Dreading going back
Having a lovely break away just me and dd5, realised I haven't missed home at all. Did the dutiful video calls home, forgot ss would be there twice, and as soon as hubby put ss on to speak to her I felt sick and left them to their conversation. Going home today and the sense of dread has woken me at 5am.
I don't know what's happened whether I'm having a midlife crisis or something but I've gone from tolerating step life quite smoothly to something just snapping and I totally don't want to know anymore. My friend has said maybe my upset at bm turning up with teddies the night before dd birthday was an over reaction. Yea maybe it was but I can't help the way I feel. Every possible joyous moment from births to our wedding to holidays, bm just has to be around somewhere like a bad smell. With an inconsiderate or downright devious message or action. Now ss is the same. To my mind he's not stupid, he knows we have no love for bm so to keep communicating with her on our time and arranging for her to turn up like that. I don't care who's at fault anymore I want them both out of life but thats not gonna happen is it. I can really tell hubs to see ss somewhere else or tell him bm can't drop him off at ours, but that's how strongly I want no contact with either of them right now. Hope it passes or I'm gonna have to come up with ways to avoid all the time
- Lifer33's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
I was reading your blogs....
You seem very insightful about the whole situation and I agree, it's not ideal with the antagonistic BM, SS praising the stepfather all the time and the depressing details of steplife we know so well. I'm glad you are getting a break. Dealing with all the negativity is emotionally exhausting. Perhaps the worst is realizing it will keep on for years
I'm 75yo now, BM and SM of 5 and certainly remember that empty, overwhelmed, hopeless feeling. Dealing with it is just exhausting. The thing thst kept me going was my relationship with DH. As long as we had our time to connect, I could abide the rest. Is it possible for you and he to get away for a few days?
I wish I had good advice for you. I just kept going day after day. Hoping for the best for you, good luck.
It seems like your DH has to
It seems like your DH has to set some better boundaries on BM and with SS. HE needs to tell BM not to show up at your home without his permission, regardless of whether SS asks her to, and then take a strong position on it if she does it anyway. He also needs to let SS know that while he is certainly allowed to speak to his mother while he's with DH, if he needs something like his "teddies" to be dropped off, he needs to get permission from DH for that to happen. Then your DH can decide if it's truly important enough for BM to come by, and also make plans for BM to leave them at the end of your driveway for DH to go get, so BM isn't knocking on your door.
My guess is that SS told BM that you were planning a party for DD and she said, "OH, you forgot your teddies, I'll run them by", as a way to interfere. I hope your DH has said something to BM about coming by, because you doing it won't help. It needs to come from him.
Your friends don't understand how crafty a HCBM can be, and how they can make their interfering behavior seem so innocent and harmless. Don't listen to your friends, you know the truth.
I agree with tog, your
I agree with tog, your husband needs to put BM and his son in their places.
BM has never dropped anything off at my house. She has been to my house exactly once, to bring SD over (unannounced, I blogged about it).
When SD was here EOWE, she maybe called her mom once or twice in 11 years. Not because we wouldn't let her, but she didn't feel the need. She also was not a brat (usually, anyway) and did not purposely try to antagonize her dad, using BM. DH would not have gone for that and she knew it.
Your husband needs to set limits... and let BM and SS know what those limits are.
BM here did it, and DH told
BM here did it, and DH told her to stop. She kept it up and the police became involved and threatened to arrest her. That ended it. She never got out of her car in our driveway again. (We live on a busy street, so pulling in to pick up/drop off was necessary).
Not wanting to go home is
Not wanting to go home is such a sad and empty feeling. It's a sign that your marriage is really at risk. Your feelings come from lack of stability and control in your own life. If your DH can't set boundaries with BM then you have to set boundaries with him, which it looks like you have since you go away with your DD. You have to talk to him about all this.
Thank you for your replies
Hubby has never been great at setting boundaries, despite recognising the overstepping and getting annoyed with all the goings on himself. The email only etc was at my suggestion but now we've realised bm and ss can just railroad that via his unlimited contact with her on his phone. I got back tonight and asked if hubby had had any discussion with ss about being able to talk to his dad if he feels anxious or needs anything, and he says no not yet. Wonderful! So yet again because I've dwelled on it, I said OK well YOU need to hire a mediator (in UK you have to use one before court will look at a case) state that you will make the contact dates legally binding, that she's not to contact him on our time unless just a goodnight /emergency etc etc. Then he gets it court ordered. I finished with the mediator takes calls from 9am even on Sundays. We shall See...
Hubby has never been great at
Hubby has never been great at setting boundaries
Then, at least in my own home, I would set some boundaries myself.
DH tried to limit contact
DH tried to limit contact with BM during his EOWE visits at the last mediation and lost. One SS is in constant contact with her during the 48 hours he is with DH. It has caused so much drama at our home because SS will get mad about something and text BM about how much he hates DH and then BM will text DH to tell him how terrible he is and how she's going to come over and get SS because he is "always so unhappy when he's around you!" She's never come to pick him up, because I think she knows she would get in trouble legally for that. DH proposed that she be able to talk to SSs once a day while they are with us instead of having constant contact with them and that was not accepted. I think their latest agreement even says that BM must have 24/7 access to SSs at all times or something ridiculous like that. Meanwhile, if DH even dares to call SSs when they are with BM, BM accuses him of "disrupting" her time.
I too, am at a place where I avoid steplife as much as possible. I can't stand to be around one SS and it's harder to hide my feelings. I'm not sure how to get out of it, but I agree with the other comments that it's related to feeling like a prisoner in my own home when they are around. I have to monitor what I say and do and hide anything that could give BM insight into our lives. It's not a good place to be. I'm just counting down the days until SSs decide they are stopping visitation, but I feel that if they know I don't want them to come around, they will keep coming.