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So Depressed!

effigy's picture

Submitted by effigy on Mon, 03/14/2011 - 1:18pm

Well, it has been awhile since I last posted. Since the New Year, and our return from Disney World (which SD ruined) I've tried to just resign myself to the fact that SD is a raging little brat, take an ativan or have a glass of wine to calm my nerves and responses to her raging brattiness, and just grin and bear it -- and reveling in the times when she is not around.

This tacit, has blown up in my face. Easy to see that coming, huh? Not speaking up, drugging myself and hating on my life all of the time has rendered me totally depressed. I just don't know what to do anymore.

My husband noticed the change in me and I tried for a long time to pretend that everything was fine and when he'd ask what was wrong I'd just say, "what are you talking about?". This went on until Thursday of last week. Finally, I just exploded.

My husband and I have issues that do not involve SD but those are workable issues -- they're like: the way he folds towels, or doesn't do laundry or doesn't help enough with dishes -- normal stuff. But this stuff with SD is just ripping us apart.

The kid behaves like a monster when he is not around. She will scream, cry, break things, call me names (last week she walked into my office, threw a ball at me and said, "surprise bitch". She lies all.the.time. about every little thing. She steals -- and it's to the point that every isle in the grocery store I have to frisk her. She steals money from me, her dad and her mom. She steals my jewelry. She has flushed two pairs of my contacts (which are about 150 bucks each), she snapped a pair of my glasses in half. She has smashed photos of me or of me and my son, etc.

If I try to punish her for any of these behaviors she acts as if she likes the punishment. For example, I'll say, "You're in time out now" and she'll say, "Good, I like time out, I wanted to sit down anyway".

Then when daddy walks in the door it's all smiles and rainbows and everything is all good -- except for me because I am witnessing how manipulative and screwed up this kid really is.

Her birthday was this weekend. She said she wanted a birthday party so I tried to make her a nice one. I made hand made invitations and everything. I started inviting friends of ours that have kids her age and she threw a hissy fit, "I don't want kids at my party." And she doesn't. The kid doesn't like other kids. Doesn't know how to play with other kids. She's weird. So after that I just gave up. I didn't even mail the invitations and I only invited my husbands family.

The only time I am not completely anxiety ridden anymore is on the days that I know she won't be home. But then, the anxiety comes crashing back when I begin to count down the hours until she gets back.

I don't think I have ever been this stressed in my entire life. This is tearing me and my marriage apart. What should I do?

Comments

Auteur's picture

Submitted by Auteur on Mon, 03/14/2011 - 1:21pm

Can you web cam her behaviour? Then present it to DH but be warned! Most guilty daddies even when shown proof positive evidence that their little angels are less than that, will not believe it.

effigy's picture

Submitted by effigy on Mon, 03/14/2011 - 1:23pm

I suppose I could do that. But I think he believes me. Oh, gosh I forgot to mention the thing she did the other day.. she came over and whispered to my husband "if things down't work out with Liz (me), I'll marry you". WTF?

Auteur's picture

Submitted by Auteur on Mon, 03/14/2011 - 1:25pm

I take it you are custodial? Is there a BM involved?

When she says stuff like this, what is DH's reaction? Does he immediately haul off and correct her or is he somehow oddly FLATTERED?

effigy's picture

Submitted by effigy on Mon, 03/14/2011 - 1:27pm

Yes, she lives with us full time and is with mom every other weekend and sometimes one night per week. He tells her stuff like, "you can't marry me", etc. But she keeps doing it. She's awful. She manipulates all day long. I very seriously can not stand this kid. How to you stay married to a man that has a kid that you can't stand?!

Auteur's picture

Submitted by Auteur on Mon, 03/14/2011 - 1:32pm

"He tells her stuff like, "you can't marry me", etc.

Is that all? I'd say "Now listen here you little punk, you will LISTEN AND OBEY Effigy or else I will come down on you HARD!"

Sounds to me like he's oddly flattered with such a wimpy, wet noodle response. Either that or he's AFRAID of her.

effigy's picture

Submitted by effigy on Mon, 03/14/2011 - 1:35pm

He was talking about it last night and he says, "that little girl is so in love with me, I don't even know what to do about it." He went on to say that she wants to watch all of the movies that he watched when he was a kid and she wants a dog like he had when he was a kid, etc. I just think the kid has problems.

Auteur's picture

Submitted by Auteur on Mon, 03/14/2011 - 1:39pm

AS I predicted. He's FLATTERED and in a way views her as a mini-BM do over.

Your problem is your DH. He's so flattered that he will not instill boundaries for her. BIG problem. Coming up next. . .DH calls Effigy JEALOUS of his daughter. . .in 5. . .4. . .3 . . .2 . . .1

Auteur's picture

Submitted by Auteur on Mon, 03/14/2011 - 1:54pm

Stepmoms are RIGHT??? About the biodad and BM's CHILDREN?? NOOOOO!!! Say it ain't so!!!

Godsgift thinks we are ALL a bunch of gossiping kooks and that all these wonderfully free ranged skids will turn out JUST FINE!

effigy's picture

Submitted by effigy on Mon, 03/14/2011 - 1:40pm

It was late in the afternoon when she did that. I spanked her and put her in her room. Then I e-mailed my husband and said, "I spanked her because she did, this this and finally, that. and now she's in her room". Then he came home, went to her room, yelled at her and talked to her for quite some time. I believe it was then that she told him, "I don't know why I can't ever tell the truth".

Auteur's picture

Submitted by Auteur on Mon, 03/14/2011 - 1:52pm

Possibly, but most likely 99% manipulation.

SD4: (looking up at daddeeeekins with big eyes) "Dadeeeee I don't know WHY I'm so baaaaad with Effigy, but I WUUUUUVV YOUUUUUUUUUUU!" (bats eyelashes a million times)

corgimom's picture

Submitted by corgimom on Mon, 03/14/2011 - 1:34pm

OMG I can't imagine my SD5 behaving this way. I'm so sorry you're going through all of this.. Sad hugs your way.

effigy's picture

Submitted by effigy on Mon, 03/14/2011 - 1:56pm

so now my husband wants me to go to therapy with him and has turned this into a "How can you blame a four year old" thing, instead of what it really is. I feel like I have to constantly defend myself. Does anyone else feel that way?

starfish's picture

Submitted by starfish on Mon, 03/14/2011 - 2:15pm

i think the answer is to tell dh to NEVER leave the little brat alone with you. if he has to leave the room, take a shit, what have you, then he needs to send her ass to her room... and since it's probably illegal to lock her in the room, i would stand right by the door and if she tried to open the door, i would slam it shut so hard it would scare the shit out of her.

don't let yourself be the victim of spoiled rotten 4 yr old. seriously "surprise bitch" ~ it would have taken every fiber of my being not to throw ball back at her so hard she'd see stars (again the illegal stuff you have to refrain from)

good luck, my heart hurts for you.

francke125's picture

Submitted by francke125 on Mon, 03/14/2011 - 2:16pm

I feel this way all the time. I am told over and over again that I am the adult and they are the kids, and you will still hear that ten years from now. Trust me...SD17 was only 2 when I met DH and it seems to just keep getting worse with age. But it's all my fault.

Auteur's picture

Submitted by Auteur on Mon, 03/14/2011 - 2:25pm

Right and as usual, we experienced Stepmoms have our trusty crystal balls out.

Looking into the future, SD will not just be daddy's girl, she'll be daddy's WHORE except that for his money, dear ol' daddykins won't even receive a reach around!!!

Basically the dynamics change into where the skid is daddy's PIMP!

corgimom's picture

Submitted by corgimom on Mon, 03/14/2011 - 2:34pm

I definitely would not go to therapy just yet. Your SD is the one that needs therapy right now! Although it might help if you went to therapy by YOURSELF just so you could talk to someone about it. It might make you feel better.

hismineandours's picture

Submitted by hismineandours on Mon, 03/14/2011 - 3:07pm

IMO the one that needs therapy is your dh. Your sd is 4-her behavior is bad-however most 4 year olds lack the insight to truly benefit that much from therapy. Your dh needs to learn how to parent his child effectivey, set boundaries, etc. That being said, you might want to go with him especially at the initial session as I know these bio parents are always so tempted to sugarcoat their darlings behavior. The two of you need to sit down before the appt-make a list of concerns. This is your dh's problem to fix; however, you may need to be there to keep him honest.