 7 year scholarship commitment is over.
We currently rent. But, I kind of agree we have been very idealistic about this more than realistic about what it actually means. DH would disagree and say I was being idealistic and he always knew this is how it would be though.
Who will sponsor him for the
Who will sponsor him for the green card? It's not a quick and easy process.
I would suggest, "Supporting"
I would suggest, "Supporting" his decision to "try" to move to the US.
It isn't an easy thing to do, and it is a very expensive move. However, if he is able to make this move, with a job offer in hand, the opportunities have potential to be amazing for your family.
Very expensive and even
Very expensive and even harder to do from outside the country (we got DH his green card from within the US). Still wondering who will sponsor him? If his son is an adult and a citizen he can sponsor his father, but that's not clear.
Honestly, this is not a
Honestly, this is not a situation that was ever going to be easy for him maintaining a relationship with his son. Moving to the US is likely to be quite difficult. It may not even be legally possible right? And, there is a lot to be said that the child he has with you would lose out on a lot of the support system you have where you life currently.
Ideally, he should really have some official custody agreement with his EX. Instead of having to always travel to him.. your DH should be able to get his son sent to where YOU live so that his son can truly build a relationship outside of his mother's environement.
If he doesn't have a CO then moving closer won't matter.. he will have no legal right to see the child if the mother chooses to not allow it.
Talking about moving without having a Custody Order in place is pretty much madness... I am assuming he does have proof of paternity? but given his distance for so much of the child's life? It may not be easy to get time allocated.
Perhaps if the boy could come to stay for several weeks over the summer.. and maybe again over winter break? they would start having more of a connection.. then the boy might be more inclined to keep up the contact during other times of the year? Maybe your DH could take a trip at another time of the year there too?
I don't see the point in you traveling with him if all you are going to do is sit in the hotel though. Stay home and save that money.. haha.
dont move to be closer
do not leave your support system behind. Im over 8 years in this, and 4 plus years on this board. Ive read so many heartbreaking stories about women who have a child with someone and they have moved away from their entire support systems to start a family and be near the skids and it becomes a miserable exiztence. Youve had a small taste of what your life would be lilke with these short infrequent visits and just imagine that would be your entire life.
Also, moving doesnt guarrantee more time with this child. Unless there is a CO in place to help with this, you are taking a big gamble. Im not a gambling type.
I totally understand the need your husband has to build a relationship with his son, but you do not need to sacrifice yourself and your happiness for this to happen.
Agree.
Agree.
Do NOT move.
Honestly, it is rediculous that he is asking you to do this. Move to another country, away from your support system with a young child? So he maybe can build a relationship with a child that even he has a strained relationship with? Rediculous. Selfish.
I have at countless times
I have at countless times encourage him to pursue an agreement where his son visits him here. It will do a lot for their relationship because the issue is his son (or maybe both of them actually) starts off shy and unsure and by the time they build a familiarity we have to leave. But, DH fears that going to court may harm his chances to migrate. He thinks he should formalise custody after. But, his son is almost a teen so he is getting to the age where he may not want to hang out with his dad.
He works for US based company here that often offers 1-3 years international transfers to many of their international locations. So he wants to take a chance with that and see. I don't know what the odds are of that but, I know that DH has built his whole work performance around positioning himself to be suitable for a transfer.
Then tell him to go and that
Then tell him to go and that you'll follow once he gets everything (including custody - does he pay child support) legalized and ready for you and your baby. If and when that happens, you can make your decision. OTOH, if it all comes to nothing, he'll at least have a home to come back to.
And the best part is that you could never be accused of interfering.
So would his company sponsor
So would his company sponsor him for a green card? What they are offering is just a work visa, not a green card.
He doesn't need a formal
He doesn't need a formal agreement to have his son come visit. He just has to get BM to agree to send the boy and he likely would have to finance the full trip. Why hasn't he tried that?
Who's to say BM won't keep
Who's to say BM won't keep son away from you even if you move? Then you'll be stuck in a foreign country with no support system and no custody agreement. Bad idea!
To be kind of blunt, I think
To be kind of blunt, I think this is a pickle that is very much of your husband's own making. He had a child with someone from another country. One with difficult immigration issues. He then chose to enter into a relationship and have a child with another woman in a different country than where his son lived. If he was laser focused on getting himself in position to go to the US.. .he likely would have been better off without the split allegiance situation he has presently.
It sounds like his company potentially could offer a rotation of one to three years in the states. But, that would mean that his wife and other child would possibly need to move and that would disrupt their lives and be potentially isolating and they would lose the support they have with their current location friends/family.
And... honestly.. if this child is almost a teen... he has missed so much opportunity for relationship building. I am not so sure that getting a legal CO would be a barrier to immigration. In fact, it could be a positive right? He has literal ties to a minor in the STATES.. if he had some custody agreement maybe that could help his attempt to immigrate?
Have you discussed the possibility of him taking a one year assignment with the option of extending for a couple more years? You could stay where you are.. he could come home to visit a few times that first year you could make a few trips and if things go well with his son.. and he gets some establishment in the US.. then maybe you could follow the next year? Of course that would mean two households to have expenses but maybe it would be a compromise.
I don't blame you for not wanting to uproot your life for the "chance" he could have more time with his son... it's all such a loose plan without certainty. I mean... yes.. if you lived there, I'm sure you would meet new people and have more of a life than the few times you were stuck in a hotel room.. but it is still a big risk and the payoff of a relationship with that boy is NOT a certainty. If the mother was inclined to be more agreeable to letting the boy visit his father in your country.. I might have more hope.. but she hasn't.
Never
"Move to be closer to the skid(s)"
(TM)
Many BMs actually feel threatened when SM and biodad move closer to her and skid(s). This usually results in the BM ramping up the PAS and the whole thing backfires.
Ask me how I know.